Uncooperative Groom

juliet1035 · February 2014

I really need some perspective here ladies. I was engaged in September 2013 and our wedding is in September 2014. My FH has a little bit of social anxiety (which i have just recently started seeing/becoming aware of) and now 6 months away from the wedding is claiming that this is not what he wants. The wedding is large 200-250 and that is a bit more than what he had originally intended however My family is covering 60% of the finances and money is not the issue. I am running around like a crazy woman meeting with vendors, getting quotes, planning with my wedding coordinator, etc. The only meetings i have asked him to attend are the big ones, the venue location, the picking of the wedding planner, the photographer and the cake. He is mostly upset with the fact that when we got engaged he told me he had 4-5 groomsmen, so in turn I picked 5 bridesmaids. Now it turns out he has only asked 2 guys, he keep putting off speaking with the other 2 guys ( i am not sure why) and he wants to have one of his girlfriends as a groomsman (who just happens to be getting a divorce from her husband, who is the best man).

Anyways i am so frustrated because he is saying he is stressed when all i have asked him to do is the bare bones and pick his groomsmen. I don't ask him about other things because i know it "stresses" him. Have any of you experienced anything similar and if so what have you done to get on the same page?

AprilH81 · February 2014

How much is a "bit" more than originally planned? If he wanted a small wedding and it turned into a big one I can see why he is stressed (and not about money).

My H wasn't interested in all of the meetings but if I specifically asked him to attend something/do something he did it (eventually).

You need to sit down with him and see what he wants out of this. What is important to him? What is HIS vision for the day? Invites haven't been sent out so there is still time to cut the guest list as long as you didn't send everyone a STD.

If he only has two people standing up with him and you have 5 that is completely fine. No one will care and I doubt anyone will notice.

Jells2dot0 · February 2014

It's absolutely essential to be on the same page with this. That means that you may have to take a step back from what you are planning and re-evaluate. Just pull him aside for a heart to heart and rally get to understand why he is upset. It could be something seriously easy to overcome or it could be something really deep rooted and will take time to heal. However, the last thing you want to is go along with your plans without him on board. That just spells trouble for the marriage before you are even married! Again, communication is key.

pumpkinsandturkeys · February 2014

First and foremost, I would retract the "uncooperative" part of the title of this thread. Social anxiety is a real disorder and can be VERY stressful. To downplay it or act as though he has a choice in the matter isn't fair to him or the millions of other people who suffer from this to one degree or another.

I understand that it's frustrating for you, especially if you haven't experienced an anxiety disorder personally. What you need to understand is that all of the commotion surrounding the wedding -- you running around like a crazy woman -- is enough to stress him out. It's not that he's not trying to be supportive; his brain just isn't able to cope with all of this the way yours is.

Has he spoken with a doctor or therapist about his anxiety? If not, he needs to. You do also need to be respectful and listen to him when he says that he's not comfortable with a large wedding. You need to be open to sitting down and discussing it with him and determining if you can find common ground and compromise somehow, or if the wedding needs to be postponed until you can agree on something that makes both of you comfortable.

My brother suffers from an anxiety disorder and got married last year. They had originally planned a large wedding (150 - 200 people) because that's what my SIL wanted, and he wanted to make her happy. As they got further into the planning, he got more and more anxious about it. They ended up postponing because he realized that he had a major issue with having a large wedding and didn't think he could handle it, and she didn't want to force him into something that he wouldn't enjoy, and that may actually be detrimental to his psychological health. They ended up eloping 2 years later -- just them, a JOP, and a close friend as a witness. They did not have a big wedding, or even a reception to celebrate. However, it made both of them very happy, and they're still glad that they didn't proceed with the big wedding. Just something to think about.

juliet1035 · February 2014

Thanks ladies - i get frustrated because every time i feel we have a sit down we compromise and move forward but then he never follows up with anything on his end and we end up back at square one

I have asked him what he would like but he doesn't know what he wants

I guess it is just the flip flopping on his end that is starting to stress me out lol.

juliet1035 · February 2014

Thanks pumpkin - thats my other stress about this - he won't go see a doctor even though he tells me that is the issue.

I am not trying to downplay the situation at all and you are absolutely right i will never understand his perspective, but if that is the issue, i don't get why he won't go seek the help for it?

