Getting flack for doing the etiquette-approved thing

CrazyCatLady3 · February 2014

So I had my invites printed and put the *actual* start time of the ceremony (7 pm) on the invite. We have 7-7:30 for the ceremony and cocktail hour is 7:30 to 8:30. We just met with our officiant and she said she prefers couples to put the start time as 30 min before the actual start time. I said I didn't want people waiting around and being pissed that we didn't start at the time we said we would. She said she understands that, but that if half the people aren't there by 7:10 we are not going to want to start, and that then the ceremony will run into our cocktail hour time. My DOC also said the same thing.

Do I need to start worrying now and having our parents spread by word of mouth that the *actual* start time is 7? Do I put on my wedding website that 7 is the true start time? Apparently these wedding professionals think people don't know to get there on time.

Jen4948 · February 2014

No. Just leave things the way they are. It really isn't up to the officiant or your DOC what time is listed on your invitation. If half the people aren't there by 7:10, then you start with the half that are there.

AddieCake · February 2014

Ditto PP. Leave it as it is. If people aren't there on time, it's their own damned fault that they missed it.

climbingsingle · February 2014

I think the idea of treating your guests like children is insulting. People know how to get themselves to an event on time. Don't listen to your officiant and DOC when it comes to this. You have nothing to worry about.

jdluvr06 · February 2014

My mom joked about putting an earlier time on the invite for one of my aunts because she is constantly late for everything, that is just the way she is. Of course we were only joking about it we have no intention of doing that. Just keep things the way they are.

MobKaz · February 2014

All of the ^^ above.

Chipmunk415 · February 2014

My DJ (who's also doing ceremony music) suggested we wait 5-10 minutes for stragglers. Nope, I expect my guests to act like responsible adults and be on time. Guess that makes me bridezilla?

In reference to this, he told me of an occasion where he did the music at the venue I'm using, and this very elderly, frail gentleman was late getting to the venue, and could not walk fast. He'd made it half way across the green space when the bridesmaids started passing him, followed by the bride. Man was apparently mortified.

kmmssg · February 2014

NO!!! Stick to your guns. And what are you paying that DOC for if she isn't making sure you start on time???

We are using a DOC for DD's wedding in June. Used her when our last DD got married almost 5 years ago. We will have an itinerary for Friday and Saturday for each person, where they are supposed to be, how they are getting there, what time to be there, right up to who is driving the B&G to their hotel since they plan on drinking a bit?

I would be looking that DOC right in the eyes and asking her why she doesn't think you will start on time. Whoamygoodness this made me mad!

I can make sure a wedding starts on time without a DOC thanks to Backwards Planning I learned in the Army - first DD's wedding went like a charm. If a DOC can't make that happen she isn't very good.

Must go celebrate National Margarita Day one day late to calm down here...

HisGirlFriday13 · February 2014

Your officiant is crazypants. You put the start time of the wedding on the invite. People will either plan accordingly or not, and if not, then they're the rude ones.

True story: At a friend's wedding recently, the invite said '6 p.m.' The last shuttle from the hotel to the ceremony/reception venue left at 5.15 (10-15 minute trip). DH and I arrived at 5.40, figuring we had plenty of time.

They started seating us at 6.15. The first BM walked down the aisle at 6.25 or 6.30. The wedding finally started at 6.45. It ended at 7.15(ish) and the cocktail hour started immediately.

But I was ticked -- we had rushed to get there on time, meaning we hadn't grabbed a last-minute snack or anything. so I was hungry, and then we were kept waiting. And I didn't appreciate being told a false start time just because the groom's family is apparently always late.

DH's grandmother threatened to be late to our wedding. I said, 'Well, that's fine, but the wedding starts at 3 p.m., and anyone not ass-in-pew by then will be forced to wait in the vestibule for the ceremony to end.' She said, 'You can't start without me; I'm too important.' I said, 'As long as DH and I and the priest are there, we're good to go, so I suggest you be on time, or else YOU can explain to DH why you were late to his wedding and missed the entirety of the ceremony.'

Blue_Bird · February 2014

To Officiant and Coordinator: "Thank you for your suggestion, but we have decided to keep the invitations the way they are".

