Dry wedding , vip afterparty

Bbk1211 · March 2014

Heres my issue our wedding has to be dry or we arent going to have almost half of my fi family show up so then he suggested we have a dry wedding with an after party that way we can choose people to give passes out to so that way we can keep track of everyone we are funding at the bar we are going to after wards how does one go about knowing who to give a pass to we cant quit put it on the invites cause it might upset his family ugh i know most of my family drinks so maybe make 2 different rsvp cards with a check box if you are comming to the after party i dont know what i am doing

freebread03 · March 2014

Wow, that is a really really long sentence and very hard to comprehend without punctuation or capitalization. But, I think you are proposing only inviting some people to the after party with "passes"? What is a "pass"? Do you mean separate invites? If so, doing so would be considered rude. If you want to have an after party, either invite everyone or spread the invite by word of mouth. There isn't a non-rude way to send separate invites to only part of your guests for the "after party".

Simply Fated · March 2014

I suggest leaving out the inserts and keeping the invites to word if mouth. They can tell you if they're going or not. If where you're going to is a bar, then all you need to do is set up a tab with the bartender.

Can you invite his family to the bar, too, or would that upset them? I mean, can you invite them and let them choose or is the thought of alcohol being there the problem?

HisGirlFriday13 · March 2014

Bbk1211 said:
Heres my issue our wedding has to be dry or we arent going to have almost half of my fi family show up so then he suggested we have a dry wedding with an after party that way we can choose people to give passes out to so that way we can keep track of everyone we are funding at the bar we are going to after wards how does one go about knowing who to give a pass to we cant quit put it on the invites cause it might upset his family ugh i know most of my family drinks so maybe make 2 different rsvp cards with a check box if you are comming to the after party i dont know what i am doing

What you are doing is having a tiered reception, and that is rude.

It's perfectly fine to have a dry reception, especially if you have it earlier in the day when alcohol is less expected.

You may not invite some people to an event that is immediately after a wedding-related event and exclude other people who were also invited to the wedding.

Have your ceremony, have a reception, leave the reception. Then, some time later (at least two hours), you can let it be known that you're going to be a X bar or wherever and people are welcome to join you for drinks you are hosting.

If you do have it at a bar, see about getting a private room where you can control who comes in and thus for whom you're buying alcohol.

If you want to have alcohol at your reception, you can do that, and your FI's family can choose to attend or not as they wish.

But please don't hand out passes or create alternate RSVP cards.

Bbk1211 · March 2014

The passes are mainly tags to keep track of people cause we are going to a public bar for the after party and we are using them to make sure the servers know that all their tabs are going to us. My issue is that if i invite everyone to the after party his family will be irrate about the thought of people drinking. I know its weird but i donno how many speeches i have gotten from his family about how it is a sin to drink.

AddieCake · March 2014

It concerns me that you are going to let comments from his family affect you and your plans. It is one thing to go with the dry wedding to appease them, but it is quite another to feel the need to keep your after party plans a secret from them. Are you going to spend the rest of your lives pretending not to drink when you apparently do?

Bbk1211 · March 2014

It was sort of the the plan we only drink here and there we aren't alcoholics we only see them on the holidays mostly and a few family get togethers when we have time with work so we considered there ignorance about our drinking is less we have to fight them about

Simply Fated · March 2014

Bbk1211 said:

The passes are mainly tags to keep track of people cause we are going to a public bar for the after party and we are using them to make sure the servers know that all their tabs are going to us. My issue is that if i invite everyone to the after party his family will be irrate about the thought of people drinking. I know its weird but i donno how many speeches i have gotten from his family about how it is a sin to drink.

It will actually be easier and save everyone a headache if you just point out your guests to the bartender. Or you and your groom can be the only ones who actually orders the drinks. Experienced bartenders are used to large crowds with one tab.
If anything, people might forget their passes at home. If you're deadset on using passes, then just hand them out AT the bar when they get there.

