Community› Wedding Discussion Boards› Wedding Etiquette Forum
Wedding Etiquette Forum
New Discussion

Handicapped Aunt not invited to rehersal dinner, would have to stay in hotel room alone during it

NeedanswersnowNeedanswersnow member
First Comment
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
My son is getting married and his Aunt who is also his godmother and she is also sister is handicapped and needs a ride to the wedding with me and my husband.

She was told that she is not invited to the rehersal dinner, being that the rules are no Aunts are invited to the dinner.

So wrong - I told the wedding couple that there are exceptions to every rule.

Being that his Aunt can't drive, or walk easily (she's mostly in a wheelchair) we think it's wrong that she would basically be stuck in the hotel room alone while we are at the dinner.

But they said the rule is "no aunts - no exceptions".  I think this is very wrong.  Not to mention she was like a second mother to my son and was part of most events in his life.

This is the same wedding couple that also threw out the ring bearer that was asked to be in the wedding six months ago and now he's out - which I also posted here.

Things keep getting worse.

Please let me know your thoughts on this.  This also puts me as mother of the groom in an awful awkward position.  Thanks 
Report Reply to Post
«1

Re: Handicapped Aunt not invited to rehersal dinner, would have to stay in hotel room alone during it

  • melbelleupmelbelleup member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment First Answer
    edited April 2014
    My son is getting married and his Aunt who is also his godmother and she is also sister is handicapped and needs a ride to the wedding with me and my husband.

    She was told that she is not invited to the rehersal dinner, being that the rules are no Aunts are invited to the dinner.

    So wrong - I told the wedding couple that there are exceptions to every rule.

    Being that his Aunt can't drive, or walk easily (she's mostly in a wheelchair) we think it's wrong that she would basically be stuck in the hotel room alone while we are at the dinner.

    But they said the rule is "no aunts - no exceptions".  I think this is very wrong.  Not to mention she was like a second mother to my son and was part of most events in his life.

    This is the same wedding couple that also threw out the ring bearer that was asked to be in the wedding six months ago and now he's out - which I also posted here.

    Things keep getting worse.

    Please let me know your thoughts on this.  This also puts me as mother of the groom in an awful awkward position.  Thanks 


    Stuck in box
    Who is paying for this rehearsal dinner? Honestly, it's up to that person. Whoever pays gets a say. The only people needed at a rehearsal dinner are people that are involved in the rehearsal. So, for us, it would be our readers, my bridesmaids and fiance's groomsmen. Technically parents and grandparents don't need to be invited to rehearsal dinners... extending out to an Aunt is definitely not needed. That being said, we're inviting one of my fiance's Aunt's to our rehearsal dinner solely because his parents are paying.
    Daisypath Wedding tickers
    Report Reply
  • KatWAGKatWAG member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its

    FWIW, I dont see the fact that Aunt is handicap relevant at all.

    And we had the same rule for our RD. Only Wedding party, parents, and grandparents were invited.

    BabyFruit Ticker
    Report Reply
  • phiraphira member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    If you're not hosting the rehearsal dinner, you can't make any demands about the guest list. You've asked, and you were told no.

    I understand that this aunt is handicapped, but I don't understand why that means she needs to be invited to the rehearsal dinner.
    Anniversary
    now with ~* INCREASED SASSINESS *~
    image
    Report Reply
  • MrsMack10612MrsMack10612 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer First Comment
    I can see both sides of the coin. 

    No one but the WP/SOs, parents etc have to be invited to the RD, but I can understand why a woman who traveled with M/FOG could be made the exception.  I think her being handicapped is relevant insomuch as if she is unable to get around on her own, it makes it more difficult to fend for herself.

    One option would be to decline attending the RD and take her out to dinner yourself.

    There is also a valid point to who is paying gets the say.  They are the ones that determine the guest list.

    On another note - I just read your ringbearer thread - I don't want to sound too harsh, but I would be ashamed if that were my child treating people that way.  Your son should be ashamed of himself.

