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My mom is totally overthinking the seating chart

SBminiSBmini member
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in Moms and Maids
My mom had this idea that instead of being placed at the front, she wanted to be in the center, at a table with all of her sisters (five of them). And then behind each sister would be their kids at their own table. I thought that sounded like it could work. But then- we got the seating chart and it was two rows of tables vs three. 

She spent about three days trying to reorganize the reception hall layout to make her three-wide plan work. It included a lot of conversations with things like, "this isn't what WE want" but I don't know who we was... because I was totally OK with the layout. She also pointed out about 20 times that the seating chart the planner sent over wasn't to scale. It wasn't meant to be to scale, it was meant to show the table layout. 

Finally, she gives the three-row thing a rest and plans the tables in the two rows. But she has one of my cousins' families all alone at a table and she doesn't know what to do with them. So I made a kids table, moved all the kids 6+ to that, and rearranged the cousins so they were with the cousins they grew up with. Sent that over to my mom. She calls me back tonight all excited because she figured it out. Basically, all the kids are at their parents tables, and one more cousin has been moved over to my loner cousin. Then, she has an empty table in the corner labeled the "teen table" (because that's cooler than a kids table) and kids can get a "pass" to go to the teen table. How is this being communicated? Who is making the passes? Things not explained. 

Basically what caused all of this was one of aunts asked my mom if her granddaughter could sit with her mom because she was shy. She's not shy. She's a nice girl who can carry a conversation just fine. But this one conversation I think put my mom into a total pleaser mode. Two seats for every kid! I pushed back- saying that I think the adults would prefer to have adult time with the cousins they grew up with. And she retorts that the current batch of kids "didn't grow up like we did" and she doesn't know if they'll talk so she wants to make sure everyone has options.

I really appreciate that she's taking guest comfort this far... but I also think it is a total cluster. But she's so adamant about doing it her way, I'm not sure if there is anything more to say about why I think it isn't necessary to have two seats for every kid.
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Re: My mom is totally overthinking the seating chart

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    Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Honestly, I would take whatever she has organized and re do it to what you want.  To have an empty table so that kids could get a "pass" to go sit there is dumb.  I also think that kids should sit with their parents.  Kid tables could get a bit crazy (I am thinking back to many a holiday dinner and sitting at the kids table).  And parents who are bringing their kids typically think that they will be sitting with their kids.  Trying to give them "adult time" is ridiculous.  If they wanted adult time then they would have left the kiddos at home.

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    HisGirlFriday13HisGirlFriday13 member
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    Why are you letting your mother have this much control over the seating chart? 

    I think your idea, of putting people who grew up together at the same table, is a good one. The 'teen's table' in the middle sounds like a cluster. 

    I get wanting to please your guests and have them be comfortable, but at some point, you just have to draw the line and say, 'This is the seating chart, it's only for dinner, they can move tables afterwards to chat if they want to.'

    And two seats for every child? What the what now?
    Anniversary

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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
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    Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Why are you letting your mother have this much control over the seating chart? 

    I think your idea, of putting people who grew up together at the same table, is a good one. The 'teen's table' in the middle sounds like a cluster. 

    I get wanting to please your guests and have them be comfortable, but at some point, you just have to draw the line and say, 'This is the seating chart, it's only for dinner, they can move tables afterwards to chat if they want to.'

    And two seats for every child? What the what now?
    I missed that part. Why does one kid need two seats?

    And I think people get too worked up over the seating chart.  Like HisGirFriday said, they only have to sit there through dinner.  They aren't chained to the seats.

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    PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its

    HisGirlFriday13 said:
    Why are you letting your mother have this much control over the seating chart? 

    I think your idea, of putting people who grew up together at the same table, is a good one. The 'teen's table' in the middle sounds like a cluster. 

    I get wanting to please your guests and have them be comfortable, but at some point, you just have to draw the line and say, 'This is the seating chart, it's only for dinner, they can move tables afterwards to chat if they want to.'

    And two seats for every child? What the what now?
    Hell if her mom wants to do it, I say have at it, Mom! Thanks!

