Having Maid of Honor issue...please help

kjml2014 · May 2014

My maid of honor is my best friend. Our friendship before I got engaged was rocky..as she started to only call or get together when she needed something. I care about her and wanted to keep our friendship so I asked her to be the moh (also she is the only briedesmaid that lives here) I have a little over 4 months before the wedding and she hasn't come to me at all about setting up a bridal shower, ordered her dress, or tried to come with me to any appointments (shes a stay at home mom, so her schedule is fairly open and I try to work around it as much as possible) I don't want to set up my own shower, as I feel I cant handle more on my plate. Is it selfish of me to want a shower, or want more participation from her? Ive sent her the knots article on duties of a moh to give her a guide, and I feel it did no good. What do I do? Im not one who likes confrontation, I care for her and do not want this to ruin the friendship. Do I need to rethink my moh?

NOLABridesmaid · May 2014

People suck. A LOT. Do you have any family that can throw your shower? Mom, sister, aunt?

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2014

kcrowe20627 said:

My maid of honor is my best friend. Our friendship before I got engaged was rocky..as she started to only call or get together when she needed something. I care about her and wanted to keep our friendship so I asked her to be the moh (also she is the only briedesmaid that lives here) I have a little over 4 months before the wedding and she hasn't come to me at all about setting up a bridal shower, ordered her dress, or tried to come with me to any appointments (shes a stay at home mom, so her schedule is fairly open and I try to work around it as much as possible) I don't want to set up my own shower, as I feel I cant handle more on my plate. Is it selfish of me to want a shower, or want more participation from her? Ive sent her the knots article on duties of a moh to give her a guide, and I feel it did no good. What do I do? Im not one who likes confrontation, I care for her and do not want this to ruin the friendship. Do I need to rethink my moh?

1. You cannot throw yourself a shower; that is tacky.

2. Her only duties, as MOH or as BM, is to buy the right dress, show up on time and sober, and smile for photos.

3. If your relationship was rocky, asking her to be MOH was not going to fix that, much like having children doesn't fix rocky marriages.

4. You're allowed to want a shower, certainly, but you cannot demand one, throw yourself one, hint for one, or be pissy if you don't get one.

5. You cannot 'rethink' your MOH at this point without ending the friendship. If you demote her, kick her out, or replace her, you friendship will be over.

6. She does not have to come with you to any appointments. Yes, it would be nice if she wanted to, but she doesn't have to. Let that go.

7. If you care for her and want to preserve this friendship, lower your expectations, realise what her 'duties' are, and let it go.

dharmabunny · May 2014

kcrowe20627 said:
Ive sent her the knots article on duties of a moh to give her a guide, and I feel it did no good.

Well, no wonder. If I was sent a Roles and Responsibilities "reminder" for MOH duty (like a lazy employee about to get fired), I'd be livid, to say the least. Even more so if the relationship is on shaky footing.

And, please, enlighten us on a SAHM schedule....

6fsn · May 2014

I want to a million times like this statement from Friday

7. If you care for her and want to preserve this friendship, lower your expectations, realise what her 'duties' are, and let it go.

Yes, it's probably about the time she should be setting a date for the shower. Any chance it's a surprise? Just because she isn't doing it doesn't mean you won't get one though.

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2014

dharmabunny said:

Ive sent her the knots article on duties of a moh to give her a guide, and I feel it did no good.
Well, no wonder. If I was sent a Roles and Responsibilities "reminder" for MOH duty (like a lazy employee about to get fired), I'd be livid, to say the least. Even more so if the relationship is on shaky footing. And, please, enlighten us on a SAHM schedule....

WHOA, I missed this the first time around.

So, wait, you sent her a LIST OF HER DUTIES? And you wonder why she's not being more responsive to you?

There's your answer.

NOLABridesmaid · May 2014

Yes, the list didn't help matters, for sure. I guess I'm thinking as a current MOH, and you know spearheading a shower comes with the deal. If you can't afford, have the time, and just plain don't want to be bothered, then you should probably decline the role.

