XP - Catholic Weddings

loveislouder · June 2014

I've done a lot of research but still don't get it - can someone explain to me what is going to/what needs to happen. FI is Catholic, and I'm not. Anyone?

JCbride2015 · June 2014

Damn this is when we really need @HisGirlFriday13. Paging @monkeysip?

theartistformerlyknownas · June 2014

What specifically are you confused on? You'll have to have your wedding in a Catholic church if he wants a Catholic wedding (i.e. not outside)... I believe you also have to agree to raise any kids Catholic, and that there are some other differences since you are not Catholic, i.e. there won't be a full nuptial Mass with Communion. You should really discuss this with your (your FI's) priest.

@HisGirlFriday13 we neeeeeeeed you!

lyndausvi · June 2014

Contact your parish priest or whatever church you are having the ceremony. They will guide you through the process. Even 2 life-long Catholics getting married have trouble figuring out what is needed.

One of you has to be a Catholic in good standing. I'm assuming your FI has been through confirmation and such. You will have to go through Pre-Cana classes. Those vary between weekly classes or one weekend long retreat.

Are you planning on converting yourself? Do you plan on raising future kids in the Catholic? Those are some questions you are going to be asked.

mysticl · June 2014

I echo the suggestion of sitting down with the priest.

Also, in a Catholic wedding you can't write your own vows, use just any music, or just any reading. There are lists of what is approved for use during the ceremony.

loveislouder · June 2014

Oh jeeze. That's the kind of stuff I was confused about. Plus I was worried about offended people's religions so I didn't want to say anything ignorant.

He absolutely wants to get married in a church, and I'm good with that. I've been to church before, just never actually had a religion, if that makes sense.

Fi doesn't have a priest from what I understand. He doesn't go to church every Sunday, but still considers himself to be Catholic.

My apologies here ladies and gents, I don't really understand religion. My apologies if that makes me ignorant.

theartistformerlyknownas · June 2014

loveislouder said:

Oh jeeze. That's the kind of stuff I was confused about. Plus I was worried about offended people's religions so I didn't want to say anything ignorant.

He absolutely wants to get married in a church, and I'm good with that. I've been to church before, just never actually had a religion, if that makes sense.

Fi doesn't have a priest from what I understand. He doesn't go to church every Sunday, but still considers himself to be Catholic.

My apologies here ladies and gents, I don't really understand religion. My apologies if that makes me ignorant.

He should probably start attending now to be considered "in good standing" with the Church. Is he a member anywhere? (i.e. in their logs as a member, even if he hasn't gone in a while.)

loveislouder · June 2014

Thanks @Fiantastic. I'm sure I'll come up with more questions for you :P Do you know if Catholic churches have dress codes - like no bare shoulders or does that vary by church?

@lolo883 I'm not sure. He was baptized and stuff. Would the church he was baptized in have him as a member?

KatieinBkln · June 2014

I guess I would say that since he's the Catholic, it's gonna be his job to figure out all the logistics and let you know. He might actually have some trouble finding a church/priest himself if he's not a member of a parish (I could be wrong about this). All I know is there are hoops--many people find the hoops worth jumping through, but others do something else.

My parents married almost 40 years ago and I want to say my mom's Methodist pastor actually officiated, but a priest from my dad's parish (or maybe a separate priest altogether) was present and said a prayer/blessing or two. It was by NO MEANS an officially recognized Catholic proceeding, but that wasn't terribly important to my dad. So if it's just the church aspect that matters to your FI you might be able to do something "halfway" in this vein.

CamiSelene · June 2014

Your FI will have to contact his priest, they will ask you a bunch of questions and you will have to agree to raise your children Catholic. You will have to go through marriage prep courses, as PP mentioned - it can be a week long retreat or a weekend/weeknight thing. You also must get married in the Catholic church, as lolo said. If you are planning on getting married in a church other than FI's local parish, you will have to have your priest fill out a request/permission thinger to send to the archdiocese.

