Wedding Etiquette Forum

Need Some Minor Damage Control

Okay, I got annoyed with younger sister/my MOH yesterday.  Here's what happened, via text:

Sis:  Is ---- family (from our church) invited to your wedding?

Me:  No, I barely ever talk to them.  I don't think I've ever talked to the wife since she started going to church after I had left for college.  

Sis:  Oopsie.  Well I definitely told them last week that they were invited and I had an invitation to give them. 

Me (annoyed, but realizing it was a mistake):  Okay, well then you can explain to them that it was a mistake and they aren't actually invited.

Sis:  I'm not doing that.  I'm sure you have some extra invitations, why don't you just invite them?  They probably won't even come since they have young kids.

Me:  The capacity of our venue is 170, and we already invited 181.  We can't keep adding people.  You can't just assume they won't come.  (Yes, I know I broke a rule by inviting over capacity, but it's an OOT wedding so we were expecting a lot of declines and have already received a good number of them.)

Sis:  Well I've seen the RSVPs coming in and I know you've already gotten 10 declines, so you should invite them.

Me:  Okay, first of all, inviting more people based on declined responses is called 'b-listing' and is terribly rude.  Second, why should I be forced to invite someone who I wasn't going to invite anyway, just because you made a mistake?

I was annoyed that she wouldn't own up to her mistake (or apologize) and wanted me to just fix it myself.  Maybe I was being too harsh.  But later, I called my mom about something unrelated and my mom said "Oh, there was an invite returned bc the address wasn't correct, so I was thinking about just taking the invite out, putting it in a new envelope, and giving it to (aforementioned) family since sis told them they were invited."  I said, "WHAT!  No, do NOT do that!  That invite is for someone else, not --- family!"

Ugh I was so annoyed.  To be honest, the family mentioned is a grown son of someone who is really close to our family, and I invited his parents.  So that's why my mom and sis both feel like I should have invited the son and his family, since their whole family is pretty close to ours.  But as mentioned, I never talk to the son or his wife.  So I'm at a loss for what to do.  FI completely agrees with me and says we shouldn't be forced to invite them, but now it's awkward since my sister already told them they were invited.  I don't want to cause awkwardness between our families.  So should I just suck it up and send them an invite?  And stress to my sister NOT to tell anyone else they are invited if she isn't sure...

Re: Need Some Minor Damage Control

  • I think you should not "suck it up."  Your sister had no business telling these people they are invited.  First, she has no right to invite people to someone else's wedding.  Second, only you and your FI have that right, assuming that you are paying for the whole thing.  And third, you are correct that you should not B-list.

    If your sister and mother continue to hassle you over this, I think you need to sit them down and explain the above.  (If your mother is paying, though, she does get a say in who is invited.)  But even so, these people should not be B-listed.  And your sister is responsible for telling them that they're not invited.  But if they come to you saying that they expected an invitation, you can tell them, "Unfortunately, it isn't possible to accommodate everyone FI and I would have liked to invite, and sadly, we can't extend you an invitation.  I apologize for the confusion."
  • Okay, I got annoyed with younger sister/my MOH yesterday.  Here's what happened, via text:

    Sis:  Is ---- family (from our church) invited to your wedding?

    Me:  No, I barely ever talk to them.  I don't think I've ever talked to the wife since she started going to church after I had left for college.  

    Sis:  Oopsie.  Well I definitely told them last week that they were invited and I had an invitation to give them. 

    Me (annoyed, but realizing it was a mistake):  Okay, well then you can explain to them that it was a mistake and they aren't actually invited.

    Sis:  I'm not doing that.  I'm sure you have some extra invitations, why don't you just invite them?  They probably won't even come since they have young kids.

    Me:  The capacity of our venue is 170, and we already invited 181.  We can't keep adding people.  You can't just assume they won't come.  (Yes, I know I broke a rule by inviting over capacity, but it's an OOT wedding so we were expecting a lot of declines and have already received a good number of them.)

    Sis:  Well I've seen the RSVPs coming in and I know you've already gotten 10 declines, so you should invite them.

    Me:  Okay, first of all, inviting more people based on declined responses is called 'b-listing' and is terribly rude.  Second, why should I be forced to invite someone who I wasn't going to invite anyway, just because you made a mistake?

    I was annoyed that she wouldn't own up to her mistake (or apologize) and wanted me to just fix it myself.  Maybe I was being too harsh.  But later, I called my mom about something unrelated and my mom said "Oh, there was an invite returned bc the address wasn't correct, so I was thinking about just taking the invite out, putting it in a new envelope, and giving it to (aforementioned) family since sis told them they were invited."  I said, "WHAT!  No, do NOT do that!  That invite is for someone else, not --- family!" 

