Having our toddler son in the wedding? Ring bearer? Walk me down the aisle?

jenndeirdre · June 2014

My kids will be in a wedding this summer when they are 7yrs and 17 months old. They'll also be in my wedding next year at 8 and 2 1/2. They will most likely hold hands together going down the aisle, but that will be their only part of it.

VulgarGirl · June 2014

I was almost 12 when my dad and step-mom got married. My brothers were 6 and 3, the only thing we did during the wedding was the Irish blessing I mentioned earlier. The plan was for all three of us to go up and do the reading and then go back and sit down. In reality I'd be reading most of it, my 6 y/o brother some of it, and my 3 y/o brother would stand there looking cute.

So day of the wedding comes and we're in our seats everything as gone good so far. Officiant says "At this time the children of Dad and Step-Mom will read the traditional Irish blessing" and we go to get up, 3 y/o brother is having none of it. He's all cowered down in his seat so I just shrug take my other brother's hand and go up. I ended up reading the whole thing because it turns out someone (6 y/o brother) has stage fright.

To this day, the youngest one refuses to believe he didn't want to be the center of attention and that we left him sitting there on purpose. The older one firmly believes his stage fright was real because it still is.

soontobemrshamilton · June 2014

I know some people on here have kids, but for those of you that don't, it may be hard to understand all this. I know you have your opinions, but opinions and thoughts change after you have children. I probably would have dreaded the thought at children at my wedding before I had my son.

I think what would be best for my child is to be at our wedding. Of course I WANT my son at the wedding. If things don't go well or he's uncomfortable, we will then have taken to a quiet area and/or maybe even have him go home, depending on what's going on. If my son is in any dis-stress, I wouldn't keep my son there.

I know age plays a factor, but could you imagine not having your mom or dad at your wedding? Same thing with my son!

Maggie0829 · June 2014

soontobemrshamilton said:

I know some people on here have kids, but for those of you that don't, it may be hard to understand all this. I know you have your opinions, but opinions and thoughts change after you have children. I probably would have dreaded the thought at children at my wedding before I had my son.

I think what would be best for my child is to be at our wedding. Of course I WANT my son at the wedding. If things don't go well or he's uncomfortable, we will then have taken to a quiet area and/or maybe even have him go home, depending on what's going on. If my son is in any dis-stress, I wouldn't keep my son there.

I know age plays a factor, but could you imagine not having your mom or dad at your wedding? Same thing with my son!

No one is saying to not have your son there. All we are saying that sometimes it is best to just have them sit quietly in the audience with a grandparent rather then playing a part in the wedding. It just seems like that route would be less stressful for everyone involved.

soontobemrshamilton · June 2014

Like I said, we probably won't be adding our son into our vows, but hopefully we will have him walk down the aisle. That's it, not a big deal. If the day comes and he doesn't want to do it, so be it! We are used to that now these days.

VulgarGirl · June 2014

soontobemrshamilton said:

Like I said, we probably won't be adding our son into our vows, but hopefully we will have him walk down the aisle. That's it, not a big deal. If the day comes and he doesn't want to do it, so be it! We are used to that know these days.

I think as long as you keep that attitude, all will go well. Just like when my brother hid in his seat, no big deal, wedding went on.

Jen4948 · June 2014

soontobemrshamilton said:

I know some people on here have kids, but for those of you that don't, it may be hard to understand all this. I know you have your opinions, but opinions and thoughts change after you have children.

Not everyone has to have children to have a valid opinion about children. Nor do they have to have children to "understand all this." It's a condescending attitude that those persons who don't have children find very off-putting. While the world doesn't revolve around those who don't have children, neither does it revolve around those who do.

It would, in fact, be helpful for those who do have children to understand and respect the perspectives of those who do not if they want their own perspectives to be understood and respected.

soontobemrshamilton · June 2014

All I am saying is it's amazing how your opinions change after having children. So it may be a little harder for you to understand why I or someone else would want their child in their wedding.

Nothing wrong with what I said!

Jen4948 · June 2014

soontobemrshamilton said:

All I am saying is it's amazing how your opinions change after having children. So it may be a little harder for you to understand why I or someone else would want their child in their wedding.

Nothing wrong with what I said!

You know what you do or don't understand and how your opinions changed after you had a child. But it is not reasonable for you to project this onto everyone else. Everyone's perspectives, experiences, and views are different. A childless person may have exactly the same opinions as you, and someone else with children may see things differently. And for those who may never be able to have children, it is really hurtful to hear someone casually toss off "You'll understand when you have children."

AddieCake · June 2014

I agree. I get mildly offended when people play the you don't get it because you don't have kids card.