     

    Report Reply
  • KatWAGKatWAG member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    EllieAugust said:
    I mean this in the nicest way possible…if I was your Future Daughter in Law, you would be irritating me and I would probably tell my fiancé to tell you to butt out!

    Unless you are paying for the RD, let them set the rules and treat both families fairly.  I would be more than annoyed if my FMIL thought that she was the exception.  And it would change how I felt and dealt with her in the future.  
    This! x1000. You are involving yourself in situations that dont involve you.
    BabyFruit Ticker
    Report Reply
  • CrazyCatLady3CrazyCatLady3 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment First Answer
    Maybe they have to be firm on not inviting aunts, because if they started inviting aunts and uncles to the RD, the guest list would become much larger than their budget for the RD can handle.  If they invite one it looks bad not inviting another.  As PPs said, is there no one else around who can take her to dinner?  Can she order room service and watch a movie in the hotel until you get back?
    Report Reply
  • MrsMack10612MrsMack10612 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer First Comment
    STARMOON44 said:
    Last I checked, it's most appropriate to treat people with disabilities as people just like any other people who sometimes need accommodations made for them. Aunt can have dinner in the hotel restaurant, order room service, have a pizza delivered, or make arrangements to visit with other relatives. Personally, I'd invite her. But for all you know if she's invited cousin a on the bride's side will throw a fit etc etc. I get that you are mad at your son, but a grown woman who can feed and bathe herself can spend an evening alone in a hotel room just fine.
    This is an excellent point that I hadn't thought of when I gave my answer. 

     

    Report Reply
  • jules3964jules3964 member
    First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    I understand you're upset his Aunt is handicapped and will be alone at the hotel, but I don't think what your son is doing is wrong. I'm sure they are saying "no exceptions" because if they allow one Aunt (even if it makes sense to do so), the other Aunts will feel left out and will want to attend. They are inviting in circles for whatever reason (money, space, etc), and it is their right to do so. You only have a say in this if you are paying for it.

    And I concur with PPs who point out that being handicapped does not mean she cannot function by herself for a few hours.
    Report Reply
  • KatWAGKatWAG member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    @needanwsersnow, why cant the Aunt eat alone or go out with another family member?
    BabyFruit Ticker
    Report Reply
  • phiraphira member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Like @hisgirlfriday13 pointed out, it's definitely clear that the couple is making a lot of missteps and upsetting people, and that this might feel like yet another slap in the face of their guests.

    But it sounds like a lot of the behavior that's frustrating you isn't really rude behavior from the couple. It just feels that way because of previous rude behavior. For example, we went to a wedding that was an etiquette disaster in many respects. My partner still complains about how the food wasn't good, and lots of people were frustrated that lots of traditional wedding things were skipped (no DJ, no dancing, no tosses). But those things weren't bad etiquette. They were just getting lumped in with all the etiquette mistakes ("Ugh, can you believe what they're doing NOW?!").

    So, consider this situation separate from the ring bearer situation (and other situations that may have come up). Is the situation ideally suited to your needs? No. But the couple is not being rude.
    Anniversary
    now with ~* INCREASED SASSINESS *~
    image
    Report Reply
  • vmj23vmj23 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer

    Personally, in that situation, I would invite the Aunt even if we weren't inviting other aunts, since she will be at the hotel anyway, regardless of handicap, only assuming no other guests will already be at the hotel.  But if there are multiple people staying the night before, ti woudl be difficult to invite her and not other's.   I don't think there is much you can do about it, other than maybe order room service for her, or make sure she'll be able to get dinner on her own (i'm not sure the extent of her disability?).  

    Report Reply
  • Amyzen83Amyzen83 member
    First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer First Anniversary
    On the one hand I get where you are concerned about the aunt having to fend for herself as an OOT guest, especially with a handicap, however, there could be other factors for this situation you are unaware of, ex: they had to invite brides crazy aunt to the wedding but they didn't want her at RD because they know they don't have to, and by not inviting any extended relatives who aren't bridal party, nobody can complain that bride and groom are playing favorites.