I was originally planning on getting married in a town that fell under a different archdiocese and had to do a lot this hoop jumping... it wasn't until after arranging all this that FMIL got her claws into FI and told him she refused to sit through a Catholic wedding which in turn, changed his feelings about getting married in a church too (he's athiest)... Thanks FI! lol, I wasn't too torn up about it though because I wanted to get married outside and I will still have a couple personal hints of my faith in the wedding. I'm not too sure what you are confused about or what kind of information you are looking for, so I hope this helps!

mysticl · June 2014

loveislouder said:

Oh jeeze. That's the kind of stuff I was confused about. Plus I was worried about offended people's religions so I didn't want to say anything ignorant.

He absolutely wants to get married in a church, and I'm good with that. I've been to church before, just never actually had a religion, if that makes sense.

Fi doesn't have a priest from what I understand. He doesn't go to church every Sunday, but still considers himself to be Catholic.

My apologies here ladies and gents, I don't really understand religion. My apologies if that makes me ignorant.

It makes perfect sense to me since I'm in the same boat. Have you been to a Catholic Mass before? If not I suggest you go with your FI sometime, it will help you get a feel for everything.

lyndausvi · June 2014

loveislouder said:

Thanks @Fiantastic. I'm sure I'll come up with more questions for you :P Do you know if Catholic churches have dress codes - like no bare shoulders or does that vary by church?

@lolo883 I'm not sure. He was baptized and stuff. Would the church he was baptized in have him as a member?

most do not allow bare shoulders, but it does vary between dioceses. I've seen many Catholic brides wear a bolero at the church and take it off for the reception.

ETA - I should say that the dress code often is for the bride and bridal party. I've seen guest wear strapless dresses without issue. I've also been a BM with thin straps. So it really does vary.

theartistformerlyknownas · June 2014

flantastic said:

loveislouder said:

Thanks @Fiantastic. I'm sure I'll come up with more questions for you :P Do you know if Catholic churches have dress codes - like no bare shoulders or does that vary by church?

@lolo883 I'm not sure. He was baptized and stuff. Would the church he was baptized in have him as a member?

That does vary by who's the pastor of the church. My dress will be sleeveless with an illusion top and that's cool.
The church he was baptized in may not have him on their "active roster," but they will have a permanent record of his baptism, which he'll need to get from them if he wants to get married at a different church.
Edit: paragraphs

Do you know if he went through first communion (would have been when he was 7 or 8) and confirmation (as a teenager)? He needs for all 3 of those things to have happened in order to become a member; you don't just become one once you're baptised. If he hasn't done those additional 2 things, he's got some catching up to do.

monkeysip · June 2014

Seems like PPs covered everything.

I would talk to FI to make sure he wants to get married in the Catholic Church for the right reasons. He needs to promise to try his best to raise your future children Catholic, so that's a big commitment to make if he's not really practicing. Just make sure you both are pretty clear with each other on how you expect religion to play a role in your future.

Otherwise, I agree with PPs that he should handle most of the logistics here. Some parishes don't want to marry couples who aren't registered parishioners, so if he's not already registered somewhere, he should think about what parish he'd like to marry in, attend mass at, etc. and register there.

Rules about dress code, music, etc. can vary a lot from parish to parish, so it's best just to figure that out once you've chosen a place. Good luck!

CamiSelene · June 2014

loveislouder said:

Oh jeeze. That's the kind of stuff I was confused about. Plus I was worried about offended people's religions so I didn't want to say anything ignorant.

He absolutely wants to get married in a church, and I'm good with that. I've been to church before, just never actually had a religion, if that makes sense.

Fi doesn't have a priest from what I understand. He doesn't go to church every Sunday, but still considers himself to be Catholic.

My apologies here ladies and gents, I don't really understand religion. My apologies if that makes me ignorant.

loveislouder said:

Thanks @Fiantastic. I'm sure I'll come up with more questions for you :P Do you know if Catholic churches have dress codes - like no bare shoulders or does that vary by church?

@lolo883 I'm not sure. He was baptized and stuff. Would the church he was baptized in have him as a member?