    One less thing for the OP to have to deal with, right?

    Unless you already had taken the time to set up the seating and have a preference, @sbmini ><

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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    SBminiSBmini member
    5 Love Its First Comment First Anniversary Name Dropper
    She wanted to help, so I asked her to help with the seating chart. I knew she'd have an opinion on it and it was easier to give it to her first and maybe get something good vs doing it myself and having to deal with the same outcome (mom upset, dad yelling at me for not letting them have any say).

    I had no idea she would go this far with it. Then, when I voiced my opinion last night about not needing so many extra seats I got a call from my dad berating me for changing things and demanding that I let them have what they want because they have gotten so little of what they want in this wedding. Well dad, when every decision ends with mom upset, you yelling at me, and me on the verge of an anxiety attack for days on end- you don't get to do much! 
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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited April 2014
    SBmini said:
    She wanted to help, so I asked her to help with the seating chart. I knew she'd have an opinion on it and it was easier to give it to her first and maybe get something good vs doing it myself and having to deal with the same outcome (mom upset, dad yelling at me for not letting them have any say).

    I had no idea she would go this far with it. Then, when I voiced my opinion last night about not needing so many extra seats I got a call from my dad berating me for changing things and demanding that I let them have what they want because they have gotten so little of what they want in this wedding. Well dad, when every decision ends with mom upset, you yelling at me, and me on the verge of an anxiety attack for days on end- you don't get to do much! 
    Who's paying for the wedding?  If it's you, your parents aren't entitled to any say at all.  Tell them, "Thank you, but since your help seems to consist of you getting angry at me no matter what, FI and I will do this on our own."

    If they're paying, they do get says, so you would either need to decline their money and throw the wedding you and your FI can afford, or you'll need to find things you can let them have says on.  If there's anything that's an absolute dealbreaker, you need to pay for those yourself.  You can then tell them, "Mom, Dad, you can do whatever you want aside from X, Y, and Z.  I realize you're paying for everything else, but those are final decisions and yelling at me and making demands will not change them."
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    MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited April 2014
    Aw, I'm sorry it's been so rough. I have to admit, if I had been put in charge of the seating plan, I would have been just like your mom. She is taking the comfort of your guests very seriously. If the seating chart is the only area where she's been involved, I can see why it's a big deal to her. But enough is enough, right?

    My DD asked me who we wanted at our table. MOG also arranged her table. My preference was to sit with my brother, my two cousins, who are like brother and sister to me, my husband's childhood friend and all the spouses. The cousins' children were seated together. Even though they didn't grow up together, they had fun.
                       
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    SBminiSBmini member
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    It's not the only place she's been involved... but every time she has been involved it has been like this. But I was damned it I do, damned if I don't. If I did it myself she would have been upset because she would have wanted different people together than how I put them. There's no way I could have won here. 

    The costs of the wedding are being split between my parents, my FI's parents and us. She's paying for a lot- but I don't think that gives her a right to make everything about her.

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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    SBmini said:
    It's not the only place she's been involved... but every time she has been involved it has been like this. But I was damned it I do, damned if I don't. If I did it myself she would have been upset because she would have wanted different people together than how I put them. There's no way I could have won here. 

    The costs of the wedding are being split between my parents, my FI's parents and us. She's paying for a lot- but I don't think that gives her a right to make everything about her.

    Maybe you and your FI need to sit your parents down and have a come-to-Jesus talk with them about how their demands and complaints are making it hard for you.  You might even have to offer to return to your parents their contributions to make the point.

    I'm sorry that they're giving you so much shit.  My parents probably will too.
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    MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    I would finalize the seating chart and hand it in to the banquet manager. If mom suggests any changes, say thanks for the suggestion, we'll consider it. Then forget about it. This is a ridiculous thing to argue about. If you don't want a 'teen table,' then leave it out of the plan and bean dip your mom on it. 
                       
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    SBminiSBmini member
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    edited April 2014
    Jen4948 said:
    SBmini said:
    It's not the only place she's been involved... but every time she has been involved it has been like this. But I was damned it I do, damned if I don't. If I did it myself she would have been upset because she would have wanted different people together than how I put them. There's no way I could have won here. 