    Ugh I was so annoyed.  To be honest, the family mentioned is a grown son of someone who is really close to our family, and I invited his parents.  So that's why my mom and sis both feel like I should have invited the son and his family, since their whole family is pretty close to ours.  But as mentioned, I never talk to the son or his wife.  So I'm at a loss for what to do.  FI completely agrees with me and says we shouldn't be forced to invite them, but now it's awkward since my sister already told them they were invited.  I don't want to cause awkwardness between our families.  So should I just suck it up and send them an invite?  And stress to my sister NOT to tell anyone else they are invited if she isn't sure...
    Your sister needs to fix her mistake and your mom needs to keep her nose out of your invitations and RSVPs. Stop sharing any information with them since they obviously have no idea how things are supposed to work.

    Let your sister know you won't be sending them an invite and they won't have a seat at the reception, so she's going to look like a grade A biatch if she doesn't fix this. It won't be your fault.
    *********************************************************************************

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  • They don't have any extra invites, except for that one that was returned because of the address.  What happened was, I was home a month ago visiting and took some invites already addressed, sealed and everything, and left them with my sister to hand out to people (mainly church people) so I didn't have to mail them.  

    All the RSVPs are going to my mom's house because I am supposed to be moving next month.  It's killing me not to see who is coming and who isn't!
  • Your sister needs to either fix her mistake or simply nothing happens and these people do not get an invitation. She told them SHE has an invitation for them? Then if one never shows in their mail, they will likely either drop it or ask HER about it, and then she will be forced to respond. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • Your sis need to right the wrong and keep her trap shut from now on.
  • They don't have any extra invites, except for that one that was returned because of the address.  What happened was, I was home a month ago visiting and took some invites already addressed, sealed and everything, and left them with my sister to hand out to people (mainly church people) so I didn't have to mail them.  

    All the RSVPs are going to my mom's house because I am supposed to be moving next month.  It's killing me not to see who is coming and who isn't!
    Tell your mom to stop opening these. Mail can arrive there, but she doesn't need to (and shouldn't!) open it unless it has her name on it. Tell her you want to track this stuff yourself and that you'll take over the process from here.
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  • @novella1186 , HA!  Your mom sounds exactly like mine.  


  • They don't have any extra invites, except for that one that was returned because of the address.  What happened was, I was home a month ago visiting and took some invites already addressed, sealed and everything, and left them with my sister to hand out to people (mainly church people) so I didn't have to mail them.  

    All the RSVPs are going to my mom's house because I am supposed to be moving next month.  It's killing me not to see who is coming and who isn't!
    Tell your mom to stop opening these. Mail can arrive there, but she doesn't need to (and shouldn't!) open it unless it has her name on it. Tell her you want to track this stuff yourself and that you'll take over the process from here.
    I wish I could do that.  But I won't see my mom again until the wedding in Oct.  Like I said, I left her in charge of tracking the RSVPs because I live in Louisiana and am getting ready to move to North Dakota.  She lives in VA and we put her name/address on the RSVP envelope so they'd go to her.  So she has to open them to be able to track who is coming and who isn't.  The RSVP deadline is Sept. 22 and then she will let me know who is coming.  I even made a list for her to make it easy to keep track of.  And I told her to KEEP all of the RSVPs and not throw them away so I can verify them for myself, to make sure meals are right and such.  

    It sucks that I don't get to do it but I didn't really have a choice since I'll have no mailing address here soon.  Plus since all the wedding planning has been long-distance I wanted to involve my mom somehow...
  • You are right to stand your ground. 

    You can't make your sister do the right thing, but you don't have to hand-hold her, either. You can either do nothing, and not invite this family, or you can take it upon yourself to call them and say, "This is a bit awkward, but my sis mentioned that she told you about my wedding. I am so sorry she was confused, but unfortunately we just weren't able to accommodate every guest we would have liked." You don't have to do this by any means, but you're certainly allowed to.

    Make sure your mother is on your side, and stop speaking to your sister about wedding-related stuff, like, yesterday. She is not going to be helpful to you, so the less she knows, the less damage she can do.
    image
    This baby knows exactly how I feel
  • I have a question - is your mom paying for the wedding? I don't advocate for b-listing, it's super rude, but if your mom is paying and she want this family friend invited then you two need to work it out.

