Snarky Brides

NWR-Child Support Question

2»

Re: NWR-Child Support Question

  • raeah219 said:
    I asked this in thebump, but I just love talking to you ladies so if anybody has any advice let me know. We are breaking up and I will have our one year old son. He has a daughter from a previous relationship that he pays $600/month for. He makes 2500-3000 per month depending on his commission check. The $600 he already pays for his daughter is a strain on him so I dont want to burden him by asking for a lot but I really need his help. I was going to ask him to just give me 350/month but that will only cover half our sons daycare cost, which leaves me with the burden of paying for all our sons other living expenses on my own. I doubt that I would get much more if I file for child support since he already pays $600 for his other child. Im also afraid that if I ask for too much child support that he will try to just take physical custody of our son instead of having to pay too much in child support. I dont know what U should do. I'm not trying to "take him for all he has" I dont want any more that what I need to really care for our son.  Does anybody have any advice or experience with child support. Also, I know the laws vary from state to state, Im in GA if that matters at all. 
    From experience - let the courts decide this.  DO NOT NEGOTIATE.  I cannot stress this enough.  You will fuck yourself over and have no one else to blame.  I know I am being blunt, but I agreed to 50/50 custody with my XH because I was so worried I might lose in court - in the end, it was obvious I would have won, and now I have to live with that decision.  I also waived any right to CS and although we are okay without it, he makes more than I do and would probably have had to pay something.

    DO NOT DO THIS YOURSELF.  You don't need an attorney, but you do need to let a judge decide this.  Stand your ground.  His hardship, quite frankly, is his own damn fault, and yours will certainly be no less than his.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • raeah219 said:
    Now he is saying that we can just share custody and that we can base it off his work schedule. And our son can be in both homes equally so nobody has to pay child support. The issue I have with that is that I am our sons primary care giver. Im the one that takes care him the most. His dad is a great father dont get me wrong, but Im still with him majority of the time and Im the one who takes care of him the most. Plus ex-fi work schedule is unpredictable and sometimes he doesnt even get off work until 10:00 at night. That just wont work with a toddler. 

    Also @melbenso I have one quick question for you if you dont mind. Here in GA they have something called "legitimization" where the parents can basically put in writing that the child belongs to the father if they are unwed. We did that when our son was born, my ex is on the birth certificate and everything so does that mean I still have custodial rights until we go to court? 
    DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT do this just to keep the peace.  You have been the primary - there's no reason you shouldn't keep being the primary.  Spoken as someone who has been through this, I am going to be harsh for a minute here - he doesn't want to pay the child support, that's 99-100% of the reason he is proposing split custody.

    You need to use your head.  *hugs*

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Sorry I got all fired up when I read this thread.  My relationship with my XH was awesome when we were first splitting - over a year or so it deteriorated very badly and it became very, very bad when he started dating his now wife.  You do not know what will happen in the future.

    (For what it's worth, we are amiable now, but it took years to repair that damage.)

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • I have to say, not all dads are scumbags who are trying to get out of paying. My brother's wife freaked out, decided she couldn't handle being married and having a baby full time. She left the house and in the beginning (before they were divorced) they shared custody but my brother had the baby about 75% of the time, and when it was her time she would pawn the baby off onto her parents. Once they finally went to court to legalize the divorce, they agreed on 50/50 custody and since she earns more, she would have to pay him child support but he declined. My brother is the best, most caring father.

     I know your situation is different (only you know how he treats his children) but I just got a sour taste in my mouth when everyone was basically saying you must go to court because you can't trust a man to take care of his responsibilities. Absolutely do what you need to do for your situation, and good luck!! I've read your other posts and I'm sorry you're going through this rough time but it really does sound like you're doing the best thing for you and your happiness. I admire you for not being too scared to take these steps, even though it means turning your world upside down. It will be worth it in the long run! 

