Breaking engagement news to a recently engaged friend

badbnagdway · July 2014

My questions are essentially: 1). Do you have tips on sharing the spotlight with another bride-to-be who is your friend? 2). What about getting married before someone who got engaged before you, is there any etiquette element to that? Background: So, last week the bf and I had "the talk" that comes before "the question". He is engagement ring shopping (he asked and I gave him my setting preferences, the rest is up to him). He thinks it will be about a month before he has the ring in hand. Of course the proposal itself will (hopefully) be a surprise, but that surprise, barring unforeseen circumstances, be two months or less away. We have told certain family members (our moms, etc.) about the imminent engagement but are not telling anyone else until it happens. Here is the tricky-ish thing. A girl who has become a close friend of mine over the last couple of years got engaged in May. Her wait was a long one, at least in her eyes, they had dated for about four years and she was living on pins and needles hoping the guy would propose for most of the time I've known her. I was actually very relieved when they did get engaged because I suspected that my bf would propose by about the one year mark (it looks like it will be even a little before that) and every girl who got engaged before her was like a fresh wound, there have been a lot of lady wine nights to comfort her. It makes me a little sad, but I know she would not have been able to be happy for me if my bf had proposed before hers. Even now, I suspect there may be some pangs for her when she sees me get engaged quickly (in my mind all relationships have their own timeline and you can't compare), and although she has joked about us maybe being engaged at the same time, I suspect she may not totally love having the spotlight drift from her so quickly. I also think we may get married before they do as well, they've decided on an 18+ month engagement with a big wedding while we are simpler folk who will likely have as small a wedding as we can manage (I would love to have about 50 people), probably in the spring of next year. Ultimately, I feel like every bride really only gets one day and you are not ever guaranteed to be the only bride in your friend circle, but I do want to be sensitive and handle this well. It is really difficult keeping this from my close friends here and I can't wait to celebrate it.

OliveOilsMom · July 2014

Knottie83906351 said:

My questions are essentially: 1). Do you have tips on sharing the spotlight with another bride-to-be who is your friend? 2). What about getting married before someone who got engaged before you, is there any etiquette element to that? Background: So, last week the bf and I had "the talk" that comes before "the question". He is engagement ring shopping (he asked and I gave him my setting preferences, the rest is up to him). He thinks it will be about a month before he has the ring in hand. Of course the proposal itself will (hopefully) be a surprise, but that surprise, barring unforeseen circumstances, be two months or less away. We have told certain family members (our moms, etc.) about the imminent engagement but are not telling anyone else until it happens. Here is the tricky-ish thing. A girl who has become a close friend of mine over the last couple of years got engaged in May. Her wait was a long one, at least in her eyes, they had dated for about four years and she was living on pins and needles hoping the guy would propose for most of the time I've known her. I was actually very relieved when they did get engaged because I suspected that my bf would propose by about the one year mark (it looks like it will be even a little before that) and every girl who got engaged before her was like a fresh wound, there have been a lot of lady wine nights to comfort her. It makes me a little sad, but I know she would not have been able to be happy for me if my bf had proposed before hers. Even now, I suspect there may be some pangs for her when she sees me get engaged quickly (in my mind all relationships have their own timeline and you can't compare), and although she has joked about us maybe being engaged at the same time, I suspect she may not totally love having the spotlight drift from her so quickly. I also think we may get married before they do as well, they've decided on an 18+ month engagement with a big wedding while we are simpler folk who will likely have as small a wedding as we can manage (I would love to have about 50 people), probably in the spring of next year. Ultimately, I feel like every bride really only gets one day and you are not ever guaranteed to be the only bride in your friend circle, but I do want to be sensitive and handle this well. It is really difficult keeping this from my close friends here and I can't wait to celebrate it.

Please use paragraphs! Taht wall o text was hard to read and I stopped 3/4s of the way through it because I think I have the jist of your question.

There is no need to wait to make your announcement. The only thing I would discuss with this other bride would be the date, to make sure that you both don't marry on the same day. Otherwise, you could potentially be splitting up your group of friends and make them choose whose wedding to attend.

It could be great for you to both plan your weddings at the same time. Bounce ideas off each other. Perhaps use the same vendors for some things to get a discount, etc.

lyndausvi · July 2014

Look most women in their 20-30's will be engaged at the same time as another friend, sibling, cousin, co-worker, whatever. It's ridiculous to think other wise. People get engaged, married, have kids at all different times. It's not a competition.

Do what works for you as a couple. As long as you are not going around singing "nanny, nanny, boo-boo I'm getting married before you!!" I think you will be okay.

Now she might be a little, IDK, disappointed? But I'm sure it will be a short time knee-jerk emotion.

manateehugger · July 2014

I'm in my mid 20's. I was in a sorority in college and FI is in the military; this summer, we know someone getting married virtually every weekend. We got engaged about 3 weeks after very good friends of ours got engaged (they got married about a year ahead of us though). A girl in my sorority who graduated a couple years before me got married the same weekend as us. If we had waited to announce our engagement, we would still be waiting nearly two years later. Your friend needs to realize someone else's engagement shouldn't affect her engagement/happiness. Otherwise, just chat with her about weddings and realize everyone's relationship and wedding vision is different, and that's ok. I would definitely check in on dates (not because she has any sort of priority, but mostly to make life more drama free and to not strain your friend circle's wedding attendability). Otherwise, just be happy you have someone to yammer about your wedding to who will probably have a higher tolerance for wedding nonsense than the normal friend.

lyndausvi · July 2014

OliveOilsMom said:

Knottie83906351 said:

My questions are essentially: 1). Do you have tips on sharing the spotlight with another bride-to-be who is your friend? 2). What about getting married before someone who got engaged before you, is there any etiquette element to that? Background: So, last week the bf and I had "the talk" that comes before "the question". He is engagement ring shopping (he asked and I gave him my setting preferences, the rest is up to him). He thinks it will be about a month before he has the ring in hand. Of course the proposal itself will (hopefully) be a surprise, but that surprise, barring unforeseen circumstances, be two months or less away. We have told certain family members (our moms, etc.) about the imminent engagement but are not telling anyone else until it happens. Here is the tricky-ish thing. A girl who has become a close friend of mine over the last couple of years got engaged in May. Her wait was a long one, at least in her eyes, they had dated for about four years and she was living on pins and needles hoping the guy would propose for most of the time I've known her. I was actually very relieved when they did get engaged because I suspected that my bf would propose by about the one year mark (it looks like it will be even a little before that) and every girl who got engaged before her was like a fresh wound, there have been a lot of lady wine nights to comfort her. It makes me a little sad, but I know she would not have been able to be happy for me if my bf had proposed before hers. Even now, I suspect there may be some pangs for her when she sees me get engaged quickly (in my mind all relationships have their own timeline and you can't compare), and although she has joked about us maybe being engaged at the same time, I suspect she may not totally love having the spotlight drift from her so quickly. I also think we may get married before they do as well, they've decided on an 18+ month engagement with a big wedding while we are simpler folk who will likely have as small a wedding as we can manage (I would love to have about 50 people), probably in the spring of next year. Ultimately, I feel like every bride really only gets one day and you are not ever guaranteed to be the only bride in your friend circle, but I do want to be sensitive and handle this well. It is really difficult keeping this from my close friends here and I can't wait to celebrate it.

Please use paragraphs! Taht wall o text was hard to read and I stopped 3/4s of the way through it because I think I have the jist of your question.

There is no need to wait to make your announcement. The only thing I would discuss with this other bride would be the date, to make sure that you both don't marry on the same day. Otherwise, you could potentially be splitting up your group of friends and make them choose whose wedding to attend.

It could be great for you to both plan your weddings at the same time. Bounce ideas off each other. Perhaps use the same vendors for some things to get a discount, etc.

in her defense TK has be crazy with paragraphs lately. Sometimes I get them, sometimes I don't. I use both PC and Macs and its the same proplem.

chelcee22 · July 2014

If she is truly your friend, then she will be happy for you no matter what. Like you said, all relationships have their own timeline and you can't compare. I was engaged at the same time as one of my close friends, and we enjoyed talking weddings with each other and exchanging ideas. I had been with my now husband for almost five years by the time he proposed, so I was on pins and needles just like your friend. My only piece of advice (and I'm sure you wouldn't do this) but don't make any big statements about how long you waited to get engaged. The only problem I had was when my friend would drone on and on about how she waited an eternity for her BF to propose, and this would hurt my feelings because she knew (and sat through those wine nights with me) about how I agonized over my own long relationship.

Happy wedding planning!

alpacalunch · July 2014

On my facebook, four friends of mine have 'announced' their engagements this week alone. That's four separate couples. And I am THRILLED for them.

If someone had told me they were engaged the same day we got engaged, I may have had a tiny pity party, but that's what wine is for. After a week, I think I would've felt the way I do now.

Also, PDKH makes a very good point about 'wedding talk'. All non-engaged people I know tire of it very quickly, so sharing it with someone in the same phase of life is really handy!

It's nice you're concerned for your friend's feelings, but it should be just fine.

climbingsingle · July 2014

My cousin (my only female cousin on my father's side) got engaged two weeks after me. Did I feel she stole the spotlight/stole my thunder? Nope. There is no such thing. I was extremely excited for her. I was in no way offended. My brother then got engaged right after me. So did another friend. And again, I was in no way upset or angry or hurt. I'm excited for each and every one of them.

If someone is truly your friend and truly cares about your happiness, they would in no way begrudge your engagement. That's silly and immature.

My cousin that got engaged after me is also getting married three weeks before more. Again, I really don't care. I can't wait to attend her wedding.

mysticl · July 2014

I just read the top part and then quit (DS had me up till 3:30 with a fever and we spent the morning at urgent care) so I'm just going to relate my own story and maybe it will help.

My bff had been dating her H for about 3 years when I met my DH. A year and half later (so together over 4 years) her H proposes. I'm thrilled for her. A month later (so together 1.5 years) mine proposes. She's thrilled for me. We both commence planning and 6 months later I'm married and she's my MOH. Six months after that she gets married and I'm a bridesmaid. No hard feelings at all.

badbnagdway · July 2014

Thanks all so far, the computer ate my paragraphs, they were nicely organized at some point

I don't think dates will be too much of an issue, she's planning on fall 2015 and has a date and venue in place so I know that whole season is off limits. We have both only lived in this city a few years so our overlapping invite list is actually not huge. I'm thinking next spring for ours. She is doing it up in the big way, 150 invites, beautiful designer gown, the works. I'm sure she'll be a beautiful bride. I am not a very bride-ish person on the other hand. I'm just excited to be marrying the man of my dreams and would consider eloping if not for our families

I was thinking I would reassure her that our weddings will be different (she has mentioned to me before that a friend of hers who got engaged before her stole some of her wedding ideas). Do you think it's a good idea to go over a list of things she can essentially call dibs on? Like, color scheme for example? Or is that setting a bad precedent with her that she may feel like she somehow has veto power over my plans?

luckysnorkel · July 2014

I have tons of friends who got engaged in the past year. Some are getting married before me, some aren't. Everyone's timeline is different.

I agree with the poster who said it can be fun to plan at the same time as a good friend. One of my friends and I had a wedding planning lunch where we gushed about details and compared notes a little. She's getting married a couple months after me so we might have another lunch after my wedding so I can share things I learned day-of.

mysticl · July 2014

Knottie83906351 said:

Thanks all so far, the computer ate my paragraphs, they were nicely organized at some point

I don't think dates will be too much of an issue, she's planning on fall 2015 and has a date and venue in place so I know that whole season is off limits. We have both only lived in this city a few years so our overlapping invite list is actually not huge. I'm thinking next spring for ours. She is doing it up in the big way, 150 invites, beautiful designer gown, the works. I'm sure she'll be a beautiful bride. I am not a very bride-ish person on the other hand. I'm just excited to be marrying the man of my dreams and would consider eloping if not for our families

I was thinking I would reassure her that our weddings will be different (she has mentioned to me before that a friend of hers who got engaged before her stole some of her wedding ideas). Do you think it's a good idea to go over a list of things she can essentially call dibs on? Like, color scheme for example? Or is that setting a bad precedent with her that she may feel like she somehow has veto power over my plans?

Do not do this. She does not have dibs on anything except her venue and vendors for the day and time she booked them. It would be rude to poach those from her but otherwise do what you want. You've already described yourselves as very different so even if by some fluke you ended up with the same colors I'm guessing it would end up looking very different.

twitterbird · July 2014

A close friend of mine got engaged a few months before me and is getting married on Saturday. She was nothing but happy for me when I got engaged. Its actually been pretty awesome having someone to talk wedding stuff with whose eyes don't glaze over quickly lol.

OliveOilsMom · July 2014

If there is a possibility she will think you are "stealing" her ideas, then I would try to keep wedding talk to a minimum with her. You can't "steal" her ideas if you don't know them. It will probably be better for your friendship in the long run.

I do agree with a PP that since you two have such different ideas for your weddings, they probably won't look anything the same, even with the same colors.

And thank you for attempting paragraphs! Wonky TK is at it again!

morphemes · July 2014

I think PP are wise and I have little to add except to say that you won't be stepping on her feet or stealing her thunder. If I read your post correctly, you aren't engaged yet. I know you think it's going to happen soon, but relax and let it happen. Enjoy your relationship. My BFF was with her BF for 4 years before he proposed, turns out he had the ring for over 2 years before proposing.

thelastdreamer · July 2014

Two of my best friends and I were all engaged at the same time. It was fine.

Butterflyz419 · July 2014

My former roommate and good friend got engaged 5 days before me, and she's getting married 13 days after me and we're in each other's weddings. Having another friend planning a wedding is awesome!

JCbride2015 · July 2014

You are very sweet to be concerned about your friend, but no, she does not have dibs on the entire "spotlight" for her whole engagement, nor on a whole season (???) in which to get married. If you're this worried, it sounds like your friend may be a bit high maintenance, eh? It sounds like your weddings will be very different, and you are an extremely considerate friend. When you do get engaged, just call her up and tell her the news like any other friend. She should be happy for you.

I can say I know a little bit about how your friend feels, but like @flantastic, we should be able to get over it because we're grown-up folk. Fi and I dated for 10 years before we got engaged, and we are having a 2.5 year engagement. I have seen many engagements and weddings come and go during that time.

I will admit I cried-- once, privately-- when a friend got engaged to his gf straight out of college and they started to plan a very lavish wedding. We just didn't have the resources for that, I knew our engagement wasn't coming for a few years, and I was mad jealous. But I was nothing but happy for my friend and his fiancee to their faces and with all our other friends. I would never have said a word, because I recognized our lives are different and I was being silly. Fi and I were also there to get him very very drunk when that bitch ditched him and broke his heart, and I was no longer jealous... you just don't know other people's lives. Jealousy is a massive waste of time, as I hope your friend figures out!

simcal18 · July 2014

You're being extremely considerate of your friend, and I understand her feelings to a certain extent, but ultimately your friend needs to get over herself. By way of example: my 4-years-younger sister got married last September. It was the first wedding in our immediate family and a big deal--there was TONS of excitement. My fiancee and I got engaged this past February and are planning a July 2015 wedding, so no overlap there. Last night, my sister announced that she is pregnant with what will be both our parents' and her husbands' parents first grandchild. Was I a teeny bit jealous that she'll be pregnant with the first grandchild for a good chunk of my engagement and that she'll likely be introducing him or her to most of our out-of-town family for the first time at my wedding? Yes. Did I also immediately understand that the jealousy was irrational and get SUPER excited to be an aunt? You bet!!! Just like it would have been insanely irrational for me to expect my sister postpone a pregnancy until after my wedding, it would also be insanely irrational for your friend to expect you to delay your engagement and/or wedding just because she is on a different timeline. There is plenty of excitement to go around for everyone.

MandyMost · July 2014

I have a friend where the 2 of us were the last non-married people in our circle. I knew she wanted to be married. When I got engaged, I decided not to just text her (as I did most of my other friends), but rather wait and call to be a little more considerate. Well, the next day I got a text from HER saying she was engaged! I immediately called are and yelled "ME TOO!". She's getting married 3 months before me, about an hour away. I'm so excited for her wedding, and she's so excited for mine. It's been GREAT to have someone to talk to about wedding planning stuff since she's going through it all, too. Stuff like "Have you booked your cake yet? How many places did you go tasting? Can you believe that dress lady was so rude to me! etc.".

It never crossed my mind even once to "call dibs" on anything wedding related. That is just plain absurd. She's having her wedding and I'm having mine. If we happened to pick the exact same colors and bridesmaid dresses, or the exact same venue? Who cares! For the record, our weddings are totally different, and it's not a problem at all.

Edited to add: the ONLY issues I would have had is if she was getting married the same weekend as me, or even the weekend before or after would have been a little annoying because we're planning a honeymoon after, and we have some friends in common that would have to travel to both.

Psych819 · July 2014

My best friend/MOH got engaged less than month after I got engaged. I also, had about 5 friend get engaged not too long after ,y engagement. Some of these friends had their weddings already, are about to or will be after mine. All in all, I was happy for everyone. Your at an age where your friends will get engaged left and right. There is no reason to be jealous of someone else. YOU will have your day just like all your friends.

delujm0 · July 2014

EDIT - NO PARAGRAPHS FOR SOME REASON???? Your wedding is one day of your lives. Her wedding is one day of your lives. There is no "spotlight sharing" going on. You will have the spotlight on your wedding day and she will have it on hers. It's insane to think that two people who say they are friends might not want to plan their weddings at the same time, or would be jealous of each other's engagements. FWIW, my two best friends and i got engaged within a 6 month window in the following order: me, friend A, friend B. We got married within a 6 month window in the following order: friend B, friend A, me. We were all in each other's weddings, and friend A's wedding was only 2 weeks before mine. We all survived and were super happy to be going through all of this together. i don't think any of us were jealous of anyone else for even one second. Which is how it should be. You're both adults. when you get engaged, tell her you got engaged. when you go to set a date, run it past her to make sure you don't pick the same one. that is all that is required here.

[Deleted User] · July 2014

I definitely think she might have a hard time with it if she were not engaged herself. But since she is, happies for everyone!

theartistformerlyknownas · July 2014

I think you'll need to be very careful about being TOO considerate of this friend. She sounds like the type of person who will get upset no matter how careful you are not to offend her. You could do your best to walk on eggshells, she'll still get pissed over something, and you'll wind up beating yourself up over it.

I like PPs advice to not talk too many details with her until you're sure of how she'll react. You have every right to your engagement and to enjoy wedding planning without worrying about "stealing her spotlight" so just do your thing. You each get one day - no dibs on dress styles or colors or flowers or entrees or anything else, and not a whole season or even a month. One day to do things how you like and not feel guilty about what any other bride wants.

pearlsofsteel · July 2014

My FH proposed to me like a week and a half after FBIL proposed to his lady... FSIL made one passive-aggressive comment on Facebook and left it at that.

FH claims we shouldn't have to coordinate around them for getting engaged first being that he had already ordered my ring made months before FBIL did, but whatever, I am coordinating around them and ensuring our wedding is much later than theirs. Because they got engaged first. And because when FMIL was saying her (very lackluster) congratulations to me, she requested that I be sure to have the weddings spread out (other FBIL is also getting married next year). I thought it was rude of her but I just want to get married, I don't care when it is. So we went with much later next year to be courteous to both FSIL and FMIL.

JessicaB387 · July 2014

One of my best friends basically went into a jealous rage when I got engaged. She had been with her boyfriend for about 8 years and I had been with my boyfriend for about 7 (and we had been friends longer than both of those relationships). She had made NO secret that she wanted to be the first one engaged in our friend group, and since they had been together the longest she deserved it. When I got engaged, I let all my friends know that night and she texted me a quick congrats. I found out a couple weeks later what really happened that night. She got into a MASSIVE fight with her boyfriend about me getting engaged first, involving her sister and one of our other best friends; crying, silent treatment - the works. She was not happy for me at all. However, she did call me a few days later and we talked like nothing happened and she proceeded to tell me all of her wedding plans (even though she was not engaged yet) which included having a very long engagement until she got out of school.

Literally less than a month after I got engaged, SHE GOT ENGAGED! Of course, I was very happy for her and glad that the drama of it was over. Pretty much as soon as I set my wedding date, she called me up and told me that she planned her wedding for 3 months before mine. What happened to that long engagement? I actually did secretly feel upset about this but I kept it in my own head and didn't even tell anyone about it. (She also knowingly planned her bridal shower on my birthday, but that's besides the point.) After awhile though, we both went about planning our weddings, which couldn't have been more different - and at the end of the day, our weddings came and went, they were great and everyone was totally fine. None of it mattered anymore. We actually had a third friend in our group get engaged during all of this and her wedding was only 2 weeks after mine - and again this was all totally fine. We actually had fun sharing our planning.

If your friend is upset, it will not be in any way your fault and she will get over it with time. You shouldn't delay your announcement and I don't really know how you could soften the blow. I feel like most girl friends in their 20s and 30s go through this and if you come out on the other side not being friends anymore then it wasn't a great friendship to begin with.

The best tip I have is to double check the dates of all events so nothing clashes - including weddings, showers, bachelorettes and everything else!

Breaking engagement news to a recently engaged friend

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