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fiance wants to quit his job

I need to vent :(

My fiance has been unhappy at his job for awhile now, mostly due to his own stress & anxiety relating to what his role is/will be at his company. He was initially hired into an entry-level position, but for the past 6 months has moved on to do various other projects within the department. He applied for a promotion last week and didn't get it. Now he's devastated because his other projects are done, and has to go back to doing the entry-level position (which is what he's feared for 6 months). He sees this as super embarrassing (since everyone else he started with has moved up to other roles), and wants to just quit because of how depressed he is. I feel like it's just the anxiety/depression talking, and that he would feel worse after the initial 'high' of quitting his job without having anything else lined up.

The other aspect of all of this is that for the past month, we spend most of our time together talking about his anxieties and worries involving the situation. It's all he thinks about, talks about, he doesn't sleep well, and he often can't eat. It's incredibly draining on our relationship, and I feel like his anxieties are seeping into me. I've encouraged him to see a therapist, psychiatrist, etc. and he doesn't think it will help, but he did finally agree to try. 

I want to be supportive of him doing what he needs to do, but I think he may regret quitting his job when the smoke clears. I fear the negativity/anxiety he feels about this job will just transfer over to the unemployed job search. It also seems like we shouldn't spend money on a wedding and honeymoon when he's unemployed, but we've already put down deposits and sent save-the-dates. He wants to spend his life savings living jobless for as long as he can.

I just don't know how to motivate him anymore. :(

Re: fiance wants to quit his job

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    WzzWzz member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker

    he wants to quit after only 6 months?

     

    he needs a reality check. ask him to meet with a recruiter, and he might learn that 6 months of experience anywhere is nothing. most places have probation periods that last 3-6 months.

     

    he should meet with a job recruiter before he quits to find out how to update his resume, what he needs on his resume to advance, and what kind of jobs he should be looking for.

     

    i don't have much else for advice - we have tons of job dissatisfaction in our home. but, after YEARS of dutiful service, it's paying off.

     

    YEARS. not 6 months. i have always felt lucky to get health benefits that kick in before 6 months.

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    peachy0722peachy0722 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited January 2014
    To clarify: he's been at the company for a year and a half, but has been away from the entry-level position for 6 months. He doesn't want to go back to entry-level. 

    It's a really good company, and people do anything to get their foot in the door there.
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    WzzWzz member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    i stand by my advice. if people will do anything to get in the door, then he shouldn't be looking to quit. if they aren't promoting him, there has to be a reason. if he isn't qualified for what he applies for within the company then he needs to find out what skills he needs to advance. i think a job recruiter would be helpful as an outside opinion. and if he wants to quit, a recruiter would be able to find opportunities for him to apply.
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    So is he actually seeing the therapist and making an earnest go of it?

    He sounds like he's in a depression tailspin, but maybe a bit of therapist perspective (or pharmacologics) can tweak that tailspin into a call to action instead.

    I'll be honest. He needs to find something else. Company culture has a way of catapulting some, screwing over others. Ability doesn't always have much to do with it. And it's tough to fight that track once you're in it.

    Is there a reason he can't just chalk up the current job to "just a paycheck" and focus energies on job searching? At least the anxiety over no money will not be an issue
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    I need to vent :(

    My fiance has been unhappy at his job for awhile now, mostly due to his own stress & anxiety relating to what his role is/will be at his company. He was initially hired into an entry-level position, but for the past 6 months has moved on to do various other projects within the department. He applied for a promotion last week and didn't get it. Now he's devastated because his other projects are done, and has to go back to doing the entry-level position (which is what he's feared for 6 months). He sees this as super embarrassing (since everyone else he started with has moved up to other roles), and wants to just quit because of how depressed he is. I feel like it's just the anxiety/depression talking, and that he would feel worse after the initial 'high' of quitting his job without having anything else lined up.

