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Was I rude?

ninewest86ninewest86 member
First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
Our RSVPs are due in a few days and we're getting some flack from one of my FH's aunts. 

It all boils down to family drama, but a little back story...Aunt and Uncle have been married over 30 years.  Aunt is FMIL's sister and Uncle is FFIL's best friend since they were kids.  Aunt walked out on Uncle about 3 years ago.  Neither has filed for divorce, they're not even legally separated.  Aunt moved out of marital home and into her boyfriend's home.  Since then this entire situation has divided FH's family on choosing Aunt or Uncle's side and Aunt has been doing some pretty nasty things to Uncle just to hurt him including leaving him financially destitute and manipulating his kids against him. FH and I have never met the boyfriend and really haven't seen Aunt more than once in the past 3 years.  We see Uncle pretty regularly since he is still friends with FFIL. 

When we sent invitations we invited both Aunt and Uncle as singles.  While I know that people in long-term relationships should be extended a +1, I didn't think it was appropriate to invite Aunt's boyfriend while she's still legally married to her husband who will also be at the wedding.  If they were divorced or had at least filed I might have felt differently since they were taking steps to dissolve their marriage and move on, but for this Catholic family it just seems like she's rubbing this relationship in Uncle's face and openly committing adultery.  At this point I don't want her at the wedding and FH has said she's no longer welcome in our home or at our wedding because of how she's acting and being nasty to FMIL. 

So, should I apologize for not inviting the boyfriend or is this a case where etiquette doesn't apply to rude and nasty people?
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Re: Was I rude?

  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
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    I feel like technically you should've invited her with the boyfriend OR not at all.
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  • ninewest86ninewest86 member
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    He made the decision back when we were putting the invite list together that he wanted to invite them both since they are his Aunt and Uncle, but he wanted to be fair, so they were each invited individually.  Neither of us thought this would be an issue since it's our wedding and isn't about their relationship or lack thereof.
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
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    MegEn1 said:
    While the rule is that all people in relationships should have their SO invited, I don't think this rule applies to people who are clearly and openly breaking etiquette themselves.

    Maybe I'm a pearl-clutching old stick-in-the-mud, but threads like this where someone is cheating with someone else, dating someone else in secret, etc. etc. means that THEY are breaking etiquette already. I should not be required to go along with their BS.

    If Aunt and Uncle don't want to be invited as a social unit, they should get divorced or at least seperate. Until then (as it says on so many PPD threads) once you are married, you are MARRIED. There's not really wiggle room to be married but claim you're something else even though you're, you know. Married.
    Legality aside, they no longer live together. I agree with you that this lady sounds like she is making awful and hurtful choices, but clearly she sees herself as in a relationship with the boyfriend, not with the Uncle. By your logic, Aunt and Uncle should be invited together as a unit, not even as singles.
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  • MegEn1MegEn1 member
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    edited August 2014
    IndianapolisJane said:
    MegEn1 said:
    While the rule is that all people in relationships should have their SO invited, I don't think this rule applies to people who are clearly and openly breaking etiquette themselves.

    Maybe I'm a pearl-clutching old stick-in-the-mud, but threads like this where someone is cheating with someone else, dating someone else in secret, etc. etc. means that THEY are breaking etiquette already. I should not be required to go along with their BS.

    If Aunt and Uncle don't want to be invited as a social unit, they should get divorced or at least seperate. Until then (as it says on so many PPD threads) once you are married, you are MARRIED. There's not really wiggle room to be married but claim you're something else even though you're, you know. Married.
    Legality aside, they no longer live together. I agree with you that this lady sounds like she is making awful and hurtful choices, but clearly she sees herself as in a relationship with the boyfriend, not with the Uncle. By your logic, Aunt and Uncle should be invited together as a unit, not even as singles.
    If it were me, I'd send them each an invitation at their particular location and be done with it. They are still married, they are still a social unit. I'm all about being a good hostess, but there is a line where I will NOT reward guests for their own poor etiquette.

    ETA: Removed where I repeated myself because TYPING IS HARD GUYS.

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  • scrunchythiefscrunchythief member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited August 2014
    If it were me, I would want to know why after three years they're not divorced.  My parents didn't get divorced until almost 2 years after they separated because they were adjusting to the change and were considering reconciliation for a while.  That doesn't really sound like the case here, but in my parents' situation I would have invited them like you did, a separate invite to each house, no date.  

