Community› Wedding Discussion Boards› Wedding Party
Wedding Party
New Discussion

Lingering bridesmaid issue

mhoffman17mhoffman17 member
First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
edited December 2014 in Wedding Party

I previously asked for advice on whether not to ask my fiance's sisters to be bridesmaids.  Apparently they were very upset that I didn't ask them.  I went back and forth about it and decided that since I already have 8 bridesmaids, I simply could not afford or handle the stress of having 10.

Fast forward a few weeks, fiance's mom comes over again to tell him that "this is tearing the family apart".  Seriously?  I am not that close with his sisters.  It started a huge fight between fiance and me and I eventually said they could be in the wedding.  He told his mom and reported back that "my mom is so happy".  So who wanted the girls to be in the wedding?? His mom or his sisters?

I still haven't asked them and it's been well over a month since I said they could be in it.  I just can't genuinely ask them and act like I mean it. I am so stressed out looking at prices of bouquets, bridesmaid gifts (i LOVE giving personalized gifts and I know I'll spend more than I intend to) and hair styles for the day.  I also can't help thinking my other bridesmaids may feel like they aren't special anymore.  Like anyone that complains can join the wedding party. How can I get over this feeling?  I know in the end it doesn't really matter, I'm marrying the love of my life and thats the most important part, but I still have a pit in my stomach :(

**UPDATE**

I finally asked FI's sisters to be in the wedding and I am super glad I did.  His one sister cried because she was so touched and his other sister was pretty darn excited as well.  I know I was concerned about cost and all that but honestly, it is going to be one hell of a day and why not have my family, old and new, up on the altar with us. Thanks for all of the feedback! You are all right, what's done is done and I'm happy it is!!

Report Reply to Post

Re: Lingering bridesmaid issue

  • levioosalevioosa member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Was there a reason you couldn't ask them to do a reading and have corsages for them the day of? I personally don't understand requiring family members be part of the wedding party. If you want them, great, but you shouldn't be pressured into having people up there you aren't close with. Do you know if FMIL has told them that they will for sure be asked to be bridesmaids?


    image
    Report Reply
  • mhoffman17mhoffman17 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment

    The plan was to have them do the readings and they were going to get corsages!  I feel like i can't back out now and I'm trying to get over it.  I know that the day of will be such a whirl wind I probably won't even notice or care.  I just need to get past the initial asking part. I don't know if I can genuinely be happy while asking.

    Report Reply
  • peachy13peachy13 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I struggled with this as well... I was on the fence about asking my FI's two sisters to be in the wedding because I already had a pretty big party, but realized that wasn't a very good excuse to not ask them, and I asked them anyway and am glad I did. I did ask them well after I had asked my other bridesmaids, but his sisters didn't mind. They were happy to be asked and to be honest, we've gotten closer since.

    Your FMIL was definitely not right for asking you to do this, but to play devil's advocate, both sides of the family want everyone to be involved. If you have kids and your son or daughter gets married someday, wouldn't you want your other children to be part of the wedding? A lot of people think this way, and even though your FMIL wasn't right in her approach, I do think her heart's in the right place.

    To make you feel better, two more bridesmaids isn't going to destroy your budget. Yes you have to buy two extra BM gifts, but you don't have to pay for their hair or makeup or anything like that. And I seriously doubt your other bridemaids will be offended that you asked your FI's sister. If for some reason they are, you can (privately and subtly) throw your FMIL under the bus as she did to you. GL!
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers


    Report Reply
  • beetherybeethery member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    Let's say I have a son and two daughters. My son gets engaged and his FI is planning their wedding. FI's on good terms with the family, and my daughters like the FI and are excited for the wedding.

    If my hypothetical son's FI doesn't ask them to be in the WP, that is totally fine because the WP choices are to be made ONLY BY THE B&G.

    Now, if my son wanted to have groomsladies or whatever, it would be on him to ask them to stand on his side. That's it. If my daughters pouted about not being included in the WP I'd tell them it's not a huge deal because we're going to have fun at the wedding regardless.
    --

    I'm the fuck     out.

    image
    Report Reply
  • cowgirl8238cowgirl8238 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    OP, you shouldn't have caved in. Unfortunately you're stuck now. I really don't have any advice...my brother wasn't included in our wedding at all (aside from walking my mom down the aisle) I knew he wouldn't want to be in the BP and my FI wasn't close enough with him to make a GM either...so he wasn't. He wasn't upset ot hurt by this.
    Report Reply
  • getaclue44getaclue44 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment
    Did you commit to them being BM or in the wedding? If it is the latter, they could stand on your FI's side. Just a thought.
    Report Reply
  • Bubblegum5586Bubblegum5586 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    I would never want to be a part of a WP that mother demanded my place in! How embarrassing! There is times I was a little hurt that I wasn't included in a family members WP.... but I kept it to myself!