To the first point, as lolo said, your FI will have to sign up as a member of a parish and start going to be "in good standing". My cousin was the same. He didn't go regularly but had to sign up and start going before getting married.

To the second, I've belonged to a few parishes in my day because I've moved a lot and I've never heard of a specific dress code. I'd like to assume people could use logical sense to dress for a church. That would be a question to as the priest though, as it may vary for some parishes.... I do recall a recent post on this board where a priest had an issue with a bride wearing a champagne coloured wedding gown.

To the third, the preist he was baptized in should have records of the baptism and his baptismal certificate (if he doesn't have his copy) which he may need. Did he go to that church as a child? In that case, they may have him as a member or they may not. You'd have to check.

melbelleup · June 2014

loveislouder said:

Oh jeeze. That's the kind of stuff I was confused about. Plus I was worried about offended people's religions so I didn't want to say anything ignorant.

He absolutely wants to get married in a church, and I'm good with that. I've been to church before, just never actually had a religion, if that makes sense.

Fi doesn't have a priest from what I understand. He doesn't go to church every Sunday, but still considers himself to be Catholic.

My apologies here ladies and gents, I don't really understand religion. My apologies if that makes me ignorant.

As long as both of you are committed to raising the children Catholic, they'll let you marry in the church. That being said, you'll have to probably do a marriage workshop (talks about finances, god, natural family planning). I actually enjoyed our marriage workshop, but depending on who you talk to and what happened depends on results. We also had to each do a survey and then discuss the differences with the priest we did our paperwork with.

If your baptized, you can still have an almost full ceremony (minus communion unless a big deal to your FI) but if you are not, then it's a blessing (like 10 minutes) instead. My FSIL actually converted because she wasn't baptized. My FI was baptized, but not catholic and I'm not making him convert- his choice not mine. That being said, although we're a mixed marriage for the wedding day, he has been thinking about converting recently. You do not have to convert if you do not want to (Don't do it just to have a church wedding)

Also about the dress code (saw it up there): It varies from church to church so it depends on the church. Most Catholic churches now a days do not care. My dress is strapless and no one has said anything to me about it, as are my bridesmaid dresses.

I suggest figuring out where you want to get married location wise, then find the catholic church in that city and talking to the priest. A lot of times, the marriage rules will be posted online from the church. Also, be prepared to need to pay to have your ceremony there. Mine is $500 for members (baptized, communion, confirmation) and $750 for non-members. That being said, every church is different in that sense as well.

In order to fill out the forms, you'll need a copy of both of your baptisms which the church you were baptized in will have this on file. We had to hunt for FI's but we were able to figure it out. I've only been a member of one church, which is the one we're marrying in.

mysticl · June 2014

lyndausvi said:

loveislouder said:

Thanks @Fiantastic. I'm sure I'll come up with more questions for you :P Do you know if Catholic churches have dress codes - like no bare shoulders or does that vary by church?

@lolo883 I'm not sure. He was baptized and stuff. Would the church he was baptized in have him as a member?

most do not allow bare shoulders, but it does vary between dioceses. I've seen many Catholic brides wear a bolero at the church and take it off for the reception.

ETA - I should say that the dress code often is for the bride and bridal party. I've seen guest wear strapless dresses without issue. I've also been a BM with thin straps. So it really does vary.

The bride and bridesmaids wore strapless dresses without any type of cover at the last Catholic wedding I went to. So, ask the priest who will be marrying you about the dress code for his church.

monkeysip · June 2014

melbelleup said:

loveislouder said:

Oh jeeze. That's the kind of stuff I was confused about. Plus I was worried about offended people's religions so I didn't want to say anything ignorant.

He absolutely wants to get married in a church, and I'm good with that. I've been to church before, just never actually had a religion, if that makes sense.

Fi doesn't have a priest from what I understand. He doesn't go to church every Sunday, but still considers himself to be Catholic.

My apologies here ladies and gents, I don't really understand religion. My apologies if that makes me ignorant.

