What do you think I am, dumb or something?

Re: What do you think I am, dumb or something?

• [Deleted User] member

  

  April 2014

  That's no fun. Is she usually a neurotic friend? Is she sending group texts? No matter how often you tell someone the time, place, address, etc., there is always that person who doesn't remember, didn't read the text, never got it. It sort of sucks but maybe she honestly doesn't know that those things are rude. I know that's not an excuse but I had no idea before I came on these boards. Maybe because she'd be one of the first to jump in and help, she expects people to do the same.
  
  Anyway, drink some wine and "enjoy"
  

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• Rebl90 member

  

  April 2014

  JMVA2014 said:

  That's no fun. Is she usually a neurotic friend? Is she sending group texts? No matter how often you tell someone the time, place, address, etc., there is always that person who doesn't remember, didn't read the text, never got it. It sort of sucks but maybe she honestly doesn't know that those things are rude. I know that's not an excuse but I had no idea before I came on these boards. Maybe because she'd be one of the first to jump in and help, she expects people to do the same.
  
  Anyway, drink some wine and "enjoy"
  

  To your first question,we were still barely becoming friends when she asked me to be a BM, and for the first 6 mos of planning she seemed to be normal - thoughtful, happy, etc. We became so close, and then FI proposed and I asked her to be a BM because I considered her to be one of my closest friends.  She was so excited when I asked her, and then in the months following it has seemed like she's been trying to compare weddings and has even used the phrase, "well since your wedding will be nicer than ours...".  (It's not "nicer", it's different, and that's all because of personal preferences/choices).

  
  

  Some texts are personal, others are group, but the majority of BMs are not involved with the planning/prep because she chose them to make sides even and everyone knows (they're her FI's family members and about 10+ years older than us).  I'm sure she is desperate for fun times with her bridesmaids, but if there's anything I've learned on here, it's that you can't force your friends to be as excited as you are for your own wedding. The ironic part is that I have been excited and overly helpful from the beginning, but she keeps pushing these things more and more so I feel like pulling back. 

  
  

  I think it comes down to attitude. Despite how sweet she is, she has gotten caught up in the "I'm a bride and I'm so special!" entitlement, which I blame on our society and the media.  However, with < 70 days to go until my own wedding, I am the exact opposite. 

  
  

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• Jen4948 member

  

  April 2014 edited April 2014

  Maybe you need to speak up to her: "Friend, I've been trying to be enthusiastic for you about your wedding, but unfortunately, I am no longer willing to have your wedding compared to mine unfavorably; nor do I have the time, energy, or resources for X, Y, and Z.  If you need these, I'm sorry, but I am not the person to approach.  Either seek them from another source or do without.  Whatever you decide to do, please consider me unavailable and consider this a closed subject."
  

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• Rebl90 member

  

  April 2014

  Jen4948 said:

  Maybe you need to speak up to her: "Friend, I've been trying to be enthusiastic for you about your wedding, but unfortunately, I am no longer willing to have your wedding compared to mine unfavorably; nor do I have the time, energy, or resources for X, Y, and Z.  If you need these, I'm sorry, but I am not the person to approach.  Either seek them from another source or do without.  Whatever you decide to do, please consider me unavailable and consider this a closed subject."
  

  I have put my foot down a few times. Her bachelorette weekend is smack dab in the middle of finals week, and there was no discussing dates ahead of time, just a text saying "were going to X for 3 days in 3 weeks and it will cost $XYZ".  So I grew a backbone and said, "Unfortunately I did not budget that much as no one mentioned ahead of time that it would be an entire trip, and the weekend is the same as my finals. My academic career comes first and I am not able to sacrifice time and put it at risk". Same thing as with tomorrow, I told her I could maybe do 2 hours, but I'm busy preparing final projects which are due at the end of next week and the following week.