AprilH81 · February 2014

juliet1035 said:

Thanks ladies - i get frustrated because every time i feel we have a sit down we compromise and move forward but then he never follows up with anything on his end and we end up back at square one I have asked him what he would like but he doesn't know what he wants

I guess it is just the flip flopping on his end that is starting to stress me out lol.

Have you tried giving him options? Most guys don't know what they want in a wedding, especially the details but they do have opinions.

Example: FI, there are three centerpieces that I like, which one is your favorite? versus FI, what do you think we should have as centerpieces?

The first one would be much easier for most guys to respond to versus having to come up with something out of the blue.

If he isn't following through with things that you have both agreed on that is a bigger issue and you need to figure out WHY he isn't following through. Is it that he doesn't really WANT the compromise or is it that he thinks "Hey, the wedding isn't until September, I have plenty of time..."?

Again, sit down with him and TALK to him about why he isn't helping on things he agreed to help with.

pumpkinsandturkeys · February 2014

@juliet1035 -- He may not know what he wants because he's having a hard time sorting his feelings out about it. It can be very overwhelming to get a grasp on it all.

You need to keep pressing the doctor/therapy route -- going together would be a great option. I also think that you need to hold off on any wedding plans until you know for sure that this is what he wants (not just a big wedding, but a wedding at all). I'm not trying to scare you and say that he doesn't want to get married, but you should be prepared for any outcome, because something is definitely triggering his anxiety -- it may just be the number of people invited, or it may be the whole marriage thing.

Also note that men have a MUCH harder time admitting that they have a psychological issue that needs attention versus women. There's a bit of male pride that comes into play, because society teaches them that women are the 'emotional', 'hysterical' ones, and that men shouldn't have feelings. He's going to need to admit it fully to himself and be okay with that before he'll ever agree to admitting it to a professional.

Kauris · February 2014

Also, sometimes it is difficult to know what you want, but it's usually pretty easy to say what you don't want. For example, when I was dress shopping, the woman who I eventually bought my dress from didn't start with "What do you like?" She started with "What do you hate?" That allowed me to narrow down a lot quicker based on what I knew I didn't want.

Good luck!

laceybird · February 2014

juliet1035 said:

I am not trying to downplay the situation at all and you are absolutely right i will never understand his perspective, but if that is the issue, i don't get why he won't go seek the help for it?

Some men may see it as a sign of weakness to admit to having any sort of "psychological" or "anxiety" issue. They can have a tendency to be very stubborn when it comes to their well-being.

juliet1035 · February 2014

Thanks you guys bring some good points up! I really don't even question him on things because i fear it may be causing more stress but i ask him what he wants to be involved with so i don't push any triggers.

I am going to speak with him tonight and ask him what it is he hates about the process... i have a feeling that its not even the number of people but rather some of the responsibilities. At this point I have researched a therapist that we can both go to and hopefully learn how to communicate and work through this

Thank you all for your perspective and insight.

HaileyDancingbear · February 2014

I think only two groomsmen is fine- sides don't have to be even, and he should only ask as many people as he feels comfortable asking. Also, about the social anxiety- This is something I've been struggling with for a very long time. For a while it was so bad I would go months at a time without talking to anyone. It's getting better now, but if I had to list the one thing that scares me about a wedding, it's not the commitment, the responsibility of planning, or anything like that, it's having the spotlight on me. I know I'm going to be nervous as hell, I'm never the center of attention. At parties you'll always find me in the corner somewhere either talking to a few close friends I came with, or playing with the host's pets, if they have any. I wouldn't be surprised if your FI is having the same issues, it's really scary for someone with social anxiety to suddenly have all eyes on them! You're going to have to be patient with him, I can tell you from experience it's really hard to get past those feelings.

MobKaz · February 2014

@juliet1035, when you create the exact same post on more than one board, it is best to place "XP" just prior to the title in the heading.

SBmini · February 2014

On the groomsmen front I'm 100% on the same side as you. I asked all my bridesmaids back in May. He JUST asked his cousin to be his best man this week (look at the counter in my sig to realize how ridiculous that is!) He didn't even ask his first guy until four months before the big day. Then about three weeks ago he kept going on and on about how he shouldn't have asked his new friends to be in the wedding party and how he should have asked some of his old friends. I just cut him off and told him that he thought about it enough and he made his decision so he had to move on.

Men.

lizandmark2014 · February 2014

Just my 2 cents. My FI didn't like the pomp and circomestance of a 200 person wedding. He would have rathered a 25 people or less wedding at home/ a park. He is more a casual party type than a blow out type.

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