    Are they in the process of divorcing?  I'm not sure you need to a    lways legally separate (really have no clue on this one, I just don't think my parents did).  I agree that I don't think it's right for someone to date while still married, but if he wants to keep the relationship with his aunt, I think he should consider that this BF looks to be a bit more permanent fixture in his aunt's life.  

    These are though, rea    lly issues for your FI to consider/talk out with you if he wants.  I really don't think you should step in the middle of this one.

    ETF clarity
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
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    MegEn1 said:
    IndianapolisJane said:
    MegEn1 said:
    While the rule is that all people in relationships should have their SO invited, I don't think this rule applies to people who are clearly and openly breaking etiquette themselves.

    Maybe I'm a pearl-clutching old stick-in-the-mud, but threads like this where someone is cheating with someone else, dating someone else in secret, etc. etc. means that THEY are breaking etiquette already. I should not be required to go along with their BS.

    If Aunt and Uncle don't want to be invited as a social unit, they should get divorced or at least seperate. Until then (as it says on so many PPD threads) once you are married, you are MARRIED. There's not really wiggle room to be married but claim you're something else even though you're, you know. Married.
    Legality aside, they no longer live together. I agree with you that this lady sounds like she is making awful and hurtful choices, but clearly she sees herself as in a relationship with the boyfriend, not with the Uncle. By your logic, Aunt and Uncle should be invited together as a unit, not even as singles.
    If it were me, I'd send them each an invitation at their particular location and be done with it. They are still married, they are still a social unit. I'm all about being a good hostess, but there is a line where I will NOT reward guests for their own poor etiquette.

    ETA: Removed where I repeated myself because TYPING IS HARD GUYS.
    Nah, I see what you mean. I totes feel like Aunt Jerkface should've just been left out altogether, but obviously that ship has sailed.
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    OP, I think in this situation I would have done exactly what you did. I also feel that if the Aunt and Uncle were in the midst of the divorce process then I would feel differently. At this point I think you just need to leave it alone.

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  • Bubblegum5586Bubblegum5586 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    EllieAugust said:
    Technically you did invite her with her significant other HER HUSBAND. (You just sent two invites because they have multiple residences) If she isn't willing to take the steps to either legally separate or divorce, I do not think it is appropriate for her to expect her bf to be invited. The advice given all the time is that you can't be engaged to someone who is still married...I think this falls in the same category.
    I agree with this. I think you made the same decision I would have.
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  • novella1186novella1186 member
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    OP, I don't blame you at all for doing what you did with the invites. Given the situation, I'd say this is correct. However if it were me, I would not have invited the aunt. She seems like a total jerk. She should be thanking you for the invite, considering her nasty behavior. Just let her know etiquette dictates that you invite her SO, which you did, since she's still married to him. End of story. 
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  • STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
    First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    So crap-tastic aunt you don't like and rarely see is annoyed? Tell her BF isn't invited and can't come. Cross your fingers she decides not to attend too. Count yourself lucky a person you dislike is out of your life.
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  • ninewest86ninewest86 member
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    scrunchythief said:
    If it were me, I would want to know why after three years they're not divorced.  My parents didn't get divorced until almost 2 years after they separated because they were adjusting to the change and were considering reconciliation for a while.  That doesn't really sound like the case here, but in my parents' situation I would have invited them like you did, a separate invite to each house, no date.  

    Are they in the process of divorcing?  I'm not sure you need to a    lways legally separate (really have no clue on this one, I just don't think my parents did).  I agree that I don't think it's right for someone to date while still married, but if he wants to keep the relationship with his aunt, I think he should consider that this BF looks to be a bit more permanent fixture in his aunt's life.  

    These are though, rea    lly issues for your FI to consider/talk out with you if he wants.  I really don't think you should step in the middle of this one.

    ETF clarity
    Uncle is living in some delusional state where he thinks she'll come back to him, Aunt is being a jerk and trying to alienate him from his adult children (yes they can make their own choices but it's still a crappy thing to do to your kids).  Since Uncle thinks she'll come back and is spending all of his unemployment paying the 3 mortgages (on the same house) that she walked out on, he doesn't have money for an attorney.  No idea why she hasn't filed except that she's not a very mature person.  The boyfriend was her high school sweetheart so FMIL thinks she's having some sort of mid-life crisis. 

    As for legally separating in this case it's more a matter of he's disabled and could technically get spousal support, they have a lot of debt on the house and when she left their youngest child was a minor (16 or 17) and she should have had a provision for child support.  It's more a money thing.  She's not acting responsibly is the bottom line. 

