Wedding Guest Pay for Their Own Dinner?

LondonLisa · August 2014

PS: one of fi's friends went to a wedding where they had to pay for their own meal, and they STILL talk about how rude it was.

If a group of anonymous internet strangers have unanimously agree that this is super rude, I can guarantee you that some (if not all) of your family members think the same. They may say it is OK to your face and still love you, but they will be complaining behind your back.

Why would you be rude to the people you love and just expect them to understand? Wouldn't that be more of a reason to host them properly as they are your nearest and dearest?

Maggie0829 · August 2014

KBrodbeck8 said:

I don't think that my family or anyone would be really upset really. I don't see them saying anything rude like that. I guess you just have to know my family...

I don't think cake can be served outside the restaurant, unless you book a conference room or something like that.

OP, in my opinion, it sounds like you really don't care about hosting your guests properly. It doesn't seem like you want to do some work and figure an appropriate plan out. Many people on here gave you great advice and laid out plans that would work and be very inexpensive. But you need to do some work and if you don't want to then there is not much else we can say that will help you.

theartistformerlyknownas · August 2014

If I'm at a wedding, I would a million billion times rather have pizza provided than any other dinner I had to pay for myself. Not because I'm cheap, but because I came to celebrate YOU. I traveled a long way during a busy season and declined other plans to celebrate YOU and your marriage. I deserve to be fed something. Whether that's just a piece of cake and cup of coffee, or a few slices of pizza and a root beer, or an entree and cocktail. If you don't, I won't say anything to your face but I will think you're tacky FOREVER.

AshleyProclaims · August 2014

Is there no way for you to simply email/call the venue and explain your situation? Tell them that you would like to serve cake and punch immediately following the wedding and ask if there is a place you can do this where you won't be charged extra...

If you tell them what you're telling us, I'm SURE they will help set you up with something decent. It's worth a shot to just reach out them and talk to them about it, otherwise what everyone has been saying in here will haunt you. Just email them and see what they suggest.

mileybangerz · August 2014

OP, are you seriously paying $1200 for your elopement? Fuck, call me and I'll get ordained and do your wedding for $200. I'll even give you a foam finger as a wedding gift. This place is charging you an arm and a leg for a quickie ceremony, "champagne" (who knows how good it actually is), flowers, and dinner.

You got screwed over. Don't screw over your family. Find a way to make this right, or don't invite them.

KBrodbeck8 · August 2014

We will pay for dinner for our guest.

holyguacamole79 · August 2014

KBrodbeck8 said:

We will pay for dinner for our guest.

Awesome - I'm glad to hear it. Stick around - we're happy to help!

lurkergirl · August 2014

KBrodbeck8 said:

We will pay for dinner for our guest.

Good choice!

southernbelle0915 · August 2014

KBrodbeck8 said:

We will pay for dinner for our guest.

caitlinmca · August 2014

Holy heck what did I walk into! All of the ladies gave you great advise, not hosting your guests properly by making them pay for their own meal would be one of the worst decisions you could possibly make as you have probably read/seen over and over by now especially since they are already having to travel. Also another word of advise, I just recently went to a wedding that was a potluck wedding, I was required to bring in a dish, and it was also a dry wedding on a Sunday. Granted, I accepted the dry wedding as it was not only factored on the couple, but it was a requirement of the venue. Brides, DONT ever make your guests bring a dish to your wedding reception. It's tacky!! Edit: dang paragraphs!

lyndausvi · August 2014

KBrodbeck8 said:

We will pay for dinner for our guest.

good choice.

There are a good group of ladies here who are willing help you plan.

MuppetOverlord · August 2014

I'm skimming here, but did anyone note to OP that CONTRACTS CAN BE CHANGED?

MuppetOverlord · August 2014

Don't assume you know how other people feel about your actions, even if you ask the questions. Seriously. The simple fact is that they will typically be more polite than you are and respond in that manner.

My husband was in a wedding last year that ruined all of the couple's relationships to the point where come the wedding day, they had to invite patrons of the bar they DJ at because almost no one wanted to come to the wedding. Those of us that did, did so out of obligation and we supplied the food, paid for our own drinks and didn't even get to sit with our spouses. It was terrible. It's all I think about when they come up in conversation. I will associate them with their erribly rude wedding for the rest of my life....but none of us have told them that. We suck it up and smile when we have to see them.

