Wedding Etiquette Forum

Head table dilemma

FI and I have 6 people in our wedding party. With significant others, the total is 10 people excluding FI and myself. My FI is dead set against a sweetheart table (he thinks its not traditional and therefore not right). Even after explaining to him that members of our WP must be seated with their SO, he's given me two options: We sit with the 6 members of the WP and their SOs sit elsewhere OR we can sit with our WP and their SOs minus my sister and her boyfriend (there's a long history of issues with my sisters boyfriend, I'm not fond of him, FI can't stand him for good reasons) Pretty much FI WILL NOT sit with my sisters boyfriend. I understand it, but I don't know how to make it work etiquette wise. (Sorry about the lack of paragraphs, they don't seem to be working on my iPad)

Re: Head table dilemma

  • If your FI will not sit with your sister's boyfriend, the best thing to do would either have a sweetheart table, or sit with your parents and have your wedding party sit with their friends (if they know other people).  You are correct, neither of his options work etiquette wise.  I think it makes it tricky because it's your sister.
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  • We have a WP of 6 people, all with SOs, amounting to 14 people when you include FI and I.  Tables fit 10. To make things fair, neither of our siblings (my brother, his sister) and their +1s (4 people total) are sitting with us and will sit at another table with other people they know and love. Is one of his GMs his brother? That would be the solution I suggest.
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  • Another option would be to have a King's table (I think that's what it's called, correct me if I'm wrong) where you have you two and your BM and his date, and MoH and her date. That's assuming your sister isn't MoH.
  • If you FI won't go for a sweetheart have a King's Table or assign WP seats and offer to sit your sister and her boyfriend at the furthers possible point from your FI.  The order would be something like: Sis's BF, Sis, 2 additional couples, You, Hubs, and then 2 additional couples.  That's 6 people in between your FI and your sister's BF.  If you're doing long banquet tables then technically he'd be seated at a different table altogether :)

    Formerly known as flutterbride2b
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  • I think your fiance is being really unreasonable. I'm really sorry. Because you're right, none of that works etiquette-wise.

    One option is to sit all siblings with parents. This works a little better if your sister isn't the only sibling.
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  • @hisgirlfriday13 Exactly. I know that a lot of people care about tradition, but you shouldn't follow a tradition JUST BECAUSE when it obviously does not suit your situation.

    OP, I don't want you to think about this like we're shitting all over your fiance. It doesn't sound like you're going to be able to convince him that he's being weirdly unreasonable about this, so I think it's good that folks are brainstorming what you could do to get around this problem. But I think you need to know that you're not being unreasonable here.
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  • I am in the same boat... ish.  My FI is dead set on the head table, even though I told him it isn't proper etiquette. Hoping he will come around to a sweetheart table, even though I hate being the center of attention (tremendous stage fright).  Maybe we can just join a normal table with our guests
  • @themuffinman16 A head table isn't against proper etiquette exactly. But when you don't let your bridal party sit with their dates, that's a problem. But you can totally have a head table with your wedding party and their dates. The problem the OP has with that is that her fiance is insisting on a head table either without dates or without the OP's sister and sister's date.

    But you TOTALLY can just sit at a normal table with your guests!
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    now with ~* INCREASED SASSINESS *~
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  • FI wants head table without SOs, and we have too many in our party to have a king's table (6 bridesmaids and 4 groomsman, and 3 SOs that aren't in the wedding party, plus us= new venue). Lol  
  • I feel bad for the OP, though.  It is hard when FIs have something in their head that is against etiquette (mine thought facebook invites were a great way to save money.Glad I talked him out of that. Lol.) Seating arrangements are the hardest part of wedding planning, especially if you have a dysfunctional family, or tension between people at the wedding. I wish OP best wishes and hope that her FI realizes a table for one evening isn't the biggest of deals, when you think about the whole day.  I agree with another poster who said, if she were at the kings table, seat her sister and boyfriend furthest from her FI, but I hope he reconsiders the sweetheart table.  I just think it's a nice quiet moment for the couple to have together before the night flies by.
  • He is being completely unreasonable. I like the compromise of having the 2 of you and your Best Man and Maid of Honor and SOs together or the 2 of you with all of your parents. 