                                                                     

    image

  • jenna8984 said:

    I have to say, not all dads are scumbags who are trying to get out of paying. My brother's wife freaked out, decided she couldn't handle being married and having a baby full time. She left the house and in the beginning (before they were divorced) they shared custody but my brother had the baby about 75% of the time, and when it was her time she would pawn the baby off onto her parents. Once they finally went to court to legalize the divorce, they agreed on 50/50 custody and since she earns more, she would have to pay him child support but he declined. My brother is the best, most caring father.


     I know your situation is different (only you know how he treats his children) but I just got a sour taste in my mouth when everyone was basically saying you must go to court because you can't trust a man to take care of his responsibilities. Absolutely do what you need to do for your situation, and good luck!! I've read your other posts and I'm sorry you're going through this rough time but it really does sound like you're doing the best thing for you and your happiness. I admire you for not being too scared to take these steps, even though it means turning your world upside down. It will be worth it in the long run! 
    FWIW, I would have made EXACTLY the same advice if the genders were reversed or if it were a same-sex couple. I will always, always, always side with having legal protection in place for the child regardless of the parents' genders. It's the only way to guarantee protection for the kids.

    Also, my (male) friend and his new wife are struggling with his ex-wife's crappy behaviour toward their kids. She doesn't want to pay what the courts say she should pay for the kids and when he forces her to do it, she gets pissy.

    Parents of either gender are capable of being assholes. That's why the family law system exists for.
    Anniversary

    image
    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
  • melbensomelbenso member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited April 2014
    @raeah219 - With regards to the legitimization question, I'm not sure.  It's not something we have here in Ohio.  Sorry I can't be more helpful.

    @grumbledore - sorry - for some reason my notifications told me that you mentioned me, not raeah219.

    EDT - to change tags.
    image
  • melbensomelbenso member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited April 2014
    ***Lawyer disclaimer continues....***

    @raeah219 - If you can't afford an attorney, you may qualify for assistance from your local Legal Aid program.  Even if they can't represent you, they may have reduced fee attorney referral programs, legal clinics to help you file paperwork, or pro se (do it yourself) paperwork that you can file.  Also, if you and your ex really are in agreement on everything, there are often agreed custody forms that you can file.

    I do suggest you think about 1. what your ideal custody/child support arrangement is and 2. what you are willing to agree to that is not your ideal situation/what is a deal breaker for you.  Thinking about these things will make settlement easier if you do file something and the overwhelming majority of cases do settle without going to trial.  As for whether to settle or go to trial - that has to be taken on a case by case basis.  If you can get an agreement you believe is reasonable and in your child's best interests, you should settle.  If you can't, let the court decide.  But in my experience (8+ years of handling custody cases) no one - from either side - is ever completely happy with the results of a court decision and if you can have some say in what happens through settlement, that is often better.

    In the end, everyone has a different experience with custody cases.  Some people have wonderful, amicable relationships and work everything out in ways that make everyone happy.  Some people have stressful, horrible relationships and no one ends up happy.  The important thing to remember is that your are trying to do what is best for your child.  I've seen way too many people get so angry at their ex-partner that they turn a case into punishing the other person, which in the end just punishes the kids too.

    Good luck.
    image
  • tortoisebridetortoisebride member
    5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    edited April 2014
    raeah219 said: Last night he came to me begging me not to get a support order. He says that we can be rational adults and do whats best for our son without the interference of the court system. He even said that I was acting like money was the most important thing to me and like I didn't trust that he would care for our son. It was very hurtful and hard because I dont want this mans money. Thanks to you ladies I stuck to my guns. I told him that the court order is for the protection of both of our rights and ultimately for our child and I feel like its the best option. Also, he made a comment last night that worried me. He said, "the courts cater to mothers and are unfair to the father." I think that the courts cater to the child. They are going to do whats best for our son. It concerns me that he's thinking that anything the court orders would be too much, plus I told him that if they determine an amount that I feel is excessive that we can lower it if necessary but that I trust the court will make the right decision. 
    He has a daughter from a previous relationship who is 9, he just started paying her mother child support this month and he never sees her. So far he has been a great father to our son, and I'd like to believe that things will not change once we separate, but I cant know that for sure. So I know that going through the courts and getting everything in writing is the responsible way to handle it, even if my heart is tempted to just work it out between one another.  

