Padrinos/as

Danger+Zone · March 2014

Two questions.

1. Are padrinos and padrinas typically assigned or does the person offer to be one? I've asked my FI and, frankly, he said he has no idea. He doesn't identify with being his culture as much as the rest of his family does. FI's brother and his wife assigned people to pay for everything in their wedding. No asking, just made a list and said, "You pay for this, you pay for this, and you pay for this." FI knows because they ASSIGNED him to pay for their DJ. To the both of us, that's incredibly rude and not an option. We'd like to pay for most, if not all of the wedding ourselves.

2. Are padrinos/padrinas strictly for Christian weddings? I know the tradition originated so there would be sponsors during the ceremony for things like the lasso, the rings, the rosary, etc. but it's definitely evolved over time. As you can tell from my previous point, padrinos now apparently can pay for anything, but I'm still not sure if it's still a Christian thing to have them. We won't be having a Christian wedding at all.

We'd be happy with no padrinos, but some of FI's family has already asked about it or expressed interest. I think letting a Tia or two chip in for smaller things, if they offer, is okay, but I want to be clear and don't want to mislead any family members who may approach us about this.

Thanks in advance to anyone who has info on this.

kaos16 · March 2014

Danger+Zone said:

Two questions.

1. Are padrinos and padrinas typically assigned or does the person offer to be one? I've asked my FI and, frankly, he said he has no idea. He doesn't identify with being his culture as much as the rest of his family does. FI's brother and his wife assigned people to pay for everything in their wedding. No asking, just made a list and said, "You pay for this, you pay for this, and you pay for this." FI knows because they ASSIGNED him to pay for their DJ. To the both of us, that's incredibly rude and not an option. We'd like to pay for most, if not all of the wedding ourselves.

2. Are padrinos/padrinas strictly for Christian weddings? I know the tradition originated so there would be sponsors during the ceremony for things like the lasso, the rings, the rosary, etc. but it's definitely evolved over time. As you can tell from my previous point, padrinos now apparently can pay for anything, but I'm still not sure if it's still a Christian thing to have them. We won't be having a Christian wedding at all.

We'd be happy with no padrinos, but some of FI's family has already asked about it or expressed interest. I think letting a Tia or two chip in for smaller things, if they offer, is okay, but I want to be clear and don't want to mislead any family members who may approach us about this.

Thanks in advance to anyone who has info on this.

Perhaps you can give a little more background info. I have only heard of Padrinos once (on The Knot actually). What is the context in which you are referring to them?

wandajune6 · March 2014

I'm marrying into a Mexican Catholic family but am neither Mexican nor Catholic. I don't have a ton of experience with this but here's what I've picked up:

1. You don't ask anyone to pay for anything. That's mainstream but also his background. I would never consider asking anyone to pay anything for our wedding personally regardless. We have 2 padrinos at the moment though I've been warned that others may come out of the woodwork.

2. In some families, the couple's family may ask others to be padrinos. I've heard of this happening but have also heard that it's very rude. When it's happened, it's caused big issues.

3. We're having a non-denominational wedding and people are still offering.

So far, his mom/sister have offered to buy our cake together as padrinas. It's extraordinarily kind. We had an aunt express an interest in taking care of other desserts. From what I can tell, it's a very sweet way of helping -- they're taking expenses off of our plates instead of giving us something later. Sweet but definitely not something I'd ever ask for!

OliveOilsMom · March 2014

Since your FI has no idea about this particular tradition in his culture, then I think that you and FI should not do it and pay for your own wedding. For anyone who offers to do anything, thank them graciously, but say their assistance is not necessary.

ScoutF · March 2014

I agree completely with OliveOil. You and your FI need to pay for the wedding you can afford.

QueerFemme · March 2014

Danger+Zone said:

Two questions.

1. Are padrinos and padrinas typically assigned or does the person offer to be one? I've asked my FI and, frankly, he said he has no idea. He doesn't identify with being his culture as much as the rest of his family does. FI's brother and his wife assigned people to pay for everything in their wedding. No asking, just made a list and said, "You pay for this, you pay for this, and you pay for this." FI knows because they ASSIGNED him to pay for their DJ. To the both of us, that's incredibly rude and not an option. We'd like to pay for most, if not all of the wedding ourselves.

2. Are padrinos/padrinas strictly for Christian weddings? I know the tradition originated so there would be sponsors during the ceremony for things like the lasso, the rings, the rosary, etc. but it's definitely evolved over time. As you can tell from my previous point, padrinos now apparently can pay for anything, but I'm still not sure if it's still a Christian thing to have them. We won't be having a Christian wedding at all.

We'd be happy with no padrinos, but some of FI's family has already asked about it or expressed interest. I think letting a Tia or two chip in for smaller things, if they offer, is okay, but I want to be clear and don't want to mislead any family members who may approach us about this.

Thanks in advance to anyone who has info on this.