    @themuffinman16  I wouldn't worry about having stage fright from sitting at a sweetheart table. It really is no different than eating at a restaurant. Unless you have the table elevated or somehow front and center, nobody is paying any attention to you while you eat b/c they are eating, too. 



    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • AddieL73 said:
    He is being completely unreasonable. I like the compromise of having the 2 of you and your Best Man and Maid of Honor and SOs together or the 2 of you with all of your parents. 

    @themuffinman16  I wouldn't worry about having stage fright from sitting at a sweetheart table. It really is no different than eating at a restaurant. Unless you have the table elevated or somehow front and center, nobody is paying any attention to you while you eat b/c they are eating, too. 



    The last wedding I attended (and was in), the bride and groom sat on an actual stage and I still didn't pay much attention to them because I was busy eating and talking to people and such. I'm pretty sure everyone else was doing the same.
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  • I was going to say what Addie did- have your MOH+date and his BM+date at the head table with you and your FI and sit the rest of your wedding party (and their dates) at a table next to you or with other people they know.

     

    How far off is your wedding? Or better, how much time do you have to change his mind? I had a similar issue with my DH regarding cash bars. He felt the 1 hour open bar, maybe 2 hours tops, was plenty and a cash bar was perfectly fine. I explained my side and debated hard, but he wouldn't budge. Finally, after getting our estimated final cost it was lower than we anticipated. I saw an in and added the extra 2 hours. But I knew my DH wouldn't take a huge issue with it, even if he didn't agree. At the end of our wedding night he did thank me and admit I was right. It was worth every penny. So, it is possible to change their minds.

     

    Have you asked him how he would feel you two were separated at a wedding due to some silly tradition?

    After 6 years and 2 boys, finally tying the knot on October 27th, 2013!

  • acove2006 said:

    I was going to say what Addie did- have your MOH+date and his BM+date at the head table with you and your FI and sit the rest of your wedding party (and their dates) at a table next to you or with other people they know.

     

    How far off is your wedding? Or better, how much time do you have to change his mind? I had a similar issue with my DH regarding cash bars. He felt the 1 hour open bar, maybe 2 hours tops, was plenty and a cash bar was perfectly fine. I explained my side and debated hard, but he wouldn't budge. Finally, after getting our estimated final cost it was lower than we anticipated. I saw an in and added the extra 2 hours. But I knew my DH wouldn't take a huge issue with it, even if he didn't agree. At the end of our wedding night he did thank me and admit I was right. It was worth every penny. So, it is possible to change their minds.

     

    Have you asked him how he would feel you two were separated at a wedding due to some silly tradition?

    1st bold- We're 8 months away so I still have some time to change his mind. 

    2nd bold- ACTUALLY, this did happen to us at his sister's wedding, which is the reason he believes that head tables without SOs are traditional and acceptable. I definitely did not enjoy being seated away from him, especially since I didn't know anyone else very well at all, but he said he had no problem sitting away from me :| 

    Thanks for the advice everyone! I do agree that he's being unreasonable so I'm glad that I now have a few more ideas to suggest and hope he comes around! 
  • I agree with Addie-your FI is being completely unreasonable, and I'd be tempted to tell him at this point that he's welcome to sit by himself and you will sit with the friends and family you want, along with their SOs.

    No, of course I wouldn't tell him that. But you're right, couples need to sit together, and if you want to avoid sitting with your sister's BF, they need to be at a different table.  I like the compromise suggested, where it's the two of you with your MOH, BM, and their SOs together.
  • Have you suggested the MOH/BM idea to him?

    After 6 years and 2 boys, finally tying the knot on October 27th, 2013!

  • cruffinocruffino member
    First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    edited February 2014
    We don't want a sweetheart table or a head table so we are sitting at a normal table. The wedding party will be split up among 3 tables based on who knows each other.

    I guess I'm saying that it doesn't have ro be either or. You can split people up. No big whoop.
  • I was going to ask why he seems so set on tradition and yet gave you two untraditional options to choose from--but it sounds like his past experiences have him confused about that. 

    You have to allow SOs to sit together. It sounds like you understand this from personal experience as well- but I went to a wedding for a member of BFs family and they didn't seat us together (he wasn't even in the wedding party, but they sat him with "family" and me with just random others). it was dreadful since I'd really never met most of his family (they live 1000 miles away give or take). Please don't do this to your wedding party- even if the SOs might know a couple other people.

    I think the best option is to keep everyone together with you sister and BF seated as far from FI as possible. If he won't accept this, go with a King's table, but I'm sure you'd like to eat with your WP too?
  • mbross3 said:
    I was going to ask why he seems so set on tradition and yet gave you two untraditional options to choose from--but it sounds like his past experiences have him confused about that. 

    You have to allow SOs to sit together. It sounds like you understand this from personal experience as well- but I went to a wedding for a member of BFs family and they didn't seat us together (he wasn't even in the wedding party, but they sat him with "family" and me with just random others). it was dreadful since I'd really never met most of his family (they live 1000 miles away give or take). Please don't do this to your wedding party- even if the SOs might know a couple other people.

    I think the best option is to keep everyone together with you sister and BF seated as far from FI as possible. If he won't accept this, go with a King's table, but I'm sure you'd like to eat with your WP too?

    that makes it on the top 5 worst things ive read on here list. im sorry they were such assholes

    After 6 years and 2 boys, finally tying the knot on October 27th, 2013!

  • If you're going to have 8-10 people at every table, and your wedding party, plus SOs, plus bride and groom equals 12 people, I'd just have 8 people at the "head table" and 4 people at another table--maybe with the parents or other VIPs, if that works out. I'd also refrain from calling anything the "head table" just to be diplomatic. 
  • OP i don't think you've addressed the question of whether or not your sister is your MOH?

     

    If she isn't, i'd suggest the "king's table" thing where you, your FI, your MOH and her date, and your BM and his date sit at a table together.  You can scatter the rest of the bridal party among tables of their family and friends (sit your sister and her BF with your parents, for example).

     

    If your sister is your MOH, i think you're going to have to compromise - either you do a full head table with wedding party and SOs, or you do a sweetheart table and sit the wedding party with other people that they know at the normal tables.  in my crowd, sweetheart tables are actually more common than head tables, so i really don't think this is a "tradition" thing.

     

    we went to a wedding a few months ago where all of the SOs except one were sat at the head table, because one of the GM didn't have a date, so it was an uneven number of people.  That poor SO didn't even get sat at a table with people she knew - they put her at a random table that happened to have an empty seat.  It was so rude.  And several of the people i knew that were there discussed how rude it was.  Of course, no one said anything to the bride and groom, but we all definitely judged them.  People are likely to do the same thing to you if you go that route.

  • My sister is not my MOH. So I think I'll suggest the "kings table" with my MOH, her bf, BM, and his wife (who is also a bridesmaid). I'll also keep pushing for the sweetheart table because that's what I would prefer anyway!
  • My sister is not my MOH. So I think I'll suggest the "kings table" with my MOH, her bf, BM, and his wife (who is also a bridesmaid). I'll also keep pushing for the sweetheart table because that's what I would prefer anyway!
    This sounds like a great compromise on multiple levels between a sweetheart and not breaking etiquette (your preference) and a head table and not sitting with your sister's boyfriend (his preference) with the bonus that it doesn't break any etiquette rules.  You can seat the rest of your BP with their family & friends.
    Formerly known as flutterbride2b
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  • I have said it before, but I loved having a sweetheart table. It was the only moment that we really got to be together and talk the whole night! Granted people kept coming up and taking pictures and saying hi, plus we were getting up to do table visits. But I can't imagine not having those few moments with hubby to talk and take it all in!
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