I'm not sure why brides pick flaky chicks that they barely speak to be in their wedding. There is nothing wrong with having a small wedding party or no wedding party. I also don't know why MOH's are also surprised that a bride would want some type of shower.

Both of these chicks are wrong, and people don't always do what you think they should do on both sides.

6fsn · May 2014

I was ignoring the SAHM mom comment thinking it was just my prickly issue.

tawillers · May 2014

6fsn said:

I was ignoring the SAHM mom comment thinking it was just my prickly issue.

I've been typing and deleting about this as well.

NOLABridesmaid · May 2014

Plusalso, if this is her best friend, then she should know she has a lot on her plate taking care of her family and kids.

Sample convo:

Hi, Sarah.

Hi, Kelly.

Girl, I know you are probably super busy with the kids, but I wanted to let you know that my_______(fill in the blank) is going to spearhead planning the shower. All you need to do is show up.

Whew! Thanks Kelly, I've been meaning to talk to you about it, but just haven't had the time.

No problem, Sarah. I'm just glad that you're going to be a part of my day.

Ok, Girl, I'll talk to you later.

Oh, by the way. I'm sorry for sending you that list of MOH duties, but I thought it might be helpful.

Yes, I read the list and started to get overwhelmed by everything on it.

Sarah, I was having a bride moment, just rip that thing up.

Ok. Kelly. I'm so glad we talked.

Click

6fsn · May 2014

Nola is good.

[Deleted User] · May 2014

6fsn said:

Nola is good.

really? and here i was thinking that nola is an idiot. really, someone should decline to be a maid of honor because she can't afford to host a party? as an MOH I want to stand next to my friend when she gets married not spend hundreds of dollars that i don't have to throw her a party.

NOLABridesmaid · May 2014

as an MOH I want to stand next to my friend when she gets married not spend hundreds of dollars that i don't have to throw her a party.

You don't have to spend hundreds of dollars to host a shower. You can have cake and punch in your living room. But, I think from past experience you can assume that most brides in America would like a bridal shower. So, when you accept that role you know that planning or assisting to plan a shower is in your future.

*Barbie* · May 2014

adk19 said:

6fsn said:

Nola is good.

really? and here i was thinking that nola is an idiot. really, someone should decline to be a maid of honor because she can't afford to host a party? as an MOH I want to stand next to my friend when she gets married not spend hundreds of dollars that i don't have to throw her a party.

I'm guessing this was in reference to her sample conversation above, indicating that the bride should apologize to the MOH for giving her a list of duties/essentially demanding a shower. She was 100% right in this. OP is being an ass.

My MOH was my 20yo sister. She lived in another city and was a full time engineering student. All she ever did was give feedback on the bridal party dresses, attend the wedding, and give a speech. (I even told her she could skip the speech if she felt too uncomfortable - she's pretty shy.) She didn't throw my shower, or even attend the one that my MIL threw. She was my MOH because I wanted her to be, not because I expected anything from her.

[Deleted User] · May 2014

NOLABridesmaid said:

as an MOH I want to stand next to my friend when she gets married not spend hundreds of dollars that i don't have to throw her a party.

You don't have to spend hundreds of dollars to host a shower. You can have cake and punch in your living room. But, I think from past experience you can assume that most brides in America would like a bridal shower. So, when you accept that role you know that planning or assisting to plan a shower is in your future.

Nope. Been a bridesmaid twice and a groomswoman once, never hosted or assumed to host anything. And I'm considering asking my 9 year old niece to be my Maid of Honor and certainly would never expect her or her parents to host anything for me, especially since they live across the country. If I want to ask my flakiest friend to stand next to me when I get married, that's my choice. If she or someone else chooses to host a party for me, that's cool, but I would never make that the basis for choosing my best friends to be in my bridal party. I don't choose my friends because of the parties they can host or organize.

