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Reception Invite Only

kldragankldragan member
First Comment First Anniversary
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
My fiancé and I wish to have a small intimate ceremony with only immediate family and our wedding party, but we would like to invite additional family and friends to the reception afterwards?  We are having our wedding in an atypical location without a seated dinner and multiple floors.  Only about 40 people of our 100 guests would fit on the floor which the ceremony is being held.  Please don't recommend that I choose a different location or make the guest list smaller.  It's too late for that, and I'm trying to find solutions.  Is it acceptable or considered rude to invite the majority of guests to only our wedding reception?
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Re: Reception Invite Only

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    STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
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    If you care more about your location and having an intimate ceremony (40 isn't intimate) than the other 60 I doubt you'll care to hear that only inviting them to part is rude.

    10 or 20 at the ceremony and 100 at the reception is acceptable. 40 isn't.
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    CMGragainCMGragain member
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    Just how big is this wedding party for your intimate immediate family only wedding?
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
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    kldragankldragan member
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    Thank you for your thoughts.  If we did have a smaller ceremony it would be only our parents and siblings (which make up most of the wedding party) around 4:00  I was trying to paint a picture of how small the space was when I mentioned 40 would fit, not that we were inviting a select 40 of our guests.  Our reception would be around 6:00 and is going to have buffets on 3 of the different levels to include sliders, salads, soup shooters, mini sandwiches, and an array of other things.  I definitely don't want my guests to be hungry even though there isn't a plated meal.
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    RebeccaB88RebeccaB88 member
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    edited June 2014
    I'm not sure any of us can help you with this, the way you want us to. You're asking us to help you make something impolite into something polite, without doing the two option that will make it polite.

    A very intimate ceremony (maybe 10-15 people, immediate family only and no friends) followed by a much larger (100+) people is technically etiquette approved, but many people don't like it. As a PP said, the purpose of the event is the ceremony, not the party after. Personally, I wouldn't attend if I wasn't invited to the ceremony - because that's the important part, that's what I want to see.

    If you won't find a new venue and won't cut your list to just the people included the ceremony, then move the ceremony to the floor that will hold all 100 people and invite everyone to witness it. Even if it's not what you want, it's the right thing to do.

    If you won't do any of those three things...then I really don't know what to tell you. There is nothing you can do at that point to make your wedding acceptable.

    I'm assuming invitations haven't gone out yet and you didn't send STDates to anyone. If so, then you're pretty much stuck with it the way it is, because you can't un-invite anyone. If not, you still have time to suck it up and do the right thing.

    ETA: I wouldn't want to travel up and down 3 floors to get food. Please have the entire reception on one level. The amount of food you have sounds perfectly fine and yummy, but on 3 floors? That makes no sense to me. One floor, one room.
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    STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
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    So how many people are you inviting to the ceremony then?
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    CMGragainCMGragain member
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    If you cut your ceremony to immediate family only, you may invite other guests to the reception.  I would have problems with the stairs because I have a bad knee.  What are you going to do about guests in a similar situation?
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
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    AddieCakeAddieCake member
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    I am only on board with it if you are inviting like 10-15 people tops to the ceremony.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    kldragankldragan member
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    I want to start with... in retrospect I made a mistake with my space and would choose somewhere else if I could.  My fiancé and I are paying for the wedding ourselves and the space is booked and payed for.  Not being an event planner I did't realize the logistical problem that I created.  We don't have the money to book a new space.  There would be less than 20 people at the ceremony, but it's sounding like that isn't a good option.  
    Yes, we have already sent out save the dates, which is why I can't lower the guest list, or I would do that.  Also, no one floor holds more than 40 people at one time, but the venue can accommodate up to 150 total.  If there was a place to accommodate all 100, I wouldn't be on this message board asking for helpful suggestions.  I'm not try to make something polite that isn't.  I do care about my guests which is why I was trying to come up with a solution.  It sounds as if I invite everyone to the reception they also need to be invited to the ceremony.  If that's what I need to do and having a small ceremony isn't polite then is there another suggestion for how to make my venue work besides suck it up which is entirely unhelpful.  
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    lilacck28lilacck28 member
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    edited June 2014
    @kldragon you said: "There would be less than 20 people at the ceremony, but it's sounding like that isn't a good option. " and " It sounds as if I invite everyone to the reception they also need to be invited to the ceremony. " I'm not sure where you got that. Most people said that if you stuck to 10-15 people at the ceremony then it would be okay/ within etiquette. If you have a lot of siblings or something and it is 19 people, I still think that is fine. As long as you're sticking to immediate family I think your small ceremony large reception plan is fine. Not ideal, but okay. 

