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Parents in Chairs during the hora?

Kate5678Kate5678 member
in Jewish Weddings
My future in laws insist that they will be lifted in chairs during the hora.  My parents insist that parents only go up if its a bar/bat mitzvah, the wedding is about the couple, not their parents.  I tend to agree with my parents, PLUS my mother is deathly afraid of going up in that chair.  What do I do?  It seems awkward to have just the mother and father of the groom, but not my parents.  Should I tell the future in-laws they are not going up??  I've only seen parents go up at one Jewish wedding and it was a huge traditional orthodox wedding -- nothing like ours.
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Re: Parents in Chairs during the hora?

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    Lauderdale PinkLauderdale Pink member
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    My daughter had a reform wedding and all the parents went up in the chairs and it was a blast!!!
    If your mother is afraid, make sure the men who are holding the chair know this and have them hold her still rather than moving the chair up and down. Worked for me and I am so glad I did not miss the moment.
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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    I've seen this at some non-Orthodox bar mitzvahs (and bat mitzvahs, which pretty much by definition are non-Orthodox).

    If you don't want this to happen at your wedding, you can say, "FMIL, FFIL, I'm sorry, but we are not comfortable with one set of parents getting special recognition or privileges that the other doesn't, and since my parents aren't doing this, we've decided that only FI and I are going up in the chairs."

    TBH, I'm scared to go up in a chair at my own wedding-I'd be hanging on for dear life hoping I don't slip out of that chair and fall down onto the ground!
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    Lauderdale PinkLauderdale Pink member
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    I know that some caterers who have frequent Horas use arm chairs for the raising.  Maybe yours does too.
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    casey8784casey8784 member
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    Jen4948 said:
    I've seen this at some non-Orthodox bar mitzvahs (and bat mitzvahs, which pretty much by definition are non-Orthodox).

    If you don't want this to happen at your wedding, you can say, "FMIL, FFIL, I'm sorry, but we are not comfortable with one set of parents getting special recognition or privileges that the other doesn't, and since my parents aren't doing this, we've decided that only FI and I are going up in the chairs."

    TBH, I'm scared to go up in a chair at my own wedding-I'd be hanging on for dear life hoping I don't slip out of that chair and fall down onto the ground!
    The first wedding I remember going to - my older cousin's wedding - was when I was 10. The guy holding one of the chair legs dropped it and she fell. Landed on her feet, so she didn't get hurt, but the dress got caught on the chair, so she basically flashed everyone surrounding her! 

    (It was kind of funny...hehe)
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    LBRM_NJLBRM_NJ member
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    I think this is a tough one.  Just like we envision our wedding days, I think parents also envision them.  His parents may have always imagined being lifted in the chairs at their sons wedding and I wouldn't want to take that away from them.  And, if they are lifted, I don't think it would be odd for your parents to not be lifted.  I think it's fine.  I would only think it would be odd for them to be lifted if you and your husband are not being lifted but, if you are, I would probably let them have that moment.
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    Knottie9310365 Knottie9310365 member
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    I thought parents only went up at the wedding of their youngest child.
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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    Knottie9310365 said:
    I thought parents only went up at the wedding of their youngest child.
    I've never heard that.  I know there are customs for parents whose last single child is marrying.
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    estvkleinestvklein member
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    My parents didn't go up for my sisters wedding either! (neither did her inlaws). Also, I've never seen that done at any Jewish weddings I've attended, so that's definitely new for me too!
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    MegEn1MegEn1 member
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    There's been a long discussion for our wedding about parents going up. My dad will certainly not be well enough to be lifted, and I (a Lutheran) am not thrilled by the prospect.

    Imagine how thrilled I was when the venue we picked (for a multitude of reasons that never involved a discussion of going up on the chairs) had a ceiling too low for all this.

    Makes me feel soooo much better that I won't have to do this. But I think my FMIL will be really sad when she realizes. She SAW the venue before we decided on it, but I don't really think it clicked for her.

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