    The other aspect of all of this is that for the past month, we spend most of our time together talking about his anxieties and worries involving the situation. It's all he thinks about, talks about, he doesn't sleep well, and he often can't eat. It's incredibly draining on our relationship, and I feel like his anxieties are seeping into me. I've encouraged him to see a therapist, psychiatrist, etc. and he doesn't think it will help, but he did finally agree to try. 

    I want to be supportive of him doing what he needs to do, but I think he may regret quitting his job when the smoke clears. I fear the negativity/anxiety he feels about this job will just transfer over to the unemployed job search. It also seems like we shouldn't spend money on a wedding and honeymoon when he's unemployed, but we've already put down deposits and sent save-the-dates. He wants to spend his life savings living jobless for as long as he can.

    I just don't know how to motivate him anymore. :("
     
    It doesn't sound like he just doesn't like THIS job, it sounds like he would rather not have to work ANY job.

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    Yes, he's had one therapy session at this point. I know he can get better, but it's going to take time and hard work.

    I try to motivate him to look at the positive things in his life, and just see his job as a paycheck -- which really, is the only reason he has a job. We need to make money so we can live. He just has all these worries about looking like a failure to everyone there, and I can't talk him out of it :(

    Quitting may be the best thing, but I don't think that's fair -- to be unemployed by choice because you got passed over for a promotion. I'd rather he quit once he has another job lined up. But I don't want him to feel like I'm unsupportive.
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    I can understand wanting to quit, whether its a jusified reason or not.

    But he needs to find another job before he quits. Unemployment doesnt last forever. 

    And the fact that he wants to burn his savings and be jobless for as long as possible is a HUGE red flag.

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    So is he actually seeing the therapist and making an earnest go of it? He sounds like he's in a depression tailspin, but maybe a bit of therapist perspective (or pharmacologics) can tweak that tailspin into a call to action instead. I'll be honest. He needs to find something else. Company culture has a way of catapulting some, screwing over others. Ability doesn't always have much to do with it. And it's tough to fight that track once you're in it. Is there a reason he can't just chalk up the current job to "just a paycheck" and focus energies on job searching? At least the anxiety over no money will not be an issue
    Yes, yes, a million times yes.  Until I found my role within my organization, I felt pretty lost.  It took me 4 years to find the right fit for me after trying lots of roles and lots of projects.  There are some projects where I was eager to get back to my 'real' job and others where I feel like they'll have to drag me kicking and screaming away from the project.  I think regular counseling and maybe some career counseling/coaching would be helpful.  

    Maybe he can find a mentor within his company? I have one informally, who's more a friend than anything, but she's well versed in several areas of our company and she's been a godsend in certain situations. 
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    It is really, really hard to get a job these days.  Especially when you have a giant gap on your resume that you have to explain, which is what your FI would have if he quit his existing job without finding a new one first.

     

    He should talk to his direct supervisor about what he can do to get himself promoted.  If this company doesn't have a formal evaluation process, he will have to do this on his own.  It will show the supervisor that he is serious about improving his position.  Also, in an entry-level position especially, you really have to work your butt off to move up generally, especially at a company where people are beating down the door to get hired.  If his depression is affecting the quality of his work, that could be contributing to his lack of promotion, and even an eventual firing.  So it's good that he's getting help for the depression right now.

     

    Talking to a recruiter if he really wants to leave this company would also be a good idea.

     

    Put your wedding plans on hold until FI works through this depression - you don't want to add any additional stress.  But you may want to explain to him that you have made a promise to each other to be together for the rest of your lives - lives that will eventually include expenses like buying a house and having children - and that it is going to be very difficult to meet those goals if both of you are living on only your income because he doesn't want to work.  I mean no one WANTS to have to work.  But it's a necessity for most people.  You just have to suck it up and deal with it so that you can afford to do the things you love in your free time.