No matter HOW you invite people to the afterparty, his family runs the risk of finding out. People might talk about it at the reception, for instance. So no matter what, you run the risk of hearing one of their rants. Just look at them dead-on and say, "Thank you for your concern, but I will not be listening to this lecture anymore." And then walk away. Or turn it into a drinking game. Every time they use the word God, take a shot later. If they use the word evil or the devil, take a double shot.

banana468 · March 2014

AddieL73 said:
It concerns me that you are going to let comments from his family affect you and your plans. It is one thing to go with the dry wedding to appease them, but it is quite another to feel the need to keep your after party plans a secret from them. Are you going to spend the rest of your lives pretending not to drink when you apparently do?

To add to this I'd ask them how it's a sin to drink when Jesus turned water into wine for the Wedding at Cana.

Bbk1211 · March 2014

Simply Fated said:

Bbk1211 said:

The passes are mainly tags to keep track of people cause we are going to a public bar for the after party and we are using them to make sure the servers know that all their tabs are going to us. My issue is that if i invite everyone to the after party his family will be irrate about the thought of people drinking. I know its weird but i donno how many speeches i have gotten from his family about how it is a sin to drink.

It will actually be easier and save everyone a headache if you just point out your guests to the bartender. Or you and your groom can be the only ones who actually orders the drinks. Experienced bartenders are used to large crowds with one tab.
If anything, people might forget their passes at home. If you're deadset on using passes, then just hand them out AT the bar when they get there.

No matter HOW you invite people to the afterparty, his family runs the risk of finding out. People might talk about it at the reception, for instance. So no matter what, you run the risk of hearing one of their rants. Just look at them dead-on and say, "Thank you for your concern, but I will not be listening to this lecture anymore." And then walk away. Or turn it into a drinking game. Every time they use the word God, take a shot later. If they use the word evil or the devil, take a double shot.

this made my day better lol i actually considered this once but my fi told me to behave myself >.< whats worse is my fi keeps telling me the speeches he has gotten since he turned 21 they are some interesting but still failing in the debate that jesus turned water into wine all the bible says is that if you drink to the point of actual intoxication is it a real sin like say you are so drunk you cant tell the ground from the sky

HisGirlFriday13 · March 2014

If your FI is old enough to get married, he's old enough to tell his family he drinks and they can either like it or not.

If you're old enough to get married, you're old enough to have the courage of your convictions and have alcohol at you're wedding.

There is no way you're going to be able to keep this a secret from them, so you should own the decision up front. And they should be happy that you're respecting them enough to have a dry wedding, regardless if what you do after.

OliveOilsMom · March 2014

I think that you should buy some of those paper bracelets and hand them out at the bar as your guests arrive. If you want to limit the amount you spend, have one of the bartenders let you know when you are getting close to X dollars. At that point you and your new H should leave the after party as it would be rude to convert to your guests paying their own way.

MobKaz · March 2014

You also need to consider future events in your lives where your two families will be brought together. Are you going to let them dictate protocol at events that involve potential future children? No alcohol at baptisms, birthday parties.......

mbross3 · March 2014

Honestly it sounds like your FI is scared of getting in trouble with his family. He's a grown man old enough to get married, neither you nor he should be worried about whether his family will approve of him drinking. You are going to drive yourself crazy if you try to keep this a secret from his family forever. It just won't work and you will have to go out of your way every time you plan anything (as evidenced by your wedding plans). If Fi's family is paying for the wedding and they want it dry- that's one thing. If you and your FI are paying for it, do whatever you want and anyone so closed minded as your FILs can get over themselves.

ETA: I really hate when "religious" people take it upon themselves to judge the lives of others. That always strikes me as going against fundamental principles of most Christian faiths. People seem to conveniently forget that.

SP29 · March 2014

I'm not completely against this after party if you do it as a separate event. In which case, the "invite" should be mailed separate from your wedding invitation. It would be rude to invite some guests to an additional wedding party and not others.

