Approaching the issue of alcohol and drug consumption before the ceremony

cassgh · May 2014

My fiancé and I had discussed that we didn't want any of our attendants showing up to the ceremony high, drunk, or hungover. We are totally cool with them having alcohol at the reception, but we want everyone sober before and during the ceremony, which we both feel is a reasonable request (it's not like we are asking them to give up their drinking or smoking completely, just for a short period of time during part of one day - our day). We mentioned this casually to the few attendants this concern applied to when we asked them to be in our wedding party and they kind of shrugged it off. But when it was brought up again recently, they seemed completely offended that we would even think of asking them to abstain from alcohol or pot prior to the ceremony. We love all of our attendants dearly, but some of their habits and behaviors we could do without on our big day. What is the best way to respectfully tell them that this behavior on our wedding day is unacceptable to us and it would greatly offend us if they did not comply with our request? Or are we being totally unreasonable in expecting this of our wedding party?

CMGragain · May 2014

cassgh said:

My fiancé and I had discussed that we didn't want any of our attendants showing up to the ceremony high, drunk, or hungover. We are totally cool with them having alcohol at the reception, but we want everyone sober before and during the ceremony, which we both feel is a reasonable request (it's not like we are asking them to give up their drinking or smoking completely, just for a short period of time during part of one day - our day). We mentioned this casually to the few attendants this concern applied to when we asked them to be in our wedding party and they kind of shrugged it off. But when it was brought up again recently, they seemed completely offended that we would even think of asking them to abstain from alcohol or pot prior to the ceremony. We love all of our attendants dearly, but some of their habits and behaviors we could do without on our big day. What is the best way to respectfully tell them that this behavior on our wedding day is unacceptable to us and it would greatly offend us if they did not comply with our request? Or are we being totally unreasonable in expecting this of our wedding party?

If you were worried about your friends' behavior, you should not have selected them for your wedding party in the first place! Now that you have, your insinuating that they might embarrass you by coming to your wedding high is insulting. Back off.

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2014

If you knew what they were like, why did you ask them to be your attendants?

We generally say all anyone has to do is show up on time and sober, but if your friends regularly smoke pot and drink, you're not going to get them to stop for one day.

You can either accept these people as they are or not, but you can't change them.

AddieCake · May 2014

You have made your wishes known to them already. Let it go now. If they show up drunk or high, finish your day, go on your honeymoon if you are taking one right away, and then when you get back, tell these people that you consider your friendship over, that if they could not manage to respect you on your wedding day, you do not consider them friends, and move on with your lives.

RebeccaFlower · May 2014

Well, most of them will probably be with you the morning of, correct? I agree that is it so trashy to have a stumbling bridal party/couple but you really shouldn't have been so accusatory. I would also have been super offended.

vsgal · May 2014

You can't micromanage an adult's behavior. These are adults. They can make adult decisions.

hikebikebemerry · May 2014

You can't control other people's actions- that's way too much stress!

They know how you feel, harping on it may come off as insulting or condescending. The more off-limits something is, the more enticing it becomes.

My best advice is this: if people are getting ready with you and your FI- provide drinks and snacks. If people want to drink, they will drink- but it's better to not make them be sneaky about it and/or do so on an empty stomach.

mel&josh2015 · May 2014

Let's be honest here, no matter what you ask of them, they will do what they want to do. They know you would prefer them to be sober but you can't control what they do. I have to agree that if this is an issue you knew might happen, you should have not chosen them to be in the party. But that's said and done, so all you can do is hope for the best. Again, they know what you would prefer, trying to talk to them about it will just cause tension. Most people know better than to do that kind of stuff for a ceremony.

kmmssg · May 2014

You have made your wishes known and I agree with Addie's approach to this.

When I was married in '80 and '96 BOTH Pastors gave stern warnings that if they smelled alcohol on anyone in the wedding party the wedding would not happen. This wasn't a problem for us (but the reception in '80 was a whole other story...). I do know one other Pastor who has been a good friend for over 20 years gives that warning in a very no nonsense/stern approach. Both of my weddings were in churches.

MairePoppy · May 2014

You've told them twice. They will either comply or not. Issuing another advisory won't change what they're going to do, so save your breath. Make arrangements to get ready for the wedding together. Serve soft drinks and light refreshments. If anyone shows up sloppy drunk or high, you can tell them not to walk, if that's what you want to do.

offensivekitten2 · May 2014

You fucked up, and should own it. Either you invited totally shite people into your wedding party and are reaping the rewards, OR you are harping on decent people and offending the shit out of them.