You might want to post this on the latin wedding board for more answers. In my partner's extended family, it is an HONOR for extended family members to pay for portions of the wedding. Usually, it's smaller things, like the cake, the favors, etc., but, those people ASK to "sponsor" a portion of the wedding. They are NEVER asked. And this goes for church/christian weddings, or not.

Danger+Zone · March 2014

For starters, I didn't ask if we should or shouldn't have padrinos. That's for us to decide. I asked 2 questions specifically about padrinos.

Wandajune -- It's a bit confusing, isn't it? Thanks for the information though. I think it's one of those older traditions that over time has evolved a lot. Some people may take it more seriously than others (or so I've been able to gather). Like you, I'm uncomfortable asking for anything. His brother/wife may have done it, but that won't be the route we're going. But, unlike Scout and OliveOil, I'm okay with accepting certain things as gifts, if and only if they offer. There are definitely things we really prefer to pay for on our own though. Frankly, that's mostly because A. it's our party, so we should be paying for it and B. I don't want anyone to try to use their money as leverage for their opinion, lol.

His father has 4 sisters though, all of whom I love and are some of the sweetest ladies. They've already mentioned being padrinas to FMIL. If his tias come to us and say, "We want to pay for your whatever." I feel like it would be pretty rude to say, "Thanks but no thanks" if it's a tradition that we're expected to follow. There is already heat over the fact that we want Christianity completely left out of our wedding. In some cases, refusing a gift or even something as small as a compliment is MORE rude than accepting it graciously. I agree with you on this one. Instead of buying something we don't need later, if they feel moved to help with the wedding, I think it's incredibly generous and thoughtful of them. They won't feel unappreciated, that's for sure.

Danger+Zone · March 2014

QueerFemme said:

Danger+Zone said:

Two questions.

1. Are padrinos and padrinas typically assigned or does the person offer to be one? I've asked my FI and, frankly, he said he has no idea. He doesn't identify with being his culture as much as the rest of his family does. FI's brother and his wife assigned people to pay for everything in their wedding. No asking, just made a list and said, "You pay for this, you pay for this, and you pay for this." FI knows because they ASSIGNED him to pay for their DJ. To the both of us, that's incredibly rude and not an option. We'd like to pay for most, if not all of the wedding ourselves.

2. Are padrinos/padrinas strictly for Christian weddings? I know the tradition originated so there would be sponsors during the ceremony for things like the lasso, the rings, the rosary, etc. but it's definitely evolved over time. As you can tell from my previous point, padrinos now apparently can pay for anything, but I'm still not sure if it's still a Christian thing to have them. We won't be having a Christian wedding at all.

We'd be happy with no padrinos, but some of FI's family has already asked about it or expressed interest. I think letting a Tia or two chip in for smaller things, if they offer, is okay, but I want to be clear and don't want to mislead any family members who may approach us about this.

Thanks in advance to anyone who has info on this.

You might want to post this on the latin wedding board for more answers. In my partner's extended family, it is an HONOR for extended family members to pay for portions of the wedding. Usually, it's smaller things, like the cake, the favors, etc., but, those people ASK to "sponsor" a portion of the wedding. They are NEVER asked. And this goes for church/christian weddings, or not.

Thanks so much for the info. I appreciate it! I looked for a multi-cultural wedding board of some sort, but didn't find it. I'll see if I can.

wandajune6 · March 2014

Danger+Zone said:

Wandajune -- It's a bit confusing, isn't it? Thanks for the information though. I think it's one of those older traditions that over time has evolved a lot. Some people may take it more seriously than others (or so I've been able to gather). Like you, I'm uncomfortable asking for anything. His brother/wife may have done it, but that won't be the route we're going. But, unlike Scout and OliveOil, I'm okay with accepting certain things as gifts, if and only if they offer. There are definitely things we really prefer to pay for on our own though. Frankly, that's mostly because A. it's our party, so we should be paying for it and B. I don't want anyone to try to use their money as leverage for their opinion, lol.

We probably would have said no to padrinos had I not been startled each time by the offer! It's the kindest offer but we can pay for our wedding without the help. For the cake, they paid for cakes for the 2 other brothers so it was important to do it for FI. That said, we know money is tight for them so FI made it clear that we're looking for inexpensive options. With the other, we just told them the max space/serving pieces/dishes we can allocate to desserts and told them to do what they like.

It's definitely a tricky situation. I've looked at the Latino wedding board before but it's pretty dead: http://forums.theknot.com/categories/cultural-wedding-boards_latino-weddings.

The way I look at it, just be as polite as possible. Never ask for money. If you're uncomfortable with an offer, thank them and decline- and bean dip if necessary.

I actually avoided a situation with a tia by chance- she was offering to be the padrina for my veil but I didn't understand her (my Spanish is mediocre). My FSIL/BM jumped in to respond, saving me from an awkward conversation. I love that girl!

wandajune6 · March 2014

You might want to post this on the latin wedding board for more answers. In my partner's extended family, it is an HONOR for extended family members to pay for portions of the wedding. Usually, it's smaller things, like the cake, the favors, etc., but, those people ASK to "sponsor" a portion of the wedding. They are NEVER asked. And this goes for church/christian weddings, or not.