But....

I think you will run into problems if you expect guests to bring a "pass" to show the server/bartender. What if people forget to bring or show their passes? A better option would be to reserve a private room, or at least an area of the bar where your guests will all sit- such as the upstairs of the bar- this shouldn't cost you extra money (the bar will be glad to have a large party come in!).

Also- there is a high chance that if you are inviting everyone besides FI's family, that someone will mention it at some point in the evening and his family will find out. Then you look doubly bad- because now not only are you drinking, but you've hidden this second party.

There is nothing wrong with a dry reception. There is also nothing wrong with a "wet" reception, being honest with FI's family (that this is how you choose to run your lives as adults) and letting them make the decision to come or not.

YourDogDontKnowSit · March 2014

How are they going to know if the wedding is dry or not in advanced to decide whether or not to show up? My BIL's family was adamant about not having alcohol at my sister and his wedding, but the day before her dad (my step dad) said "you know what? I'm paying for this and I want to have a drink at the party." He consulted my sister who also wanted alcohol even though she rarely drinks and was willing to submit to her future IL's harassment about it and went out and bought beer and wine that was served at the wedding. His family wasn't thrilled, but it wasn't their decision. It's not your in laws' call either - unless they happen to be paying for the wedding in which case it would be rude to go over their heads and plan a separate event that they're not invited to. Are you putting wet or dry wedding on your invites or something? Just tell them there won't be alcohol at the reception and if they want to leave when they get there and see people having a glass of wine, so be it.

AddieCake · March 2014

SP29 said:

Also- there is a high chance that if you are inviting everyone besides FI's family, that someone will mention it at some point in the evening and his family will find out. Then you look doubly bad- because now not only are you drinking, but you've hidden this second party.

This. Isn't someone likely to happen to say to one of his family members, "Wow, that cake was delicious, and this is a great DJ. Are you going to the after party later?"

I don't think you should lie, and I don't think you should make this part of your wedding (ie that you're hosting it for those who come). I feel like hosting it an only inviting certain people makes it a tiered event.

We had an after party. We just passed along that we would be going out later and that anyone who wanted to join us was welcome to meet us at X place. We did not host it for anyone and nobody was left out of being invited. And we didn't sneak around like teenagers hiding the Prom after party, either.

MairePoppy · March 2014

My real opinion is that you should serve whatever you like at your wedding. Seat the non-drinkers away from the bar so they don't have to witness the sinners getting their drinks. By the way, 'judging' is a sin, so they should avoid wagging their fingers at the drinkers.

You're going through an awful lot of trouble to satisfy some unreasonable people. If you want to compromise, hold off on the alcohol until after the meal. Let them know the bar will open after dinner. At that point they can stay and visit with each other or they can leave.

hyechica81 · March 2014

why a dry wedding i understand they dont drink but geeze they dont have to drink they can still come to the wedding and not drink, i would invite everyone to the after party let his family make there own decisions on if they go or not

CMGragain · March 2014

It is very rude for guests to criticize the refreshments served. This includes the presence of alcohol, or the lack of it.
At my late mother's wedding in 1970, they had two punch bowls - a Catholic punch (alcoholic) and a Protestant punch (non-alcoholic). My silly aunt drank the wrong punch and delivered a wonderful temperance sermon, standing on top of the table. "Lips that touch liquor shall never touch mine! I must ask Betty for this punch recipe. It is delicious!" We didn't have the heart to tell her. Of course, she claimed it never happened.

STARMOON44 · March 2014

Wrist bands or a password, ask the bartender what they prefer.

MollyandD · March 2014

I would think having a dry wedding is doing more than enough to appease his family. I would invite everyone to the after-party, and just let his side sulk. I actually am having an after-party, because we only have our venue until 9. Some family members have already said that they will likely call it a night after the reception, but I am still inviting them all. In truth, I know my grandma doesn't want to hang out and listen to punk rock music until midnight. But if she changes her mind, I'd be thrilled.

