Various Questions...

helpmeimpoor · April 2014

Sorry. I have a lot of questions that randomly pop into my head.

Do we HAVE to make a registry? I really would prefer not to...I don't like registries in general.

Do we HAVE to send out STD's? The wedding is in September and while I had them designed myself I definitely slacked on getting them printed.

My FMIL has essentially told me we are doing a dollar dance and a "money tree" while I have no problem with a dollar dance, the money tree strikes me as rude. Especially since we're doing a dollar dance. I brought it up to FI and he was not concerned, because it's "normal" to his family or maybe the area. I don't want to tell FMIL I think it's rude because I don't want to offend.

Any input would be lovely.

Sugargirl1019 · April 2014

No.

No.

And say thank you for your input, and then bean dip her. Don't let her give input to the DJ/band.

Cookie Pusher · April 2014

helpmeimpoor said:

Sorry. I have a lot of questions that randomly pop into my head.

Do we HAVE to make a registry? I really would prefer not to...I don't like registries in general. Nope. I am not registering because there is nothing I need or want to upgrade at this time. We have limited space where we live and I do not want to have to rent a storage unit just to store gifts.

Do we HAVE to send out STD's? The wedding is in September and while I had them designed myself I definitely slacked on getting them printed. No. Save the Dates are a relatively new convention and are not mandatory. However, if you do send someone a STD, you must send them an invitation.

My FMIL has essentially told me we are doing a dollar dance and a "money tree" while I have no problem with a dollar dance, the money tree strikes me as rude. Especially since we're doing a dollar dance. I brought it up to FI and he was not concerned, because it's "normal" to his family or maybe the area. I don't want to tell FMIL I think it's rude because I don't want to offend. Have you tried telling her that you are not comfortable with asking your guests for additional money on top of the expense of them coming to your wedding and most likely giving you a gift? You should discuss this with FI so he understands why you are uncomfortable with the idea and can be on the same page when discussing this with FMIL. If talking to FI doesn't work, I agree with PP that you should bean dip and subvert if necessary.

Any input would be lovely.

huskypuppy14 · April 2014

No

Hell to the no!

helpmeimpoor · April 2014

Cookie Pusher said:

helpmeimpoor said:

Sorry. I have a lot of questions that randomly pop into my head.

Do we HAVE to make a registry? I really would prefer not to...I don't like registries in general. Nope. I am not registering because there is nothing I need or want to upgrade at this time. We have limited space where we live and I do not want to have to rent a storage unit just to store gifts.

Do we HAVE to send out STD's? The wedding is in September and while I had them designed myself I definitely slacked on getting them printed. No. Save the Dates are a relatively new convention and are not mandatory. However, if you do send someone a STD, you must send them an invitation.

My FMIL has essentially told me we are doing a dollar dance and a "money tree" while I have no problem with a dollar dance, the money tree strikes me as rude. Especially since we're doing a dollar dance. I brought it up to FI and he was not concerned, because it's "normal" to his family or maybe the area. I don't want to tell FMIL I think it's rude because I don't want to offend. Have you tried telling her that you are not comfortable with asking your guests for additional money on top of the expense of them coming to your wedding and most likely giving you a gift? You should discuss this with FI so he understands why you are uncomfortable with the idea and can be on the same page when discussing this with FMIL.

Any input would be lovely.

When she brought it up my instant response was "no, I think that's rude" but she just kind of shrugged it off, saying things along the lines of "everyone does it in our family" and talking about how much money she got on her money tree. It's not just his side of the family that's coming though... ugh. We're not going to do it, it's just going to be very awkward asserting myself with her.

helpmeimpoor · April 2014

Oh and really any etiquette I try to bring up with FI he just has no cares to give. I almost feel as if they think I'm a snob by mentioning things like this.

ETA: not that he's some terrible, he's just content with what he's seen from weddings he's been to.

Cookie Pusher · April 2014

helpmeimpoor said:
When she brought it up my instant response was "no, I think that's rude" but she just kind of shrugged it off, saying things along the lines of "everyone does it in our family" and talking about how much money she got on her money tree. It's not just his side of the family that's coming though... ugh. We're not going to do it, it's just going to be very awkward asserting myself with her.

Even if FI doesn't care either way, he should support your decision. He needs to understand that it is important to you to host your wedding properly. And to the bolded, yes, it might be difficult but you have to draw the line with her somewhere or else she will think she can always get her way and you will acquiesce to her demands if she pushes hard enough.

singinchick13 · April 2014

Just let your FI know it's important to you not to impose on your guests, so if he could please kindly let his mother know that this is not up for discussion you would really appreciate it. Don't worry about having to confront her when you disagree; she's his mother, it's his job to stand up for the two of you when it comes to his own family.

JellyBean52513 · April 2014

Try saying to her: "I understand it might be normal in your family, but it definitely isn't normal in mine, and I really don't feel comfortable doing anything that involves asking for cash from our guests."