    If you and FI are paying, then I would just suck it up and call and family and apologize for the confusion. You shouldn't have to, but I wouldn't trust mom or sis to fix the mess. That way if they try to invite the family behind your back then the family would know mom/ sis was incorrect.
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

  • General note on "inviting over capacity"

     

    OP, we did the same thing - 90% of our guests had to travel (as in "fly and stay at a hotel all weekend") to our wedding, and we wound up inviting 200 when our venue capacity (seated, not fire code) was 176.  We were like "people will decline, we only think 130 will come, it's fine."

     

    When we went to do a final walkthrough of the venue, they were shocked to hear that we "might" have up to 160 people in attendance (that was a worst case numer based on the declines we had already received at that point).  Because apparently that 176 number meant "seated with wall to wall tables, without room for a cake table, bar, buffet table, DJ setup, or dance floor."  No one told us this until 3 weeks before the wedding.

     

    Don't assume that your venue maximum allows for anything other than wall to wall tables.  Just be aware that you may have an issue.  In order to fit all of our other stuff in the space, we could only have 18 5' round tables and a sweetheart table (which got removed after dinner was over, becuse it had to be set up ON the dance floor).  We had 152 people RSVP yes - so we had to have some tables of 9 instead of the ideal 8 for a 5' round.  it was very stressful doing the seating chart.

     

    This is basically just a note to OP and to other lurking brides: make sure you KNOW what your "venue maximum" really means whne you over-invite.  i really wish i hadn't done this (honestly, i wish my MIL's guest list was 40 people instead of the 80 we wound up having to invite, as that would have solved all of our problems, but what are you going to do when your F agrees with his mother?)

  • They don't have any extra invites, except for that one that was returned because of the address.  What happened was, I was home a month ago visiting and took some invites already addressed, sealed and everything, and left them with my sister to hand out to people (mainly church people) so I didn't have to mail them.  

    All the RSVPs are going to my mom's house because I am supposed to be moving next month.  It's killing me not to see who is coming and who isn't!
    Is there a reason your mom is keeping the RSVP list a secret?  Are you using an online system to keep track of the RSVP's?

    If you are using an online document to track attendance, you should both have access to the document.  If she is doing this via some sort of pencil/paper system, is there a reason she can't call/email you once weekly to update you on responses?

    My daughter had her responses sent to me as well.  She only lives 20 minutes away.  I would hold the cards for the week.  If she had time, she would stop by and open them.  If she didn't, I would call and let her know who had responded, and whether they were attending.  I don't understand your inability to be kept informed.

    I would not invite these additional guests to the wedding.
  • delujm0 said:

    General note on "inviting over capacity"

     

    OP, we did the same thing - 90% of our guests had to travel (as in "fly and stay at a hotel all weekend") to our wedding, and we wound up inviting 200 when our venue capacity (seated, not fire code) was 176.  We were like "people will decline, we only think 130 will come, it's fine."

     

    When we went to do a final walkthrough of the venue, they were shocked to hear that we "might" have up to 160 people in attendance (that was a worst case numer based on the declines we had already received at that point).  Because apparently that 176 number meant "seated with wall to wall tables, without room for a cake table, bar, buffet table, DJ setup, or dance floor."  No one told us this until 3 weeks before the wedding.

     

    Don't assume that your venue maximum allows for anything other than wall to wall tables.  Just be aware that you may have an issue.  In order to fit all of our other stuff in the space, we could only have 18 5' round tables and a sweetheart table (which got removed after dinner was over, becuse it had to be set up ON the dance floor).  We had 152 people RSVP yes - so we had to have some tables of 9 instead of the ideal 8 for a 5' round.  it was very stressful doing the seating chart.

     

    This is basically just a note to OP and to other lurking brides: make sure you KNOW what your "venue maximum" really means whne you over-invite.  i really wish i hadn't done this (honestly, i wish my MIL's guest list was 40 people instead of the 80 we wound up having to invite, as that would have solved all of our problems, but what are you going to do when your F agrees with his mother?)

    I realize this is basically a rhetorical question, and I don't mean to digress from the OP.  But I can't believe some sort of compromise wasn't made between trying to accommodate your MIL and your FI understanding your POV.  Without getting all Dr. Phil here, it does make me wonder what will happen in your future when a different topic has your FI agreeing with his mom instead of his wife.
  • Wow. That's annoying. Don't invite them based on your sister's mistake. You have to draw the line somewhere, especially because of your space restrictions. If it gets brought up, just explain the space restrictions and people should understand. Your sister was way out of line, and your mother should not have suggested switching out the invitation. It is NOT your problem to fix this. 

    My mom keeps trying to sneak extra people onto my guest list. I invited close friends of the family and my mom was like "well you invited wife's sister, right?" I said "I didn't even know she had a sister. I don't know her." My mom got all upset and started flipping out and said "the sister babysat you once when you were little! She asks how you're doing all the time! She's going to be hurt that she's not invited, I can't believe you would do that!" on and on. I've had this exact argument with her more times than I even have the energy to think about. 

    It sucks to feel guilty about leaving people off the guest list, but if you start inviting the friends and relatives of your friends and relatives, and their neighbors and mailmen and hell why not their dog walker too, then you're going to end up WAY over capacity, way over budget, and with 500 total strangers roaming around your wedding. Put your foot down! 
    Wait, she can't believe you didn't invite a person you didn't know existed?  Are you supposed give each of your guests a +10 or something?
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • mysticl yeah, pretty much! She also got upset- a separate time- that I didn't invite my dad's cousins who live on the other side of the country and I've never met them. Didn't even recognize their names. We're trying to keep it small (around 120) partly because we're paying for a lot of it and have a tight budget but partly because we just want it to be more intimate and limit the number of total strangers. 

    My mom is awesome, don't get me wrong, but she has been kind of insane with the guest list. Hours after I told her I got engaged, she had written out a list of 60 people I "must" invite. We obviously hadn't set a date yet or even thought about planning anything, and she just started bombarding me. When I said I wasn't ready to do a guest list, she flipped out and said "how could you not invite Uncle H?!" Um... I didn't say I wasn't inviting Uncle H. I said I wasn't ready to start planning.... 

    She's very dramatic and doesn't make any logical sense to me most of the time. But like I said, she's awesome, she's my mom, I love her. Even if I need to vent about her craziness every so often lol 
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  • mysticl yeah, pretty much! She also got upset- a separate time- that I didn't invite my dad's cousins who live on the other side of the country and I've never met them. Didn't even recognize their names. We're trying to keep it small (around 120) partly because we're paying for a lot of it and have a tight budget but partly because we just want it to be more intimate and limit the number of total strangers. 

    My mom is awesome, don't get me wrong, but she has been kind of insane with the guest list. Hours after I told her I got engaged, she had written out a list of 60 people I "must" invite. We obviously hadn't set a date yet or even thought about planning anything, and she just started bombarding me. When I said I wasn't ready to do a guest list, she flipped out and said "how could you not invite Uncle H?!" Um... I didn't say I wasn't inviting Uncle H. I said I wasn't ready to start planning.... 

    She's very dramatic and doesn't make any logical sense to me most of the time. But like I said, she's awesome, she's my mom, I love her. Even if I need to vent about her craziness every so often lol 
    I asked my mom if there was anyone else I should invite (you know just in case I had missed some family members) and she said I should invite my step-father's cousin and spouse.  The reason being she and step-dad had been invited to and attended their kids' weddings.  Well, I wasn't invited to the weddings and I've never met these people (hence why I wasn't invited, no hard feelings at all). So I said "no".  DH was paying for everything so I wasn't throwing in people that neither one of us knew.  
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • I'm just curious what your mother thought was going to happen to the people who's invitation came back with a wrong address. Are they just not invited now since she wanted to take their invite and give it to someone else?
    Her suggestion was to find out the guy's new address and put together a new invite and mail it to him.  Then she would take the first invite and give it to this other family...
  • I have a question - is your mom paying for the wedding? I don't advocate for b-listing, it's super rude, but if your mom is paying and she want this family friend invited then you two need to work it out.

    If you and FI are paying, then I would just suck it up and call and family and apologize for the confusion. You shouldn't have to, but I wouldn't trust mom or sis to fix the mess. That way if they try to invite the family behind your back then the family would know mom/ sis was incorrect.
    That's sort of a tricky question...my dad passed away and left me a significant amount of money, part of which we are using for the wedding.  My mom was a stay-at home mom all through my childhood, and started going back to work once I left for college.  On one hand, she says that the money was hers and my dad's, which I think would be correct since they were married, even though that money was saved from his paychecks.  On the other hand, once he died the money was left to me and left up to me to do what I chose with it...so it kind of feels more like an inheritance that I'm choosing to use for the wedding.  But I guess my feelings are that yes, my parents are help paying for it.  

    We've pretty much split it into thirds though...we're using a third of my dad's money, a third from FFIL and a third of what FI and I have saved ourselves.  So in that case I don't know that my mom should have any more say over what FI and I think... 
  • I have a question - is your mom paying for the wedding? I don't advocate for b-listing, it's super rude, but if your mom is paying and she want this family friend invited then you two need to work it out.

    If you and FI are paying, then I would just suck it up and call and family and apologize for the confusion. You shouldn't have to, but I wouldn't trust mom or sis to fix the mess. That way if they try to invite the family behind your back then the family would know mom/ sis was incorrect.
    That's sort of a tricky question...my dad passed away and left me a significant amount of money, part of which we are using for the wedding.  My mom was a stay-at home mom all through my childhood, and started going back to work once I left for college.  On one hand, she says that the money was hers and my dad's, which I think would be correct since they were married, even though that money was saved from his paychecks.  On the other hand, once he died the money was left to me and left up to me to do what I chose with it...so it kind of feels more like an inheritance that I'm choosing to use for the wedding.  But I guess my feelings are that yes, my parents are help paying for it.  

    We've pretty much split it into thirds though...we're using a third of my dad's money, a third from FFIL and a third of what FI and I have saved ourselves.  So in that case I don't know that my mom should have any more say over what FI and I think... 
    It feels like an inheritance because it is one.  If there were no stipulations in his will on how it is to be spent it is yours to do with what you wish.  She can claim it's from her all she wants but the bottom line is it is yours now and it is not hers.  If it was hers your dad would have willed it to her.  
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • MobKaz said:
    delujm0 said:

    This is basically just a note to OP and to other lurking brides: make sure you KNOW what your "venue maximum" really means whne you over-invite.  i really wish i hadn't done this (honestly, i wish my MIL's guest list was 40 people instead of the 80 we wound up having to invite, as that would have solved all of our problems, but what are you going to do when your F agrees with his mother?)

    I realize this is basically a rhetorical question, and I don't mean to digress from the OP.  But I can't believe some sort of compromise wasn't made between trying to accommodate your MIL and your FI understanding your POV.  Without getting all Dr. Phil here, it does make me wonder what will happen in your future when a different topic has your FI agreeing with his mom instead of his wife.
     
     
    ******STUCK IN BOX*******
     
    I hear you...I would have made more of a stink about it, but his parents did pay for a large portion of the wedding.  If they weren't contributing, there is no way i would have been satisfied with their guest list, and DH would have reasoned with them to cut it down.
     
    Despite the fact that they all lived so far away, most of these people were extended family and did actually come...so it's not like they were random friends who we didn't even know.  DH just has a very very large family.
  • mysticl said:
    I have a question - is your mom paying for the wedding? I don't advocate for b-listing, it's super rude, but if your mom is paying and she want this family friend invited then you two need to work it out.

    If you and FI are paying, then I would just suck it up and call and family and apologize for the confusion. You shouldn't have to, but I wouldn't trust mom or sis to fix the mess. That way if they try to invite the family behind your back then the family would know mom/ sis was incorrect.
    That's sort of a tricky question...my dad passed away and left me a significant amount of money, part of which we are using for the wedding.  My mom was a stay-at home mom all through my childhood, and started going back to work once I left for college.  On one hand, she says that the money was hers and my dad's, which I think would be correct since they were married, even though that money was saved from his paychecks.  On the other hand, once he died the money was left to me and left up to me to do what I chose with it...so it kind of feels more like an inheritance that I'm choosing to use for the wedding.  But I guess my feelings are that yes, my parents are help paying for it.  

    We've pretty much split it into thirds though...we're using a third of my dad's money, a third from FFIL and a third of what FI and I have saved ourselves.  So in that case I don't know that my mom should have any more say over what FI and I think... 
    It feels like an inheritance because it is one.  If there were no stipulations in his will on how it is to be spent it is yours to do with what you wish.  She can claim it's from her all she wants but the bottom line is it is yours now and it is not hers.  If it was hers your dad would have willed it to her.  
    I have problem with this statement. Her mom was a SAHM and when dad died then mom was either entitled to the money or they had a will that left the inheritance to the OP. As such the money was  mom's as well as dad's. Now that does not mean has string attached if it didn't, but dad didn't leave the money...her parent's did. Unless OP has left out a key pice of info (i.e. they were divorced) otherwise it was money from both parents. I find it offensive that you suggest that you father had sole right to the paychecks when your mother had a job, taking care of you and the household. 

    Just bc one person works and the other stays home to raise the kids and maintain the household does not mean the one who works out of the house owns all the money. I am not a SAHM, but my mom was and her job was far more difficult than my father's and the hours were twice as long.

    To suggest it was his money and not their money is ver offensive to me.

    But that has nothing to do with whether you mom is in a "those who pay, have a say" situation - unless the money was willed for the use of the wedding.
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

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