    The costs of the wedding are being split between my parents, my FI's parents and us. She's paying for a lot- but I don't think that gives her a right to make everything about her.

    Maybe you and your FI need to sit your parents down and have a come-to-Jesus talk with them about how their demands and complaints are making it hard for you.  You might even have to offer to return to your parents their contributions to make the point.

    I'm sorry that they're giving you so much shit.  My parents probably will too.
    We did that, when my mom tried to force me into a venue I didn't like, and again when they tried to demand that his parents wouldn't be listed on the invitation. We tried calling the whole thing off and paying for it ourselves after the venue thing, but they promised it would be better... 

    The wedding is in four days, I just want to get through it without rocking the boat any more than necessary because I want to enjoy myself and not be mad at my parents or have my parents mad at me. I'm worried that if I change the seating chart on her that she'll be really upset at the reception, and I don't want her upset. 

    At this point- I want a kids table, but I think it is better for the kids to be sat there vs putting them at adult tables and telling them they can go to the kids table if they want. But because "I'm not on the floor" as my mom puts it, I shouldn't get a say because she'll have to deal with the decision and I won't. 

    So, I'm done dealing with it. If my mom wants to be the center of a cluster, she can be the center of a cluster. If my guests say anything about how stupid the seating plan was, I'll tell them exactly who to direct their comments to.
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    SBminiSBmini member
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    Oh, I forgot one detail. She also wants assigned seating at her table and her table only. Yes, she wants to dictate where the guests at her table sit to guarantee that she has the best seat. 

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    Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    I would finalize the seating chart and hand it in to the banquet manager. If mom suggests any changes, say thanks for the suggestion, we'll consider it. Then forget about it. This is a ridiculous thing to argue about. If you don't want a 'teen table,' then leave it out of the plan and bean dip your mom on it. 
    This. Take her seating chart version. Fix what you don't like. Then hand it in and be done with it.

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    SBminiSBmini member
    5 Love Its First Comment First Anniversary Name Dropper
    I am going to change two of the tables she has 9 people at from 12s to 10s before sending it to the coordinator. Then I'm changing it back to 12s in case she looks at it again. This was the "last straw" I got yelled at for last night because I told my mom that she didn't need that many extra seats for visitors.

    For crying out loud, we have a baby sitter, a kids table, a dance floor, a lounge area outside of the banquet hall with cocktail tables and couches. We don't need 3 empty seats at tables!
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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited April 2014
    SBmini said:
    Jen4948 said:
    SBmini said:
    It's not the only place she's been involved... but every time she has been involved it has been like this. But I was damned it I do, damned if I don't. If I did it myself she would have been upset because she would have wanted different people together than how I put them. There's no way I could have won here. 

    The costs of the wedding are being split between my parents, my FI's parents and us. She's paying for a lot- but I don't think that gives her a right to make everything about her.

    Maybe you and your FI need to sit your parents down and have a come-to-Jesus talk with them about how their demands and complaints are making it hard for you.  You might even have to offer to return to your parents their contributions to make the point.

    I'm sorry that they're giving you so much shit.  My parents probably will too.
    We did that, when my mom tried to force me into a venue I didn't like, and again when they tried to demand that his parents wouldn't be listed on the invitation. We tried calling the whole thing off and paying for it ourselves after the venue thing, but they promised it would be better...   They're not keeping their promise by continuing to yell and make demands on you, are they?

    The wedding is in four days, I just want to get through it without rocking the boat any more than necessary because I want to enjoy myself and not be mad at my parents or have my parents mad at me. I don't blame you, but based on what you've posted about them, I think they are going to be mad at you no matter what.   I'm worried that if I change the seating chart on her that she'll be really upset at the reception, and I don't want her upset. You are in a no-win situation as long as your top priority is not getting her upset.

    At this point- I want a kids table, but I think it is better for the kids to be sat there vs putting them at adult tables and telling them they can go to the kids table if they want. But because "I'm not on the floor" as my mom puts it, I shouldn't get a say because she'll have to deal with the decision and I won't. 