Just leave them alone, it's not their mistake.

Blue_Bird · May 2014

You were very rude to your friends, and you owe them an apology.

You are not these people's employers, and you can not announce policies or behavior standards. If you don't think you can trust your fiends to behave well, you should not have asked them to be a part of your wedding. That ship has sailed.

banana468 · May 2014

Before I issue judgement I have to wonder what kind of friends these people are and what kind of jobs they have. Do they not work real jobs where they have to show up sober?

MyNameIsNot · May 2014

Leave it alone.

Trust them to act like adults. If anyone shows up too drunk or high to make it up the aisle and stand during the ceremony, they don't walk. No one will know or care if they are a little buzzed.

Jen4948 · May 2014

You need to leave it alone now. You made your wishes clear twice, apparently in an accusatory way that these people found controlling, micromanaging, and off-putting, whatever your intentions were.

As @AddieCake suggests, if anyone does show up high or shitfaced to your wedding, you can end your friendship with them as soon as the wedding is over due to their lack of respect for your wishes.

Alyssa18o6 · June 2014

Personally, I don't think you were wrong, or offensive in anyway. But that's just me.

However, I will say I feel bad that you even had to ASK your friends to not partake in such activities before your wedding. To me it's more offensive that my friends would even imagine coming to my ceremony "high". The drinking can totally be saved till after the ceremony. It's the drug thing that bothers me.

Knope2014 · June 2014

I come from a family with lots of marijuana users and honestly don't see the problem with people showing up with a little buzz as long as they can still act appropriately. I've been to weddings were drugs were used by the bridal party beforehand, and amazingly those weddings were beautiful and are cherished memories. I've been to stone sober weddings (okay, only one), and I honestly wish I had skipped that one. Just because someone uses drugs, doesn't mean they can't handle themselves and act like adults. Goodness, we're talking about pot here, not meth.

CMGragain · June 2014

Knope2014 said:

I come from a family with lots of marijuana users and honestly don't see the problem with people showing up with a little buzz as long as they can still act appropriately. I've been to weddings were drugs were used by the bridal party beforehand, and amazingly those weddings were beautiful and are cherished memories. I've been to stone sober weddings (okay, only one), and I honestly wish I had skipped that one. Just because someone uses drugs, doesn't mean they can't handle themselves and act like adults. Goodness, we're talking about pot here, not meth.

When I worked as a church organist, I saw several pot influenced wedding ceremonies. The most memorable one, the groom wandered away from his bride, came over to me as I was playing interlude music for the candle lighting ceremony, and yelled, "My God, you are beautiful! So beautiful!" It was horribly embarrassing. He stumbled back to the tearful bride (who was very pregnant), and they did finally finish the ceremony.
It wasn't funny to the guests. It wasn't funny to the bride. It was disrespectful of the occasion. I wanted to yell, "Oh, honey, don't marry this pothead! You'll regret it the rest of your life!"
I think the OP is justified in wanting her ceremony to be a sober, meaningful occasion. Unfortunately, she might have chosen the wrong people for her wedding party. Too late now!
I live in Colorado, and, yes, I voted for our state to legalize marijuana. I hope it works out, but it does need to be controlled, just as alcohol is controlled. A wedding ceremony is not the time and place to be under the influence of any substance.

OwningAHome1981 · June 2014

They are adults so you cant really control it, they will do what they want, they are old enough to make their own choices. It sucks but thats the way it goes. We had a lot of drunks at our wedding but what can ya really do - thats the drawback of having alcohol at weddings.

One thing i can suggest is maybe have a sign at the bar that says "we hope you enjoy our delicious cocktails and please remember to drink responsibly" and tell the bartenders to call cabs if ppl need them. The venue should be able to do that.

chibiyui · June 2014

CMGragain said:

Knope2014 said:

I come from a family with lots of marijuana users and honestly don't see the problem with people showing up with a little buzz as long as they can still act appropriately. I've been to weddings were drugs were used by the bridal party beforehand, and amazingly those weddings were beautiful and are cherished memories. I've been to stone sober weddings (okay, only one), and I honestly wish I had skipped that one. Just because someone uses drugs, doesn't mean they can't handle themselves and act like adults. Goodness, we're talking about pot here, not meth.

