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Inviting Family Drama

We are having a very small ceremony, with just our parents & grandparents...But, we are having a reception/party at our new home where we plan to invite around 40 people.  Part of the reason I chose to have a small ceremony is because my family does not get along well with one another.  My parents have been divorced since I was 7, and are marginally civil to one another.  My mother has a serious temper, no tact, and little self control.  My older sister is an alcoholic and has, in the past few years, lived with myself, my mother, her ex-husband, her kids, and a few boyfriends.  Each time she moves, it is because she has reached the end of how much that person can help her, and it usually ends badly.  She lived with our mother for a couple of months, and then left on very bad terms.  The two of them are not speaking, and, after 3 months, still very angry.  Additionally, I have not heard from my sister or her children since the blow up with my mother.  I have no idea where she is living currently.  We are about to send out the invitations to our soiree and I have no idea what to do when it comes to my sister.  I have to have my mother there.  My fiancee's entire family, including his two sisters & their children, will be there.  Ideally, I could invite her, and she would not come, with a reasonable excuse.  However, if she does show up, an ugly white trash cat fight is entirely possible, between her & my mother.  I hate that I cannot trust my own family to behave for a couple of hours, but I REALLY don't.  But, I hate cutting my only sister out of such an important day.  I THINK it would really hurt her feelings, but that kind of depends on her mood too.  Any advice?

Re: Inviting Family Drama

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    We are having a very small ceremony, with just our parents & grandparents...But, we are having a reception/party at our new home where we plan to invite around 40 people.  Part of the reason I chose to have a small ceremony is because my family does not get along well with one another.  My parents have been divorced since I was 7, and are marginally civil to one another.  My mother has a serious temper, no tact, and little self control.  My older sister is an alcoholic and has, in the past few years, lived with myself, my mother, her ex-husband, her kids, and a few boyfriends.  Each time she moves, it is because she has reached the end of how much that person can help her, and it usually ends badly.  She lived with our mother for a couple of months, and then left on very bad terms.  The two of them are not speaking, and, after 3 months, still very angry.  Additionally, I have not heard from my sister or her children since the blow up with my mother.  I have no idea where she is living currently.  We are about to send out the invitations to our soiree and I have no idea what to do when it comes to my sister.  I have to have my mother there.  My fiancee's entire family, including his two sisters & their children, will be there.  Ideally, I could invite her, and she would not come, with a reasonable excuse.  However, if she does show up, an ugly white trash cat fight is entirely possible, between her & my mother.  I hate that I cannot trust my own family to behave for a couple of hours, but I REALLY don't.  But, I hate cutting my only sister out of such an important day.  I THINK it would really hurt her feelings, but that kind of depends on her mood too.  Any advice?
    Being related by DNA doesn't mean you automatically get invited to events when your prior bad behaviour has indicated you cannot be trusted.

    I would either round everyone up and tell them, 'I expect you all to behave for one day. I expect you to put aside your differences for one day. If you don't, it will seriously impact our relationship going forward.'

    OR, I would just not invite the person most likely to cause the drama, in this case your sister, and have done with it.

    If you follow through with your plan of having a ceremony and then a reception after, bear in mind ALL people invited to the ceremony MUST be invited to the reception, even if you think they can't be trusted.

    You don't have to have your mother there. You don't have to have your sister there. You have to have yourself and your FI. Anyone else is a bonus.

    I would ask yourself whom you're most likely to miss having there -- your mother or your sister -- and then not invite the other person. 
    Anniversary

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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
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    phiraphira member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I'm estranged from my dad, and my parents are bitterly divorced. We all behaved at my brother's wedding.
    Anniversary
    now with ~* INCREASED SASSINESS *~
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    I agree with @HisGirlFriday13. Choose what best suits you and your FI and what who you feel is most important. I had an unbelievable amount of drama at my first wedding due to divorced parents. I knew it would never be resolved to anyone's liking, so I eloped the second time around. Everyone lost out- except for me and DH.

     







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    Try talking to them both about it. See what they have to say and promise and hope for. If sister says "hey sis, you can invite me, but I'm not coming around that bitch" then you know. If mom says "if she shows up I'm going to give her a piece of my mind" then you know. Just try to talk to each of them and perhaps both of them together. Not about necessarily fixing things - about how you'd like them both there but to have no drama.
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    edited March 2014
    abbyj700 said:
    Try talking to them both about it. See what they have to say and promise and hope for. If sister says "hey sis, you can invite me, but I'm not coming around that bitch" then you know. If mom says "if she shows up I'm going to give her a piece of my mind" then you know. Just try to talk to each of them and perhaps both of them together. Not about necessarily fixing things - about how you'd like them both there but to have no drama.


    This is good advice, but this is also where noone can know the outcome but you. I sat both of my parents down WELL in advance of planning and we all agreed to boundaries and how things would be handled. I knew deep in my gut that something was going to happen, but I ignored it thinking they were adults. I should have listened to my gut. So, they can sit there until their blue in the face and say everything is fine, but only you can guage if they are believable.

    edit-spelling

     







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    Thanks for the advice!  I have spoken with my mother about it a couple of times.  She basically said that she didn't "care" if I invited her, and that she simply wouldn't speak to her.  That's not exactly comforting.  I feel like they would be making snarky comments to everyone around them about the other person and giving each other dirty looks until the situation exploded.  I'm afraid not having my sister there is probably the answer.  I just know she will see it as taking sides and further distance herself from me.  I'm just too scared of the scene they would make, turning the whole day into their showdown.
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    lc07lc07 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    If your FI was cool with it, I'd just elope.
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    Thanks for the advice!  I have spoken with my mother about it a couple of times.  She basically said that she didn't "care" if I invited her, and that she simply wouldn't speak to her.  That's not exactly comforting.  I feel like they would be making snarky comments to everyone around them about the other person and giving each other dirty looks until the situation exploded.  I'm afraid not having my sister there is probably the answer.  I just know she will see it as taking sides and further distance herself from me.  I'm just too scared of the scene they would make, turning the whole day into their showdown.
    First, I'm sorry you have to deal with all this shit at what should be a happy time for you.  I would consider having security on hand, no matter what, to deal with any family members who get out of line.

    I'd tell your mother, "I expect you to keep to your promise not to talk to Sis.  I also expect you to keep any comments you have about her, regardless of their nature, to yourself.  My wedding is not the time or place for you to discuss negative issues you have with anyone."

    If you have to not invite your sister, then I'm sorry, but I agree with you that you have to do what is best for you.
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