The end.

phira · February 2014

Your invites are already printed, so they can fuck off. TAH. DAH.

Our venue provides a coordinator, and the coordinator must approve our invitation start time, and they have the invitation start time 10 minutes before the ceremony.

I'm a little annoyed, since I always show up early to weddings. However, we're not having a shuttle from a hotel that'll get a chunk of guests to the venue on time, and the delay is only 10 minutes, not something like 30 or more.

And because I'm not hiding in the bridal suite until I walk down the aisle, I will be around to be all, "Okay, look, most people are here, it's 3:30pm, let's do this shit."

If it weren't required for the venue, I wouldn't have a delay.

artbyallie · February 2014

Anybody who doesn't know the time on the invite is when the bride hits the aisle and fails to plan accordingly deserves to stand outside and wait until they can enter surreptitiously and sit in the back. My DOC was wonderful about getting people in without disrupting the ceremony.

lyndausvi · February 2014

I'm a very, very prompt person. I get anxiety attacks if I *think* I will be late. If I'm on time I feel like I'm late (except for parties, when being on time is a faux pas).

My invitation had the correct time and I walked down the aisle at said time. If anyone was late so be it. I wasn't waiting for anyone.

*** note - I guess if the shuttle we had provided was late I would have waiting, but at that point I would not have minded if it ran into our cocktail hour.

FiancB · February 2014

Ugh gross.

RebeccaB88 · February 2014

I'd find a new coordinator. The coordinator's job is to make sure things start at the time printed on the invitations. I'm guessing she's telling you she can't do her job properly.

CrazyCatLady3 · February 2014

It's not so much that the DOC can't get things started on time, it's just that she (and the officiant) think that if I look out and see half the chairs empty *I* am not going to want to start on time. I guess I will just have to prove them wrong.

CMGragain · February 2014

You say to them,"I am sure there are other officiants (co-ordinators) who can start on time. Please let me know if you feel you aren't up to the job so that I can make other arrangements."

phira · February 2014

Yep. Definitely tell them, "We're not going to reprint our invitations. We will start at 7:00pm. If any guests are late, then I'm sure you can have some staff available to prevent them from disrupting the ceremony while it's in progress."

Ven&Radio · February 2014

The one thing I got a little bridezilla-y over was starting on time. I didn't care WHO was late, we were starting promptly at 5:30. I was also shocked by the number of guests who showed up an hour early, despite printing the correct start time on the invites.

FiancB · February 2014

My biggest peeve is people that are late to everything and there's no way I would lie about start time/ start late to accommodate them. I'm always around 20 minutes early to weddings, just in case and it really chaps my ass when it starts late on top of that. 10 minutes I can deal with, 30 I'd probably wander off.

phira · February 2014

@FiancB Exactly. If Uncle Bob is always late to everything, and he can't manage to be on time to my wedding, I'm not going to feel terribly generous about catering to his tardiness by delaying an event that's taking over a year and a looooot of money to plan and pull off.

[Deleted User] · February 2014

We started a few minutes late, but that was because there was a traffic situation that delayed many of our guests that we decided to allow some time for. The president, VP and the Republican candicates were all in our town on the day of my wedding doing speeches. The president left his location & headed back to the airport around the same time and same route that many of my guests were planning to head out. None of this was known in advance because his departure time wasn't publized, only the start time of his event. So the freeway was closed while he headed back to the airport. But once the groom, groomsmen and our parents were there, we got started.

grumbledore · February 2014

CrazyCatLady3 said:

So I had my invites printed and put the *actual* start time of the ceremony (7 pm) on the invite. We have 7-7:30 for the ceremony and cocktail hour is 7:30 to 8:30. We just met with our officiant and she said she prefers couples to put the start time as 30 min before the actual start time. I said I didn't want people waiting around and being pissed that we didn't start at the time we said we would. She said she understands that, but that if half the people aren't there by 7:10 we are not going to want to start, and that then the ceremony will run into our cocktail hour time. My DOC also said the same thing.

Do I need to start worrying now and having our parents spread by word of mouth that the *actual* start time is 7? Do I put on my wedding website that 7 is the true start time? Apparently these wedding professionals think people don't know to get there on time.