When I worked as a church organist, I saw several pot influenced wedding ceremonies. The most memorable one, the groom wandered away from his bride, came over to me as I was playing interlude music for the candle lighting ceremony, and yelled, "My God, you are beautiful! So beautiful!" It was horribly embarrassing. He stumbled back to the tearful bride (who was very pregnant), and they did finally finish the ceremony.
It wasn't funny to the guests. It wasn't funny to the bride. It was disrespectful of the occasion. I wanted to yell, "Oh, honey, don't marry this pothead douchebag! You'll regret it the rest of your life!"
I think the OP is justified in wanting her ceremony to be a sober, meaningful occasion. Unfortunately, she might have chosen the wrong people for her wedding party. Too late now!
I live in Colorado, and, yes, I voted for our state to legalize marijuana. I hope it works out, but it does need to be controlled, just as alcohol is controlled. A wedding ceremony is not the time and place to be under the influence of any substance.

FTFY

I think the above is less a pot issue and more that guy was a terrible person.

Knope2014 · June 2014

chibiyui said:

CMGragain said:

Knope2014 said:

I come from a family with lots of marijuana users and honestly don't see the problem with people showing up with a little buzz as long as they can still act appropriately. I've been to weddings were drugs were used by the bridal party beforehand, and amazingly those weddings were beautiful and are cherished memories. I've been to stone sober weddings (okay, only one), and I honestly wish I had skipped that one. Just because someone uses drugs, doesn't mean they can't handle themselves and act like adults. Goodness, we're talking about pot here, not meth.

When I worked as a church organist, I saw several pot influenced wedding ceremonies. The most memorable one, the groom wandered away from his bride, came over to me as I was playing interlude music for the candle lighting ceremony, and yelled, "My God, you are beautiful! So beautiful!" It was horribly embarrassing. He stumbled back to the tearful bride (who was very pregnant), and they did finally finish the ceremony.
It wasn't funny to the guests. It wasn't funny to the bride. It was disrespectful of the occasion. I wanted to yell, "Oh, honey, don't marry this pothead douchebag! You'll regret it the rest of your life!"
I think the OP is justified in wanting her ceremony to be a sober, meaningful occasion. Unfortunately, she might have chosen the wrong people for her wedding party. Too late now!
I live in Colorado, and, yes, I voted for our state to legalize marijuana. I hope it works out, but it does need to be controlled, just as alcohol is controlled. A wedding ceremony is not the time and place to be under the influence of any substance.

FTFY

I think the above is less a pot issue and more that guy was a terrible person.

I agree. A person's behavior, either sober or under the influence of alcohol/weed, is their own to control. You can't blame the substance.

disclaimer-IMO this only applies to alcohol and pot, most other drugs can cause severe chemical imbalances and can make someone's behavior into something they're not.

cassgh · June 2014

Thank you everyone for you feedback! We really needed someone not involved in the situation to give some perspective.

To answer a few questions/issues that were addressed in the responses: Part of it is our own wishes since we do have errands/jobs for them to be doing prior to the ceremony and we don't want that to have to fall on someone else because they are unable to perform their duties. The other part is that the church, while not forbidding drugs, has made it clear that they find drug use in their place of worship disrespectful (and since we attend this church, we obviously don't want to ruin our relationship with it). Also, we chose these people (we have 12 total attendants, and this issue only applies to 2 of them, so it's not like the whole wedding party is going to be drunk/high) because they are immensely important to us and we love them dearly and couldn't imagine getting married without them standing next to us, even if we don't agree with some of their choices - but this has shown that the feeling is clearly not reciprocated!

Thanks again, everyone, for your feedback! I appreciate it!

Maggie0829 · June 2014

cassgh said:

Thank you everyone for you feedback! We really needed someone not involved in the situation to give some perspective.
To answer a few questions/issues that were addressed in the responses: Part of it is our own wishes since we do have errands/jobs for them to be doing prior to the ceremony and we don't want that to have to fall on someone else because they are unable to perform their duties. The other part is that the church, while not forbidding drugs, has made it clear that they find drug use in their place of worship disrespectful (and since we attend this church, we obviously don't want to ruin our relationship with it). Also, we chose these people (we have 12 total attendants, and this issue only applies to 2 of them, so it's not like the whole wedding party is going to be drunk/high) because they are immensely important to us and we love them dearly and couldn't imagine getting married without them standing next to us, even if we don't agree with some of their choices - but this has shown that the feeling is clearly not reciprocated!
Thanks again, everyone, for your feedback! I appreciate it!

What exactly are you making them do? Did they volunteer to help or did you just hand out orders?

Also, whatever these two individuals may do before your ceremony will reflect poorly on them not you.