[Deleted User] · August 2014

1 kuddos for sticking around. WOW. 2. If they dont want to eat the pizza then I guess at that point they can order what they want. But you did provide them with a paid for option.

Cayjungrll · August 2014

The place looks beautiful where you are going. Have you or are you planning on sending out invitations to your wedding? Sounds like to me, that a bunch of your friends and family are wanting to share in your day ... So everyone is going to go out to eat ... Is that right? It's different if people have invited themselves, or if y'all invited them... Since you are going to have a party a few weeks later, why not just send out Announcements, and inviting them to a celebration of your marriage. You could put no gifts please or your presence is gift enough.

Jen4948 · August 2014

Cayjungrll said:

The place looks beautiful where you are going. Have you or are you planning on sending out invitations to your wedding? Sounds like to me, that a bunch of your friends and family are wanting to share in your day ... So everyone is going to go out to eat ... Is that right? It's different if people have invited themselves, or if y'all invited them... Since you are going to have a party a few weeks later, why not just send out Announcements, and inviting them to a celebration of your marriage. You could put no gifts please or your presence is gift enough.

These messages are not appropriate on invitations or announcements, because any unsolicited mention of gifts is improper-including "no gifts" requests.

Cayjungrll · August 2014

Ok.. I didn't think about it being inappropriate ... So if you really don't want any gifts then you just don't say anything??

manateehugger · August 2014

Cayjungrll said:

Ok.. I didn't think about it being inappropriate ... So if you really don't want any gifts then you just don't say anything??

Gifts are never required and the hosts should never expect them. So putting, "no gifts" implies that you expected gifts otherwise. It also clutters up an otherwise pretty invitation.

It's perfectly fine to spread by word of mouth that gifts aren't remotely expected or wanted by the hosts, however, if someone asks the hosts what they would like.

ETA: Rule of thumb - inquiries or discussions of gifts should be initiated by the guest and potential gift giver, not the host and receiver. That's why registry info doesn't belong in the invitation.

Cayjungrll · August 2014

I received a 50th wedding anniversary invitation, and they had no gifts please the bottom of the invitation. I am not putting any of that on my invitations ...

southernbelle0915 · August 2014

Cayjungrll said:

I received a 50th wedding anniversary invitation, and they had no gifts please the bottom of the invitation. I am not putting any of that on my invitations ...

50th anniversary =/= wedding

It's a good question, but the answer is that it's not appropriate to say "no gifts" or anything on a wedding invite for all the reasons @manateehugger said.

SteffJay · August 2014

man, i got sucked down the rabbit hole that is this thread so bad. i just wished i'd had popcorn.

Maggie0829 · August 2014

southernbelle0915 said:

Cayjungrll said:

I received a 50th wedding anniversary invitation, and they had no gifts please the bottom of the invitation. I am not putting any of that on my invitations ...

50th anniversary =/= wedding

It's a good question, but the answer is that it's not appropriate to say "no gifts" or anything on a wedding invite for all the reasons @manateehugger said.

I would go as far as saying putting "no gifts" on any type of invite whether it be wedding, retirement, birthday, etc is not appropriate.

Knottie64742250 · August 2014

Im so sorry you got responses like this. I asked a similar question a week ago and felt like i was being attacked. IDK y people feel the need to be so rude. It's a wedding, it's not like you're committing a terrorist act.

That being said, my fiance and i decided after asking our close family THEIR opinions (which were not rude nor hurtful in nature) that we would just cut down the guest list and find a cheaper place to eat so we can pay for everyone. If you have 20 or less people, restaurants don't make you order off of a pre selected menu. Guests can all order off the main menu. Over 20 then you have to make a room reservation and fees incur and you're required to pre-order meals at a per person rate.

Viczaesar · August 2014

Knottie64742250 said:

Im so sorry you got responses like this. I asked a similar question a week ago and felt like i was being attacked. IDK y people feel the need to be so rude. It's a wedding, it's not like you're committing a terrorist act.
That being said, my fiance and i decided after asking our close family THEIR opinions (which were not rude nor hurtful in nature) that we would just cut down the guest list and find a cheaper place to eat so we can pay for everyone. If you have 20 or less people, restaurants don't make you order off of a pre selected menu. Guests can all order off the main menu. Over 20 then you have to make a room reservation and fees incur and you're required to pre-order meals at a per person rate.

This depends very much on the restaurant.

Having your guests pay for their own thanks (i.e. reception) is incredibly rude. Nobody said it was akin to a suicide bomb.

lurkergirl · August 2014

Knottie64742250 said:

Im so sorry you got responses like this. I asked a similar question a week ago and felt like i was being attacked. IDK y people feel the need to be so rude. It's a wedding, it's not like you're committing a terrorist act.
That being said, my fiance and i decided after asking our close family THEIR opinions (which were not rude nor hurtful in nature) that we would just cut down the guest list and find a cheaper place to eat so we can pay for everyone. If you have 20 or less people, restaurants don't make you order off of a pre selected menu. Guests can all order off the main menu. Over 20 then you have to make a room reservation and fees incur and you're required to pre-order meals at a per person rate.

Sooo...you're sorry that she got good advice and decided to follow it? Honest=/=mean.

And your whole point about restaurants is going to vary wildly based on the restaurant.

drina0218 · August 2014

Edited: read all the comments.

OP, I think this wedding has definitely gotten away from you. Reign it in, girl. This is your wedding. Do it right. Host properly and ignore the in-laws. It's not too late!!

KBrodbeck8 · September 2014

So how do I word on the invitation saying that they have the option for coming to dinner with us. If a person does not want to eat where we are, I'm not going to force them to eat with us. I want to at least give them them option to go where we choose.

Maggie0829 · September 2014

KBrodbeck8 said:

So how do I word on the invitation saying that they have the option for coming to dinner with us. If a person does not want to eat where we are, I'm not going to force them to eat with us. I want to at least give them them option to go where we choose.

@KBrodbeck8 - if the dinner is the reception then your guests will come to the restaurant. It is like any other wedding. The guests RSVP yes to the whole thing or decline all together.

I really think you are over thinking this. When you send out the invitations you say Ceremony is happening at X time at Y location. Then on a separate card you state that the reception will take place at Z restaurant immediately following the ceremony.

You don't give people the option of where they want to eat when you are coordinating a hosted affair. You pick the venue and the menu and that is where your guests will go.

photokitty · September 2014

KBrodbeck8 said:

So how do I word on the invitation saying that they have the option for coming to dinner with us. If a person does not want to eat where we are, I'm not going to force them to eat with us. I want to at least give them them option to go where we choose.

You invite them to both the ceremony and the reception. If someone can't or doesn't want to attend the reception they will let you know. I had someone who had family in town and she could only attend the ceremony, she reached out to me to let me know. You're overthinking it, people will let you know if they have extenuating circumstances.

southernbelle0915 · September 2014

KBrodbeck8 said:

So how do I word on the invitation saying that they have the option for coming to dinner with us. If a person does not want to eat where we are, I'm not going to force them to eat with us. I want to at least give them them option to go where we choose.

If I remember right, you and the groom are hosting (not your parents). If that's incorrect check out Crane's for wording to include other hosts.

"Ms. BrideFirst BrideMiddle BrideLast

and

Mr. GroomFirst GroomMiddle GroomLast

request the pleasure of your company

at their marriage

Saturday, the sixth of September

two thousand fourteen

at half after four o'clock

Big Cedar Lodge

Name of balcony/ceremony area

Suchandsuch, Minnesota

Reception to follow"

Then on the information card, you'll write something like:

"Please join us for light refreshments (or whatever you're doing) in/at (wherever you're doing it) immediately following the ceremony."

Then you'll add stuff like hotel blocks, directions, etc.

If I remember right (I can't bring myself to go back and read the whole thread), you decided to do a non-meal time cake/punch reception immediately following your ceremony. Then you were going to just let people know you planned to go to dinner at suchandsuch restaurant later in the evening if they wanted to join. Correct? If so, leave the info card as stated above and then just spread the dinner thing by word of mouth. If you write it down formally anywhere, people are going to think you're hosting it.

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