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**Update** Giving back the ring

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Re: **Update** Giving back the ring

  • phiraphira member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Honestly, while the kids thing is kind of a big deal, it sounds like you're just not sure you want to be in the relationship. The best and most important reason to end a relationship is that you don't want to be in it anymore.
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    <<<hugs>>>

    I'm so sorry you're going through this, but I think that going through counseling and figuring out if you're getting what you really want out of this relationship is the right thing to do before you marry this guy or have kids with him.
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  • clg1213clg1213 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    One of the issues with X was that he wanted kids and I was very on the fence, leaning toward no (we started both on the fence.   

    When I met FI, it didn't take long for me to WANT KID(S) NOW.  I think I didnt see X as a good parenting match, but I do see that in FI.  
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  • phiraphira member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    clg1213 said:
    One of the issues with X was that he wanted kids and I was very on the fence, leaning toward no (we started both on the fence.   

    When I met FI, it didn't take long for me to WANT KID(S) NOW.  I think I didnt see X as a good parenting match, but I do see that in FI.  
    This is actually a huge factor in why I went from "on the fence" to, "okay, we'll do this eventually."

    On my online dating profile, I had said that I didn't want kids (this was OKCupid, so it was one of the questions, and I answered no). The reason why was that I didn't trust that the majority of men I'd date would really expect to do 50%+ of the parenting. I wasn't going to say, "Yes" to kids until I felt confident that I was with a partner who wanted to have kids because he wanted to be a parent--for all the stuff, and not just for the fun stuff. I wanted a partner who wasn't going to assume that I'd be the one to stay home if we couldn't afford childcare. I wanted a partner who was going to look into parental leave (although most places of work don't offer parental leave for men, which I think is just unbelievably stupid and annoying).

    With previous boyfriends, I really felt like I was going to end up staying home and giving up my career (I'm in academic science right now, and will be for the foreseeable future, which is not a field that's very friendly to people who leave for long stretches of time). My current partner? He'd be a stay-at-home parent in a heartbeat. Even if he couldn't be one, he wouldn't assume that I'd do it. He wants to be a parent very badly because he wants to parent.

    Having a partner who wanted to be a parent in the way that I needed him to be really made the difference. Now, instead of viewing kids as the unfortunate inevitability of this particular relationship, I see having kids as something to look forward to, an adventure we'd be embarking on together.
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  • SammiNJonniSammiNJonni member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker 5 Love Its First Comment
    *HUGS*

    You are doing the right thing by breaking it off. Children are a major life decision and if you do not agree on it before marriage it will destroy the relationship in the long run. Yes it will hurt right now and you are grieving but you are doing what is best for you. 
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