    So, I'm done dealing with it. If my mom wants to be the center of a cluster, she can be the center of a cluster. If my guests say anything about how stupid the seating plan was, I'll tell them exactly who to direct their comments to.  Sounds like a plan.

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    MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Lots of last minute stress for you : (  At this point, I'd open a bottle of wine, turn your phone off and take a 24 hour break from your parents.
                       
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    Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    I wouldn't let your Mom look at the seating chart again after you turn it in.  There is no point because at that time you can't change anything so there is no reason for her to look at it.

    And 3 open seats for guests?  Does she realize that after dinner people will get up and mingle so extra chairs at tables are not necessary?

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    SBminiSBmini member
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    Maggie0829 said:
    I wouldn't let your Mom look at the seating chart again after you turn it in.  There is no point because at that time you can't change anything so there is no reason for her to look at it.

    And 3 open seats for guests?  Does she realize that after dinner people will get up and mingle so extra chairs at tables are not necessary?
    It's online (the Knot seating chart) so she can look at it. She realizes that people will mingle, hence why she wants extra seats, but she doesn't take into account that when people mingle, it means that someone leaves a table to go to another table, so empty seats move around. It's as if she's planning on an entire table to get up and migrate to other tables. It doesn't happen that way. 
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    Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
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    SBmini said:
    Maggie0829 said:
    I wouldn't let your Mom look at the seating chart again after you turn it in.  There is no point because at that time you can't change anything so there is no reason for her to look at it.

    And 3 open seats for guests?  Does she realize that after dinner people will get up and mingle so extra chairs at tables are not necessary?
    It's online (the Knot seating chart) so she can look at it. She realizes that people will mingle, hence why she wants extra seats, but she doesn't take into account that when people mingle, it means that someone leaves a table to go to another table, so empty seats move around. It's as if she's planning on an entire table to get up and migrate to other tables. It doesn't happen that way. 
    If I were you I would print out the seating chart and/or copy and save it elsewhere then delete your TK seating chart and tell your Mom that TK is having IT issues.

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    SBminiSBmini member
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    edited April 2014
    Maggie0829 said:
    SBmini said:
    Maggie0829 said:
    I wouldn't let your Mom look at the seating chart again after you turn it in.  There is no point because at that time you can't change anything so there is no reason for her to look at it.

    And 3 open seats for guests?  Does she realize that after dinner people will get up and mingle so extra chairs at tables are not necessary?
    It's online (the Knot seating chart) so she can look at it. She realizes that people will mingle, hence why she wants extra seats, but she doesn't take into account that when people mingle, it means that someone leaves a table to go to another table, so empty seats move around. It's as if she's planning on an entire table to get up and migrate to other tables. It doesn't happen that way. 
    If I were you I would print out the seating chart and/or copy and save it elsewhere then delete your TK seating chart and tell your Mom that TK is having IT issues.
    Lol, I changed my password. If my mom says she can't get in I'll just tell her that I wasn't comfortable with my FI having access to my account so I changed it. 

    Ok- final has been sent to the coordinator. Two of my moms 12s have been replaced with 10s and I told her that I would not be upset if the empty kids table was "forgotten". My FMIL didn't like the idea of having the kids at a table that far away from their parents, so she didn't want the table either. 

    We'll see what happens. 

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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Wishing you the best!

    I hope your parents don't cause scenes at your wedding.
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    NYCMercedesNYCMercedes member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Good luck! Enjoy your day!
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    SBminiSBmini member
    5 Love Its First Comment First Anniversary Name Dropper
    Thank you, not feeling much joy at this point in time. I'm going to have to find some time to apologize for one of my cousins for being placed with a bunch of randoms because my mom couldn't figure out how to work her in with her two seats for every table plan anywhere else. She has four kids- making it difficult to put her at any other table with people who have kids.

    SMH
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    PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited April 2014
    SBmini said:
    I am going to change two of the tables she has 9 people at from 12s to 10s before sending it to the coordinator. Then I'm changing it back to 12s in case she looks at it again. This was the "last straw" I got yelled at for last night because I told my mom that she didn't need that many extra seats for visitors.