  
  

  I'm just a little afraid to say something about the comparison issue as it seems to be a sore subject with her. We're all young and some of the first to get married, and they chose to spend most of their money on purchasing a house, so they have less to spend on the wedding. That is what they choose to do with their money.  Most of our friends (including her) are assuming that my parents are footing the bill for our wedding because they have the money, but in reality the money was left for this purpose when my grandparents passed away.  I think I will take your advice though and say something if she tries to make more comparisons since it really hurt me that a friend would do that. (And for heaven's sake, it's not like we're having a luxury wedding - our budget was still under $10,000!)

  
  

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• Jen4948 member

  

  April 2014

  Rebl90 said:

  Jen4948 said:

  Maybe you need to speak up to her: "Friend, I've been trying to be enthusiastic for you about your wedding, but unfortunately, I am no longer willing to have your wedding compared to mine unfavorably; nor do I have the time, energy, or resources for X, Y, and Z.  If you need these, I'm sorry, but I am not the person to approach.  Either seek them from another source or do without.  Whatever you decide to do, please consider me unavailable and consider this a closed subject."
  

  I have put my foot down a few times. Her bachelorette weekend is smack dab in the middle of finals week, and there was no discussing dates ahead of time, just a text saying "were going to X for 3 days in 3 weeks and it will cost $XYZ".  So I grew a backbone and said, "Unfortunately I did not budget that much as no one mentioned ahead of time that it would be an entire trip, and the weekend is the same as my finals. My academic career comes first and I am not able to sacrifice time and put it at risk". Same thing as with tomorrow, I told her I could maybe do 2 hours, but I'm busy preparing final projects which are due at the end of next week and the following week.

  
  

  I'm just a little afraid to say something about the comparison issue as it seems to be a sore subject with her. We're all young and some of the first to get married, and they chose to spend most of their money on purchasing a house, so they have less to spend on the wedding. That is what they choose to do with their money.  Most of our friends (including her) are assuming that my parents are footing the bill for our wedding because they have the money, but in reality the money was left for this purpose when my grandparents passed away.  I think I will take your advice though and say something if she tries to make more comparisons since it really hurt me that a friend would do that. (And for heaven's sake, it's not like we're having a luxury wedding - our budget was still under $10,000!)

  As long as you don't say anything about the comparison issue, she will continue to do it.  Unfortunately, she is assuming that your silence on the matter implies consent, and I think she's too obtuse to pick up on any subtle indications that it's not okay.  With someone like her, you'll need to be blunt.
  

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• Rebl90 member

  

  April 2014

  Jen4948 said:

  Rebl90 said:

  Jen4948 said:

  Maybe you need to speak up to her: "Friend, I've been trying to be enthusiastic for you about your wedding, but unfortunately, I am no longer willing to have your wedding compared to mine unfavorably; nor do I have the time, energy, or resources for X, Y, and Z.  If you need these, I'm sorry, but I am not the person to approach.  Either seek them from another source or do without.  Whatever you decide to do, please consider me unavailable and consider this a closed subject."
  

  I have put my foot down a few times. Her bachelorette weekend is smack dab in the middle of finals week, and there was no discussing dates ahead of time, just a text saying "were going to X for 3 days in 3 weeks and it will cost $XYZ".  So I grew a backbone and said, "Unfortunately I did not budget that much as no one mentioned ahead of time that it would be an entire trip, and the weekend is the same as my finals. My academic career comes first and I am not able to sacrifice time and put it at risk". Same thing as with tomorrow, I told her I could maybe do 2 hours, but I'm busy preparing final projects which are due at the end of next week and the following week.

  
  

  I'm just a little afraid to say something about the comparison issue as it seems to be a sore subject with her. We're all young and some of the first to get married, and they chose to spend most of their money on purchasing a house, so they have less to spend on the wedding. That is what they choose to do with their money.  Most of our friends (including her) are assuming that my parents are footing the bill for our wedding because they have the money, but in reality the money was left for this purpose when my grandparents passed away.  I think I will take your advice though and say something if she tries to make more comparisons since it really hurt me that a friend would do that. (And for heaven's sake, it's not like we're having a luxury wedding - our budget was still under $10,000!)

  As long as you don't say anything about the comparison issue, she will continue to do it.  Unfortunately, she is assuming that your silence on the matter implies consent, and I think she's too obtuse to pick up on any subtle indications that it's not okay.  With someone like her, you'll need to be blunt.
  