    FI and I discussed this last year when we made the invite list.  I left it to him to decide what he wanted and he chose (and I agreed) that neither would get a plus 1.  Aunt has since declined to attend on her own, which is when FMIL got involved because she was upset that Aunt would decline.  Then it all came out that Aunt is upset at boyfriend not being invited.  Her kids are coming, her brothers and sisters and mother will be there, it's not like she wouldn't know anyone. FI and FMIL are rather upset that she's acting this way.  We don't need to rescind an invitation at this point since she's declined, FI was upset and stated he wouldn't be inviting her to anything in the future. 
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  • MegEn1MegEn1 member
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    ninewest86 said:
    scrunchythief said:
    If it were me, I would want to know why after three years they're not divorced.  My parents didn't get divorced until almost 2 years after they separated because they were adjusting to the change and were considering reconciliation for a while.  That doesn't really sound like the case here, but in my parents' situation I would have invited them like you did, a separate invite to each house, no date.  

    Are they in the process of divorcing?  I'm not sure you need to a    lways legally separate (really have no clue on this one, I just don't think my parents did).  I agree that I don't think it's right for someone to date while still married, but if he wants to keep the relationship with his aunt, I think he should consider that this BF looks to be a bit more permanent fixture in his aunt's life.  

    These are though, rea    lly issues for your FI to consider/talk out with you if he wants.  I really don't think you should step in the middle of this one.

    ETF clarity
    Uncle is living in some delusional state where he thinks she'll come back to him, Aunt is being a jerk and trying to alienate him from his adult children (yes they can make their own choices but it's still a crappy thing to do to your kids).  Since Uncle thinks she'll come back and is spending all of his unemployment paying the 3 mortgages (on the same house) that she walked out on, he doesn't have money for an attorney.  No idea why she hasn't filed except that she's not a very mature person.  The boyfriend was her high school sweetheart so FMIL thinks she's having some sort of mid-life crisis. 

    As for legally separating in this case it's more a matter of he's disabled and could technically get spousal support, they have a lot of debt on the house and when she left their youngest child was a minor (16 or 17) and she should have had a provision for child support.  It's more a money thing.  She's not acting responsibly is the bottom line. 

    FI and I discussed this last year when we made the invite list.  I left it to him to decide what he wanted and he chose (and I agreed) that neither would get a plus 1.  Aunt has since declined to attend on her own, which is when FMIL got involved because she was upset that Aunt would decline.  Then it all came out that Aunt is upset at boyfriend not being invited.  Her kids are coming, her brothers and sisters and mother will be there, it's not like she wouldn't know anyone. FI and FMIL are rather upset that she's acting this way.  We don't need to rescind an invitation at this point since she's declined, FI was upset and stated he wouldn't be inviting her to anything in the future. 
    That sounds like the best of all possible solutions. For the wedding, anyway.

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  • beetherybeethery member
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    STARMOON44 said:
    So crap-tastic aunt you don't like and rarely see is annoyed? Tell her BF isn't invited and can't come. Cross your fingers she decides not to attend too. Count yourself lucky a person you dislike is out of your life.
    THIS. Oh, Aunt Jerkface, I'm sorry you're pressed. Tough titty!
    --

    I'm the fuck     out.

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  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 member
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    ninewest86, sounds like you & FI made a very wise decision based on the situation at hand.  Stand your ground and good luck!




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  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
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    MegEn1 said:
    While the rule is that all people in relationships should have their SO invited, I don't think this rule applies to people who are clearly and openly breaking etiquette themselves.

    Maybe I'm a pearl-clutching old stick-in-the-mud, but threads like this where someone is cheating with someone else, dating someone else in secret, etc. etc. means that THEY are breaking etiquette already. I should not be required to go along with their BS.

    If Aunt and Uncle don't want to be invited as a social unit, they should get divorced or at least seperate. Until then (as it says on so many PPD threads) once you are married, you are MARRIED. There's not really wiggle room to be married but claim you're something else even though you're, you know. Married.
    This.

    I'd never invite Aunt with her paramour- because that's what he is, the illicit lover of a married person,  when Aunt is still legally married to Uncle.  Sorrynotsorry, I'm pretty sure affairs are against freaking etiquette and wedding etiquette aside, it's just general BS and a slap in the face to FI's family.

    It's FI's family, and he chose not to invite his Aunt's lover.  I think that's fine.  If she wants to have her lover socially recognized and accepted at family functions, then she should get a damn divorce.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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  • bahamabride2015bahamabride2015 member
    5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper First Anniversary
    I probably wouldn't have invited her at all as you are closer to him and her being there might be uncomfortable for him, especially if she brings the BF.
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