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Private Official Ceremony Months before "real" Wedding

ajanebyajaneby member
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in Wedding Vows & Ceremony Discussions
My fiance and I got engaged in April 2013 and have been planning our wedding for August 2014. Our pastor has a contract that he needs us to sign in order for him to marry us, saying that we will not live together until after the wedding. We had been planning on moving in together within the next couple months. Financially, we need to move in together as we are both paying separate rent. 
Our pastor gave us the idea of having a small, private ceremony in about a month or two so that we can be legally married and then move in together. We would still plan the big wedding in August. I plan on sending out a short letter with the Save-the-Dates telling everyone that we're married, and that they are invited to our marriage celebration in August. 
My idea was that we would still have something like a ceremony in August, but would that feel too fake and would it confuse people? I want to wear my wedding dress, walk down the aisle with my Dad and exchange vows in front of all of our family and friends. I want that "normal" wedding ceremony. I feel like our pastor could explain it in a nice way during the ceremony and include the family and friends in on supporting us as a couple with our relationship. I just don't want to confuse people and I am definitely not keeping this a secret - everyone will know beforehand. 
I know a lot of people will have opinions on this, but every situation is different, so please keep that in mind when you give me your thoughts. Thanks!
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Re: Private Official Ceremony Months before "real" Wedding

  • doeydodoeydo member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Your real wedding is the day you and your FI get married/wed and become husband and wife.  Please read grumbledore's post: http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/996776/legally-married-now-having-a-real-wedding-stop-here-first-aka-the-ppd-faq-thread/p1
    image
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  • ajanebyajaneby member
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    I just read that link that you posted and it has some very good points which I understand. I guess more thinking/deciding is in plan at this point. 
    I could just get a new officiant - and my family will just have to deal with that I guess. 
    Thanks for the reply!
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    I'd get a new officiant and not have a "legal" wedding followed by another wedding.  But whatever you do, your shouldn't lie to your family and pretend not to be married when you are.
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  • ElcaBElcaB member
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    edited November 2013
    Either get a different officiant or move everything, including the white dress, vows, and reception up. 
    image
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  • manateehuggermanateehugger member
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    I speak from experience: yes, it will feel fake, because it will be just a day you dressed up, not the day you emotionally, legally, and spiritually committed yourself to your husband. Don't you want that aisle moment to be the moment you see the man you love right before he becomes your husband?

    Find a new officiant or expedite your entire wedding. An officiant is not worth a fake wedding, IMO. And shame on your pastor!
    image
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  • MobKazMobKaz member
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    ajaneby said:
    I just read that link that you posted and it has some very good points which I understand. I guess more thinking/deciding is in plan at this point. 
    I could just get a new officiant - and my family will just have to deal with that I guess. 
    Thanks for the reply!
    You have restored my faith in humanity, @ajaneby.
    image

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  • STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
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    Oh please this is such bs. No. No it isn't okay to get married, move in together, and then have the audacity to expect people to celebrate your fake wedding 8 months later. Find a new pastor, don't move in together, or cancel your pretty pretty princess day. Its called being a grownup.
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  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
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    Ditto on finding a new officiant. 
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
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    Your current pastor sucks.  Get a new officiant and have your wedding in August like you are planning.

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  • thejucheideathejucheidea member
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    I just can't imagine someone telling grown-ass women and men to sign a CONTRACT regarding their living arrangements. That's absolutely ludicrous. Where does he get off doing that? jfc.

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  • arrippaarrippa member
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    thejucheidea said:
    I just can't imagine someone telling grown-ass women and men to sign a CONTRACT regarding their living arrangements. That's absolutely ludicrous. Where does he get off doing that? jfc.

    While our pastor doesn't make us sign a contract, he will NOT marry a couple who are living together. But thankfully, he has never mentioned (to my knowledge) that a couple get secretly married and lie about it. I would be outraged if he did.
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  • Angeles61Angeles61 member
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    scribe95 said:
    Look I think this plan is ludicrous. But let's at least get the facts straight. The OP never said the priest said to lie about it and she made clear she would not lie about it.
    This!
    Yeah, her pastor told her to do a PPD. It was clear she wasn't planning on lying about it, which is repeatedly said to be "the worst part of a PPD." Just tell her to get a new officiant and be done with it, since he's the one that gave her this silly idea anyways. 

    OP, please find a new officiant/move your wedding up. It's just not a good idea and your officiant is a dork. ;)
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  • thejucheideathejucheidea member
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    I grow increasingly happy that a friend married us instead of a priest who might feel the need to tell us how to live our lives when it comes to our social and financial setup. One of my friends had a priest like this, and they actually had to end up leaving their church because the pastor had the audacity to tell them that he didn't feel like the date they chose was an acceptable date after he 'prayed on it' for awhile, and when they insisted that they wanted to keep that date, he talked shit about them to parishioners and basically ran them away from the church. It was terrible, and that's the kind of meddling that I see in situations like these.

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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
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    thejucheidea said:
    I grow increasingly happy that a friend married us instead of a priest who might feel the need to tell us how to live our lives when it comes to our social and financial setup. One of my friends had a priest like this, and they actually had to end up leaving their church because the pastor had the audacity to tell them that he didn't feel like the date they chose was an acceptable date after he 'prayed on it' for awhile, and when they insisted that they wanted to keep that date, he talked shit about them to parishioners and basically ran them away from the church. It was terrible, and that's the kind of meddling that I see in situations like these.
    A similar thing happened to my sister and BIL when they were looking for a church to marry in. They went to one church and the pastor there told them that they would have to live separately until the wedding day.  My sister nicely told him that if he would like to pay their separate rents and utilities she would be happy to oblige.  Needless to say they didn't get married at that church.

    This is also a reason why H and I went with a friend for an officiant.  Besides the fact that neither of us are very religious we just didn't feel the need to have some stranger make judgments about our relationship and have to sit through pre-marriage classes.  I am sorry but every relationship is different and what works for one couple may not work for another and H and I have been together long enough (over 11 years now) to know what works for us.  We certainly didn't need a stranger telling us what to do.

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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
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    Susannah Conn said:
    If you are looking for an officiant who will write a personalized ceremony with your ideal day in mind please write me at (email address).

    I have very reasonable and competitive rates and over ten years of experience.

    Susannah Conn-Thomas
    @KnotPorscha - vendor

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  • JennyColadaJennyColada member
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    @Maggie0829, the vendor post (looks to) has been removed, but as you quoted it the information is still there, might want to edit that out!
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