NWR-Relationship Advice (Update)

tammym1001 · April 2014

raeah219 said:

I was really hoping somebody in the world would say, "There is hope. Stick it out.He is making an effort, its just not a huge effort. Appreciate the things that he IS doing." Those are things I'm telling myself. Everybody else in my life is agreeing with all of the things you ladies said. Its time for me to wake up and realize that I deserve better. Hopefully once I'm gone he will step up and realize that I deserve better and he will become better, but if not, I will be ok.

Thanks ladies for all of your words, I need all the support and I can gather at this point because this is the hardest thing I've EVER done.

My sister left her husband a little over a year ago. She took the kids and moved out of "his" house. He's a huge jerk and always had been. She spent months telling anyone who would listen what happened in their marriage looking for advice. She was looking for just one person to tell her that she should stay with him and try to make it work. Nobody told her that and it devastated her because she knew they were right, but she just couldn't let go.

They attempted counseling, but her husband told her that he didn't think there was anything wrong with him and she was the one who needed to change to fit into his life. They argued and fought and then he would do a couple little nice things to just leave her hanging on. She finally divorced him, but he is still nice enough to her that she hangs on. They spend time together and act like they're dating each other one day and the next day they are at each other's throats. He gives just enough to get what he wants out of her. It's emotional abuse and it is seriously taking a toll on her. It breaks my heart to watch her go through that for a guy who very clearly does not love her the way that she loves him. Please don't put yourself through this. You're going to waste so much time and energy on this guy and he's not willing to do the same for you.

I know that it's hard to let go, but after the heartache heals you will be so much happier and it will give you the opportunity to find someone who truly loves you.

Marzipan13 · April 2014

@raeah219 I'm so sorry you're being put through this. I would be lying if I said I could relate, but I do know that you deserve much, much better. You are strong and all-deserving of respect and love, and I sincerely hope that you & your son will heal soon.

Inkdancer · April 2014

I'm so sorry, sweetie. I wish there were a magic want I could wave to make things better for you.

I hope that you find happiness soon, because you really deserve much better than somebody who wants to keep you on a leash to show off, but never commit to you.

AzAnnie · April 2014

doeydo said:

It takes two people to make a relationship work. It sounds like he isn`t willing to put in any effort. The fact that your therapist says he is emotionally checked out and that the relationship is not healthy says a lot, IMO.

I agree with this 100%

princessleia22 · April 2014

Many of us have had to leave SO's that we truly loved because the relationship just wasn't right. It really is one of the hardest things to do. Several years ago I had to decide to break it off with my fiancée, who I really did love. Overall, our relationship was good, but there were some fundamental differences on what we wanted from life that I just didn't want to settle for and I knew that I couldn't make him change. I knew that I had to leave in order to have the life that I wanted & deserved. As much as I would have loved him to change and fit into what I wanted from life, I knew that I couldn't make him do that and it wasn't a path he wanted for his life. When I ended it, he was furious at first, but then a couple days later we sat down and had a long talk... the most honest talk we probably ever had. And we both realized that it really was the best thing for us. There were many days I wanted to go back to him, but I stayed strong. And my life is INFINITELY better now than what it would have been if I had stayed. And I am stronger and happier because of that decision. But, it will be hard. And it will hurt... a lot. And you will question the choice for a long time. But, you will recover and rebuild. You will find your strength and your own happiness.

I really, really want to tell you that there's still hope and you should stay and keep working on it. I've been following your posts and have been rooting for things to work out for you. But, the big red flag for me is that he told you he can't even commit to working on it. Not even committing to the relationship, but he can't even commit to TRY. That right there tells me that it's time to go and focus on yourself and your kid. And as far as the homework, it sounds like you did it right away and he finally got around to it a few days later. Attempting to work on the relationship wasn't a priority to him. I agree that is sounds like he is doing just enough to keep you around. To me it sounds like he's done with the relationship, but scared to actually admit it, (either to you, himself, or both) and move on. That's a hard step to take. It's a big step into the unknown and having to leave the comfort you've known in a relationship. It's terrifying. And he may be hesitant to really end it until he has something else to replace it. Or at least has some idea of where to go from here. So, as much as I want to say it'll will work out with him, I can't. But I can tell you that you will be okay. You seem like a smart woman and perfectly capable of managing on your own. And I believe you will move on to some great places in life. And you have people here that are always available to talk to if needed.