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    My advice won’t be typical but I hope I can shed some light that might help you see another point of view. I too, had been at a job where I worked my ass off only to end up exhausted and extremely jaded (in the non-profit world at that) and after three years of really giving it my all I had a rather ugly end that got me a great severance and practically had me hopping and skipping out the door never to look back.  This was five months ago and in that moment I vowed that I would reevaluate what I really wanted to put all my time and energy back into. I knew I didn’t want to end up wasting another day where I drove in a box, to go sit in a box, and look at a box, only to end up exhausted, sad, and extremely unfulfilled. And that is what this is really about: he is not fulfilled.

     

    Again, this was 5 months ago and I would not change my path for all the money in the world. I am happily established as a graduate student, am a teaching assistant for a philosophy class, and though it is a tremendous cut in pay, I wake up every single day thankful, joyful, and with peace.

     

    My advice is two-fold. First, realize men find a lot of their identity through their vocation so please understand it’s not as simple as a paycheck. He is looking for fulfillment – start dialogue with him and help him discover what it really is that bubbles in his heart to invest his time into (this will help get him out of the “I never want to work again” mode). Second, this is a very good time to practice those vows you’re about to take: better or worse, rich or poor. Are you ready to help see him through a journey to fulfillment, even if it means a cut in pay? Can you help carry a little bit of his burden by taking time to listen as he vents through this time? This isn’t about being a doormat, mind you, but it is about being strong, perhaps stronger than him, for a season.

     

    Vacations and a good life are all wonderful things, but if it’s at the expense of your daily joy, well, for some of us, it’s never going to be worth it. Start this journey with him and see where it leads you – a fulfilled life is a happy life. Good luck :-)

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    My advice won’t be typical but I hope I can shed some light that might help you see another point of view. I too, had been at a job where I worked my ass off only to end up exhausted and extremely jaded (in the non-profit world at that) and after three years of really giving it my all I had a rather ugly end that got me a great severance and practically had me hopping and skipping out the door never to look back.  This was five months ago and in that moment I vowed that I would reevaluate what I really wanted to put all my time and energy back into. I knew I didn’t want to end up wasting another day where I drove in a box, to go sit in a box, and look at a box, only to end up exhausted, sad, and extremely unfulfilled. And that is what this is really about: he is not fulfilled.

    Again, this was 5 months ago and I would not change my path for all the money in the world. I am happily established as a graduate student, am a teaching assistant for a philosophy class, and though it is a tremendous cut in pay, I wake up every single day thankful, joyful, and with peace.

    My advice is two-fold. First, realize men find a lot of their identity through their vocation so please understand it’s not as simple as a paycheck. He is looking for fulfillment – start dialogue with him and help him discover what it really is that bubbles in his heart to invest his time into (this will help get him out of the “I never want to work again” mode). Second, this is a very good time to practice those vows you’re about to take: better or worse, rich or poor. Are you ready to help see him through a journey to fulfillment, even if it means a cut in pay? Can you help carry a little bit of his burden by taking time to listen as he vents through this time? This isn’t about being a doormat, mind you, but it is about being strong, perhaps stronger than him, for a season.

     

    Vacations and a good life are all wonderful things, but if it’s at the expense of your daily joy, well, for some of us, it’s never going to be worth it. Start this journey with him and see where it leads you – a fulfilled life is a happy life. Good luck :-)

    Thank you so much for your insight. We've been together a long time, and his job situation has always been hard for him... just never this bad. And it's weird, because he actually *likes* the company where he works now, for the first time ever. 

    We went through a period a few years ago where I helped him try to decide what he wanted to do with his life, and he applied to go to grad school (at only one university) but didn't get in. He dropped the idea after that because he felt it was a waste of money anyhow.

    A big part of the issue is that he does not know what he wants to do. He's never felt fulfilled by a job, and doesn't even see that as a possibility. We've been through this a lot. And I've never cared how much money he makes -- if he took a pay cut to be happy, I would fully support that. But I don't really want to be the sole bread-winner if he has no plan in mind...
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    Peachy, I truly sympathize. It sounds like you've done what you can to help him in this area throughout the years and that is the mark of a good woman! With that, your suggestion for counseling for him appears to be right on target. I hope in his time with this person that he is able to sort through the chaos and land somewhere that shows him a path towards fulfillment, and you, contentment.

