Readings

clg1213 · January 2014

Some background: Wedding will be civil, former mayor presiding. My family is primarily Jewish and I was raised to consider myself Jewish but we never practiced at all...more of a culture than a religion in our family. FI was raised Catholic but they've largely shifted to a looser form of Christianity. Many go to church. FI does not. We were planning on two readings at the wedding. My Mom is doing one and I generally suggested looking for prose or poetry on the topic of love (and googling "civil wedding reading"). At first, FI's mom was doing the 2nd. I was present for the convo and said I thought it would make me and my guests uncomfortable if it was bible-based...she seemed FINE with that. Now, she backed out. FI plans to ask one of his sisters. But he feels she should get to pick what she wants...and that it will likely be pretty religious. I think we can ask her to keep it civil and even ask to approve it (in the end, after I'd sent her a few samples and got her to the right sites, my mom sent me three things she likes to pick from). He thinks that the reading comes from her and should be what she talked about wants. Thoughts? And, before it is asked, yes we've talked about the role of religion in our lives and for possible kids. So it is a confined matter

clg1213 · January 2014

I promise there WERE paragraphs! I even tried to edit to put them back. Sorry for the jumble!!!

phira · January 2014

One of my future brothers-in-law will give a toast and the other will do a reading; we're not sure which one will do which. If BIL #1 is going to do a reading, we'll let him pick. If BIL #2 is going to do a reading, we'll pick 3-4 from him to choose from OR we'll ask him to find 3-4 he likes.

I do not think that it's true that since you're asking someone to do a reading, they get to pick what's read. I do think it's fair that if they don't want to read what you've picked (like with your future mother-in-law), then they can back out.

This is honestly more of a problem with your fiance than it is with your future in-laws. The two of you need to decide, together, what are appropriate readings for your wedding. It matters a lot to you that the readings not be religious, but it matters to your fiance that one of the readers be one of his family members (yes?). One solution is to select a reading for your future sister-in-law if she agrees to be a reader; another is to just let her know that the two of you (together) would like to keep the reading secular.

If your fiance is just not okay with this, then maybe you should just have the one reading ...

HisGirlFriday13 · January 2014

It's your wedding, you get to pick the readings. End of story. This is one of those few times you get to pull the 'it's our day' card.

I would give her three choices and let her pick.

If you want to split the difference, let her read 1 Cor. 13; it's from the Bible and talks about love but doesn't mention God by name. Win-win.

phira · January 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:

It's your wedding, you get to pick the readings. End of story. This is one of those few times you get to pull the 'it's our day' card. I would give her three choices and let her pick. If you want to split the difference, let her read 1 Cor. 13; it's from the Bible and talks about love but doesn't mention God by name. Win-win.

One of my partner's aunts read it at his grandmother's funeral. I admitted to him later, quite embarrassed, that I had no idea that it was from the Bible.

ei34 · January 2014

The bride and groom are the ones responsible for picking the readings- it's your ceremony so they should have a special meaning for you. As another PP suggested, you could give your FMIL a few to choose from. If she still declines, as is her right, one of your FSILs or someone could fill in.

Hubby and I were married in a Catholic church, but I took care to select readings that although they were from the bible, they weren't super-religious and God-centric. (We're Catholic but very liberal and more spiritual than religious.) @HisGirlFriday13 mentioned 1 Cor 13 which was one of ours, the other was from the Songs of Solomon...both had a real focus on love. I'd be happy to message you either or both if you'd like to see them. Good luck!

JaxInBlue · January 2014

Agree with PPs. You should have some say in the readings done at your ceremony. I also agree with the recommendations for both the Corinthians and Song of Solomon (I think it's 2:10-13) readings - both are spiritual (which sounds like it would be okay) but not God-heavy. We used Corinthians are both our wedding and our subsequent convalidation, and Song of Solomon at our convalidation.

We also used a excerpt from Madeline L'Engel's The Irrational Season and a poem by Maya Angelou at our wedding.

Inkdancer · January 2014

Readings are not toasts. They are part of the ceremony and you as the bride and groom have every right to choose exactly what is said at your ceremony-- these are, after all, the words you are promising to live by for the rest of your lives.

In this case, I would either choose 3 or 4 items and let the sister pick one, or ask the sister to pick a few readings she might like to give and then you and your FI make the final selection. That way, FSIL gets to say something she really means, and you get to be sure that it's in line with what you believe.

mbross3 · January 2014

You should absolutely pick readings you like and offer them as options to readers. I've seen this at many weddings and it is perfectly acceptable. This is your wedding and you should decide what you want read at the ceremony. To be perfectly honest, asking someone to choose a reading without any guidance can be a lot of work and stress for that person! Unless they know you very well and know what you would like, it can be very hard to be in the position of picking a reading for someone's wedding.

I promise it is not rude and should not offend someone to be given choices of what to read. If you and your FI have decided on a civil wedding- that decision needs to be honored and respected. There are PLENTY of non-religious writings on love in the world. Talk to your FI, maybe pick out a couple potential readings together and then talk with his sister (or whoever) about whether they would like to read one during the ceremony. If your FI wants his sister (again, or whoever) to have more of a say in the readings, maybe you can ask her for some suggestions on authors or themes. Express to her that your preference would be to keep it civil and see what her input is.