    I considered a tiny wedding. I would have invited parents, siblings, and grandparents. But my fiance doesn't have any grandparents alive anymore (I have three, plus my grandma has a boyfriend), so he would have probably invited an aunt and uncle and maybe 2 cousins (plus a SO) that he is close to instead. My aunts and uncles might have griped, but I wouldn't care. He deserved to have some more family there to support him just like I would have. If you're doing a substitution like that, I think that's fine as well. 

    Another option is looking for another ceremony space to rent that will hold everyone. Maybe outdoors near your reception venue. 
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    NYCMercedesNYCMercedes member
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    It sound lovely if you have a roaming reception on three floors with food everywhere. Just keep the ceremony size really small.
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    kldragankldragan member
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    Thank you for the suggestions!  I hadn't thought about a park.  There is one down the street, so that might work!  There is an elevator and seating.  Just not traditional tables.
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    QueerFemmeQueerFemme member
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    Can one floor accommodate 100 people if there are no tables? Like, can you use one floor for your ceremony and just have chairs and no tables on that floor?

    image

    Websites/blogs where our wedding has been featured:

    http://www.dapperq.com/2013/11/a-very-dapper-wedding/

    http://www.onabicyclebuiltfortwo.com/2013/10/wedding-christina-g.html

    http://4realequalityweddings.com/2014/05/16/g-christina/

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    LondonLisaLondonLisa member
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    Hi, 
    It looks like you have already received some good advice on here. Just a few points:
    1.)  If you do the park route (which sounds ideal), you have to invite all the guests. Also, you need to hire a chair for everyone to sit during your ceremony. 

    2.) You said that the ceremony is at 4 and the reception starts at 6. Do you have a cocktail hour in between? There should be no gap in between the ceremony ending and the reception starting

    3.) JCBride brought up some really important logistical issues that you really have to consider, such as 1st dances, cake cutting, elevators, and physical ailments that may not allow people to go up and down stairs. 
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    lilacck28lilacck28 member
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    scribe95 said:
    I would just limit the size to 40 people and keep the whole event to one floor. What happens when you cut the cake or have your first dance or are introduced? Only some guests get to see that because they are stuck on another floor? 
    OP already sent out Save the Dates, presumably to more than 40 as she has said that she can't downsize the guest list because of that. 
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    climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
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    If you're truly having just immediate family at the ceremony, I think you're fine. 
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    PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
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    kldragan said:
    My fiancé and I wish to have a small intimate ceremony with only immediate family and our wedding party, but we would like to invite additional family and friends to the reception afterwards?  We are having our wedding in an atypical location without a seated dinner and multiple floors.  Only about 40 people of our 100 guests would fit on the floor which the ceremony is being held.  Please don't recommend that I choose a different location or make the guest list smaller.  It's too late for that, and I'm trying to find solutions.  Is it acceptable or considered rude to invite the majority of guests to only our wedding reception?
    If you are going to go this route, then you MUST limit the ceremony to immediate family, grandparents, and wedding party only.  And if that means you have 15 or 20 people witnessing your ceremony, then I think I'd eliminate non-family WP members.

    I really don't care for this trend of having a "small, intimate" ceremony and then a much larger reception. . . I just don't get it.  Speaking in general terms and not to OP, If your venue can't hold everyone you'd like to invite, then you choose a larger venue.  If you don't like being the center of attention and feel uncomfortable in front of large groups of people, then I would forgo the large reception afterwards since you will still be the center of attention.

    People want to witness your actual wedding ceremony, especially if they are traveling OOT.  The reception is just a glorified party that is supposed to honor and thank your guests for witnessing your ceremony. . . doesn't make sense to invite 80 ppl to a party to honor them for something they never saw.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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    plainjane0415plainjane0415 member
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    I understand the thoughts of having a small intimate ceremony.  My FI and I are doing it mainly because most weddings we have both been in turn into complete dramafests and we want to have a real wedding.  One where it's not about who's doing what and how everyone looks and rather it's about us and our true love for each other and us being able to soak that in on our special day and not be distracted by things that may not matter as much.

    However,  we are having only our immediate family at our ceremony, and then a hometown reception 4 weeks later for upwards of 200 people.  We are accomodating these guests in every way possible by having a venue large enough to hold everyone with no problem.  Just reading through all of your posts it sounds like most of the damage has been done with having STD's sent out, and it looks like your only choice is to have the reception at the venue you have secured.  I'm really not sure how else you could fix this. 
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    Liatris2010Liatris2010 mod
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    Closed, over two months old.
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