  I definitely agree with you about the hints and her not grasping them.  I just don't feel like bringing it up out of the blue when it's be a couple of months since the last time she said something and would prefer to handle it if/when it comes up again, you know? 

  
  

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• Jen4948 member

  

  April 2014

  Rebl90 said:

  Jen4948 said:

  Rebl90 said:

  Jen4948 said:

  Maybe you need to speak up to her: "Friend, I've been trying to be enthusiastic for you about your wedding, but unfortunately, I am no longer willing to have your wedding compared to mine unfavorably; nor do I have the time, energy, or resources for X, Y, and Z.  If you need these, I'm sorry, but I am not the person to approach.  Either seek them from another source or do without.  Whatever you decide to do, please consider me unavailable and consider this a closed subject."
  

  I have put my foot down a few times. Her bachelorette weekend is smack dab in the middle of finals week, and there was no discussing dates ahead of time, just a text saying "were going to X for 3 days in 3 weeks and it will cost $XYZ".  So I grew a backbone and said, "Unfortunately I did not budget that much as no one mentioned ahead of time that it would be an entire trip, and the weekend is the same as my finals. My academic career comes first and I am not able to sacrifice time and put it at risk". Same thing as with tomorrow, I told her I could maybe do 2 hours, but I'm busy preparing final projects which are due at the end of next week and the following week.

  
  

  I'm just a little afraid to say something about the comparison issue as it seems to be a sore subject with her. We're all young and some of the first to get married, and they chose to spend most of their money on purchasing a house, so they have less to spend on the wedding. That is what they choose to do with their money.  Most of our friends (including her) are assuming that my parents are footing the bill for our wedding because they have the money, but in reality the money was left for this purpose when my grandparents passed away.  I think I will take your advice though and say something if she tries to make more comparisons since it really hurt me that a friend would do that. (And for heaven's sake, it's not like we're having a luxury wedding - our budget was still under $10,000!)

  As long as you don't say anything about the comparison issue, she will continue to do it.  Unfortunately, she is assuming that your silence on the matter implies consent, and I think she's too obtuse to pick up on any subtle indications that it's not okay.  With someone like her, you'll need to be blunt.
  

  I definitely agree with you about the hints and her not grasping them.  I just don't feel like bringing it up out of the blue when it's be a couple of months since the last time she said something and would prefer to handle it if/when it comes up again, you know? 

  Oh sure.  Definitely do it the next time she tries it, but be very clear that she needs to cease and desist.
  

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• Rebl90 member

  

  April 2014

  Thanks! I'm normally really non-confrontational but as I get older I'm realizing that it's just not okay to let people say whatever they want to you or expect you to always cater to their needs!

  
  

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• abbyj700 member

  

  April 2014

  If you're non-confrontational - I say just don't discuss your wedding with her. How could she compare it if you don't share the details? Just because she's a friend, and in the wedding doesn't mean that you have to share every detail, budget or whatever. Save yourself the grief - keep your planning private and bean dip any time she brings it up.

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• Rebl90 member

  

  April 2014 edited April 2014

  abbyj700 said:

  If you're non-confrontational - I say just don't discuss your wedding with her. How could she compare it if you don't share the details? Just because she's a friend, and in the wedding doesn't mean that you have to share every detail, budget or whatever. Save yourself the grief - keep your planning private and bean dip any time she brings it up.

  The only "details" I've shared with her are what she is wearing (her choice in her budget) and what her FI is wearing as a GM (he told her I suppose). She knows what the venue looks like because of wedding website that lists the directions.  I'm not sure where you got the idea that I "share every detail, budget, or whatever".  I have never brought up the wedding with her for that specific reason (outside of asking her budget for a BM dress). She offers her opinions based on the sparse facts that she knows. The only people who know details are my parents (paying), my FI and my DOC. No other person knows our budget, decor, menu, DJ, etc.  I have kept my planning extremely private and do not bring it up around her.

  
  

  Edited: Brain is fried

  
  

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