    For crying out loud, we have a baby sitter, a kids table, a dance floor, a lounge area outside of the banquet hall with cocktail tables and couches. We don't need 3 empty seats at tables!
    I would leave those tables as is, if your mom has 9 ppl per table already.

    12 adults per table is way too cramped!  10 per table is too cramped, especially considering all of the place settings, your centerpieces, your liquor bottles, etc on the table.

    8 adults per table is what is usually the most comfortable, but it might be too late to change that now.  

    How much of a pain in the ass would it be to redo the seating so you only have 8 per table?  Would you have to have extra tables brought in?

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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    SBminiSBmini member
    5 Love Its First Comment First Anniversary Name Dropper
    PrettyGirlLost said:
    SBmini said:
    I am going to change two of the tables she has 9 people at from 12s to 10s before sending it to the coordinator. Then I'm changing it back to 12s in case she looks at it again. This was the "last straw" I got yelled at for last night because I told my mom that she didn't need that many extra seats for visitors.

    For crying out loud, we have a baby sitter, a kids table, a dance floor, a lounge area outside of the banquet hall with cocktail tables and couches. We don't need 3 empty seats at tables!
    I would leave those tables as is, if your mom has 9 ppl per table already.

    12 adults per table is way too cramped!  10 per table is too cramped, especially considering all of the place settings, your centerpieces, your liquor bottles, etc on the table.

    8 adults per table is what is usually the most comfortable, but it might be too late to change that now.  

    How much of a pain in the ass would it be to redo the seating so you only have 8 per table?  Would you have to have extra tables brought in?
    The tables are different sizes. We have large tables that seat 12 and slightly smaller tables that seat 10. The venue doesn't have any 8 person tables. 
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    PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    SBmini said:
    PrettyGirlLost said:
    SBmini said:
    I am going to change two of the tables she has 9 people at from 12s to 10s before sending it to the coordinator. Then I'm changing it back to 12s in case she looks at it again. This was the "last straw" I got yelled at for last night because I told my mom that she didn't need that many extra seats for visitors.

    For crying out loud, we have a baby sitter, a kids table, a dance floor, a lounge area outside of the banquet hall with cocktail tables and couches. We don't need 3 empty seats at tables!
    I would leave those tables as is, if your mom has 9 ppl per table already.

    12 adults per table is way too cramped!  10 per table is too cramped, especially considering all of the place settings, your centerpieces, your liquor bottles, etc on the table.

    8 adults per table is what is usually the most comfortable, but it might be too late to change that now.  

    How much of a pain in the ass would it be to redo the seating so you only have 8 per table?  Would you have to have extra tables brought in?
    The tables are different sizes. We have large tables that seat 12 and slightly smaller tables that seat 10. The venue doesn't have any 8 person tables. 
    But what are the dimensions of the tables?  What size are the tables they claim can seat 12 and what size are the tables they claim can seat 10?

    Venues will always try and tell you that you can fit 10 people on a 50" or 60" round table, and that is honestly not true.  For events where there is a lot of stuff on the tables- like your wedding- 8 adults is the max for comfortable seating on a 50" 0r 60" round.

    So a venue may claim they don't have seating for 8,  but actually they do.  You just have to insist you don't want any more than 8 adults per table.

    It may be too late to make changes, but if there is a possibility of adding more tables, and you have the room for it in the venue space, and decreasing the number of guests per table I would try.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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    SBminiSBmini member
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    I've been at that venue before at a table with 12 people and it was plenty of room. Even with family style dining. I don't know the size of the tables, but it all worked out.

    Update- so, the caterer would not allow us any extra chairs around tables. And, as soon as the kids went to the babysitter, seats opened up as expected. My cousins (whom were sat with their siblings opposed to the cousins they grew up with) ended up pushing their three tables together into one big table and sitting next to their cousin friends vs their immediate family. 

    So as expected, all my mom's overthinking was unnecessary, as was me getting upset at her for overthinking. People went and did what they wanted to do and everyone had a good time. 
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