As long as both of you are committed to raising the children Catholic, they'll let you marry in the church. That being said, you'll have to probably do a marriage workshop (talks about finances, god, natural family planning). I actually enjoyed our marriage workshop, but depending on who you talk to and what happened depends on results. We also had to each do a survey and then discuss the differences with the priest we did our paperwork with.

If your baptized, you can still have an almost full ceremony (minus communion unless a big deal to your FI) but if you are not, then it's a blessing (like 10 minutes) instead. My FSIL actually converted because she wasn't baptized. My FI was baptized, but not catholic and I'm not making him convert- his choice not mine. That being said, although we're a mixed marriage for the wedding day, he has been thinking about converting recently. You do not have to convert if you do not want to (Don't do it just to have a church wedding)

Also about the dress code (saw it up there): It varies from church to church so it depends on the church. Most Catholic churches now a days do not care. My dress is strapless and no one has said anything to me about it, as are my bridesmaid dresses.

I suggest figuring out where you want to get married location wise, then find the catholic church in that city and talking to the priest. A lot of times, the marriage rules will be posted online from the church. Also, be prepared to need to pay to have your ceremony there. Mine is $500 for members (baptized, communion, confirmation) and $750 for non-members. That being said, every church is different in that sense as well.

In order to fill out the forms, you'll need a copy of both of your baptisms which the church you were baptized in will have this on file. We had to hunt for FI's but we were able to figure it out. I've only been a member of one church, which is the one we're marrying in.

The bolded isn't true. Regardless of whether OP is baptized, the liturgy is still the same. No, there is no mass (so no communion), but it should still be a standard 30-45 minute liturgy.

The difference between a Catholic marrying a baptized person or a non-baptized person is 2-fold: 1) marrying a non-baptized person requires a dispensation from the bishop. This is usually very easy, and the priest will handle the paperwork. 2) the marriage is VALID but not SACRAMENTAL, since only baptized people can receive sacraments. But it's still a perfectly valid Catholic marriage.

monkeysip · June 2014

Here's another helpful website:

http://www.catholicweddinghelp.com

And to make a minor correction to what I just posted, the liturgy of marriage between a Catholic and non-baptized is *slightly* different, but almost identical in content and length to the liturgy of marriage between a Catholic and baptized. You can see more explanation here:

http://www.catholicweddinghelp.com/wedding-planning/05-wedding-form.htm#unbaptized

CMGragain · June 2014

It is not true that the OP has to agree to raise their children in the Catholic faith. She has to agree not to interfere with her FI raising his children in the Catholic faith.

OP, the Catholic church has many rules regarding marriage. Your FI needs to be married in the church, according to their rules, or he will not be able to practice his Catholic faith and receive the sacrament of the mass. This is a very big deal for Catholics, and it is very hard to fix.
It concerns me that the two of you have not discussed religion. This can be a very important part of marriage, especially if you plan to have children.
You will need to sign up for pre-cana classes, which are required before marriage in the Catholic church. You need to learn about your FI's faith if you are to be married. This is a lot more important than your dress. Have your FI call your local priest.

loveislouder · June 2014

@CMGragain We have discussed religion. We haven't decided on children yet, but we have agreed that he will take them to church and Sunday school. It's his religion, not mine and if that's what he wants it works for me. My apologies if I made it sounds like we never discussed it - we have, just neither of us have gotten married before, so we don't know the requirements.

audubonbride2013 · June 2014

I'll share my experience in case it helps. I'm Catholic. My H was raised Presbyterian but attends mass with me. I grew up in PA, but live in VA. We decided to get married in my hometown, but did our preparation where we currently live.

To start, I called the parish that married us. We met with the priest there, and he walked us through their parish's policies for the ceremony. He gave us a book with readings that he recommended and a list of paperwork we would need (a letter from my current parish, my baptismal certificate, proof of my H's baptism, marriage license).

Next, I registered with my current parish since I had never gotten around to registering. Then called that parish and set up our first meeting with the priest there. The priest had an introductory meeting with us. That parish required 5 meetings, attending a daylong pre-cana class, and taking the FOCCUS test. This parish had a dress code and did not allow bare shoulders. They also required flowers and decorations to be approved in advance since it was a historic church.

