Engagement Party: What do I do when one of my maids didn't show up?

singinchick13 · January 2014

As a bride to a bridesmaid, there is nothing you can say to her. There will be other opportunities for her to meet other members of your wedding party. However, as a friend to another friend, you are entitled to tell her how you feel. Maybe just let her know that this 'important get-together' meant a lot to you and you were disappointed she couldn't attend after saying that she would. You need to be clear in understanding that you cannot expect this of her, but it would have been a nice gesture for her to even just show up for one drink on her way home. Perhaps you should also assess her maturity level if she chooses to go out late before working early the next morning and committing to an event afterwards. There is a good chance she may not understand how much it means for you to have your closest friends there and she likely did not think her absence would be a big deal at all.

freehugs015 · March 2014

I know I will get a lot of flack for saying this, but I am actually co-hosting my own engagement party. My friends and family are all really close, and I have had a lot of them come up to me and ask me when the engagement party is. No one actually offered to host one. My parents wanted to host one, but financially weren't able to, so I suggested I would pay for it, I didn't care, I wanted a celebration for one of the best and happiest times of my life since my wedding won't be for a year or two maybe more. They ended up splitting the cost with me half and half on the engagement party. And now we are planning it. As far as her bailing, I think you have come to the conclusion that I would have, I have 1 bridesmaid that won't be able to make it, and it is completely okay with me, sad, but okay. I am not asking for gifts, I am asking for a good time

I got my girls all together and went to a bridal show. It was so much fun and such a great bonding experience! then we all went to dinner with our significant others. I think it is silly for the bride to not be involved in the wedding parties, they are for HER. If the bridesmaids want to know her likes and dislikes, then she should be a part of the planning. I feel like etiquette for who is paying for what has completely gone out the window now a days, so...why hold everying else to such a high standard? again...I know im going to get beat up for this. But I thought i would relate to OP

JCbride2015 · March 2014

freehugs015 said:

I know I will get a lot of flack for saying this, but I am actually co-hosting my own engagement party. My friends and family are all really close, and I have had a lot of them come up to me and ask me when the engagement party is. No one actually offered to host one. My parents wanted to host one, but financially weren't able to, so I suggested I would pay for it, I didn't care, I wanted a celebration for one of the best and happiest times of my life since my wedding won't be for a year or two maybe more. They ended up splitting the cost with me half and half on the engagement party. And now we are planning it. As far as her bailing, I think you have come to the conclusion that I would have, I have 1 bridesmaid that won't be able to make it, and it is completely okay with me, sad, but okay. I am not asking for gifts, I am asking for a good time I got my girls all together and went to a bridal show. It was so much fun and such a great bonding experience! then we all went to dinner with our significant others. I think it is silly for the bride to not be involved in the wedding parties, they are for HER. If the bridesmaids want to know her likes and dislikes, then she should be a part of the planning. I feel like etiquette for who is paying for what has completely gone out the window now a days, so...why hold everying else to such a high standard? again...I know im going to get beat up for this. But I thought i would relate to OP

You are confusing tradition and etiquette. Tradition is who pays for what, wearing a white dress, father walks down the aisle with the bride etc. Etiquette means putting the comfort of one's guests first and being a good host.

So yes, hosting one's own e-party is not proper etiquette because you can't properly throw a party in your own honor. It is attention-seeking and awkward for guests (even if they don't say so). Tradition can be broken, but etiquette shouldn't.

I posted this story somewhere else too, but Fi and I actually did end up "co-hosting" our own e-party and I totally regret it. FPILs offered to host it, the whole thing turned into a clusterfuck, and they couldn't afford to feed everyone they had already verbally invited. So Fi and I chipped in a few hundred dollars to help pay the restaurant tab. Looking back, I wish I had just tried to refuse the party at the point that it started getting out of hand. But we were excited for the party, and FPILs were excited, and we wanted to help. I regret it now. The e-party just was not that important.

bmydesigner · March 2014

Looking back now, I've realized I was really just caught up in the heat of the moment and shouldn't have been so upset.

I also realize that I should not have called our gathering an engagement party, because it really wasn't. I guess I've never really been to one, so I had no idea who hosted and what was to be expected. I never expected gifts, and thankfully I didn't get any. I've learned from my etiquette breach, just hope that my friends have overlooked it!

I'm really thankful that I've chosen to come to these boards, because I have really learned a lot of useful information. So thanks ladies, and I am sorry about getting so mad and frustrated.

AddieCake · March 2014

I love that you took some time to cool off about it. Stick around, OP!

Engagement Party: What do I do when one of my maids didn't show up?

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