    Good work!!! Keep sticking to those guns. Based on what you've posted so far it is pretty clear he would like to wriggle out of paying. @jenna8984 is right that you should always consider your personal situation, but um based on the personal situation and his history with his other daughter,
    run don't walk to legal aid & the court system. Maybe family law does tend to favor the mother, but if it does it's the only kind of law that favors women over men, so he can suck it up.
    This is me reading threads on TK
    image
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • raeah219 said:
    Last night he came to me begging me not to get a support order. He says that we can be rational adults and do whats best for our son without the interference of the court system. He even said that I was acting like money was the most important thing to me and like I didn't trust that he would care for our son. It was very hurtful and hard because I dont want this mans money. Thanks to you ladies I stuck to my guns. I told him that the court order is for the protection of both of our rights and ultimately for our child and I feel like its the best option. Also, he made a comment last night that worried me. He said, "the courts cater to mothers and are unfair to the father." I think that the courts cater to the child. They are going to do whats best for our son. It concerns me that he's thinking that anything the court orders would be too much, plus I told him that if they determine an amount that I feel is excessive that we can lower it if necessary but that I trust the court will make the right decision. 

    He has a daughter from a previous relationship who is 9, he just started paying her mother child support this month and he never sees her. So far he has been a great father to our son, and I'd like to believe that things will not change once we separate, but I cant know that for sure. So I know that going through the courts and getting everything in writing is the responsible way to handle it, even if my heart is tempted to just work it out between one another.  
    GOOD FOR YOU!!!! Seriously, I am so proud of you. I know how hard it was for you to stick to your guns, because you do believe he's a good father, but you absolutely have to do what's best for your son.

    If he thinks the courts 'cater' to the mother and not the father...well, maybe he's jaded because he didn't pay for his kid for the first 8+ years of her life and the court was harsher on him that it otherwise might have been. I don't know.

    But @melbenso is wise -- figure out what your ideal situation is, and figure out what you'd be willing to compromise on. I.e., if he has better health insurance ideally your son would be on his health insurance, but you would compromise and have your son on your health insurance for the peace of mind it brings to you (stealing an example from a PP.)

    The courts are going to do what's best for the child, and that might not be what's best for the adults, but it's not your problem if your ex-FI isn't happy with that. 

    Also, if he defaults on the court ordered payment, he can be held in contempt, and his wages can be garnished to pay back support. If he thinks he can just not pay you because he thinks it's too high, he's dead wrong.
    Anniversary

    image
    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
  • Go to court.  They look at his income and expenses and come to an amount that is reasonable.  That way, he has to pay the money.  If you two come to an agreement outside of the courts, then he might not give you any money or only occasionally, etc.  Think of it this way, the money is not for you (though he "gives it to you") it is for your son, and you will be bearing most of the expenses from now on since you will have to take care of him most of the time.
    image
  • What @doeydo said.

    My son's father, at one of our visits with the court, wanted to know WHY -I- needed more money, it was so hard on him, blah-blah-bullshit-blah.

    I ALMOST caved.  Then realized "You know what?  This isn't MY money.  It's our SON'S money."

    And I told him exactly that.  Because it's true.

    Stick to your guns, you're in the right.  Do NOT let him guilt you.  PROTECT YOUR SON!!!  And the best way to do so is with an order from the courts.
  • jenna8984 said:
    I have to say, not all dads are scumbags who are trying to get out of paying. My brother's wife freaked out, decided she couldn't handle being married and having a baby full time. She left the house and in the beginning (before they were divorced) they shared custody but my brother had the baby about 75% of the time, and when it was her time she would pawn the baby off onto her parents. Once they finally went to court to legalize the divorce, they agreed on 50/50 custody and since she earns more, she would have to pay him child support but he declined. My brother is the best, most caring father.