After we finished the requirements at our local parish, we met with the priest that was marrying us. At this meeting, we gave him the readings we chose and he answered any final questions. The priest married us in a nuptial mass, but my H could not receive Communion. This parish also didn't have a dress code, and I wore a strapless dress. The parish also only requires couples getting married there to attend a pre-cana, 2 meetings with the priest, and take the FOCCUS test.

We found both priests and parishes to be very helpful. If your FI calls the parish they will guide you through the process.

MobKaz · June 2014

lolo883 said:

What specifically are you confused on? You'll have to have your wedding in a Catholic church if he wants a Catholic wedding (i.e. not outside)... I believe you also have to agree to raise any kids Catholic, and that there are some other differences since you are not Catholic, i.e. there won't be a full nuptial Mass with Communion. You should really discuss this with your (your FI's) priest.

@HisGirlFriday13 we neeeeeeeed you!

Her FI can absolutely have a full nuptial mass and take Communion. The non Catholic will simply be offered a blessing in lieu of taking Communion.

theartistformerlyknownas · June 2014

MobKaz said:

lolo883 said:

What specifically are you confused on? You'll have to have your wedding in a Catholic church if he wants a Catholic wedding (i.e. not outside)... I believe you also have to agree to raise any kids Catholic, and that there are some other differences since you are not Catholic, i.e. there won't be a full nuptial Mass with Communion. You should really discuss this with your (your FI's) priest.

@HisGirlFriday13 we neeeeeeeed you!

Her FI can absolutely have a full nuptial mass and take Communion. The non Catholic will simply be offered a blessing in lieu of taking Communion.

Oh ok I stand corrected. I hadn't seen that before.

jenndeirdre · June 2014

I'm not catholic( technically my family is), but FI is. We already talked to the priest if there is anything I need to do to be married and thankfully not, my fi had me worried I'd need to get baptized and other stuff. We do have our prep course in April to go to. My kids were baptized last year, and my son goes to cathetism but I've never been in the church. I always find it awkward at catholic weddings with the blessing yourself and communion(blessing), because I don't do them and would I have to partake in them when we get married?

atlastmrsg · June 2014

Talk to the priest. If it's a known conservative parish, maybe try a priest at a more liberal parish.

My husband and I are both Catholic. We wanted our wedding to be legit in case we have children, but had no desire to do it inside a church or have a full ceremony with the host (ie: have communion) present.

We contacted the first priest in Louisville who came out in support of the GLBT community because we knew he'd be more liberal, and because a close friend of my family knew him personally. We took him out to breakfast and explained that we're happy in our faith, but we'd been living together for three years and weren't going to do all the pre-marital counseling because the gig's up. He laughed and said he didn't really think the counseling makes a difference anyway! He just confirmed that I wasn't pregnant and neither of us had been married previously before proceeding with planning the event. He married us outside at a horse farm. It was a 12 minute ceremony--just remarks, prayer, vows, blessing, and done. I know we couldn't have gotten this from our home parish priest.

Outdoors is okay by some more liberal priests if the host will not be administered.

Point is: pick the right priest. Some are more liberal than others if you don't want the hour-long, stand/kneel/stand/kneel ceremony with the awkward moment for non-Catholics when they don't know whether to go up for communion or not.

Yup...this is a real Catholic priest...marrying us outdoors. Technically Catholic wedding...check! Guests happy it wasn't a full mass...check!

NYCBruin · June 2014

flantastic said:

Talk to the priest. If it's a known conservative parish, maybe try a priest at a more liberal parish.

My husband and I are both Catholic. We wanted our wedding to be legit in case we have children, but had no desire to do it inside a church or have a full ceremony with the host (ie: have communion) present.

