2 Showers...

antoto · January 2014

Hey ladies!

I am my good friend's MOH. She has been engaged for nearly 2 years so I have had a lot of time to plan the bridal shower for her. Her wedding is in March and she told me she preferred to have her shower the day before her wedding so that all of her friends and family would be in town. She also was absolutely adamant that her shower be a gift-free shower and that people bring family recipes instead - I gently tried to explain that a shower is called a shower because you are showered with gifts, but she was extremely adamant. About a month ago her FSIL emails me and asks for all the the BP's addresses because she is going to throw a shower as well. I was surprised, but went ahead and gave it to her.

I think it's awesome that my friend gets to have 2 showers, but I am worried that we will be inviting many of the same people, she didn't ask for my invite list (I sent it to her anyways, just telling her FYI) so I don't know.

The other thing is that at the bottom of the invite it says where she is registered... so I guess there will be gifts???

So I guess what I'm asking: Is it okay to invite the same person to two different showers for the same bride? If not, what am I supposed to do about this? I have not sent my invites yet but will soon.

AddieCake · January 2014

I would be a little annoyed if I got invited to 2 showers for the same person unless I was her mom or something.

antoto · January 2014

Yeah that's what I thought. It seems a little AWish... I'm just miffed because I've been planning her shower for such a long time and then suddenly her FSIL jumps in and does her shower before mine.

I wish she would have instead asked if she could host with me for the shower that was already planned. I'm so confused.... Do I NOT invite certain people now?

HELP!

mbross3 · January 2014

This is tough! Technically it's fine for a bride to have 2 (or more) showers, but people shouldn't be invited to more than 1 (unless they're in the bridal party or maybe a mother/sister). I would recommend reaching out ASAP and comparing guest lists! It sounds like you sent her your guest list, but you should make sure to clarify with her who both of you are going to invite.

misshart00 · January 2014

I would also be annoyed to get two shower invites, unless I'm in the bridal party. I don't think she'll be up for a shower the day before her wedding though.

msuprincess04 · January 2014

Does the FSIL know what the bride wants? Does the bride know what the FSIL is planning? These might be important things. The bride may want to turn down FSIL's plans and the idea of a "surprise shower" probably wouldn't go over well (in case that's what the FSIL is planning).

I've had one shower already in MI and I'll have another in DC closer to our wedding. My MOH, mom, BM and sister were invited to both as they live in MI. At this point, I only know my MOH is coming to DC. I don't expect any additional gifts, I'm just excited she's coming to visit!

antoto · January 2014

misshart00 said:

I would also be annoyed to get two shower invites, unless I'm in the bridal party. I don't think she'll be up for a shower the day before her wedding though.

I asked her and reasked her several times and that's when she wants it.

Inkdancer · January 2014

I would definitely give FSIL a call and talk to her. It sounds like you're taking the brides wishes very seriously, so I would want to make sure nobody stepped on anybody's toes.

TeddiD34 · January 2014

I agree with Addie. Unless it's bridal party members, you really shouldn't be double-dipping the guest lists.

misshart00 · January 2014

antoto said:

misshart00 said:

I would also be annoyed to get two shower invites, unless I'm in the bridal party. I don't think she'll be up for a shower the day before her wedding though.

I asked her and reasked her several times and that's when she wants it.

Sorry, my post wasn't meant to knock on your plans. I just think she doesn't realize she may not want another thing to do right before her wedding.

RebeccaB88 · January 2014

If she doesn't want gifts, maybe a luncheon or tea instead? Not a gift event, so no pressure on similar guest lists. I'd go with the impropriety of one guest list for two gift events.

Maggie0829 · January 2014

Well what you are throwing her is not really a shower since there will be no gifts involved. What you are throwing her is more of a bridal luncheon. So she isn't having two showers she is having one shower and then a luncheon.

I would ask her FSIL who all she is inviting and then maybe tone your guest list down to the wedding party and close family/friends.

antoto · January 2014

I'm also scared that if I DON'T invite certain people that went to the FSIL shower that they will be upset with me or offended.

I hate that I am in this super awkward situation. Anyone out there ever been in this situation before???

antoto · January 2014

RebeccaB88 said:

If she doesn't want gifts, maybe a luncheon or tea instead? Not a gift event, so no pressure on similar guest lists. I'd go with the impropriety of one guest list for two gift events.