     I know your situation is different (only you know how he treats his children) but I just got a sour taste in my mouth when everyone was basically saying you must go to court because you can't trust a man to take care of his responsibilities. Absolutely do what you need to do for your situation, and good luck!! I've read your other posts and I'm sorry you're going through this rough time but it really does sound like you're doing the best thing for you and your happiness. I admire you for not being too scared to take these steps, even though it means turning your world upside down. It will be worth it in the long run! 
    I don't think anyone was saying that about men. We were referring to OP's situation, which happens to be with a man. I don't think gender has anything to do with this and anyone in this situation should go to court and get an order. No one said all dads are scumbags. I don't think anyone here believes that, but people are allowed to share their experiences--good or bad. 
  • raeah219 said:
    Last night he came to me begging me not to get a support order. He says that we can be rational adults and do whats best for our son without the interference of the court system. He even said that I was acting like money was the most important thing to me and like I didn't trust that he would care for our son. It was very hurtful and hard because I dont want this mans money. Thanks to you ladies I stuck to my guns. I told him that the court order is for the protection of both of our rights and ultimately for our child and I feel like its the best option. Also, he made a comment last night that worried me. He said, "the courts cater to mothers and are unfair to the father." I think that the courts cater to the child. They are going to do whats best for our son. It concerns me that he's thinking that anything the court orders would be too much, plus I told him that if they determine an amount that I feel is excessive that we can lower it if necessary but that I trust the court will make the right decision. 

    He has a daughter from a previous relationship who is 9, he just started paying her mother child support this month and he never sees her. So far he has been a great father to our son, and I'd like to believe that things will not change once we separate, but I cant know that for sure. So I know that going through the courts and getting everything in writing is the responsible way to handle it, even if my heart is tempted to just work it out between one another.  
    GOOD FOR YOU!!! I'm sure that was a challenging conversation, but it sounds like you really stood up for yourself!!

    I'm sorry this has been such a difficult path, but you are doing what is best for you and your son!
  • Its amazing to me how I cried, begged, and pleaded with him to sit down with me and talk about saving our relationship and he refused, but now he's so willing to sit down and talk to me now that its regarding money
  • raeah219 said:
    Its amazing to me how I cried, begged, and pleaded with him to sit down with me and talk about saving our relationship and he refused, but now he's so willing to sit down and talk to me now that its regarding money
    Samuel Johnson, centuries ago, wrote, 'No man is a hypocrite in his pleasures.' By which he meant, of course, that if you look at how someone spends their free time and what they pay the most attention to, you'll see what matters to them.

    Saving your relationship wasn't a priority to him. But saving money, and not having to be responsible, is.

    I'm sorry. :( It sucks he's being an ass, but I'm glad you're standing firm.
    Anniversary

    image
    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
  • Good for you for sticking to your guns. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. (((Hugs)))
  • jenna8984 said:
    I have to say, not all dads are scumbags who are trying to get out of paying. My brother's wife freaked out, decided she couldn't handle being married and having a baby full time. She left the house and in the beginning (before they were divorced) they shared custody but my brother had the baby about 75% of the time, and when it was her time she would pawn the baby off onto her parents. Once they finally went to court to legalize the divorce, they agreed on 50/50 custody and since she earns more, she would have to pay him child support but he declined. My brother is the best, most caring father.

     I know your situation is different (only you know how he treats his children) but I just got a sour taste in my mouth when everyone was basically saying you must go to court because you can't trust a man to take care of his responsibilities. Absolutely do what you need to do for your situation, and good luck!! I've read your other posts and I'm sorry you're going through this rough time but it really does sound like you're doing the best thing for you and your happiness. I admire you for not being too scared to take these steps, even though it means turning your world upside down. It will be worth it in the long run! 

    Oh I don't think it has anything to do with genders. Even if OP and ex FI are still best friends and love each other and have the same idea on what would work best, you still should be going to court. Working with an attorney or legal aid office will allow you to get a legal agreement that can help you think about the future as well. (What happens if someone loses their job? Who is going to pay for college? What if someone wins the lottery or gets a job that pays twice as much? What if one becomes disabled? Who pays for sports? What if one parent hates sports? What about holidays? Who should the legal guardians be if both die in a freak accident?) Its really important to have a third party party there to help them both work through these agreements. Having an informal agreement that says I get him M-Th, you get him the rest of the week does nothing to protect either side.

    image
  • edited April 2014
    Legal disclaimer: In no way should anything I have said be construed as legal advice.