Try to ignore people's bad advice. I've started getting it too now that we announced to everyone that we're getting married. It's easy to get flustered, but stick to your guns.

jnissa · February 2014

The last time I checked, you were paying an officiant to do a job for you. Unless your contract specifies it, if you want to wait until 7:30 to start because people are running late - while it's rude to your guests - it's still *your* call and not your officiant's. Your the boss here.

We actually fired a wedding photographer and rebooked another one because at one of our consultations she started listing off things she would and wouldn't do that were kind of nutso and not anywhere in the initial contract (Things like "I don't take photos of drunk people." WTH? It's a wedding.) Or my personal favorite (I'm going to be 7 months preggo at the wedding) "It's important to me to shoot you from angles where you don't look too big so that I have shots for my website."

I don't always buy into "your wedding day is all about you," but when it comes to people you're paying, unless it's pretty specific in the contract, they're there to do what you want.

HisGirlFriday13 · February 2014

Erikan73 said:
We started a few minutes late, but that was because there was a traffic situation that delayed many of our guests that we decided to allow some time for. The president, VP and the Republican candicates were all in our town on the day of my wedding doing speeches. The president left his location & headed back to the airport around the same time and same route that many of my guests were planning to head out. None of this was known in advance because his departure time wasn't publized, only the start time of his event. So the freeway was closed while he headed back to the airport. But once the groom, groomsmen and our parents were there, we got started.

But it was (a) your decision to start late and (b) not your guests' fault they were late. That makes sense. If I were one of the other guests, I'd understand that.

phira · February 2014

@jnissa "I don't take photos of drunk people" WELP guess we won't have any reception photos!

"It's important to me to shoot you from angles where you don't look too big so that I have shots for my website" AHAHA look lady, not even my figure-flattering dress is gonna make me look small, so good luck there.

lschwar2 · February 2014

I agree that it isn't up to your officiant to tell you what time to put on your invitation, but I will say that I was at a wedding recently that started exactly on time. I was about 5 minutes late and joined a group of about 50 people who were standing outside the ceremony room (who were slightly late also) waiting for the wedding party to enter for the processional. After they finished entering, the group of late people all walked in and the ceremony had to be paused for everyone to find seats. I kept thinking, man if they started 10 minutes late they wouldn't have had this ridiculous interruption to their ceremony.

AprilH81 · February 2014

lschwar2 said:

I agree that it isn't up to your officiant to tell you what time to put on your invitation, but I will say that I was at a wedding recently that started exactly on time. I was about 5 minutes late and joined a group of about 50 people who were standing outside the ceremony room (who were slightly late also) waiting for the wedding party to enter for the processional. After they finished entering, the group of late people all walked in and the ceremony had to be paused for everyone to find seats. I kept thinking, man if they started 10 minutes late they wouldn't have had this ridiculous interruption to their ceremony.

But it wasn't their fault that everyone was late. You and the other guests were the rude ones by being late.

emmaaa · February 2014

I always get to weddings about 45 minutes to an hours early. That way I can read the program, chat with other guests, sit where I want, and see them seat the family and mothers because that is one of my favorite parts. It is up to the guests to know about start time and not your fault if they're late.

phira · February 2014

lschwar2 said:

I agree that it isn't up to your officiant to tell you what time to put on your invitation, but I will say that I was at a wedding recently that started exactly on time. I was about 5 minutes late and joined a group of about 50 people who were standing outside the ceremony room (who were slightly late also) waiting for the wedding party to enter for the processional. After they finished entering, the group of late people all walked in and the ceremony had to be paused for everyone to find seats. I kept thinking, man if they started 10 minutes late they wouldn't have had this ridiculous interruption to their ceremony.

Why were you and 50 other people late for the wedding?

kgd7357 · February 2014

30 minutes is really early it seems. We printed 5:30 on our invites, and we'll probably start at about 5:35 or 5:40. I figure to give the people who show up right at 5:30 in the parking lot time to get upstairs and grab a seat. If you are showing up 20 minutes after the start time on the invite, you are just rude. Cocktail hour starts at 6, so there is no way I'm waiting for stragglers any longer than 10 minutes.

Getting flack for doing the etiquette-approved thing

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