NOLABridesmaid · May 2014

Good point, Barbie

I believe in my pretend convo I told my MOH that she didn't have to worry about planning the shower and all I cared about was her being a part of my day.

Yeah, I think that's what I said...Yep.

[Deleted User] · May 2014

NOLABridesmaid said:

as an MOH I want to stand next to my friend when she gets married not spend hundreds of dollars that i don't have to throw her a party.

You don't have to spend hundreds of dollars to host a shower. You can have cake and punch in your living room. But, I think from past experience you can assume that most brides in America would like a bridal shower. So, when you accept that role you know that planning or assisting to plan a shower is in your future.

Also, no, I can't host cake and punch in my living room. I have a tiny living room and share it with someone I can't kick out of his own home. I'd have to rent a room or mooch a friend's living room or go to a restaurant, none of which I have the finances to do. But you know what I do have the finances to do? Stand next to my friend when she gets married, wearing the dress she asked me to wear, chosen by her after she heard my budget requirements for a dress.

NOLABridesmaid · May 2014

Look, I'm almost 41 years old, and if I can't at least offer to help host or host my BF's shower, than I think I'm being a slacker. I'm just going to call it what it is, in my opinion. Of course a nine year old isn't going to host a shower. But, maybe your mom or sister will.

Sounds like you don't want a shower which is cool, but tell your people so they won't waste time planning one.

6fsn · May 2014

I was indeed referencing Nola's conversation. I don't think it's wrong to consider expectations from BOTH sides when choosing are accepting members of the bridal party. I did not pick people for the parties they could throw me. When I am asked I DO consider if I have the time/money/emotions to do it.

If the bride wants a party, which she clearly does, she should not pick someone who cannot provide that.

NOLABridesmaid · May 2014

Been a bridesmaid twice and a groomswoman once, never hosted or assumed to host anything.

I think that's the part that I don't understand.

I think I jacked her post.

[Deleted User] · May 2014

NOLABridesmaid said:

Been a bridesmaid twice and a groomswoman once, never hosted or assumed to host anything.

I think that's the part that I don't understand.
<where is kjm12014>
I think I jacked her post.

When I say I was never assumed to host anything, I mean that neither the bride, nor her mother, sister, friends, or Maid of Honor expected me to do anything about hosting a party. I think I was once on a shower invitation as an additional RSVP person because I checked my email more often than the bride's aunt, and would be able to collect a list of online RSVPs.

NOLABridesmaid said:

Look, I'm almost 41 years old, and if I can't at least offer to help host or host my BF's shower, than I think I'm being a slacker. I'm just going to call it what it is, in my opinion. Of course a nine year old isn't going to host a shower. But, maybe your mom or sister will.
Sounds like you don't want a shower which is cool, but tell your people so they won't waste time planning one.

It's not that I don't want a shower, it's that I don't care if I get one. Sure, I'd love to have a bunch of my friends in a room showering me with gifts, who doesn't want that? That sounds like fun! I just don't pick my bridesmaids based on whether they can host me, 10 of my friends, and my mother with cake and punch in their living rooms.

*Barbie* · May 2014

NOLABridesmaid said:

Been a bridesmaid twice and a groomswoman once, never hosted or assumed to host anything.

I think that's the part that I don't understand.
<where is kjm12014>
I think I jacked her post.

hopefully apologizing to her MOH.

hyechica81 · May 2014

my sister is my moh we have a huge age difference between us 11 years, shes graduates from college this year and is on a limited budget she helped plan my shower with my mom. wrote out the invites, helped with the menu, i had a cousin who helped with all the decorations and games, my sister contributed some to the shower but my mom put in most of it...

you have to lower your expectations from your moh if she cant afford to host you a shower she should let you know.

cake and punch showers are inexpensive if you have a family member who can step in get a nice cake, you can get decent inexpensive ones from the grocery store, make a huge bowl of punch and some fruit maybe cheese and crackers

Having Maid of Honor issue...please help

Re: Having Maid of Honor issue...please help

Choose Another Board

Search Boards