AddieCake · June 2014

What errands and jobs?

Knope2014 · June 2014

I think most adult drug users, at least of drugs that are smoked, are going to do it somewhere other than inside a church. Most drug users don't want 100 or so people looking at them when they get high, or want to do it in a bathroom where anyone could walk in. However, I don't think it would be an issue for you to say something along the lines of "you are adults, and we love you, but all we ask is to not bring drugs into the ceremony/reception." If they feel the need to partake, they will do so in a private place like their car, and no one will be the wiser.

HaileyDancingbear · June 2014

cassgh said:

My fiancé and I had discussed that we didn't want any of our attendants showing up to the ceremony high, drunk, or hungover. We are totally cool with them having alcohol at the reception, but we want everyone sober before and during the ceremony, which we both feel is a reasonable request (it's not like we are asking them to give up their drinking or smoking completely, just for a short period of time during part of one day - our day). We mentioned this casually to the few attendants this concern applied to when we asked them to be in our wedding party and they kind of shrugged it off. But when it was brought up again recently, they seemed completely offended that we would even think of asking them to abstain from alcohol or pot prior to the ceremony. We love all of our attendants dearly, but some of their habits and behaviors we could do without on our big day. What is the best way to respectfully tell them that this behavior on our wedding day is unacceptable to us and it would greatly offend us if they did not comply with our request? Or are we being totally unreasonable in expecting this of our wedding party?

I would never show up to be a bridesmaid either high or drunk. I would still be completely offended by this. I would be offended that you would even assume I'd do that. Chances are that's how they feel. Maybe their reaction isn't because they can't give up being high or drunk for a day, it's because you've offended them with that assumption.

I would apologize if I were you.

MyNameIsNot · June 2014

cassgh said:

Thank you everyone for you feedback! We really needed someone not involved in the situation to give some perspective.
To answer a few questions/issues that were addressed in the responses: Part of it is our own wishes since we do have errands/jobs for them to be doing prior to the ceremony and we don't want that to have to fall on someone else because they are unable to perform their duties. The other part is that the church, while not forbidding drugs, has made it clear that they find drug use in their place of worship disrespectful (and since we attend this church, we obviously don't want to ruin our relationship with it). Also, we chose these people (we have 12 total attendants, and this issue only applies to 2 of them, so it's not like the whole wedding party is going to be drunk/high) because they are immensely important to us and we love them dearly and couldn't imagine getting married without them standing next to us, even if we don't agree with some of their choices - but this has shown that the feeling is clearly not reciprocated!
Thanks again, everyone, for your feedback! I appreciate it!

This is a problem. Your wedding party is not your staff. You should not be asking the to run errands or do chores for you ever, and certainly not on the day of the wedding.

cassgh · June 2014

AddieCake said:

What errands and jobs?

The place we are getting all of our floral arrangements from does not deliver so we need to have someone pick them up the morning of (its just the bouquets, corsages, etc. for the ceremony since we are doing an alternative to floral decorations at the reception). The location of our reception and our church is not allowing us to decorate until the morning of, also, since their facilities will both be in use the day before. So it's not like we are asking them to be our personal slaves. Our venues have just been, unfortunately, very difficult to work with, which means that a lot of things have fallen into our lap. Our attendants were the ones who approached us at a separate time of us asking them to be in our wedding party telling us that if we needed help with *insert whatever it was they were willing to help with* to just let them know.

My FH and I were fully prepared to do this on our own, but we definitely appreciate them volunteering to do this, that, or the other thing to help us out. We just want to make sure they are doing this safely and not inebriated when doing so.

KoriB2013 · June 2014

My FI and I have a few stoner friends in the wedding as well. Mainly his high school friends who we both love and adore no matter what. Our families just are NOT okay with drug use.

We haven't discussed with them the importance of their sobriety on the day of. I don't think we will have to, honestly. The morning of my FI and they guys will be doing 'guy stuff' all day, and should the opportunity to get high come up, it will be passed until they are no longer expected to stand for photos... So, reception time!

We're getting married in Washington - so it isn't illegal, but not okay with the families. I don't think OP is asking too much of them to maintain. This is one day for you and your fiance and your friends should respect that. Hopefully everything works out wonderfully and you don't feel the need to 'terminate your friendship' upon your return from the honeymoon!

Approaching the issue of alcohol and drug consumption before the ceremony

Re: Approaching the issue of alcohol and drug consumption before the ceremony

Choose Another Board

Search Boards