    OP- What's done is done, and I would now just try to make the best of it. I don't think having your FSILs in the wedding is so terrible and maybe in time you will be come a lot closer and be really happy they were in it (as it's normal for friends to come in and out of your life as family tends to stay) BUT I do think it is terrible the way you were forced into this. This would make me very wary of my FMIL and other "Demands" she will have in the future (specifcally when it comes to kids!)
    image


    Anniversary
    Report Reply
  • NYCMercedesNYCMercedes member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    I'd tell you FI that they can be his attendants, since he was the one that caved. They can wear beautiful "bridesmaid" dresses with boutonnières or corsages.
    Report Reply
  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    julybride2015 said:
    A very similar conversation happened with my mom about my brother being in the wedding on the groomsman side.    My mom is completely old school and no matter how many times I told her that traditions and times have changed, this was one issue she could not let up on (she's been really cool about a lot of other traditions I'm letting go).   She kept going back to "but we're all family now" and citing all the other family members/friends that included their future BILs in the wedding.   It's not that my Fi didn't want to include my brother, he just never really thought they were close. 

    If you come from a very traditional background, this is one battle that you might just have to let go.  My Fi is a very respectful man when it comes to parents and older people.  He realized that his small gesture meant the world to my mom and so he included my brother.  They get along, but aren't particularly close.    I'm including my brother's GF (who don't know that well because I live far away) because she's close with my mom and she's basically part of the family.  I did it out of respect for her and to make her feel like a welcomed and important part of our family.  

    While "etiquette" states you don't need to include your Fi's siblings, it's often a sign of respect in many families.  If you're dealing with an old school mama, it might mean the world to her to have her daughters feel welcomed by you.   


    But where does she draw the line?  When you have children, will you ask FI's sister to be the Godmother out of "tradition" and to appease his mother?  Things like a woman's bridal party needs to be her own decision, and not a decision based on pressure by FMIL.  Compromise and respecting tradition comes into play when you decide with which family you spend Thanksgiving, not   when you pick your bridal party.

    If you ask your brother's GF, do it because you like her and you want her to stand by your side on your wedding day.  Don't do this because your mother likes her.




    Report Reply
  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    peachy13 said:
    I struggled with this as well... I was on the fence about asking my FI's two sisters to be in the wedding because I already had a pretty big party, but realized that wasn't a very good excuse to not ask them, and I asked them anyway and am glad I did. I did ask them well after I had asked my other bridesmaids, but his sisters didn't mind. They were happy to be asked and to be honest, we've gotten closer since.

    Your FMIL was definitely not right for asking you to do this, but to play devil's advocate, both sides of the family want everyone to be involved. If you have kids and your son or daughter gets married someday, wouldn't you want your other children to be part of the wedding? A lot of people think this way, and even though your FMIL wasn't right in her approach, I do think her heart's in the right place.

    To make you feel better, two more bridesmaids isn't going to destroy your budget. Yes you have to buy two extra BM gifts, but you don't have to pay for their hair or makeup or anything like that. And I seriously doubt your other bridemaids will be offended that you asked your FI's sister. If for some reason they are, you can (privately and subtly) throw your FMIL under the bus as she did to you. GL!
    To the bolded:  Whether or not I want my other children to be part of the wedding, it's not up to me, it's up to the couple.  I have no say whatsoever in who is in my children's wedding parties.  Not even if I'm paying every single cent.  That is one area where the only people with input are the couple.  And if they do not feel close to every other member of the family, especially if these are the groom's sisters or the bride's brothers, the siblings in question have no right to "expect" to be asked to be in the wedding, let alone their parents.
    Report Reply
  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    @julybride2015, if that's a decision that you and your mom came to, then that's great. This is a slightly different case for OP. Also, I know that money comes with strings, but those strings are regarding things that you pay for (dinner, venue, etc). Just because your mom paid for some of the wedding does not give her any right to dictate your bridal party. Again, I know this is a decision that you have made and that you're fine with. I'm just putting that out there for others. My brother's wife was in our wedding, and I was in theirs. We each made hat decision based on our friendship.




    Report Reply
  • Lauderdale PinkLauderdale Pink member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment First Answer
    You already said yes, so the deed is done.  If you are paying for hair and make up for the other ladies, and cannot stretch the budget to two more, let FI tell his mother that she has to ante up.  You are stuck with the price of the flowers but the BM gifts do not have to be over the top.  
    AFTER the wedding, have a long talk with hubbie to let him know where you stand on his mother getting her way by using pressure and emotional tactics.  You really will have to stand your ground and it will be much harder next time.  
    Report Reply
  • jimandpam87jimandpam87 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    Have to agree with pp, you ended up caving (understandably) and now they are in the wedding party.  Ultimately, what's done is done, and I would try to move forward with a positive view on things.  Use it as an opportunity to grow closer with your SILs.  Definitely don't make them feel as though they're second class bridesmaids b/c they were forced upon you.  Not that you would, just pointing out that it might come across subconsciously. 