Good luck!

delujm0 · January 2014

We selected three readings - one from the bible (which i kind of hate, but it was important to FI to have at least one bible reading, so i compromised), and two poems. We haven't conclusively decided on who would be doing the readings, or which one each person would do, but i guess we'd assign the bible one to whichever of our readers is the most religious.

The point is, YOU pick the readings for the ceremony. The readers do not have any input really. I mean if i had a friend who was an athiest doing a reading, i wouldn't ask them to do the bible one, but unless the person who i want to read it finds it offensive, they don't have any input. Also, they can always decline to be a reader if they have a problem with the reading. Your ceremony should reflect you and your FI - so you shouldn't have to use a reading that you don't want to be involved. You shouldn't be made to feel uncomfortable at your own wedding ceremony! That's preposterous!

MandyMost · January 2014

Totally agree that a reader can decline to read something specific, but they get no say into what is read at the ceremony. I was asked to do a reading once, and agreed on the grounds that I was not comfortable reading anything religious. Turns out it wasn't, and I was happy to do it and participate in that way.

clg1213 · January 2014

Thanks all for the input. The general consensus seems to fit with my view and it helps to have some backup. I'll talk to FI again and see if I can get him behind giving FSIL a few options. I'll include the idea that it may be easier for HER if we give her some choices (and I had already helped my mom look so have some starting points...FI had approved the one she's doing). We have not approached FSIL but I want to do so soon since I know I'd want time to get familiar with the reading. I certainly wouldn't want FSIL to read anything she wasn't comfortable with...and would not be offended if she felt she could not participate in a civil wedding (I don't think that's the case, but it would be her right). P.S. His mom's decision to decline was more about just not being comfortable in front of the audience, not about any specific reading selection.

melbenso · February 2014

You get to pick the readings for your wedding. If you think that FSIL having zero input whatsoever is going to cause a bigger fight than you want to deal with, why don't you and FI pick a couple of readings that the two of you like and then give them to FSIL to make a final decision from those selected?

melbelleup · February 2014

I'd view it the same way as a church wedding. Brides and Grooms pick the readings, they just read it. That's it. My FI and I worked on picking readings this weekend.

clg1213 · February 2014

OP here.....I have passed several readings I liked to FI who will send three to FSIL. If she doesn't like any, i;ll try again or simply allow herto step-down.

Bubblegum5586 · February 2014

I am Jewish and hubby and immediate family don't really practice anything. Hubby made it clear he DID NOT want a Jewish wedding. We compromised on a few Jewish traditions and our readings were not Religious at all. I was very happy with how it turned out so I just wanted to share the readings we chose and the Jewish traditions we kept.

-We were both escorted down the aisle by both our parents

-We were married under a chuppah (made of hockey sticks - hubby plays hockey)

-Blessing over the wine, drinking the wine and breaking of the glass

-Signing of a Ketubah (which is now a work of art we hang in our home with our vows)

1st Reading (before our Vows)

An excerpt "Union" by Robert Fulghum

You have known each other from the first glance of acquaintance to the point of commitment. At some point, you decided to marry. From that moment of yes to this moment of yes, indeed, you have been making promises and agreements in an informal way. All those conversations that were held riding in a car or over a meal or during long walks – all those sentences that begin with “when we’re married” and continued with “I will and you will and we will” – those late night talks that included “someday” and “somehow” and “maybe” and all those promises that are unspoken matters of the heart. All these common things, and more, are the real process of a wedding. The symbolic vows that you are about to make are a way of saying to one another “You know all those things we’ve promised and hoped and dreamed – well, I meant it all – every word.” Look at one another and remember this moment in time. Before this moment you have been many things to one another – acquaintance, friend, companion, lover, dancing partner and even teacher – for you have learned much from one another in these last few years. Now you shall say a few words that take you across a threshold of life, and things will never quite be the same between you. For after these vows, you shall say to the world, this – is my husband. This – is my wife.

2nd Reading (after our Vows)

Irish Hands Blessing

Please face each other and take each other’s hands, so that you may see the gift that they are to you.

These are the hands of your best friend, young and strong and full of love for you, that are holding yours on your wedding day as you promise to love each other today, tomorrow and forever.

These are the hands that will work alongside yours as together you build your future.

These are the hands that will passionately love you and cherish you through the years, and with the slightest touch will comfort you like no other.

These are the hands that will hold you when fear or grief temporarily comes to you.

These are the hands that will countless times wipe the tears from your eyes, tears of sorrow and tears of joy.

These are the hands that will give you strength when you need it, support and encouragement to pursue your dreams, and comfort through difficult times.

These are the hands that will tenderly hold your children.

These are the hands that will give you support and encouragement to chase down your dreams.

These are the hands that will hold you tight as you struggle through difficult times.

These are the hands that will give you strength when you need it.

These are the hands that will lift your chin and brush your cheek as they raise your face to look into eyes that are filled with overwhelming love for you.

And lastly, these are the hands that even when wrinkled and aged will still be reaching for yours, still giving you the same unspoken tenderness with just a touch.

This may have been way more information then you needed, but just wanted to share in my experience when there are 2 religions (yet want to minimize religion in the ceremony) and have readings involved.

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