It's still good to keep working on the relationship though, and maybe even continue therapy, but in a different respect. Stop working on it as trying to maintain a romantic relationship. But, you will still have a lifelong relationship for your kid that you will need to learn how to manage. And if you can overcome whatever issues you guys have and become just friends and parents, that would be best for your kid. And you may need to distance yourselves from each other for a while and come back to that after you get settled on your own. With my ex that I mentioned above, after a couple months we ran into each other and actually became really good friends. There was a connection there that didn't need to be abandoned completely, it just worked better as friends.

Gina0887 · April 2014

It sounds like he has said he's checked out, it just isn't what you want to hear. Sorry

raeah219 · April 2014

Update ^^^^^^^

theartistformerlyknownas · April 2014

Ugh. I'm so sorry. At least you know for sure now, and he's not stringing you along anymore. Stay strong and just focus on how much better off you'll be someday when you don't have a cold, distant husband to deal with. I'd give you a giant hug if I could.

tortoisebride · April 2014

I doubt he doesn't care at all... He's just probably already done his grieving or else he's holding it all inside like he seems to do with his feelings, based on your descriptions. It's better to rip the bandaid off now than drag it out any longer. Are you breathing any easier knowing you've made a decision?

Also, I'd suggest making an extra appointment with a therapist ASAP to talk about how you are going to deal with your son's feelings in all this.

KeptInStitches · April 2014

AddieCake · April 2014

Sorry it didn't work out. At least now you know and can move forward in a healthy way for you and your son. And he can, too.

yogablossom · April 2014

I am so sorry to hear of this. It's true that some days will be better than others. Some days you will feel you've made the right decision, and other days, you'll feel so much that you want him back. Just try to keep reminding yourself that when one door closes, another door opens. It will take time, years perhaps, but the right person IS out there and you WILL find each other when you are ready. Take this time for yourself and appreciate the good things that are out there in this world! Try to focus on the positive. I'll be sending you positive thoughts

doeydo · April 2014

Hugs*

HisGirlFriday13 · April 2014

I'm so sorry. But at least now you know.

(((HUGS)))

jdluvr06 · April 2014

I'm so sorry.

QueerFemme · April 2014

I'm so sorry. Based on your update, it doesn't sound like he thinks you are serious.

pinkcow13 · April 2014

I'm so sorry. You're doing the right thing for you and your son. Sending you lots of hugs, and we're all here for you.

FiancB · April 2014

I'm so sorry. I agree it sounds like he probably doesn't think you're serious. That's a really weird reaction. Please remember why you made this decision and don't go back on it. Hugs for you.

HaileyDancingbear · April 2014

You're doing the right thing. It's going to hurt, and that's ok. But one day it's going to stop hurting and you'll realize you are stronger and happier than before, because you no longer have someone there to hurt you. It hurts to lose someone, but in the long run it will make you much happier to not have someone in your life who causes you so much pain. You'll notice a huge weight has been lifted off your shoulders and you are now free to pursue happiness.

I think you should continue going to therapy to help you handle your emotions and release your negative emotions in a positive way. It is absolutely ok to feel sad and I think it is healthy to allow yourself to feel that way. Whatever you do don't bottle it up, you will only make the healing take longer. And I think, given the nature of your situation, you should take some time to really focus on yourself, as much as you can while taking care of your son. Spoil yourself a bit. Take any money you had set aside for wedding things and use it to spoil yourself. Whatever makes you happy. Just focus on you.

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