Advice Needed

Shayana · August 2014

My fiance' doesn't seem to want any groomsmen he said he is fine with it being just the two of us. However, I'm contemplating whether I need a bridesmaid to help me with the wedding planning, hold my boutique, hold my dress train, hold the rings, etc. Do I need a go to girl? Or has anyone been married without a bridal party? How did you organize everything without a bridal party? I want at least one bridesmaid because there is one friend in particular that is eager to help me plan my wedding and she just got married so I know she can be helpful and supportive. She even offered to host my bridal shower which I completely forgot about! I just feel like if I include her I will be obligated to include my SIL and one of my bossy friend's who demanded I make her a MOH so she can boss the bridal party around or she will just sit and watch because she refuses to be a bridesmaid. I don't know why she feels so strongly about the title when we have completely opposite taste. I'm very girly and she is a tomboy and she said she would boss my bridal party around and have them wear gauchos and sneakers......not sure if she was joking but I wasn't laughing at all. I don't want to offer someone something they demanded to have but don't deserve.

I feel like no matter what I do there will be some drama with or without help from a bridal party. I have no idea what to do but I can see this getting out of hand and with every bridesmaid a groomsmen added as well, which my fiance' doesn't want even when one of the groomsmen is his best friend. How can I help us both get what we want and avoid the drama?

southernbelle0915 · August 2014

Shayana said:
My fiance' doesn't seem to want any groomsmen he said he is fine with it being just the two of us. However, I'm contemplating whether I need a bridesmaid to help me with the wedding planning, hold my boutique, hold my dress train, hold the rings, etc. Do I need a go to girl? Or has anyone been married without a bridal party? How did you organize everything without a bridal party? I want at least one bridesmaid because there is one friend in particular that is eager to help me plan my wedding and she just got married so I know she can be helpful and supportive. She even offered to host my bridal shower which I completely forgot about! I just feel like if I include her I will be obligated to include my SIL and one of my bossy friend's who demanded I make her a MOH so she can boss the bridal party around or she will just sit and watch because she refuses to be a bridesmaid. I don't know why she feels so strongly about the title when we have completely opposite taste. I'm very girly and she is a tomboy and she said she would boss my bridal party around and have them wear gauchos and sneakers......not sure if she was joking but I wasn't laughing at all. I don't want to offer someone something they demanded to have but don't deserve.

I feel like no matter what I do there will be some drama with or without help from a bridal party. I have no idea what to do but I can see this getting out of hand and with every bridesmaid a groomsmen added as well, which my fiance' doesn't want even when one of the groomsmen is his best friend. How can I help us both get what we want and avoid the drama?

1) you don't need to have even sides so if you want BMs but your FI doesn't want GMs its perfectly fine.
2) whether or not you have BMs, you do all the planning yourself. BMs are not obligated to help you with anything wedding related. They are your guests of honor and their only obligations are to show up to your wedding in the dress you specify (you'll ask their budget before choosing), on time and sober.
3) anyone can throw you a shower - doesn't need to be a BM

If you want to have no BMs, you can still honor whoever you want by getting them a corsage and a good seat at the wedding. They don't need a label.

Maggie0829 · August 2014

Shayana said:

My fiance' doesn't seem to want any groomsmen he said he is fine with it being just the two of us. However, I'm contemplating whether I need a bridesmaid to help me with the wedding planning, hold my boutique, hold my dress train, hold the rings, etc. Do I need a go to girl? Or has anyone been married without a bridal party? How did you organize everything without a bridal party? I want at least one bridesmaid because there is one friend in particular that is eager to help me plan my wedding and she just got married so I know she can be helpful and supportive. She even offered to host my bridal shower which I completely forgot about! I just feel like if I include her I will be obligated to include my SIL and one of my bossy friend's who demanded I make her a MOH so she can boss the bridal party around or she will just sit and watch because she refuses to be a bridesmaid. I don't know why she feels so strongly about the title when we have completely opposite taste. I'm very girly and she is a tomboy and she said she would boss my bridal party around and have them wear gauchos and sneakers......not sure if she was joking but I wasn't laughing at all. I don't want to offer someone something they demanded to have but don't deserve.

I feel like no matter what I do there will be some drama with or without help from a bridal party. I have no idea what to do but I can see this getting out of hand and with every bridesmaid a groomsmen added as well, which my fiance' doesn't want even when one of the groomsmen is his best friend. How can I help us both get what we want and avoid the drama?

First, a BM is not supposed to nor required to help you with wedding planning. That is what your FI is for since it is his wedding as well.

As for holding your bouquet/rings/train and all that other jazz you really don't need a designated person (hand off your bouquet to your Mom to hold while you exchange vows...have your FI pocket the rings or give them to your officiant before the ceremony starts...and unless your train is like Princess Dianas you really don't need a lot of help). Remember a BM is someone you want to honor, not someone who is acting as your "bridal bitch" for the day or helping you plan your wedding.

Also, anyone can plan your bridal shower, not just a BM.

Honestly, it sounds like you only want to ask a person to be your BM because you want their help, not because you want to honor their friendship. So because of this I would skip including anyone.

And you aren't obligated to include anyone in your wedding. And personally, if I had a friend who was super bossy and already expressed her desires and feelings (even if she was joking) like your friend did, then she would be the last person I included.

Shayana · August 2014

True, the friend who is offering to help, I am still getting to know her. So I'm not sure about honoring a friendship that is just beginning. She has just offered her help and support so I felt she would deserve to be in the wedding. I definitely thought about including my mom and grandma for holding the rings and such. The only reason I said I may need a bridesmaid is because she recommended that I at least have one and that I was in my SIL wedding and saw how much we as bridesmaid helped her. The MOH helped straighten out her train and hold it, she held the rings, and etc.