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    Wow OP, I feel like I could have personally written this exact post last year.  Fi just went through a very similar experience.  He had been at the same small company for about 5-6 years and had moved up the ranks (in a company with maybe 15 employees) to the point where he was directly under the CFO and could go no further.  He was making a middle-class wage but was completely bored and unfulfilled at work.  I could see it seeping into every aspect of his life.  He was depressed, put on some weight, and just wanted to sleep and do nothing on the weekends.  He had a lot of anger and frustration, and talked a lot about quitting even with no other job to go to, and just living on unemployment for a while.

    Fortunately for the long-term, him quitting wasn't really an option because I'm a full-time student right now.  So he continued working while also throwing himself into the job hunt.  He looked on and off for about a year and a half, and he was very dispirited at times.  It got rough.

    But there is a happy ending.  He finally found a job at a big corporation and LOVES his new job.  He's been there about 6 months and he fits in so well with the culture.  The company has a lot of opportunities for advancement, he's getting glowing performance reviews, and the work is interesting and challenging for him.

    He also thought about quitting with nothing to go to, but it's much better that he stayed at the original company while he looked.  First off, they knew he was looking and offered him a raise in the meantime trying to keep him.  But more generally, current experience on the resume is a must.  Unfortunately, it's really hard to find a job when you're already unemployed.  Having a job you can talk about at your interviews is really important.

    Good luck with your Fi.  It sounds like you want him to be happy and are really supportive.  If you can, please do your best to discuss with him that he should keep his current job while looking for something else.  Not only for the immediate paycheck, but also because it's a red flag to have gaps on his resume.  If he perseveres, he should be able to find something more fulfilling.  Best wishes to him on his job search!
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    I've been where your guy is now. It sucks. And there's no easy solution. But here are some things that might help:

    - Do what you can to improve your current work situation. Sometimes that means concentrating on one thing more than another. Sometimes it means having a chat with your boss about changing some things. Or just putting your head down, doing your work, and going home.

    - Start looking for other jobs. Get some training if that's what you need to advance. Talk to a career counselor if you're having trouble finding your path.

    - See a therapist. It sounds like your FH has gotten in a nasty spiral where his work is making him depressed/anxious and his depression/anxiety is making him miserable at work. While leaving a job can help, oftentimes the core issues follow you to the next job, unless you work on them.

    - Create an enjoyable life outside of work, and don't take your work home with you. Obviously this isn't possible in all fields, but it's important to start building some boundaries between your work life and your home life. It's so much easier to slog through Monday to Friday when you know each day takes you closer to an awesome weekend.

    Quitting your job and living off savings ma sound like a good solution, especially when you're at the end of your rope, but it's really not a good idea. Especially if you're not sure what you want to do next and you have depression that might affect your ambition and drive. Even a truly terrible job gives you a paycheck, and that gives you some freedom to look around for the right next step. 
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    My fi went through something similar a few years ago.  It was terrible, and I'm so sorry you're going through it with your fi now.  One thing that really made a difference for my fi is finding outside volunteer work that he could focus on during the week after work.  It was through his church, and it eventually led to a new job in his field that was a big step up for him.  From my own experience, my best networking has happened in outside groups, not professional networking sessions.  Getting involved in something in the community can be a huge help in more ways than one.    
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    peachy0722peachy0722 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited January 2014
    Thanks so much to everyone for all of your advice and comforting words of support. I really, really appreciate it.

    FI talked with his boss and they have another project for him, which they say is long-term (although things tend to change there every other day). So he won't be going 'backwards', at least for now. He was in a better mood because of it, although still wary, but at least not wanting to quit.

    I'm hoping this will give him some time to give therapy a chance, which will ultimately help him take steps towards what he really wants to do.
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