We contacted the first priest in Louisville who came out in support of the GLBT community because we knew he'd be more liberal, and because a close friend of my family knew him personally. We took him out to breakfast and explained that we're happy in our faith, but we'd been living together for three years and weren't going to do all the pre-marital counseling because the gig's up. He laughed and said he didn't really think the counseling makes a difference anyway! He just confirmed that I wasn't pregnant and neither of us had been married previously before proceeding with planning the event. He married us outside at a horse farm. It was a 12 minute ceremony--just remarks, prayer, vows, blessing, and done. I know we couldn't have gotten this from our home parish priest.

Outdoors is okay by some more liberal priests if the host will not be administered.

Point is: pick the right priest. Some are more liberal than others if you don't want the hour-long, stand/kneel/stand/kneel ceremony with the awkward moment for non-Catholics when they don't know whether to go up for communion or not.

Yup...this is a real Catholic priest...marrying us outdoors. Technically Catholic wedding...check! Guests happy it wasn't a full mass...check!

Yeah... this is rogue priest behavior, unless he worked really hard to advocate for you guys to the bishop and got you a dispensation to have it outdoors (Mass or no Mass). The Church will still recognize your marriage, especially if you clearly didn't know that he wasn't supposed to be doing this, but to OP and lurkers, don't count on this as a plan of action for a "technically Catholic wedding." Sorry, @atlastmrsg.

To the bolded: What was the reasoning there? I'm genuinely curious.

Edit: boxes

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Yeah, this priest definitely broke several rules.

As far as the wanting the "legit" marriage for your children's sake, I imagine this has to do with wanting their children to be baptized. For lurkers, you can have your children baptized even if you weren't married in the church (trust me, I'm a Catholic whose parents broke the rules). However, I never really understood this line of thinking, why do you want to raise your children Catholic (and more importantly, how do you plan to do so) if you yourselves don't practice/believe?

theartistformerlyknownas · June 2014

NYCBruin said:

flantastic said:

Talk to the priest. If it's a known conservative parish, maybe try a priest at a more liberal parish.

My husband and I are both Catholic. We wanted our wedding to be legit in case we have children, but had no desire to do it inside a church or have a full ceremony with the host (ie: have communion) present.

We contacted the first priest in Louisville who came out in support of the GLBT community because we knew he'd be more liberal, and because a close friend of my family knew him personally. We took him out to breakfast and explained that we're happy in our faith, but we'd been living together for three years and weren't going to do all the pre-marital counseling because the gig's up. He laughed and said he didn't really think the counseling makes a difference anyway! He just confirmed that I wasn't pregnant and neither of us had been married previously before proceeding with planning the event. He married us outside at a horse farm. It was a 12 minute ceremony--just remarks, prayer, vows, blessing, and done. I know we couldn't have gotten this from our home parish priest.

Outdoors is okay by some more liberal priests if the host will not be administered.

Point is: pick the right priest. Some are more liberal than others if you don't want the hour-long, stand/kneel/stand/kneel ceremony with the awkward moment for non-Catholics when they don't know whether to go up for communion or not.

Yup...this is a real Catholic priest...marrying us outdoors. Technically Catholic wedding...check! Guests happy it wasn't a full mass...check!

Yeah... this is rogue priest behavior, unless he worked really hard to advocate for you guys to the bishop and got you a dispensation to have it outdoors (Mass or no Mass). The Church will still recognize your marriage, especially if you clearly didn't know that he wasn't supposed to be doing this, but to OP and lurkers, don't count on this as a plan of action for a "technically Catholic wedding." Sorry, @atlastmrsg.

To the bolded: What was the reasoning there? I'm genuinely curious.
Edit: boxes

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Yeah, this priest definitely broke several rules.

As far as the wanting the "legit" marriage for your children's sake, I imagine this has to do with wanting their children to be baptized. For lurkers, you can have your children baptized even if you weren't married in the church (trust me, I'm a Catholic whose parents broke the rules). However, I never really understood this line of thinking, why do you want to raise your children Catholic (and more importantly, how do you plan to do so) if you yourselves don't practice/believe?

Honestly... I've considered having future kids baptised/raised Catholic because of how awesome the Catholic education system is in our area versus the shitty public schools. FI and all of his cousins went through Catholic schools all 12 years (and quite a few of them on to Notre Dame) and had really good experiences. It's tempting.

cupcait927 · June 2014

lolo883 said:

NYCBruin said:

flantastic said:

Talk to the priest. If it's a known conservative parish, maybe try a priest at a more liberal parish.

My husband and I are both Catholic. We wanted our wedding to be legit in case we have children, but had no desire to do it inside a church or have a full ceremony with the host (ie: have communion) present.

We contacted the first priest in Louisville who came out in support of the GLBT community because we knew he'd be more liberal, and because a close friend of my family knew him personally. We took him out to breakfast and explained that we're happy in our faith, but we'd been living together for three years and weren't going to do all the pre-marital counseling because the gig's up. He laughed and said he didn't really think the counseling makes a difference anyway! He just confirmed that I wasn't pregnant and neither of us had been married previously before proceeding with planning the event. He married us outside at a horse farm. It was a 12 minute ceremony--just remarks, prayer, vows, blessing, and done. I know we couldn't have gotten this from our home parish priest.

Outdoors is okay by some more liberal priests if the host will not be administered.

Point is: pick the right priest. Some are more liberal than others if you don't want the hour-long, stand/kneel/stand/kneel ceremony with the awkward moment for non-Catholics when they don't know whether to go up for communion or not.

Yup...this is a real Catholic priest...marrying us outdoors. Technically Catholic wedding...check! Guests happy it wasn't a full mass...check!

Yeah... this is rogue priest behavior, unless he worked really hard to advocate for you guys to the bishop and got you a dispensation to have it outdoors (Mass or no Mass). The Church will still recognize your marriage, especially if you clearly didn't know that he wasn't supposed to be doing this, but to OP and lurkers, don't count on this as a plan of action for a "technically Catholic wedding." Sorry, @atlastmrsg.

To the bolded: What was the reasoning there? I'm genuinely curious.
Edit: boxes

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Yeah, this priest definitely broke several rules.

As far as the wanting the "legit" marriage for your children's sake, I imagine this has to do with wanting their children to be baptized. For lurkers, you can have your children baptized even if you weren't married in the church (trust me, I'm a Catholic whose parents broke the rules). However, I never really understood this line of thinking, why do you want to raise your children Catholic (and more importantly, how do you plan to do so) if you yourselves don't practice/believe?

Honestly... I've considered having future kids baptised/raised Catholic because of how awesome the Catholic education system is in our area versus the shitty public schools. FI and all of his cousins went through Catholic schools all 12 years (and quite a few of them on to Notre Dame) and had really good experiences. It's tempting.

FI, FSIL, and all of their cousins went to the Catholic school in our area K-8 (no Catholic high school available in our town) and they got a fabulous education. Our public schools are good (or they were when I went) but I'd love to send our kids to Catholic school if we could afford it.

NYCBruin · June 2014

lolo883 said:

NYCBruin said:

flantastic said:

Talk to the priest. If it's a known conservative parish, maybe try a priest at a more liberal parish.

My husband and I are both Catholic. We wanted our wedding to be legit in case we have children, but had no desire to do it inside a church or have a full ceremony with the host (ie: have communion) present.

We contacted the first priest in Louisville who came out in support of the GLBT community because we knew he'd be more liberal, and because a close friend of my family knew him personally. We took him out to breakfast and explained that we're happy in our faith, but we'd been living together for three years and weren't going to do all the pre-marital counseling because the gig's up. He laughed and said he didn't really think the counseling makes a difference anyway! He just confirmed that I wasn't pregnant and neither of us had been married previously before proceeding with planning the event. He married us outside at a horse farm. It was a 12 minute ceremony--just remarks, prayer, vows, blessing, and done. I know we couldn't have gotten this from our home parish priest.

Outdoors is okay by some more liberal priests if the host will not be administered.

Point is: pick the right priest. Some are more liberal than others if you don't want the hour-long, stand/kneel/stand/kneel ceremony with the awkward moment for non-Catholics when they don't know whether to go up for communion or not.

Yup...this is a real Catholic priest...marrying us outdoors. Technically Catholic wedding...check! Guests happy it wasn't a full mass...check!

Yeah... this is rogue priest behavior, unless he worked really hard to advocate for you guys to the bishop and got you a dispensation to have it outdoors (Mass or no Mass). The Church will still recognize your marriage, especially if you clearly didn't know that he wasn't supposed to be doing this, but to OP and lurkers, don't count on this as a plan of action for a "technically Catholic wedding." Sorry, @atlastmrsg.

To the bolded: What was the reasoning there? I'm genuinely curious.
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Yeah, this priest definitely broke several rules.

As far as the wanting the "legit" marriage for your children's sake, I imagine this has to do with wanting their children to be baptized. For lurkers, you can have your children baptized even if you weren't married in the church (trust me, I'm a Catholic whose parents broke the rules). However, I never really understood this line of thinking, why do you want to raise your children Catholic (and more importantly, how do you plan to do so) if you yourselves don't practice/believe?

Honestly... I've considered having future kids baptised/raised Catholic because of how awesome the Catholic education system is in our area versus the shitty public schools. FI and all of his cousins went through Catholic schools all 12 years (and quite a few of them on to Notre Dame) and had really good experiences. It's tempting.

Just FYI, being Catholic is not a requirement to attend Catholic school as far as I know (although maybe the schools in your area are different). Obviously the education includes Catholic teachings, but it's not a requirement that you or your children be Catholic.

melbelleup · June 2014

monkeysip said:

melbelleup said:

loveislouder said:

Oh jeeze. That's the kind of stuff I was confused about. Plus I was worried about offended people's religions so I didn't want to say anything ignorant.

He absolutely wants to get married in a church, and I'm good with that. I've been to church before, just never actually had a religion, if that makes sense.

Fi doesn't have a priest from what I understand. He doesn't go to church every Sunday, but still considers himself to be Catholic.

My apologies here ladies and gents, I don't really understand religion. My apologies if that makes me ignorant.

As long as both of you are committed to raising the children Catholic, they'll let you marry in the church. That being said, you'll have to probably do a marriage workshop (talks about finances, god, natural family planning). I actually enjoyed our marriage workshop, but depending on who you talk to and what happened depends on results. We also had to each do a survey and then discuss the differences with the priest we did our paperwork with.

If your baptized, you can still have an almost full ceremony (minus communion unless a big deal to your FI) but if you are not, then it's a blessing (like 10 minutes) instead. My FSIL actually converted because she wasn't baptized. My FI was baptized, but not catholic and I'm not making him convert- his choice not mine. That being said, although we're a mixed marriage for the wedding day, he has been thinking about converting recently. You do not have to convert if you do not want to (Don't do it just to have a church wedding)

Also about the dress code (saw it up there): It varies from church to church so it depends on the church. Most Catholic churches now a days do not care. My dress is strapless and no one has said anything to me about it, as are my bridesmaid dresses.

I suggest figuring out where you want to get married location wise, then find the catholic church in that city and talking to the priest. A lot of times, the marriage rules will be posted online from the church. Also, be prepared to need to pay to have your ceremony there. Mine is $500 for members (baptized, communion, confirmation) and $750 for non-members. That being said, every church is different in that sense as well.

In order to fill out the forms, you'll need a copy of both of your baptisms which the church you were baptized in will have this on file. We had to hunt for FI's but we were able to figure it out. I've only been a member of one church, which is the one we're marrying in.

The bolded isn't true. Regardless of whether OP is baptized, the liturgy is still the same. No, there is no mass (so no communion), but it should still be a standard 30-45 minute liturgy.

The difference between a Catholic marrying a baptized person or a non-baptized person is 2-fold: 1) marrying a non-baptized person requires a dispensation from the bishop. This is usually very easy, and the priest will handle the paperwork. 2) the marriage is VALID but not SACRAMENTAL, since only baptized people can receive sacraments. But it's still a perfectly valid Catholic marriage.

@monkeysip Really? My priest told my brother and FSIL otherwise... interesting! Thanks for the knowledge.

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