CMGragain · June 2014

I was a stage child. From the time I could walk, my parents put me on display. My childhood is full of memories of being forced to do something or other so that my parents could bask in the attention. Piano lessons at age 3. Singing lessons. Dancing lessons. Acting lessons. Modeling classes.
I was also a teacher of pre-school children for five years, and I am very sensitive to the needs of children
Of course you three year old should be present at your wedding! Of course you should have pictures taken of him with you. Asking a three year old to walk down the aisle by himself in front of a lot of people is very different than walking with Mommy, holding her hand, or walking with Grandma.

doeydo · June 2014

My FI was 3 or 4 when he was a ring bearer for his aunt's wedding. He missed a nap that day, apparently, so he was already cranky. When they wanted him to walk down the aisle he started crying and had a breakdown. They ended up making him walk with the flower girl, but he was not a happy camper. I think he would have been much better off to just be a guest and sit with his mom and not be 'in the spotlight' when going down the aisle. Just an example of what I believe to be people using children for their "cuteness" factor rather than what the child would actually prefer.

kaos16 · June 2014

OP, you really aren't in a unique situation, no matter how many times you have said so is this discussion. Plenty of women get married after having children. A lot of the knotties answering your question are likely mothers and may have been at the time they got married. You are not the only woman to have a child and even those if us without children (whether by choice or not) know children and how children act.

Kind of unrelated, I just read an article the other day about how detrimental it can be to put all of your focus on a child or children and forget about your spouse. On a wedding day especially, I think it should be all about the love between husband and wife, not the kids

emmaaa · June 2014

When Fi's grandparents got married (technically his step-grandparents) he was probably 2 or 3. They did not have any children in the wedding so he was supposed to sit with his dad. Well apparently he was in a very friendly mood that day and wanted to go see the preacher (this was the church his family attended and the preacher was known to carry FI around while giving his sermon). He kept crawling around the pews, under the pews, up the aisle. You can hear his little knees on the floor in the wedding video. Did this ruin his grandparents' wedding? No. They actually joke about it on a regular basis. Now that FI and I are getting married in the same church by the same preacher, they say they are going to crawl around on the floor during the ceremony.

My point is, things are going to happen. It may be a fussy child or a drunken uncle. You never know. I think as long as OP knows that things with her toddler may not happen as planned, then it will turn out fine.

Also OP, many married couples don't have children and may plan to never have children. That doesn't mean they don't understand or that their opinions on certain situations will ever change. There are couples that have already had a child or multiple children when they get married. They may still have a different opinion than you and feel differently about the role a child should play in adult situations.

cupcait927 · June 2014

I think a lot of this is being over-thought. Best bet at the age of 3 - just have him walk down the aisle with someone he's comfortable with and sit in the front row with family.

Example - My best friend and her husband had a child before they were married. I believe he was around age 2 1/2 when they tied the knot. Instead of having him as a ring bearer, BFF's husband wanted their son as a groomsman. They paired him up with his aunt (SIL of my BFF) and she simply carried him down the aisle, rather than having him walk with her. He stood next to his dad for a little bit and about half way through the ceremony he got tired and asked to play "Angry Birds". Everyone chuckled and he went to sit with his grandparents and happily played on dad's cell phone for the rest of the ceremony. NBD. Didn't ruin the ceremony and he certainly wasn't used as a prop. Just have a plan for how to handle any behavior issues that may arise.

kimnf · June 2014

This is the second marriage for both of us, and our son will be 19 months at our wedding next year. My older two will be 20 and 14, and I plan on having all 3 of them walk me down the aisle, then sit (we are not having a wedding party). If when the time comes he is not having it, I'll just have him sit with grandma instead of walking. If it's important to you to incorporate him, I think having him walk with you or as a ring bearer are great ideas!

iloveu4ever · June 2014

I agree. Why not have someone walk with him if he is ring bearer.

kimberly0315 · June 2014

When we get married next March our daughter will be 2.5. We will have her be the flower girl, but if she doesn't want to walk down the isle alone then she can walk with me and my father. We are getting married in Hawaii and our daughter will be a part of the lei ceremony we do. I think that it's up to you how and if you include your child in your ceremony. I also completely understand the "judgement" some people are giving. Our daughter was a planned pregnancy and my FI is the father. Just because it's non always what others perceive as normal or traditional they feel they get to judge and make assumptions. It's shitty really. Enjoy your day as a family! It will be perfect.

Having our toddler son in the wedding? Ring bearer? Walk me down the aisle?

Re: Having our toddler son in the wedding? Ring bearer? Walk me down the aisle?

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