    Whatever their decision, it frankly doesn't matter nor is it your place to make it an issue. Like other PPs said, if you make a big deal out of this, you may be harming your relationship with not only your FDIL but your son too! I would see if aunt can make arrangements with other family members.
    Report Reply
  • MrsMarendeMrsMarende member
    5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    My two cents is that you offered to bring along the Aunt knowing that she was not invited to the RD and would need to be alone. 

    Now you are trying to have her invited, that to me is rather rude. If this woman lives alone on a regular basis than I think it is ok for her to stay alone while you are at the RD. 

    If it were me I would make an exception to include her, but I don't see anything wrong etiquette wise that they do not want to invite her. 
    Report Reply
  • hyechica81hyechica81 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment First Answer
    if you paid for the rehersal which traditionaly the grooms side pays then you have every right to invite her.  if not then you really dont have a say

    but if you are footing the bill for the party you tell him i am footing the bill i have a say in who can come and shes coming no ifs ands or buts if you dont you could threaten to not pay the bill but thats going a little to far
    Report Reply
  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    You only get a say in the rehearsal dinner guest list if you are hosting it, which is sounds like you are not.  Therefore, it is entirely up to whoever is hosting it who is invited.  If that's your son and FDIL, then I'm afraid that as badly as they're planning, you'll have to accept that the aunt is not invited.

    Also, and this is coming from a former employee of a non-profit dedicated to assisting the disabled, while I do agree that it's not especially considerate of her needs to leave the aunt to fend for herself, her handicap doesn't entitle her to an exception to the "no aunts" policy.  Why wouldn't it be possible for her to join other out-of-town guests who are not invited to the rehearsal dinner?
    Report Reply
  • NeedanswersnowNeedanswersnow member
    First Comment
    Thank you everyone for your messages - I just want to clarify that the couple is inviting a lot of people to the RD not just WP and parents, grandparents.  They are including friends and others not really close to them. It is a very large RD with many invites.

    I did offer to pay of part of the RD but they never took the offer.  Yes, the Aunt will be able to be in the hotel room alone during the RD - but my point is simply that being that she was like a second mother to my son, needs to ride with us on the day of the RD and that other's not close to the couple at all are invited will be there it just seemed like a poor decision.

    But by no means am I trying to be difficult - this is there decision, I just wanted to get some input.
       
    Report Reply
  • HisGirlFriday13HisGirlFriday13 member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    PrettyGirlLost said:
    Needanswersnow said:
    Thank you everyone for your messages - I just want to clarify that the couple is inviting a lot of people to the RD not just WP and parents, grandparents.  They are including friends and others not really close to them. It is a very large RD with many invites.  I think by virtue of the fact that they are inviting these people to the RD that they feel they are close to these friends.  Why do you think they are not?

    I did offer to pay of part of the RD but they never took the offer.  Yes, the Aunt will be able to be in the hotel room alone during the RD - but my point is simply that being that she was like a second mother to my son, needs to ride with us on the day of the RD and that other's not close to the couple at all are invited will be there it just seemed like a poor decision.  Does your son feel that his Aunt was a second mother to him, or are these your feelings?  Why don't you think the other people being invited to the RD aren't close to the couple?  What is the basis of this judgement?

    But by no means am I trying to be difficult - this is there decision, I just wanted to get some input.
       
    The more I read the more I get the sense that there are some important family dynamics at play that we are not privy to.
    Agreed. Very, very much agreed.
    Anniversary

    image
    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
    Report Reply
  • NeedanswersnowNeedanswersnow member
    First Comment
    To clarify, my son himself has always said over the years and recently also that he feels that his Aunt has been like a second mother to him.  Both of them have also told me personally that some people are invited to the RD that they are not close too but they are a friend or a friend of a member of the WP and coming from out of town.  I realize it is a little difficult to explain the entire dynamics of our situation on a message board and I agree that there are family dynamics playing out but I do appreciate all the input.

    Thanks 
    Report Reply
  • MrsMarendeMrsMarende member
    5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    Have you asked your son why he is opposed to inviting her? 
    Report Reply
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards