Missing gifts ... including from a bridesmaid

mc123mc · August 2014

This happened to me too, several very close friends did not bring or send a gift. Married early July so right now it's been about a month. I thought about it when I was making the thank you note list out, thinking it's odd that they didn't send a gift but I had to leave it at that.

I am not mad they didn't bring a gift, just sort of curious, did they forget to leave the card, forgot the checkbook, whatever. If they decide they want to send me something later, cool. If not, I'll forget it soon enough and life goes on.

I do understand what the OP is feeling though. It's weird when most people bring a gift and some of your closest friends don't. And it's frustrating to not know why but you can't ask. Forget about it if you can, no need to damage a friendship over a gift or money.

beethery · August 2014

If anyone gets perturbed that someone didn't bring them a gift, they need to work on their priorities. It is that simple.

cafarrie · August 2014

I absolutely agree with @mc123mc, I was surprised (but in no way upset) that certain people did not bring or send gifts, as we have attended many of their weddings in the last year and always purchased something. Etiquette-wise, nothing has to be tit for tat, but let's be honest - that's usually how these things work.

We did have an issue with a gift that was purchased from our registry though.

It was a gift from an Aunt & Uncle from out of state who attended the wedding but shipped a gift. Our registry showed who purchased the gift and when, but we never received it. In this case, we had DHs dad reach out to his brother just to let them know that it was taking longer than the 3-5 day estimate.. It ended up being a shipping issue that the store was unable to reach Aunt/Uncle about, they called the store and fixed it.

In that case though we would have felt horrible if they had gotten charged for a gift we never received, and didn't want them to assume it arrived and then be upset that we didn't send a thank you note!

I think it just depends on the situation and I don't feel like OP was out of line for asking that question that she did. We've all been in awkward situations like this!

indianaalum · August 2014

cafarrie said:

I absolutely agree with @mc123mc, I was surprised (but in no way upset) that certain people did not bring or send gifts, as we have attended many of their weddings in the last year and always purchased something. Etiquette-wise, nothing has to be tit for tat, but let's be honest - that's usually how these things work.

We did have an issue with a gift that was purchased from our registry though.
It was a gift from an Aunt & Uncle from out of state who attended the wedding but shipped a gift. Our registry showed who purchased the gift and when, but we never received it. In this case, we had DHs dad reach out to his brother just to let them know that it was taking longer than the 3-5 day estimate.. It ended up being a shipping issue that the store was unable to reach Aunt/Uncle about, they called the store and fixed it.

In that case though we would have felt horrible if they had gotten charged for a gift we never received, and didn't want them to assume it arrived and then be upset that we didn't send a thank you note!

I think it just depends on the situation and I don't feel like OP was out of line for asking that question that she did. We've all been in awkward situations like this!

I know it isn't politically correct to say it, but I agree..and I feel alot of people pretend they wouldn't care, but I think deep down it would hurt most people a little. When you have spent tons of money on other people's showers, weddings, their childrens's gifts over the years, and then they show up empty handed, you can't help but wonder what happened. You wonder if it got lost, did they forget, did you somehow offend them, did they think your wedding wasn't worth it. I think alot of questions go through your mind, to be honest.

I think most importantly, it leaves you wondering "omg, did it get lost and they THINK I got it?". you can never ask of course, but then you worry that THEY will think you are rude for not thanking them.

There was an episode of How I met your Mother about this exact issue. Lily/ Marshall thought Ted never gave them a wedding gift. They never mentioned it to him but obviously were in disbelief that such a good friend would show up empty handed. For years, Ted thought they were RUDE for not thanking him for the gift he brought. (It turned out in the episode, somebody hijacked his gift and said it was theirs and Lily/Marshall had no idea).

I think that is everyone's greatest fear in these situations, to be honest. People aren't necessarily surprised if their second cousin twice removed doesn't give a gift, but when your own best friend or sibling shows up empty handed, it DOES make you wonder if something happened. of course, you can never ask, but I don't think it makes the bride/groom necessarily rude or selfish for wondering about it

levieenrose · August 2014

Disagree, @indianaalum. We really just didn't care that some people--close people--chose to "just" bring themselves. That's what we wanted. THEM. What I did notice and chose to be hurt by were the people who decided not to show up (ie: not people with illness or other significant reasons) and did not care to provide a reason for their behavior.

I know that etiquette does not dictate that people send thank you notes to those who attended the reception but did not bring a gift (the whole reception-is-the-thank-you-thing) but that's not right for me. In some cases, I am sure that their gift was spending travel money, buying appropriate attire, missing a pay-day, or whatever else, and to me that is no less of a gift than those who--fortunately for them--also had the additional funds to purchase a card or to splurge on a gift.

So every person got a thank you. A long letter thanking them for making the arrangements to come on our special day and for celebrating with us [and for the gift, if applicable]. We mentioned that we noticed they looked great, that they pulled some fabulous dance moves with so-and-so, appreciated the fantastic pictures they sent, or we mentioned we had some great pictures of them to send along, or what have you. And you know what? That also eliminates the whole guest worry of "Gee, I never got a thank you. Did they even get the gift?" or "Soooo rude! They never sent us a thank you for the gift." If someone recieved one of my thank you letters and noticed with concern the absence of a gift mention, they probably would have followed up with us.

indianaalum · August 2014

levieenrose said:

Disagree, @indianaalum. We really just didn't care that some people--close people--chose to "just" bring themselves. That's what we wanted. THEM. What I did notice and chose to be hurt by were the people who decided not to show up (ie: not people with illness or other significant reasons) and did not care to provide a reason for their behavior.

I know that etiquette does not dictate that people send thank you notes to those who attended the reception but did not bring a gift (the whole reception-is-the-thank-you-thing) but that's not right for me. In some cases, I am sure that their gift was spending travel money, buying appropriate attire, missing a pay-day, or whatever else, and to me that is no less of a gift than those who--fortunately for them--also had the additional funds to purchase a card or to splurge on a gift.

So every person got a thank you. A long letter thanking them for making the arrangements to come on our special day and for celebrating with us [and for the gift, if applicable]. We mentioned that we noticed they looked great, that they pulled some fabulous dance moves with so-and-so, appreciated the fantastic pictures they sent, or we mentioned we had some great pictures of them to send along, or what have you. And you know what? That also eliminates the whole guest worry of "Gee, I never got a thank you. Did they even get the gift?" or "Soooo rude! They never sent us a thank you for the gift." If someone recieved one of my thank you letters and noticed with concern the absence of a gift mention, they probably would have followed up with us.

If you read the etiquetter board, many women will say

a) You do not need to send thank yous for coming to the reception, if no gift was given. BECAUSE

b) sending a thank you note to someone who did NOT give a gift, look like you are fishing for a gift and may be perceived as rude in itself.

levieenrose · August 2014

I am quite aware of the Etiquette board and the leading opinion there, but this is something with which I disagree. We do our guests a disservice when we assume they are petty, paranoid, or suspicious people. If I was a manipulative person or someone who was really fishing for a gift, they would be smart enough to figure it out. It would be pretty obvious to anyone intelligent, which I am assuming they are.

We [as a community] don’t refuse to thank Great Aunt Melda for her holiday gift because in a weak moment of low self-esteem she might say to herself, “Oh lordy, I bet they know about that more expensive model which I didn’t buy them!”

We don’t suppress our verbal expressions of appreciation for our parents or our children because they might wonder about what we really want from them.

We don’t choose to avoid helping that stranger balancing too many boxes going into or out of the same establishment because they might assume that we are hitting on them or that we’re trying to steal from them.

We don’t circumvent donating clothing to the local family who lost everything in a house fire because they might feel embarrassed about their situation or snub our poor taste in style.

To me, the person who spent months on his/her best behavior and volunteering overtime to get out of parole for a day--and who borrowed clothing and drove alone for nearly a full day there and back to be with us for a ceremony--is just as deserving of our appreciation as someone who could afford to drop a couple hundred extra bucks on us in lieu of going out to lunch one time that week. Yeah, it’s an extreme example and it would be pretty crazy if it was true for more than two of the guests at our wedding who either did or did not present a gift in addition to their presence. The point is that I believe in giving people the benefit of the doubt. And when you believe in someone (unless they are conniving or have serious issues), they often try to be worthy of it. Furthermore, I’m not holding back perfectly reasonable expressions of appreciation, love, or compassion to anyone because one should generally assume that people are suspicious and miserable about getting such good stuff.

ETA: weird paragraph spacing...

[Deleted User] · September 2014

I completely understand where you are coming from. We just went through our cards/gifts and a few people including one of my best friends, did not leave something. My concern is NOT that they did not give us a gift... it is that their card was lost or stolen and it contains a check or a gift card that they would want to cancel! I feel bad about asking and not sure how to proceed. I would want to know if my card that contained a 300$ check was not received so that I could cancel it asap!

irishfly · November 2014

I can see why a BM didn't give you a gift. I don't think you're "greedy as fuck" like someone said. You just want to know if you've been robbed! I totally get that. Maybe you can have a mutual friend hint about what they gave you and see if they can find out anything?

penelope4612 · November 2014

FWIW, it's now 5 months after our wedding and we just had a few more gifts appear at our door. It's possible that people will send them later. I remember thinking it was odd that a few people hadn't gotten us gifts (less so friends, more so a few family members) and wondering if they got lost or misplaced, but we sent out Thank You cards immediately in response to gifts and haven't heard back that anyone is missing a Thank You so we're figuring that we *probably* don't have any missing gifts out there.

Also, once our wedding pics came in, I emailed various friends with digital files of the pics they were in, and also mailed copies of pics to family members. Some of these friends/family did not get us a gift and I thanked all of them for coming in the email/card that I included the pics in. However, we ultimately decided not to send individual thank yous to people who didn't get us gifts because we were afraid it would seem like we had alternative motives.

[Deleted User] · November 2014

They supported you on your day. BOOM. that's your gift. don't carry resentment. Congrats on your union

beethery · November 2014

@crankyturtle You keep up the awesome, alright?

[Deleted User] · November 2014

@beethery *high five*

Missing gifts ... including from a bridesmaid

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