MrsAitch · March 2014

I'm having a hard time understanding your posts since there is no use of grammar whatsoever and honestly didn't bother to read the whole thread, but here's my two cents. It's my understanding that you are having a dry wedding, and then want to have some sort of after party which includes booze? My future in laws actually did this at their wedding, but they just let guests know by word of mouth at the wedding as though it was an impromptu decision--in their case it was pretty much friends their age that attended, and the party was in their basement. But you could also tell your guests "hey we're thinking of going to xx bar after the wedding if you'd like to join us!" and then, you could kindly buy everyone a couple rounds.

Maggie0829 · March 2014

So just the thought of alcohol pisses your FI family off? Well fuck them. You and your FI are both adults and you should sever whatever the hell you want at your wedding as long as the ILs aren't paying for it. FFS, grow the hell up and stand up to his family. Unless you really like being a doormat and hiding your sinner ways.

PrettyGirlLost · March 2014

Maggie0829 said:

So just the thought of alcohol pisses your FI family off? Well fuck them. You and your FI are both adults and you should sever whatever the hell you want at your wedding as long as the ILs aren't paying for it. FFS, grow the hell up and stand up to his family. Unless you really like being a doormat and hiding your sinner ways.

I really, really hate it when other people try to control my behavior by using the excuse that it offends their religious sensibilities. If I was a guest at your wedding I would be really pissed that I couldn't have a glass of wine or a cocktail because the Groom's family has such fundamentalist beliefs. . . beliefs that I do not share.

How does the rest of your family feel about this, OP?

I would not let your FILs religious beliefs force you into a dry reception just for the sake of appeasing them.

Inkdancer · March 2014

OP, I understand where you are coming from. There are a number of alcoholics in both FI's family and mine--my family reacts to that by wanting there to be no temptation available, and FI's family doesn't confront it and wants open bars at every wedding.

We have solved our issue by doing the following: we are having a dry, lunchtime reception. People don't tend to drink as much or expect to drink as much at lunch, so nobody is giving us much crap for it. The reception will be over by 3 pm.

That evening at about 8, we are going to be hanging out at a local empanada and margarita place. We are telling our friends that we will be there. This is being spread by word of mouth only. This isn't directly connected to the reception- everyone who comes to the reception will be hosted equally. The later evening party is a separate event entirely.

lkristenj · April 2014

My family doesn't drink. So, when we decided to have our reception at a brewery (with all-you-can-drink beer included in the rental) they were a bit concerned. They do not dictate what others do, or even look down on those who choose to drink. It's just their personal choice not to partake or support alcohol. My parents have generously offered to pay for our wedding. We had to have the venue split out the cost of the building from the cost of the beer (they split it down the middle) so that my dad would be comfortable paying for the reception. So, we have two contracts for the venue, one for beer, one for the room. It's not typical, but the brewery was willing to do that for us. It's fine that we will have beer there, but my dad felt very strongly and did not want his money to support it in any way. Luckily, my Fi's family (who drinks liberally) offered to pay the other half for the beer. We would have paid it ourselves otherwise. I think it was a good compromise. We will be having water, iced tea, lemonade, and (non-alcoholic) wedding punch for those who don't drink. The brewery also makes an awesome root beer that will be provided with the rest of their beer as well.

I have also thought about going out somewhere afterwards. Our reception is only 3 hours long and ends at 9 PM. It really depends on how tired we feel, but if we do decide to stay out, we'll just let people know that we'll be at such and such place after the reception ends to hang out and they could feel free to join us there if they want to do so. A friend did this after his reception and he and his wife went to the bar that his best man worked at. It was a slow night (during the summer in a college town), so we had the whole place to ourselves. They spent most of the night out on the patio smoking cigars, my friend with his new wife sitting in his lap in her dress. It was sweet.

Dry wedding , vip afterparty

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