    Now you know that this is how your MIL works, unfortunately.  She doesn't get what she wants, throws a tantrum to your FI, and all goes her way.  You need to find a way to deal with it next time, b/c there WILL be a next time.
    Report Reply
  • maiorielloam6maiorielloam6 member
    First Comment 5 Love Its First Anniversary
    Hmmm... This is a tuffie... I think I'm more on your side, because he has two sisters..... I'm my brothers only sister and when he got married she didn't ask me to be a bridesmaid. I was okay with it until I found out she had a HUGE bridal party, 8 bridesmaids and I couldn't be one?! I was actually really insulted when she asked me to do a reading.... So because of that I did ask my fiancés' sister to be a bridesmaid..... But because your fiancé has two sisters, they'll at least be in each other's wedding.... And it's not like you included one and not the other
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    Report Reply
  • zitiqueenzitiqueen member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    Why do brides think their wedding parties are the ideal tool to bond with somebody? Weddings are when you should be honoring those you've already bonded with, not trying to create new BFFs 4-eva. Don't you have enough on your plate?
    Report Reply
  • jerkyannejerkyanne member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    maiorielloam6 said:
    Hmmm... This is a tuffie... I think I'm more on your side, because he has two sisters..... I'm my brothers only sister and when he got married she didn't ask me to be a bridesmaid. I was okay with it until I found out she had a HUGE bridal party, 8 bridesmaids and I couldn't be one?! I was actually really insulted when she asked me to do a reading.... So because of that I did ask my fiancés' sister to be a bridesmaid..... But because your fiancé has two sisters, they'll at least be in each other's wedding.... And it's not like you included one and not the other


    Wow...entitlement much? Being a guest is being included in a wedding.  Obviously she was closer to these eight people than you, can you not think of 8 people you are closer to than her?  Being his only sister makes no difference as to having more than one, you are not entitled to be in anyone's wedding party. 


    OP: Obviously you are stuck now. So there is not much to do now, but I would take this as a lesson to how things are handled in his family. 

    But, know, until you caved you did nothing wrong.  No one is entitled to be in your wedding party. I have 5 people on my side and FH has 5 on his.  Our wedding party is 7 men, 3 women.  None of which are siblings (1 sister, 1 Stepbrother and 3 stepsisters)  of FH.  Though I see FH's sister  more often than anyone in my side, I am not closer to her.  FH did not want any of them on his side either (Not because he doesn't get along with them, but because there are people in his life who he is closer with).

    Report Reply
  • lnixon8lnixon8 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    FMIL was in the wrong to beg but if you go back on what you said, who knows what kind of drama this will start.

    Practically speaking, you seem concerned with costs. Can you do a more inexpensive bouquet? If you are getting personalized presents for BM choose something less expensive for the sisters (obviously you cannot ave everyone open up their presents together if they are the only ones receiving something cheaper). Explain to your original Bridesmaids what's going and I'm sure they will be happy to pay for their own hair and makeup. 

    Friends know whether they are special or not. You paying for thier kardashian makeup and 80 bobby pins will not convince them either way.


    Report Reply
  • southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Ideally, your FI wouldn't have picked a "huge fight" with you and sided with his mother over YOUR attendant choices. That's a crock of shit. He gets to pick his without you bitching and moaning. You get to pick yours. AND he needs to have your back. You're a team.

    Anyway, what's done is done. You've already given in and relayed that message to your FI and FMIL, who has undoubtedly told them. You need to ask them. You don't need to squee and fawn over it when you do it. Just "would you stand up as a bridesmaid in our wedding?" over a lunch or drinks is sufficient.

    As far as the affordability of it, I would talk to your FI. This was his idea and he needs to help you find room in the budget as he should for any other aspect of the wedding that's his idea. Ideas would be buying cheaper gifts for everyone, not offering to pay for hair/nails/etc., finding a cheaper venue for the RD, etc. 
    *********************************************************************************

    image
    Report Reply
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    Name Dropper First Comment
    I am only have 2 BM's. FI's sister and his cousin. His cousin is my MOH just because we live closer and see each other more. His youngest sister and cousin are also involved by handing out bubbles and programs at the wedding. 
    Report Reply
  • zitiqueenzitiqueen member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited September 2014
    CrystinTyler said:
    I am only have 2 BM's. FI's sister and his cousin. His cousin is my MOH just because we live closer and see each other more. His youngest sister and cousin are also involved by handing out bubbles and programs at the wedding. 
    Just curious, are his cousin or his sister your BFFs, the ones you'd call at 3am to help you hide a body? 

    FYI, handing out bubbles and programs at a wedding aren't considered an honor. They're made-up crap jobs that aren't even necessary.
    Report Reply
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards