Wedding Checking Account/Preventing Take Backs

OliveOilsMom · July 2014

ambernsutton said:

Holy opinions batman!

Thank you to those who took the time to actually answer the questions I asked, you've given me some different viewpoints to reflect from. No thanks to the people who just like to type their opinions about my situation, but that's what you get here!

Obviously not taking her money means not having her say in anything... easier said than done. She has already expressed that she wants to help with the wedding finances.

I will look into credit cards as well for the benefit of rewards points.

And just a quick f you to "Starmoon44." I hold a BA in psychology, mentioning someone has psychological issues is not shaming them. The reason people are ashamed of their psychological issues is because people like you attach a stigma to even mentioning the condition. If you had any idea how those type of medications affect your synapses when you take them irregularly, maybe you'd realize why I mentioned it... ok done!

Everyone answered your question, even if you didn't like the response.

The comment from Starmoon aside, since you have a Psychology degree you should know that your FI and his mom screaming "I hate yous" at each other is not productive for either party. You should be telling your FI to not engage his mom when she goes off her meds. Or to react differently to her when she goes off her meds. You should know that you cannot change someone else's behavior (FMIL going off meds), but you can control your reactions to them (your FI getting in a screaming match with his mom). It would be better for everyone's mental health to say to FMIL "Mom, I love you, but I can't talk to you when you are like this. You can give me a call back when you have calmed down." Then hang up the phone. It would probably prevent the silent treatment they give each other.

And lastly, just because FMIL wants to be involved doesn't mean she has to be involved financially. If there is something that you don't care about, say flowers, just ask her input on flowers. It doesn't mean she has to pay for flowers. Also, take her dress shopping when she is ready to get her dress.

lyndausvi · July 2014

jenna8984 said:

lyndausvi said:

missax said:

lc07 said:

I think there are also tax laws about gift money. Not sure about it. But when my dad offered to help he made the payments directly instead of giving me a huge lump of money because it would have created a taxable situation or something. I'm clearly not an expert but there's that to think about or research.

The giver of the money is responsible to report it to the IRS & for the taxes but as long as it's under 14k this is not an issue. (this is the amount for 2013. I have no idea if it will go up or down for 2014)

It was $10K when I got married and that might have been part of the reason my parents didn't give us money, but paid themselves. Not the whole reason, but I'm sure part of it as they are up-to-date on those types of things.

Really? I do taxes (just my own and friends with basic returns, not professionally) and I didn't know about that. My dad handed me a check for 20k for my house downpayment (instead of wedding) years ago and we never claimed any such thing.

**** SITB *****

2 parents still married can each give their child up to an annual tax exclusion amount (in 2013 it was $13K) without having to pay gift tax per year. If you are married, they can also give your husband the same amount. So if you were married in say 2013 your parents could give up to $52K without gift tax.

Now if your parents are not married they still each can give up to the annual exclusion. What ever is over the exclusion goes towards their tax free lifetime limit. Which is like over $5M.

For example, say your dad is single and he gave you $20K. Let's say that year the limit was $13k. 20-13 = 7. So $7k goes towards his lifetime limit. With a $5M limit it will take a while for you to hit the limit for tax to kick in.

I'm not a tax expert. It's just my understanding of the tax law. I'm sure someone will come in and clean up what I wrote, but that is the gist of how it works.

ETA - for clarification.

offensivekitten2 · July 2014

OP, if you take your FMIL's money, you will regret it every. Single. Day. My FIL has a brain injury that compounds on a miserable personality, and makes him a raging unstable asshole.

He offered us money. We respectfully declined. If we had taken it, he would have lorded it over us and made the days leading up to the wedding an opinionated nightmare.

IF your FMIL insists, relegate her contribution to something pretty but non-critical. Like chair covers. It wouldn't be the end of the world if she failed to come through for chair covers.

Under no circumstances should you try to hold her accountable or publically shame her into anything (which is what that big visible account would do). Well, unless you really like loud messy drama when you are already stressed. I guess you should totally try to force her then.

The above isn't opinion, it's experience.

countrygirl061513 · July 2014

I have to agree with everyone else giving all the parents the ability to view your wedding account is going to lead somewhere you don't want to be. Speaking from recent experience when my husband became extremely ill and we were 6-7 months post wedding and pregnant. Our wedding drained our savings. His mother offered to help us financially since he was not getting a pay check. She offered to pay his car payment. She ended up asking him to provide his log in information to his bank account and credit cards. She also wanted my paycheck information along with all of the other bills, which I declined to provide. She came up with a budget for him and a big f you to me. But every time we used his account by spending $5 here or $10 there, it lead to what did you buy, why did you spend this money, and that we were being disrespectful of her financial contribution.

I know this isn't your specific situation but it is just asking for more control for whoever you grant access to over your money and account.

JellyBean52513 · July 2014

countrygirl061513 said:

I have to agree with everyone else giving all the parents the ability to view your wedding account is going to lead somewhere you don't want to be. Speaking from recent experience when my husband became extremely ill and we were 6-7 months post wedding and pregnant. Our wedding drained our savings. His mother offered to help us financially since he was not getting a pay check. She offered to pay his car payment. She ended up asking him to provide his log in information to his bank account and credit cards. She also wanted my paycheck information along with all of the other bills, which I declined to provide. She came up with a budget for him and a big f you to me. But every time we used his account by spending $5 here or $10 there, it lead to what did you buy, why did you spend this money, and that we were being disrespectful of her financial contribution.
I know this isn't your specific situation but it is just asking for more control for whoever you grant access to over your money and account.

***SITB***
I'm going to piggyback off this and supplement it with my own experience. I used to have a family member, a much older cousin, help me out financially for a few years. She found out I was attending her alma mater, and couldn't be more excited to help me out knowing I just lost my grandmother aka the only adult who ever attempted to raise me as a child. This cousin was EXTREMELY wealthy. She would periodically just deposit hundreds of dollars into my bank account or onto my credit card, and instruct me to "buy a new Coach purse. You should have one if all of the the other girls at that school have one" or "you probably need a new mattress, here's some money to go get one."
Then the strings came along...... if I ignored her phone calls (and by ignored, I mean that I was in class and literally couldn't answer), she'd leave me 3 voicemails in a row telling me how ungrateful I am and LITERALLY recounting every. single. thing. she has given me money for to throw in my face. The last straw was when she questioned me about airline tickets I'd purchased on my credit card. I asked her how she knew what was on my credit card statement, and she told me that she simply walked into a branch of my bank and asked them to tell her what my balance was, what were the most recent transactions, and how often the card was being used, and they just gave her all of that info!! I called up my bank LIVID as all hell, and told them that they were to NEVER disclose any information about my banking habits again or else I would pursue legal remedies for privacy law violations.

Long story short, giving other people access to your bank account is typically not a good idea, especially someone that you know has a history of mental/psychological instability. The same goes for accepting money from people. I think the idea of a wedding account is awesome, in fact I know that's what I'll end up doing myself, but no one other than my FI and I will have access to it. If people want to contribute, they can hand us a check or cash and trust us to do the right thing with it (or they can pay any vendors directly with us present).

mysticl · August 2014

jenna8984 said:

lyndausvi said:

missax said:

lc07 said:

I think there are also tax laws about gift money. Not sure about it. But when my dad offered to help he made the payments directly instead of giving me a huge lump of money because it would have created a taxable situation or something. I'm clearly not an expert but there's that to think about or research.

The giver of the money is responsible to report it to the IRS & for the taxes but as long as it's under 14k this is not an issue. (this is the amount for 2013. I have no idea if it will go up or down for 2014)

It was $10K when I got married and that might have been part of the reason my parents didn't give us money, but paid themselves. Not the whole reason, but I'm sure part of it as they are up-to-date on those types of things.

Really? I do taxes (just my own and friends with basic returns, not professionally) and I didn't know about that. My dad handed me a check for 20k for my house downpayment (instead of wedding) years ago and we never claimed any such thing.

Legitimate question, if you are not a professional and are not aware of tax law, why are you doing other people's taxes for them? The repercussions for them if you make a mistake could be devastating.

STARMOON44 · August 2014

@KnotPorscha‌ is "f you" now permitted?

I don't think mentioning to us that she has psychological issues is shaming. I think setting up an account where everyone involved can see how much money she puts in and/or takes out is designed to keep her from taking money out (which you acknowledge is a symptom of her disease) by making her embarrassed or ashamed to do so. She is sick. A fancy banking arrangement can't solve that.

Wedding Checking Account/Preventing Take Backs

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