Maggie0829 said:

Shayana said:

My fiance' doesn't seem to want any groomsmen he said he is fine with it being just the two of us. However, I'm contemplating whether I need a bridesmaid to help me with the wedding planning, hold my boutique, hold my dress train, hold the rings, etc. Do I need a go to girl? Or has anyone been married without a bridal party? How did you organize everything without a bridal party? I want at least one bridesmaid because there is one friend in particular that is eager to help me plan my wedding and she just got married so I know she can be helpful and supportive. She even offered to host my bridal shower which I completely forgot about! I just feel like if I include her I will be obligated to include my SIL and one of my bossy friend's who demanded I make her a MOH so she can boss the bridal party around or she will just sit and watch because she refuses to be a bridesmaid. I don't know why she feels so strongly about the title when we have completely opposite taste. I'm very girly and she is a tomboy and she said she would boss my bridal party around and have them wear gauchos and sneakers......not sure if she was joking but I wasn't laughing at all. I don't want to offer someone something they demanded to have but don't deserve.

I feel like no matter what I do there will be some drama with or without help from a bridal party. I have no idea what to do but I can see this getting out of hand and with every bridesmaid a groomsmen added as well, which my fiance' doesn't want even when one of the groomsmen is his best friend. How can I help us both get what we want and avoid the drama?

First, a BM is not supposed to nor required to help you with wedding planning. That is what your FI is for since it is his wedding as well.

As for holding your bouquet/rings/train and all that other jazz you really don't need a designated person (hand off your bouquet to your Mom to hold while you exchange vows...have your FI pocket the rings or give them to your officiant before the ceremony starts...and unless your train is like Princess Dianas you really don't need a lot of help). Remember a BM is someone you want to honor, not someone who is acting as your "bridal bitch" for the day or helping you plan your wedding.

Also, anyone can plan your bridal shower, not just a BM.

Honestly, it sounds like you only want to ask a person to be your BM because you want their help, not because you want to honor their friendship. So because of this I would skip including anyone.

And you aren't obligated to include anyone in your wedding. And personally, if I had a friend who was super bossy and already expressed her desires and feelings (even if she was joking) like your friend did, then she would be the last person I included.

Shayana · August 2014

Thanks for your advice you definitely gave me somethings to consider.

Honestly, it sounds like you only want to ask a person to be your BM because you want their help, not because you want to honor their friendship. So because of this I would skip including anyone.

I don't have any friends and I thought that for my wedding it would give me a chance to trust and build new friendships. But maybe I shouldn't go about it like this.

Maggie0829 · August 2014

You definitely do not need to have a wedding party. You will be surprised who will step up and help you out with your train if you really need it.

And since this is a new friendship I wouldn't include her. If she is offering her help that is great and very nice of her but just because she is helping does not mean that she needs to be included in your wedding. I would just make sure to write her a very nice thank you note and maybe even get her a small gift to show your appreciation for what she helped you with.

But there are a lot of brides who manage just fine and do not have a wedding party.

PineapplePopsicles · August 2014

Shayana said:

Thanks for your advice you definitely gave me somethings to consider.

Honestly, it sounds like you only want to ask a person to be your BM because you want their help, not because you want to honor their friendship. So because of this I would skip including anyone.

I don't have any friends and I thought that for my wedding it would give me a chance to trust and build new friendships. But maybe I shouldn't go about it like this.

Your wedding is NOT the time to try to make new friends. This will not end well for you. I don't have a wedding party and it has been just fine. We don't even have a flower girl or ring bearer. We will hold eachother's rings and I'm sure I can find someone to straighten my train. Plan your wedding with your fiance, and work on creating those friendships if you'd like, but they don't have to be your bridesmaids in order to do so.

Shayana · August 2014

Thanks for helping me decide. I will just hire a day of planner to keep things in order.

JCbride2015 · August 2014

Shayana said:

Thanks for helping me decide. I will just hire a day of planner to keep things in order.

I was just about to suggest this. Perfect solution.

You can still try to build a friendship with this woman, and it's very sweet she has offered to host your shower. You can gratefully accept the shower, have a lovely time, and give her a TY note and hostess gift in appreciation. Maybe give her a corsage at the wedding. Those things can help build a friendship without the BM label.

Shayana · August 2014

Yeah, I'm definitely considering that. I helped her with crafting projects for her bridesmaids gifts and she gave me many thank you cards. It makes sense to show gratitude in another way instead of just including her in the wedding. I had a gut feeling it should just be him and I anyway, I just needed another perspective on it.

southernbelle0915 · August 2014

Shayana said:
Thanks for helping me decide. I will just hire a day of planner to keep things in order.

I enjoyed the planning so we didn't hire anyone for that but I did hire a day of coordinator to keep things running smoothly and on schedule. I'm so glad I did - great decision!

Jen4948 · August 2014

You don't have to not have bridesmaids just because your FI doesn't want groomsmen. Sides don't have to be even.

And finally, being a bridesmaid doesn't obligate one to "help" with the wedding. Their duties consist of acquiring the designated outfit and showing up in it on time, sober, and in good spirits. They are not required to plan the wedding, throw parties, do DIY projects, or assist with setup or cleanup. It's nice when they volunteer to do those things, but again, that's volunteer. It's not their job. And anyone can offer to do those things, and you can accept those offers if you do it graciously. It's okay, even nice, for your friend to do that. But you don't have to make her a bridesmaid on the basis of them.

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