    @melbenso and @raeah219 PA has something similar to the legitimization. It essentially means that the child is considered to be that person's. (In PA it's a little goofy and a child born into a marriage is assumed to be the child of the husband). It is a double-edged sword but the thoughts of the lawmakers was that it would help protect the mother and child in the event that the "father" decided he didn't want to take care of the child anymore. In other words, if the father later says, nope the baby doesn't belong to me it is his burden of proof to prove that the child doesn't belong to him. (In some states, even if the father says the child doesn't belong to him, after a legitimization, the courts ignore it). That's the short story.

    That being said, family law varies greatly from state to state. Off the top of my head I can't think of another area of law that varies so greatly, so I highly recommend getting some legal advice. The law school I went to had a legal clinic that did family law. It was law students who were oversaw by an actual attorney, but it was all reduced cost or free. Also, you might be able to find an attorney who would take your case pro bono (for free). 

    ETA: Fixed words...no guarantees they are all fixed
  • FI's ex has never paid child support for their son. Never. She expects an award when she takes him for dinner and sends him home with leftovers. While FI has spent years fighting for child support, it would be impossible if there was nothing in writing. His new lawyer told him that he'll likely never get anything because courts have a hard time going after mothers even if they lose their kids (she's due with her 2nd kid this month).

    You need legal help. Clinics are a good place to start. Do what you need to protect you both.
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • @wandajune6 I have completed all the paperwork necessary to establish a child support case and I really didnt feel like they wouldve handled things any different if I were the father. The questions were always about custodial parent vs non custodial parent. I think your FI is getting some bad legal advice. He can definitely get child support if he is the custodial parent. 
  • raeah219 said:
    @wandajune6 I have completed all the paperwork necessary to establish a child support case and I really didnt feel like they wouldve handled things any different if I were the father. The questions were always about custodial parent vs non custodial parent. I think your FI is getting some bad legal advice. He can definitely get child support if he is the custodial parent. 
    Good for you for taking the first step!
    BabyFruit Ticker
  • thanks @KatWAG. The only thing is that since he already has another child on child support I may end up getting less that the $550 that he offered me if I didnt file, but that's ok. Even if I end up with less money It will feel good to have the dependency of a court order in place. 
  • raeah219 said:
    thanks KatWAG. The only thing is that since he already has another child on child support I may end up getting less that the $550 that he offered me if I didnt file, but that's ok. Even if I end up with less money It will feel good to have the dependency of a court order in place
    Exactly. He may be good for the $550 at first but there's NO guarantee he'll keep it up. That court order is your guarantee. 

    image
    image
  • Good for you!!!
    Anniversary

    image
    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
  • Personal experience:

    When my ex and I divorced he was an OK dad and swore he would be in her life, fought for 50/50 custody in our divorce (every other week with each parent for a full 7 days). I agreed and sent it to court, we had to wait 30 days before a judge would sign. Day 28, he says "never mind, one day a month is what I want" so I marched my hiney to court that DAY, changed it to every 2nd and 4th weekend of the month, mailed him a copy, waited 30 days for him to contest the agreement, he didn't, judge signed it then I had to go though the support office which took an additional 7 months. Getting an agreed/court order schedule is the greatest because in Alabama, if I want to move more than 100 miles from my current residence he can stop me form moving but because I have proof that in 500 days, he has seen her a total of 43 days, or 36% of the time he was allowed to have. Im thinking about moving to Texas currently so, document EVERYTHING!!!! I have 3 2" binders, copy of all emails and text messages, any documents that I may need and just everything!!!

    My ex and I had to go before a support judge because I requested that 7 months of back pay and the judge said I was a smart cookie with all my saved stuff and gave me everything I wanted. I get $350 a month for 4 years then $306 after. I didn't care if I got anything, piece of mind is worth a million bucks.

This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards