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Did I pick the wrong MOH? Can I change now?

rumleyrumley member
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
I was so excited after my fiance and I got engaged that I picked my bridesmaid and MOH hastily. Now I'm regretting the MOH I've chosen. I was so torn between my two best friends that my fiance had mentioned that maybe pick my childhood best friend (who had just asked me to be her MOH) then I wouldn't have to choose between my best friends and they would be understanding that I picked a childhood best friend. So i did that. But now we are having a falling out over technicalities with her wedding (mostly because of the controlling groomzilla) and I'm questioning if i made the right choice. She has not been communicating with me as much since then. Also, during my engagement party which was an all day beach type event, she only stayed for a little over an hour cause her fiance was pushing her to leave. I'm worried this is gonna happen with every wedding event, stag and does, bachelorette, even the wedding. What should I do?
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Re: Did I pick the wrong MOH? Can I change now?

  • pinkcow13pinkcow13 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    You can't change who your MOH is, unless you are willing to end that friendship. Really, all your MOH has to do is show up on your wedding day. Technically, she is not required to stay the entire length of any of pre wedding events, she is not even required to stay the whole length of the wedding. I understand that it sucks if she leaves early, but it's not the end of the world. Unless you are willing to let this friendship end, there isn't anything you should do.

    Also - if the disagreements have to do with her wedding and her groomzilla, I don't really see how this has anything to do with your wedding.
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  • banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    You need to talk to her as a friend.    Booting someone from the wedding party is a friendship ending move but if you fear that there may be issues with you two, talk about them. 
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  • AddieCakeAddieCake member
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    Oh, for Pete's sake. One of my bridesmaids left early from the reception because her stepsons were bored. No big deal. You don't choose attendants based on how long they stay for wedding events.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
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    If she's planning her wedding too, she's going to be more involved with her own planning than with yours. In fact, she doesn't have to help you plan your wedding and you don't have to help her plan hers. It might be fun to bounce ideas off one another, but it's not necessary. All your MOH has to do is stand next to you on your wedding day. Plan your own wedding and leave the poor girl alone.
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  • Simky906Simky906 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment Name Dropper
    Sorry OP, but you've chosen your MOH and unless you want to end your friendship with her you need to keep her as MOH. Though, as a note for lurkers, in a case like this you could have chosen both best friends as MOH or just had everyone as bridesmaids. 

    For now, try to avoid wedding talk with her whenever possible and hope that things calm down once her wedding is past. And if she has to leave events early, she has to do that. The unfortunate truth is that you really can't control this, so worrying about it just adds stress to your life. I'm sure you have other friends who will party with you at your wedding so focus on the good.
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  • zitiqueenzitiqueen member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    What are the "technicalities with her wedding" that are causing problems?

    Also, if her FI is that much of a controlling jerk, maybe you should be there for her as, you know, a friend. She might need one. Not somebody who is concerned with how long she stays at parties.
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  • RebeccaFlowerRebeccaFlower member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    The only thing your MOH needs to do is show up, in the dress you decide on together and be sober. Yours excuses aren't very good ones and she would be very hurt. Sounds like you need to step back and remember that you have a friendship, not just a wedding going on. 

    Also, MOH is just a title. She doesn't do anything different than bridesmaids, so don't get hung up on who is called what. They aren't required to throw or attend any pre-wedding parties. Also, stag & do parties (the fundraising version) and very tacky. I would urge you to reconsider having any such party since it is rude and unnecessary since as adults, you should be able to plan a wedding you can afford.
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  • levioosalevioosa member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    photokitty said:
    On a side note - PLEASE do not a stag and does party - assuming what you want to plan is a fundraiser for your wedding by selling tickets to strangers and everyone you know. Your wedding is not a charity. Anyone and everyone invited to any pre-wedding activities should be invited to the wedding itself.

    If you are calling a coed shower a stag and does, or confusing it with a stag and hen party (aka bachelor and bachelorette parties) then feel free to ignore my plea and chalk it up to helpful info for lurkers.

