Wedding Woes

How would you like it if..

So after more than 7 years of engagement, the wedding is finally less than a month away! And we are so excited, and nervous, and anxious, and happy. It was such a struggle in many ways to get here. Can you say it's about time? Now's as good a time as any, right?

Apparently my mother-in-law thinks so..to plan a wedding FOR HERSELF, that is. She informs us of this just the other day. It will be the week before ours. And she's upset that several family members, including her kids, have said they won't come. 

His family lives out of state. They've known the wedding date for about a year and a half. I was already irritated that a lot of them can't make it and/or didn't bother responding, or can only stay part of a day etc. But this, my friends, this takes the cake. It's her third marriage, and it's "not a big deal" so she can't understand why all her kids are upset about it. She's been "waiting all summer" for some financial issues to get resolved so that's why it has to be this coming month. Apparently that's THE ONLY MONTH there is. Of all the self-centered, careless things to do.

I feel like his side is treating our whole wedding like an afterthought. Not only has not a single one offered any physical or financial help during the whole thing, but they are kind of treating it like an inconvenience to come all the way out here. Not that we expected any help, but a simple call to say "Hey, what can we do to help?" would have sufficed. Forget the fact that we didn't have a shower or anything because I was trying to make it easy for everyone, or that we didn't have anyone rent tuxes and the bridesmaid dresses were under $50. 

I'm trying so hard right now to let it roll off me. I realize tensions are high during wedding planning, but COME ON. And now I'm thinking, no way is her third husband being in any of our photos, because I'm pretty sure he'll be gone in about two years anyway. Had we married two years ago, another ex's face would have been in the pictures. And two years before that, a different one. And so on, and so on.

The one thing that REALLY gets to me is that instead of being moral support for her son, who's going through a major life event and could really use some of his mom's focus for a couple weeks, she's gotta make it about herself. The look of hurt on his face is a lot more than I can take right now.

 I know I'm being bitter and hateful, so any advice to me so that I don't strangle her?

Re: How would you like it if..

  • Stop being bitter and hateful, it makes you ugly, not her.  Smile graciously and go with the madness.  Also, stop complaining about people not being there or not giving you financial support.  That makes you look bad, not them.

    Also, HMo, get up in here and bring us WonderGoat.
  • I was sympathetic until "Not only has not a single one offered any physical or financial help during the whole thing, but they are kind of treating it like an inconvenience to come all the way out here."

    Why would someone call and offer to help pay for your wedding?  Now this is all I can focus on.
  • That's exactly why I'm venting here instead of to anyone else. I really don't want to feel this way. At all. I want to enjoy this whole experience!

    I'm also not concerned that much that nobody offered financial assistance. Nobody ever has, so it's not something I would expect. I just watched my sister get married, and they got tons of help in many ways. We have never asked his side to lift a finger or open their wallets. I'm just saying, it would have been nice is all.

    I'm being told I shoddy care about this, but seeing how hurt my future husband is over his mom's behavior is bothering me a lot. I mean, your kid is getting married, can you try and be supportive for just a couple weeks instead of having a wedding for YOU, which can be done at any time??
  • I'd be curious to know if your FI's mother has been supportive and nurturing to her son throughout his life.  My guess is that she hasn't and so this is not new behavior.  Is it hurtful?  Yes.  Can you change her? No.  All you and your FI can do is to change your reactions to her.  She isn't going to change, so you change how much you expect from her, how you react to her and how much interaction you have with her.
    image
  • Thanks for the advice. I know that's what we need to do, just having some trouble getting there.
  • Nobody told you to not care.  All you can do is be supportive of your husband and let him vent to you if necessary.  
  • larrygaga said:
    The magic part about the internet is that you can say literally anything you want and the only thing that will happen is that people might say literally whatever they want back. 
    or they may find out who you are IRL and let your mil know.
    image
  • So after more than 7 years of engagement, the wedding is finally less than a month away! And we are so excited, and nervous, and anxious, and happy. It was such a struggle in many ways to get here. Can you say it's about time? Now's as good a time as any, right?

    Apparently my mother-in-law thinks so..to plan a wedding FOR HERSELF, that is. She informs us of this just the other day. It will be the week before ours. And she's upset that several family members, including her kids, have said they won't come. 

    His family lives out of state. They've known the wedding date for about a year and a half. I was already irritated that a lot of them can't make it and/or didn't bother responding, or can only stay part of a day etc. But this, my friends, this takes the cake. It's her third marriage, and it's "not a big deal" so she can't understand why all her kids are upset about it. She's been "waiting all summer" for some financial issues to get resolved so that's why it has to be this coming month. Apparently that's THE ONLY MONTH there is. Of all the self-centered, careless things to do.

    I feel like his side is treating our whole wedding like an afterthought. Not only has not a single one offered any physical or financial help during the whole thing, but they are kind of treating it like an inconvenience to come all the way out here. Not that we expected any help, but a simple call to say "Hey, what can we do to help?" would have sufficed. Forget the fact that we didn't have a shower or anything because I was trying to make it easy for everyone, or that we didn't have anyone rent tuxes and the bridesmaid dresses were under $50. 

    I'm trying so hard right now to let it roll off me. I realize tensions are high during wedding planning, but COME ON. And now I'm thinking, no way is her third husband being in any of our photos, because I'm pretty sure he'll be gone in about two years anyway. Had we married two years ago, another ex's face would have been in the pictures. And two years before that, a different one. And so on, and so on.

    The one thing that REALLY gets to me is that instead of being moral support for her son, who's going through a major life event and could really use some of his mom's focus for a couple weeks, she's gotta make it about herself. The look of hurt on his face is a lot more than I can take right now.

     I know I'm being bitter and hateful, so any advice to me so that I don't strangle her?
    You were planning to host your own shower?
  • MNNEBride said:
    I'd be curious to know if your FI's mother has been supportive and nurturing to her son throughout his life.  My guess is that she hasn't and so this is not new behavior.  Is it hurtful?  Yes.  Can you change her? No.  All you and your FI can do is to change your reactions to her.  She isn't going to change, so you change how much you expect from her, how you react to her and how much interaction you have with her.
    This times 10. I get why you are so upset and so mad. Your FMIL sounds AWish to the extreme. It's really pretty terrible that she so much has to have everything about her that she even planned her own last-minute wedding so near her son's. But...come here to vent away...and then be nothing but gracious and polite to her. No badmouthing. I guarantee you, everyone in the family already knows the score and THEY are badmouthing her up a storm. You and your FI will come out of this looking like the bigger and better people if you don't let her get to you. However, this does include treating FIL-of-the-month with the same respect you would give a FIL in a 30-year marriage. It really doesn't matter if he is in some of the family wedding pics and is done and gone with two years from now. You will rarely be opening your wedding album by then anyway and there will be tons of family pics he won't be in.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • No, we chose to forego the shower entirely to minimize stress to everyone.
  • hmonkey said:
    larrygaga said:
    The magic part about the internet is that you can say literally anything you want and the only thing that will happen is that people might say literally whatever they want back. 
    or they may find out who you are IRL and let your mil know.
    Only if you aren't careful!
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    image

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