OOOO this. Good idea. Yes. Now I just need to reorder the invitations. grumblegrumblegrumble.

mbross3 · January 2014

Is there any way you can talk to the bride about this? Does she know FSIL is also throwing her a shower? Maybe she could talk with FSIL about it and try to clear some of this up. I realize that might not be possible if it's a "surprise shower", but it does leave you in an awkward position. Do you know FSIL well enough to call and talk with her about this--maybe you could even combine plans.

Jen4948 · January 2014

First, there's no such thing as a "gift-free shower." Her being "adamant" about that is out of line. She's not hosting so she doesn't get a say about that.

As for guests being invited to more than one shower for the same honoree, yeah, it probably will annoy people to be asked to attend and give more than one gift to the same bride. You might give FSIL a list of guests who are not also invited to yours, or just not throw a "gift-free shower" at all and let FSIL throw the only shower for her. I like @RebeccaB88's idea about a luncheon or tea too.

antoto · January 2014

mbross3 said:

Is there any way you can talk to the bride about this? Does she know FSIL is also throwing her a shower? Maybe she could talk with FSIL about it and try to clear some of this up. I realize that might not be possible if it's a "surprise shower", but it does leave you in an awkward position. Do you know FSIL well enough to call and talk with her about this--maybe you could even combine plans.

Not a surprise shower, She mentioned it to me while in front of the bride and the bride didn't say anything.

Our events are about 3 weeks apart - so not really sure how to combine them. I was planning a sweet luncheon in the park with tons of pretty flowers and decorations.. and she is planning a coed tailgate themed shower.

theartistformerlyknownas · January 2014

I think if you phrase your invitations as a welcome/bridal luncheon, you're out of the woods. Same people can be invited/come to both since you're not asking for gifts (and shouldn't call a gift-free event a shower anyway, IMO. A recipe isn't a gift, you can ask for those). As far as whether the bride even wants the FSIL's party or not is up to the two of them to hash out. Sounds like she should politely but firmly decline that one if she doesn't want it.

misshart00 · January 2014

Lolo8383 said:

I think if you phrase your invitations as a welcome/bridal luncheon, you're out of the woods. Same people can be invited/come to both since you're not asking for gifts (and shouldn't call a gift-free event a shower anyway, IMO. A recipe isn't a gift, you can ask for those). As far as whether the bride even wants the FSIL's party or not is up to the two of them to hash out. Sounds like she should politely but firmly decline that one if she doesn't want it.

I like this idea.

antoto · January 2014

Jen4948 said:

First, there's no such thing as a "gift-free shower." Her being "adamant" about that is out of line. She's not hosting so she doesn't get a say about that.

As for guests being invited to more than one shower for the same honoree, yeah, it probably will annoy people to be asked to attend and give more than one gift to the same bride. You might give FSIL a list of guests who are not also invited to yours, or just not throw a "gift-free shower" at all and let FSIL throw the only shower for her. I like @RebeccaB88's idea about a luncheon or tea too.

I'm thinking of doing a very small luncheon. Not doing anything at all might be hurtful to her because she knows I've been planning it for a long time.

Jen4948 · January 2014

antoto said:

Jen4948 said:

First, there's no such thing as a "gift-free shower." Her being "adamant" about that is out of line. She's not hosting so she doesn't get a say about that.

As for guests being invited to more than one shower for the same honoree, yeah, it probably will annoy people to be asked to attend and give more than one gift to the same bride. You might give FSIL a list of guests who are not also invited to yours, or just not throw a "gift-free shower" at all and let FSIL throw the only shower for her. I like @RebeccaB88's idea about a luncheon or tea too.

I'm thinking of doing a very small luncheon. Not doing anything at all might be hurtful to her because she knows I've been planning it for a long time.

This would be reasonable.

AddieCake · January 2014

Luncheon sounds good.

mbross3 · January 2014

Hmmm it doesn't sound like it would be possible to combine them then. I like the idea from PP about framing your "shower" as a bridal luncheon or tea. Since she doesn't want gifts anyway, this might be a nice compromise.

It sounds like what you're planning is lovely- I would see about reframing it as a lunch, that might work and as she would really just like recipes, this could still be appropriate!

Good luck!

Kauris · January 2014

When my step sis got married, we all got together the day before for a bridal brunch, her mom was the only person to give her a gift, and it was her bridal lingerie. Since it was brunch, there was no implication of gifts/showering.