If necessary, lie a little bit and say "The last wedding I went to with family, they did these things and sooo many people talked about how rude and tacky it was afterwards. I know none of my family members feel that way about you guys, and I don't want to do anything to change that!"

grumbledore · April 2014

helpmeimpoor said:

Sorry. I have a lot of questions that randomly pop into my head.

Do we HAVE to make a registry? I really would prefer not to...I don't like registries in general.

Do we HAVE to send out STD's? The wedding is in September and while I had them designed myself I definitely slacked on getting them printed.

My FMIL has essentially told me we are doing a dollar dance and a "money tree" while I have no problem with a dollar dance, the money tree strikes me as rude. Especially since we're doing a dollar dance. I brought it up to FI and he was not concerned, because it's "normal" to his family or maybe the area. I don't want to tell FMIL I think it's rude because I don't want to offend.

Any input would be lovely.

No.

You shouldn't do any of these things, even if your name is @helpmeimpoor.

CMGragain · April 2014

grumbledore said:

helpmeimpoor said:

Sorry. I have a lot of questions that randomly pop into my head.

Do we HAVE to make a registry? I really would prefer not to...I don't like registries in general.

Do we HAVE to send out STD's? The wedding is in September and while I had them designed myself I definitely slacked on getting them printed.

My FMIL has essentially told me we are doing a dollar dance and a "money tree" while I have no problem with a dollar dance, the money tree strikes me as rude. Especially since we're doing a dollar dance. I brought it up to FI and he was not concerned, because it's "normal" to his family or maybe the area. I don't want to tell FMIL I think it's rude because I don't want to offend.

Any input would be lovely.

No.

No.

You shouldn't do any of these things, even if your name is @helpmeimpoor.

I did tell you that you should change your screen name!

helpmeimpoor · April 2014

CMGragain said:

grumbledore said:

helpmeimpoor said:

Sorry. I have a lot of questions that randomly pop into my head.

Do we HAVE to make a registry? I really would prefer not to...I don't like registries in general.

Do we HAVE to send out STD's? The wedding is in September and while I had them designed myself I definitely slacked on getting them printed.

My FMIL has essentially told me we are doing a dollar dance and a "money tree" while I have no problem with a dollar dance, the money tree strikes me as rude. Especially since we're doing a dollar dance. I brought it up to FI and he was not concerned, because it's "normal" to his family or maybe the area. I don't want to tell FMIL I think it's rude because I don't want to offend.

Any input would be lovely.

No.

No.

You shouldn't do any of these things, even if your name is @helpmeimpoor.

I did tell you that you should change your screen name!

Yes, yes...I realized not everyone would get it but unfortunately I don't think I can change it.

doeydo · April 2014

A money dance and a money tree are both terribly rude. It is inappropriate and rude to ask for money, ever.

ShallowSeas · April 2014

It would be pointless to send out STDs at this point because if your wedding is in September, you'll probably be sending out wedding invitations in 2-2.5 months.

DaisyMaeMommy · April 2014

No.

Definitely no... My Mom wants me to have a dollar dance. I told her I'll elope if she brings it up again.

melbenso · April 2014

Regarding the money tree: If everyone does it in her family, her family members who intend to give you cash at the wedding can put the money in your card box, just as anyone else would put a monetary gift in a card box.

Fran1985 · April 2014

ha I like the screen name, I read it in Kristin WIgs voice everytime I see it.

Swazzle · April 2014

Why do you think the money tree is unacceptable but the money dance is fine?

They're both asking for money. They're both rude.

blabla89 · April 2014

No, you don't have to register, but you may still have guests who want to buy you a boxed gift. IMO it doesn't hurt to create a small registry in case someone asks.

Nope, don't need STDs.

Cookie Pusher said:

helpmeimpoor said:
When she brought it up my instant response was "no, I think that's rude" but she just kind of shrugged it off, saying things along the lines of "everyone does it in our family" and talking about how much money she got on her money tree. It's not just his side of the family that's coming though... ugh. We're not going to do it, it's just going to be very awkward asserting myself with her.

Even if FI doesn't care either way, he should support your decision. He needs to understand that it is important to you to host your wedding properly. And to the bolded, yes, it might be difficult but you have to draw the line with her somewhere or else she will think she can always get her way and you will acquiesce to her demands if she pushes hard enough.

This.

Maggie0829 · April 2014

You don't have to change your screen name. Some people won't get it but who cares.

No you don't have to have a registry

No you don't have to send STDs

Say no to both the money dance and money tree. Asking guests to throw money at you when you are not a stripper is rude.

But like others have said, even if your FI doesn't really care about etiquette he should at least support your thoughts and decisions on certain things and stand up for you with his Mother.

helpmeimpoor · April 2014

A dollar dance is a cultural thing for them. I'm not going to argue that.

doeydo · April 2014

helpmeimpoor said:

A dollar dance is a cultural thing for them. I'm not going to argue that.

There are brides here who have money dances as part of their or their FI's culture. They have realized, though, that it is incredibly rude and therefore changed it somehow. Either by giving the guests monopoly money to give you, giving each guest that you dance with a flower instead of having them give you something, etc.