@QueerFemme- thanks for clarifying that! We've been trying to navigate how much is being offered to us out of desire v. duty. One of his brothers requested padrinos for his wedding (much to the horror of the family) and many of the same relatives offered for the other brother. We're worried that some of the offers are out of duty rather than desire. I'm so caught up in not being a burden that I hope I didn't make any mistakes with this.

QueerFemme · March 2014

it is a tricky situation. It's also tricky, because often, people offer to be padrinos/as and then, they expect some input in the decision. Like, I know someone that had an uncle that offered to be the padrino for their cake, which of course, they graciously accepted, because it's considered ungrateful not to, but then, the uncle only wanted to use one particular bakery where they know someone. They ended up with an ugly cake that was a little bit tilted.

So, what I WOULD do, is if someone offered to be the padrino/a for a particular item. I would immediately graciously accept, but say something like "We already have that picked out and the vendor selected for that. thank you so much for offering" Make it clear that you have your vendors lined up (even if you don't).

HisGirlFriday13 · April 2014

The little bit I know about this from what I see in my own Hispanic/Latino church is that people OFFER.

I think it's fine if you want to have padrinos/as, and I do understand that culturally it's an honour, but I'm going to say that regardless of culture you cannot assign people to pay for things for your wedding.

Taking the cultural aspect out of it; it used to be 'tradition' for the groom's family to pay for the RD. We tell brides all the time that you can't invoice a family for something you think they should pay for.

I'd assume the same information extrapolates to this situation.

Danger+Zone · April 2014

Thanks, QueerFemme, you've been super helpful! If my FI's family wants to be padrinos/padrinas, and especially if it's considered an honor, then I'd love to have them be involved. I am a little bit afraid of the money = input/opinion thing, but I think handling it the way you suggested is best. Wish me luck, haha.

netskyblue2 · April 2014

I have no clue what this refers to, padrino/padrina means godfather/godmother, doesn't it??

QueerFemme · April 2014

netskyblue2 said:

I have no clue what this refers to, padrino/padrina means godfather/godmother, doesn't it??

It does mean godfather/mother. But, it can also mean "sponsor/patron". So, in this context, it is someone that sponsors a certain aspect of the wedding. In latin families, in my experience, they are very close. And it isn't just ONE person that is your godfather, the whole family is basically helping to raise you. So, Uncles and Aunts think of it as an honor to sponsor a certain aspect of your wedding, to help send you off into adulthood (so to speak).

[Deleted User] · April 2014

FI and his family have been padrinos but I don't know if they asked or were asked. I know FI was the padrino of invitations. I guess it's more of a "I'd love to help, what can I help with?" and they gave him that.

I know when we announced, two of his cousins asked FI for his bank account number to deposit money to help and FI said that was very nice but unnecessary. Also if you have padrinos, then you most likely have to receive input on what the padrinos want or don't want in the wedding.

[Deleted User] · April 2014

Danger+Zone said:

Two questions.

1. Are padrinos and padrinas typically assigned or does the person offer to be one? I've asked my FI and, frankly, he said he has no idea. He doesn't identify with being his culture as much as the rest of his family does. FI's brother and his wife assigned people to pay for everything in their wedding. No asking, just made a list and said, "You pay for this, you pay for this, and you pay for this." FI knows because they ASSIGNED him to pay for their DJ. To the both of us, that's incredibly rude and not an option. We'd like to pay for most, if not all of the wedding ourselves.

2. Are padrinos/padrinas strictly for Christian weddings? I know the tradition originated so there would be sponsors during the ceremony for things like the lasso, the rings, the rosary, etc. but it's definitely evolved over time. As you can tell from my previous point, padrinos now apparently can pay for anything, but I'm still not sure if it's still a Christian thing to have them. We won't be having a Christian wedding at all.

We'd be happy with no padrinos, but some of FI's family has already asked about it or expressed interest. I think letting a Tia or two chip in for smaller things, if they offer, is okay, but I want to be clear and don't want to mislead any family members who may approach us about this.

Thanks in advance to anyone who has info on this.

Padrino means godfather. It's meant to tie in religiously. If you are not having a Catholic ceremony (don't know if other faiths do something similar), then you do not have a padrino. They are supposed to guide you in the sacrament of marriage and can include carrying the lasso, arras, rosary, bible, etc. It's an honor. Anything outside of that is not a padrino, no matter how much it's evolved; it's a sponsor. And asking someone to sponsor your wedding is rude.

Edit: Since some tias have offered, I'd let them know that it's unnecessary. If they still insist because they want to be part of the event, I'd see what they come up with and go with that. FMIL says it's tradition to have little satchels of rice to signify good luck. I was not into it because tossing rice is not allowed but she made these little bags with a ribbon and some glass angel blah blah blah and was really excited about it so whatever.

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