What to do about age cutoff?

delujm0 · January 2014

I agree with PPs that said that you should invite the siblings (obviously) and all of the kids from family #1. That is easy enough to explain as exceptions. It would be crazy to allow everyone in family #1 to come except for one child, especially if they are coming in from out of town.

[Deleted User] · January 2014

So then is it acceptable to invite only the kids who are relations (cousins, nieces, nephews)?

I am of the mindset that you invite all or none- which adds like 15 guests to our already blown up guest list (that's another story) However FI feels strongly that his two cousins come, aged 10 and 14- which I can kinda of relate to because they are family after all. All of my cousins are adults so invited on their own, but we do have quite a few friends with young kids and ?I don't want to hurt anyone's feeling when they see other kids there but not their own...

cowgirl8238 · January 2014

I am big fan of inviting in circles. In your case I would invite the BP as a circle and your immediate family as a circle and be done! I understand that you would have liked to compromise but in your situation it just doesn't make logical sense. Just be sure your FI agrees and does the same.

Inkdancer · January 2014

It is more than okay to invite some kids but not all, as long as you don't break up siblings who are not adults.

Your friends will certainly understand that you are limited in the number of people you can invite, and if you can only invite children of family members then that is okay.

melbenso · January 2014

I think splitting up kids in a family unit on an invite is going to be side-eyed more than any other possibility, so either invite all the children from family unit X or none of them. To a lesser extent, I am dealing with this with my own wedding. My cousin Jack has two boys. The oldest, Joe, will be 13 when we get married and he's a really great kid. Joe lives several states away and aside from Jack's sister and her kids (who live even father away than we do), we are his only family on his dad's side. We only see him once a year, so he really misses us and the rest of his dad's family. I really want Joe to be at the wedding and get to see his family and his cousins. (I even told my uncle that if my cousin doesn't make it and Joe still wants to come, he could come with my aunt and uncle if they were OK with that.) Jack's younger son will be 8 by the time of the wedding and he's a holy terror. Not the kind of child who can stay well behaved for long. And I really doubt he cares at all about going to a wedding. But he is invited too. Because it would be terribly rude not to do so. My cousin may chose not to bring him (he is well aware of the behavior issues, they will be traveling from out of state and plane tickets for three people for a weekend is a little pricey). But if he does, I am just going to have to trust that he will watch his son and control his behavior if he gets out of hand.

If you aren't comfortable assuming that of your guests, then I think PP's suggestion to make the under 18 cut off immediate family (underage siblings) and the wedding party is the best way to handle this.

HaileyDancingbear · January 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:

LowerEastSiiide said:

This is too long... Give me three sentences and I'll give my opinion

Having wedding at outdoor campsite and doesn't really want kids present. Some kids are in WP, though. Should she invite any kids, all kids, only WP kids?
DO NOT ENGAGE, PLAY WITH, OR FEED THE TROLL!!! You know better than that.

For a second I thought you were calling me the troll and was like "What did I do????" Lol. I'm going to finish my coffee before I read more responses...

HaileyDancingbear · January 2014

Thanks everyone for the responses, they were really helpful, especially given that I was really planning on going through with the 10 or above rule before I posted this, and that would have been a shitshow. And regarding complaints about length- I write a lot, I know, sorry. Old habits die hard. In the future I'll do a cliffs notes at the top of my posts so it's not such a pain.

I'm going to take the advice given here and just go through with a "No kids" rule, inviting only mine and FI's siblings, and the 9 year old related to the wedding party. Given that I can't invite some but not all, it's the best approach.

Given that that side of the family loves kids (Clearly) and the other weddings in the family have been huge and invited everyone and their kids, I expect backlash and hurt feelings. Anyone know the best way to handle that?

Inkdancer · January 2014

"I can't believe you didn't invite little Suzy and Jane and Joey and Filbert!"
"I'm very sorry, we just weren't able to invite everyone that we wanted to invite. Hopefully we'll get to see them at another family event soon. Are you enjoying the punch?"
"But everyone always invites the whole family!"
"I'm sorry you feel that way. This punch is really very good."

phira · January 2014

"[Kids] were at [other family member's wedding] and everything was fine!" or "[Kid] is really mature and she's SO SAD that she's not invited! What am I supposed to tell her? That she's just not grown up enough?"

Potential replies:

"I'm having a different wedding than [other family member], and it's not in our budget to be able to invite so many people. I'm really sorry. Anyway ..."

"I'm sorry that [kid] is upset. I hope you understand that we are just not able to invite every child in the family because of our budget. She's a wonderful kid and very mature. Anyway ..."

"There are other kids at the wedding! Why can't my kid come?"

"We weren't able to invite everyone that we wanted to invite. That means that there were some adults we weren't able to invite, and some kids we couldn't invite. I hope you understand that it was important for us to have our siblings come to our wedding."

"If it's purely budgetary, I'll pay for my children."

"That's a kind offer, but we made a guest list based on our budget. If we accept financial assistance from you so that your children can come to the wedding, it sends the message to other parents that they need to pay us to let them bring our children. We're really not comfortable with that. The guest list is finalized and it's not open for discussion."

All in all, come up with your party line ("We could not afford to invite everyone we wanted to invite, which included adults and children, and we had to make some hard decisions about it") and stick to it. Don't touch "maturity" or mention adult supervision of children. Budget is pretty much The One Thing they really cannot argue with (and if they DO argue with it, they come off looking very foolish).

Yes, people will be upset. Yes, some of them might even tell you they're upset. Warn your parents--they're going to get phone calls, too (from people who know better than to talk to you directly, but not well enough to NOT say anything).

HaileyDancingbear · January 2014

@phira Thank you, you are extremely helpful!

WildMagelet · January 2014

So then is it acceptable to invite only the kids who are relations (cousins, nieces, nephews)?

I am of the mindset that you invite all or none- which adds like 15 guests to our already blown up guest list (that's another story) However FI feels strongly that his two cousins come, aged 10 and 14- which I can kinda of relate to because they are family after all. All of my cousins are adults so invited on their own, but we do have quite a few friends with young kids and ?I don't want to hurt anyone's feeling when they see other kids there but not their own...

It if perfectly acceptable to invite only children who are related to the B&G.

phira · January 2014

HaileyDancingbear said:

@phira Thank you, you are extremely helpful!

We're not having a kid-free wedding (we're inviting all children), but 1) we have a much smaller number of children, 2) they're much older (only four of them will be under the age of 12), and 3) my partner pretty much refused to leave any of his cousins off the guest list. But my brother's wedding three years ago was child-free minus the flower girl, and my mom vented to me about the pressure the rest of the family was putting on her and my brother. You can't avoid people being obnoxious about your age cut-off decisions, but at the very least, we can share ways for you to just say something, change the subject, and/or end the conversation!

s-aries8990 · February 2014

Late to the game - Just invite the BP's sister - the 9 year old - and leave it at that for kids.

If you can for FI's side, try to not invite too many young kids if possible.

What to do about age cutoff?

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