Swazzle · April 2014

helpmeimpoor said:

A dollar dance is a cultural thing for them. I'm not going to argue that.

I just can't understand how you're against the money tree because it's rude but you will do the dollar dance... even though it's also rude.

helpmeimpoor · April 2014

If the dollar dance is important to his family and their heritage, I will respect that. The money tree has no significance to anything as far as I can tell. So while I acknowledge that some people find it rude, I have no personal qualms with it. My issue is doing both, because that's far too much.

[Deleted User] · April 2014

For the money tree can you pull a "Oops, forgot it at home, guess we'll have to skip that"

grumbledore · April 2014

helpmeimpoor said:

CMGragain said:

grumbledore said:

helpmeimpoor said:

Sorry. I have a lot of questions that randomly pop into my head.

Do we HAVE to make a registry? I really would prefer not to...I don't like registries in general.

Do we HAVE to send out STD's? The wedding is in September and while I had them designed myself I definitely slacked on getting them printed.

My FMIL has essentially told me we are doing a dollar dance and a "money tree" while I have no problem with a dollar dance, the money tree strikes me as rude. Especially since we're doing a dollar dance. I brought it up to FI and he was not concerned, because it's "normal" to his family or maybe the area. I don't want to tell FMIL I think it's rude because I don't want to offend.

Any input would be lovely.

No.

No.

You shouldn't do any of these things, even if your name is @helpmeimpoor.

I did tell you that you should change your screen name!

Yes, yes...I realized not everyone would get it but unfortunately I don't think I can change it.

Oh, I get it. I think maybe you don't, at least in the context of TK.

MNVegas · April 2014

If you don't find the dollar dance rude (which I don't quite understand) then tell your FI that you will compromise. You will do the dollar dance but no money tree. He should be able to compromise by letting the money tree go, but if he is not willing to compromise then you have bigger problems.

JellyBean52513 · April 2014

helpmeimpoor said: If the dollar dance is important to his family and their heritage, I will respect that. The money tree has no significance to anything as far as I can tell. So while I acknowledge that some people find it rude, I have no personal qualms with it. My issue is doing both, because that's far too much.

-------------------------------------------------
See, this is the root of the problem with most etiquette issues: you may have no personal qualms with it, but your job as a host is not to be concerned about you, but your guests.

If no one in your family does a dollar dance, they may get offended... make comments and remarks behind everyone's back... come to you at some point after the wedding and ask you "What were you thinking?! How could you be so tacky??" and you will have to throw your FMIL under the bus and say it was all her idea.

I was a BM in a wedding where they did a dollar dance, something I'd never heard of before. The groom was my ex-stepdad (mom's ex-husband, but he has always been a part of my life while she has not) and when I went to dance with him, I asked him "I don't REALLY have to give you a dollar to have a dance with you, do I?? I don't even have any money on me!" He said no, of course I didn't have to. What if guests ask you the same thing, are you going to let them all slide? Will that piss off your FMIL and have her tell you that you're doing it all wrong? Or will you deny your guests a dance until they cough up a dollar?

You might think that appeasing her is the easier route to take, but consider all the unknowns that could happen as a result of this. Trust me, you're better off putting your foot down on these rude ass traditions now. Plus, I find it hard to believe that a dollar is "important" to their heritage. If people want to give you money, they will give you money another way without you being the ringleader of a rude dance that solicits it from them.

edited to fix quote format

helpmeimpoor · April 2014

grumbledore said:

helpmeimpoor said:

CMGragain said:

grumbledore said:

helpmeimpoor said:

Sorry. I have a lot of questions that randomly pop into my head.

Do we HAVE to make a registry? I really would prefer not to...I don't like registries in general.

Do we HAVE to send out STD's? The wedding is in September and while I had them designed myself I definitely slacked on getting them printed.

My FMIL has essentially told me we are doing a dollar dance and a "money tree" while I have no problem with a dollar dance, the money tree strikes me as rude. Especially since we're doing a dollar dance. I brought it up to FI and he was not concerned, because it's "normal" to his family or maybe the area. I don't want to tell FMIL I think it's rude because I don't want to offend.

Any input would be lovely.

No.

No.

You shouldn't do any of these things, even if your name is @helpmeimpoor.

I did tell you that you should change your screen name!

Yes, yes...I realized not everyone would get it but unfortunately I don't think I can change it.

Oh, I get it. I think maybe you don't, at least in the context of TK.

I guess not? It is just a screen name afterall. Not sure what there is to "get" other than a reference to a funny part of a movie.

hyechica81 · April 2014

In the armenian culture its the norm to have a money dance, if there was an armenian band they would play a song or the dj would play something armenian that you gave him, two people usualy the bride and groom would get in the middle and do a dance the guest would then throw money into the center of the dance floor.

we are not doing it a because my dads side of the family italians and lithuanians would not understand it. my mom side all Armenian would and my fi is irish and its just way to many cultures in the mix. plus i can be tacky asking for more money

cupcait927 · April 2014

I have nothing to add except to say that I love your SN and got it immediately. Not sure why some people have an issue with it, even in context to your post...

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