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How not to overwhelm hubby-to-be with planning details?

AnotherVioletAnotherViolet member
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in Just Engaged and Proposals
Hi all!

Engaged in August 2013 and happy as a clam! In regards to planning, my fiance simply said "just tell me where to be and what to wear." Judging by some other posts and answers from some engaged male friends, this is a typical response.lol However, from experience of being in other people's weddings, grooms seem to change their minds about what they want to be involved in once they see the bride calling all of the shots (Cake, decor, food, etc). I'm curious,  what stages of planning do you include a "quiet" groom in and how often to do you update him on options? My fear is that I will end up presenting him with too many choices and overwhelm him or that I won't tell him enough and that may lead to arguments and lost deposits. Thoughts? Thank you and congratulations to you all! :)
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Re: How not to overwhelm hubby-to-be with planning details?

  • Teddy917Teddy917 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    Narrow it down to your top three on each thing. Then ask him "Do you like the roses, tulips, or sunflowers?" It's a lot less overwhelming than "Which flower do you like?" Plus he probably wants to make sure you like it too, and could be worried that he'll pick the wrong one. With this method, whichever he picks is something he already knows you like.
    Or give him free reign on something that he likes. Say you couldn't care less about the cake but he's interested in it. Tell him you trust him to pick out something amazing, then give him the budget for that thing and let him figure it out.
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  • WildMageletWildMagelet member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment First Answer
    If FI outwardly expresses an opinion on his own I try and take it and run with it.

    If he hasn't expressed an opinion then I'll usually narrow down some options and then ask him which of those he would prefer.
    Formerly known as flutterbride2b
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  • AprilH81AprilH81 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I would make sure he is involved in picking the venue, but you could visit the locations and then only take him to the top few choices.

    Otherwise ask him if there is anything specific he wants (open bar?  live music?) and make sure you do your best to get those items included.

    Otherwise, I recommend @teddy917 's suggestion of providing him with the top two or three choices on some items so he gets a say as well.  You may find that he honestly doesn't care (mine didn't for the most part) but you at least made the effort.
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    I asked my H what he cared about.  Those items were venue, food, booze, music and his attire.  So that is what I included him in.  Not that I left him out of the other parts, I still ran by options for flowers and colors and such but many times it was met with "all of them sound great so whatever you want is fine."

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  • vmj23vmj23 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer

    My fiance also does not care about details.  I've asked him what involvement he wants and what he is instrested in.  He helped decide on the venue and menu choices but besides that I've pretty much narrowed down options then will run stuff by him.   He will eitherr say "you decide" or give me his opinion.   things like i flowers or registering for gifts, i knew he wouldn't want to be involved with so I brought my mom instead (after he agreed he had no interest in going).     

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  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    We plan to plan. We both work full time and we are both in grad school so a wedding isn't at the forefront of our minds. I'll say, "Hey, sometime over winter break we need to decide on our order of ceremony and pick out our music." Then, we pick a night, sit down and knock out our decisions. I can't spring questions on him randomly and expect an answer; he needs to be in the proper frame of mind. It works!
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  • AddieCakeAddieCake member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    I ran things by my husband just so he would not be in the dark about anything that would be happening. He offered input on a few things, and other things he told me to decide on. 


    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • melbensomelbenso member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    I asked FI what he wanted to be involved in:

    Me - "FI, I am scheduling appointment's with florists.  Do you want to come?" 
    FI - "No.  I don't care what flowers you pick."
    Fiance didn't talk about hydrangeas vs. roses with the florist.  I just asked him afterwards if he wanted to get corsages for certain family members I wasn't sure about.

    Me - "We need to pick a bakery soon.  Do you want to come taste cake with me?"
    FI - "Free cake?  Yes."
    Fiance enjoyed lots of cake and cupcakes.

    The only thing I wanted to make sure he came for was picking the venue and the food we were going to serve.  He did too, so that worked out just fine.
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  • mrshdjohnstonmrshdjohnston member
    First Anniversary First Comment

    When we first got engaged FH was not interested in planning at all, he was definitely the 'tell me where to be and when to be there' ype of groom.  But when I took him to look at the venue that I really liked it was like something clicked.  He said that when he saw how happy and excited I was about the wedding and about getting married something changed.  That was this past September and ever since he has been more hands on than I ever thought.

    I always imagined I would be one of those brides that planned there wedding with the help of their MOH but when FH started to get excited and discuess wedding details with me I was over the moon.  I wouldn't ever change being able to plan this entire wedding with him.  We have gone to the cake tastings and meetings with the decorator together.  Everything has been a joint effort and it has been amazing!!

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  • Knottie30063927Knottie30063927 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    Sometimes I wish my FI was the type who is uninterested in planning! (I am half kidding - of course I am thrilled he wants to partake in the planning. )He has strong opinions about everything, yet he gets stressed whenever I bring up anything about the wedding. I realized that the problem is that he gets overwhelmed, so I told him we only have to make one decision at a time, and the most pressing decision was the date and venue. Once I said that, he relaxed and jumped on board with looking at venues. Now that the venue and date are nailed down, I am slowly feeding him more details to digest. I think dealing with the big details first (venue/date, food, photography, whatever else is most important to you both) helps, and then everything else will fall into place. 

    My strategy is just to bring up one task at a time, and I try not to talk endlessly about small details. I also told him if there is anything he really cares about (in our case, the food and music), I am happy to hand over full control. It's working out great!
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