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Using married woman's first name

kns1988kns1988 member
First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
in Wedding Invitations & Paper
I'm sure this is answered somewhere on here, but I don't have it in me to dig through pages right now. Can someone please tell me whether the knot is correct in this advice?  It says to use this for a married couple on the outer envelope: Mr. John and Mrs. Samantha Holt.  I know I could address as Mr. and Mrs. John Holt, but I prefer to keep the woman's first name.  Is the knot right on this one?
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Re: Using married woman's first name

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    NYCMercedesNYCMercedes member
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    kns1988 said:
    I'm sure this is answered somewhere on here, but I don't have it in me to dig through pages right now. Can someone please tell me whether the knot is correct in this advice?  It says to use this for a married couple on the outer envelope: Mr. John and Mrs. Samantha Holt.  I know I could address as Mr. and Mrs. John Holt, but I prefer to keep the woman's first name.  Is the knot right on this one?

    I disagree, but I'm very traditional.
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    CMGragainCMGragain member
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    edited June 2014
    It is not really your decision how to address someone.  Traditional people prefer Mr. and Mrs. John Doe.  An alternate form is Ms. Jane Doe and Mr. John Doe.
    The women's movement was not meant to change etiquette.  Just to give women a choice.  Your enforcing your views on other people is no better than the old way, where everyone used the same form of address.
    The form you are suggesting is incorrect by anyone's rules.  Check Crane's or Emily Post.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
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    tammym1001tammym1001 member
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    That is not the correct way to address a married couple. The man's first name is not supposed to be separated from his last name. I believe pp's gave you some ideas on how to address it with the woman's first name using Ms., but I wanted to caution you on using this. It may be best for you to find out how the people you are sending invitations to prefer to be addressed. Ms. and Mrs. aren't really as interchangeable as people like to believe they are. I'm a Mrs. and that's how I would expect to be addressed. Ms. to me implies I'm divorced or didn't take my husband's last name which isn't the case.
    image
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    NYCMercedesNYCMercedes member
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    I agree with @tammym1001. If you call me Ms, then you don't know me and wasn't courteous enough to ask me what I want to be called.
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    CMGragainCMGragain member
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    edited June 2014
    tammym1001 said:
    That is not the correct way to address a married couple. The man's first name is not supposed to be separated from his last name. I believe pp's gave you some ideas on how to address it with the woman's first name using Ms., but I wanted to caution you on using this. It may be best for you to find out how the people you are sending invitations to prefer to be addressed. Ms. and Mrs. aren't really as interchangeable as people like to believe they are. I'm a Mrs. and that's how I would expect to be addressed. Ms. to me implies I'm divorced or didn't take my husband's last name which isn't the case.
    Ms. has NEVER meant divorced!  NEVER!  It means female.  On the other hand, Mrs. Jane Doe is often used by divorced ladies, especially if they have children.
    As I have posted before, there is a difference between your name and your formal title.  My NAME is Jane Doe.  My title is Mrs. John Doe.  I prefer that mail is addressed to me using my formal title.
    In Britain, Kate Windsor is addressed as H.R.H. The Duchess of Cambridge.  She did not lose her name when she married, but no one would dream of addressing her as Kate Windsor!
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
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    Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
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    I think you should address your invites according to how your guests like to be addressed.  But you shouldn't address them how you think women should be addressed.

    For example, when H and I get an invite I don't mind if it is addressed Mr. and Mrs. LastName but I would not be happy if I received an invite, to say a bridal shower, addressed Mrs. H's FirstName LastName.  I know that may be the "correct" or "traditional" way but to address me with my H's full name is a bit ridiculous to me and would irritate me.

    So in the end, address things according to how people like being addressed.  If you don't know then going with the "traditional" wording would be the best course of action, unless of course, you want to ask each guest what they prefer.

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    tammym1001tammym1001 member
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    CMGragain said:
    tammym1001 said:
    That is not the correct way to address a married couple. The man's first name is not supposed to be separated from his last name. I believe pp's gave you some ideas on how to address it with the woman's first name using Ms., but I wanted to caution you on using this. It may be best for you to find out how the people you are sending invitations to prefer to be addressed. Ms. and Mrs. aren't really as interchangeable as people like to believe they are. I'm a Mrs. and that's how I would expect to be addressed. Ms. to me implies I'm divorced or didn't take my husband's last name which isn't the case.
    Ms. has NEVER meant divorced!  NEVER!  It means female.  On the other hand, Mrs. Jane Doe is often used by divorced ladies, especially if they have children.
    As I have posted before, there is a difference between your name and your formal title.  My NAME is Jane Doe.  My title is Mrs. John Doe.  I prefer that mail is addressed to me using my formal title.
    In Britain, Kate Windsor is addressed as H.R.H. The Duchess of Cambridge.  She did not lose her name when she married, but no one would dream of addressing her as Kate Windsor!
    That's good to know. I don't know any divorced women who still use Mrs. so that's why I've always thought of Ms. as for divorced women. That is what they all go by.
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    kns1988kns1988 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    Thanks for the advice. Although I am a feminist and I would prefer that my first name be used, enforcing my views on others wasn't the intention of this post. I was updating my guest list spreadsheet and it felt awkward for me to write Mr. and Mrs. HisFirstName LastName for my cousin when I've never met her husband. I was looking for a way to include her first name on the invitation, too. 
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    itsmestacey123itsmestacey123 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper

    This is probably totally against etiquette or grammar rules or something but I prefer this way:

     Mr. & Mrs. John and Samantha Holt

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    CMGragainCMGragain member
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    itsmestacey123 said:

    This is probably totally against etiquette or grammar rules or something but I prefer this way:

     Mr. & Mrs. John and Samantha Holt

    Yes, it is incorrect.  You should never separate the man's first and last name.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
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    CrazyCatLady3CrazyCatLady3 member
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    CMGragain said:
    itsmestacey123 said:

    This is probably totally against etiquette or grammar rules or something but I prefer this way:

     Mr. & Mrs. John and Samantha Holt

    Yes, it is incorrect.  You should never separate the man's first and last name.
    Why not? Why can't the man's name be separated and the woman's name can? Is the man's name more important than the woman's name? I did this for my invitations. (Mr. & Mrs. John and Jane Smith). If I were addressed as Mrs. John Smith I'd be super irritated.
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    itsmestacey123itsmestacey123 member
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    @crazycatlady3 I did mine that way too, because that's the way I liked it and the way I prefer to be addressed.  I guess I just don't care if it's "correct" or not.  Who will even know or notice the difference?  I'm sure I've broken most of the "rules" discussed on the boards and I'm OK with that! :)
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    CrazyCatLady3CrazyCatLady3 member
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    itsmestacey123 said:
    @crazycatlady3 I did mine that way too, because that's the way I liked it and the way I prefer to be addressed.  I guess I just don't care if it's "correct" or not.  Who will even know or notice the difference?  I'm sure I've broken most of the "rules" discussed on the boards and I'm OK with that! :)
    The "old" way is merely tradition from when women were taken from the care of their fathers to the care of their husbands.  Similar to the tradition of "giving" a bride "away," which many brides no longer include in their weddings, and we always advise that that is a-okay.  If I know for a fact that someone really wants to be addressed the traditional way I will do it, but it is absolutely not my default.
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    CMGragainCMGragain member
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    You are asking "Why not?"  Sorry, but all I can do is to quote authorities.  This isn't my personal opinion.  See Crane's Invitation Etiquette or Emily Post.  I doubt Miss Manners would even consider this question, since she is very traditional.
    Like I posted earlier, if you include the woman's first name, correct form is Ms. Jane Doe and Mr. John Doe. Both persons get a last name.  Either you care about doing it correctly, or you don't.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
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