    Stags and does - and any other type of fundraising for a wedding - is super tacky. Plan what you can afford to properly host. Do not beg your friends and family - let alone strangers - for a handout. It's just about the tackiest thing you could possibly ever do.
    I was just about to say this. ^

    Also, don't drop her because she essentially has a life.  I am sure she is happy for you, but she has her own life and wedding to contend with too.  Choosing a MOH should not be a "tit for tat" deal.  You chose her because you wanted to honor her.  There was also no reason at all you couldn't have had two MOH's.  

    If you want to end the friendship over something as petty as leaving parties a little early, or not dedicating hours to decorating and crafting, then you're being a bad friend and she's the one who who will be better off without you. People on here will tell you time and time again that they couldn't care less if their MOH helped them craft as long as they got to be there at the wedding.  Celebrating the day with the people they loved was more important than rating family and friends by who did what. 


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  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    rumley said:
    I was so excited after my fiance and I got engaged that I picked my bridesmaid and MOH hastily. Now I'm regretting the MOH I've chosen. I was so torn between my two best friends that my fiance had mentioned that maybe pick my childhood best friend (who had just asked me to be her MOH) then I wouldn't have to choose between my best friends and they would be understanding that I picked a childhood best friend. So i did that. But now we are having a falling out over technicalities with her wedding (mostly because of the controlling groomzilla) and I'm questioning if i made the right choice. She has not been communicating with me as much since then. Also, during my engagement party which was an all day beach type event, she only stayed for a little over an hour cause her fiance was pushing her to leave. I'm worried this is gonna happen with every wedding event, stag and does, bachelorette, even the wedding. What should I do?
    One of my bridesmaids was in the midst of planning her wedding when I asked her (they got married 3 months before we did).  She was also a bit distant because she was planning her own wedding.

    Note to lurkers - you can always have 2 MOHs.  OP could have just asked both of her best friends to be MOH and that would have been perfectly fine.




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  • JellyBean52513JellyBean52513 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited August 2014
    sarahbear31 said: rumley said: I was so excited after my fiance and I got engaged that I picked my bridesmaid and MOH hastily. Now I'm regretting the MOH I've chosen. I was so torn between my two best friends that my fiance had mentioned that maybe pick my childhood best friend (who had just asked me to be her MOH) then I wouldn't have to choose between my best friends and they would be understanding that I picked a childhood best friend. So i did that. But now we are having a falling out over technicalities with her wedding (mostly because of the controlling groomzilla) and I'm questioning if i made the right choice. She has not been communicating with me as much since then. Also, during my engagement party which was an all day beach type event, she only stayed for a little over an hour cause her fiance was pushing her to leave. I'm worried this is gonna happen with every wedding event, stag and does, bachelorette, even the wedding. What should I do?
    One of my bridesmaids was in the midst of planning her wedding when I asked her (they got married 3 months before we did).  She was also a bit distant because she was planning her own wedding.

    Note to lurkers - you can always have 2 MOHs.  OP could have just asked both of her best friends to be MOH and that would have been perfectly fine.


    ----------------------------------------- ETA paragraph break because TK cares not about quote boxes. 


    To the bolded: instead, the OP chose someone else to be the most honored guest of hers (besides her groom, of course) solely for the purpose of settling the Eenie-Meenie-Miney-Moe between two other friends.

    I'm gonna be the asshole with the harsh reality check post. I know this isn't what you came here for, but really, it grinds my gears to read "I couldn't decide between my two best friends, so FI suggested I pick a third party that I can totally justify so nobody gets mad!" This girl is your     childhood best friend, meaning she has been your life long enough that your FIANCE thought of her to be your MOH. You weren't even considering her until you needed to settle an internal debate of what MOH choice wouldn't royally piss off your two other friends. Now, you have the nerve to be upset that she's skipping out on your parties early, letting her husband-to-be take precedent in her life, and you're worried that she won't be committed enough to your wedding events, especially while she's planning her own wedding?! You gotta chill, OP.

    The advice PPs gave is solid: realize that your wedding is NOT a priority in her life, realize that the only thing she *needs* to do with regard to your wedding is show up on the day of, and realize that you're supposed to be longtime good friends and you should show her that respect. Choosing her to be a member of your bridal party should not demote her from childhood best friend to brideslave. If you kick her out as your MOH, it will most likely be a friendship-ending move. Tread lightly.
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