Maybe you can keep your plan for the beautiful lunch in the park, but just rename it. Just make sure to ask for the recipes with the invitation, since most people won't know those by heart.

antoto · January 2014

kasmith1 said:

When my step sis got married, we all got together the day before for a bridal brunch, her mom was the only person to give her a gift, and it was her bridal lingerie. Since it was brunch, there was no implication of gifts/showering.

Maybe you can keep your plan for the beautiful lunch in the park, but just rename it. Just make sure to ask for the recipes with the invitation, since most people won't know those by heart.

I got super cute recipe cards that I'm sending along with the invite, and then I got the bride a gorgeous wooden card holder that I'm going to personalize with her new last name

cowgirl8238 · January 2014

antoto said:

kasmith1 said:

When my step sis got married, we all got together the day before for a bridal brunch, her mom was the only person to give her a gift, and it was her bridal lingerie. Since it was brunch, there was no implication of gifts/showering.

Maybe you can keep your plan for the beautiful lunch in the park, but just rename it. Just make sure to ask for the recipes with the invitation, since most people won't know those by heart.

I got super cute recipe cards that I'm sending along with the invite, and then I got the bride a gorgeous wooden card holder that I'm going to personalize with her new last name

That sounds lovely...a bridal luncheon in the park where the guests give the bride recipes! Sounds like you got this

photokitty · January 2014

AddieL73 said:

I would be a little annoyed if I got invited to 2 showers for the same person unless I was her mom or something.

I agree but extend it to mom, grandmas, FMIL, sisters, FSILS and WP. But in our family it is a courtesy and everyone knows a gift is not expected at each shower, even though us sisters and mom always have gifts for each. We have a big family and if you have showers you typically have 2 or 3 and it's more so the immediate people can see/ meet everyone.

hikebikebemerry · January 2014

I wouldn't call it a shower- a bridal tea/ brunch (mmmm)/ luncheon would be much more fitting. Prior to coming on here and understanding the point of bridal showers, (I had never been to one prior to hosting my sister's) my sister didn't want people to feel obligated to bring her a gift. I sent our recipe cards, and asked people to write down their favorite recipe.

I did not include any registry info, so people ended up bring the recipe along with the items that you need to make them. For example, one of the ladies gave a recipe to make GIANT muffins, which my BIL loves, so she got my sister extra large muffin tins and a huge mixing bowl (it's practically sled sized). My sister loves that people got her things that are a) really useful b) she didn't know how useful they were.

TL; DR: Even if you say something to the extent of, "In lieu of a physical gift, please provide the bride with one of your favorite recipes on the card provided", people are still going to bring gifts if it's called a "shower".

Also, if it's a shower, be careful of the wording; taking the time to write down a recipe, and give out a beloved recipe is a gift- if you just say "in lieu of gifts", it could be a little insulting. I'm not even sure if what I wrote is even etiquette approved.

antoto · January 2014

hikebikebemerry said:

I wouldn't call it a shower- a bridal tea/ brunch (mmmm)/ luncheon would be much more fitting. Prior to coming on here and understanding the point of bridal showers, (I had never been to one prior to hosting my sister's) my sister didn't want people to feel obligated to bring her a gift. I sent our recipe cards, and asked people to write down their favorite recipe.

I did not include any registry info, so people ended up bring the recipe along with the items that you need to make them. For example, one of the ladies gave a recipe to make GIANT muffins, which my BIL loves, so she got my sister extra large muffin tins and a huge mixing bowl (it's practically sled sized). My sister loves that people got her things that are a) really useful b) she didn't know how useful they were.

TL; DR: Even if you say something to the extent of, "In lieu of a physical gift, please provide the bride with one of your favorite recipes on the card provided", people are still going to bring gifts if it's called a "shower".

Also, if it's a shower, be careful of the wording; taking the time to write down a recipe, and give out a beloved recipe is a gift- if you just say "in lieu of gifts", it could be a little insulting. I'm not even sure if what I wrote is even etiquette approved.

Lol this is perfect. Yes to everything.

Not too long, read it all

LowerEastSiiide · February 2014

I agree with the " bridal luncheon" thing ... I'd be annoyed to get the invite to 2 showers

SP29 · February 2014

A bridal luncheon would be more than lovely

Also by not calling it a shower, you are taking out the gift obligation.

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