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"official" bridesmaid - or not?

mrszeno34mrszeno34
First Comment
in Wedding Party
Hello all, wondering if I can get some insight into this situation.  I am getting married Nov 2012.  I am originally from another state and moved to New York after dating my fiance long distance for 4 years - he is from here.  I am still very close with my old friends back home and have asked several of them to be in my wedding party.  No problems there.
Since I've lived here, while I've made some acquaintences I've really only made one solid friendship with someone.  She's definitely made the transition to living in a new state easier and I'm so glad I met her.  Also, since she's the only one that lives in the same state as me, she has been and will be helping with me a lot of things -shopping for veils, flowers, centerpices, that kind of stuff.
She is a good friend but not on the same "known her forever and will always know her" level that I have wiht my other friends, obviously.  We're close but I can't honestly say if circumstances change, (we currently work togehter) that we have that "forever firends" bond.  I'd like to think so, but it's happened many times in my life through transitions that certain people just come and go - part of life.
I'd like to ask her to be a BM because she has and will be helping me wht so much, and i already planned on having her there for the rehearsal, getting ready in the am, limo to the ceremony, etc.  The only thing she's not currently doing is wlaking down the aisle or standing up in my party.  I just keep going back and forht - it seems almost rude to not include her in that one part, at the same time, isit enought for her to be invovled in all that wihtout being an "official" bridesmaid?
I'm really at a loss about this for some reason, so any opinions are appreciated!
Thanks
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Re: "official" bridesmaid - or not?

  • futuremrsgatesfuturemrsgates
    First Comment
    My mom did that - she is still only friends with 1 or 2 of her six bridesmaids, but still looks back at her wedding day as one of the greatest days of her life. I think it matters that you feel like you had the girls at your side that were most important to you then. We all change over time, but why base the present on the future?

    I say ask her!
    "So what? So it's not going to be easy. It's gonna be hard.
    Really hard. But I wanna do that because I want you
    - all of you, you and me, every day. Forever."

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  • Erin Nov11Erin Nov11 member
    First Comment First Anniversary
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_official-bridesmaid-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:35577b78-a644-4a9f-b853-4f5c14016f0ePost:248bac66-fbc8-42f9-9d5b-a3d0cad563da">Re: "official" bridesmaid - or not?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ten years from now, even if this person isn't still your BFF, you'll be able to look back at those wedding photos and say "She helped me when I was alone in a strange city.  She was excited and supportive through one of the most exciting times in my life.  She was there for me when I really needed someone.  I'm so glad she was in my life."  Isn't that enough?
    Posted by RaptorSLH[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Raptor said it well. I agree that so long as you are asking for the right reasons (she is someone you consider a close friend and you want her there standing up with you on the day and not just because she's being helpful with the wedding) then looking back, it was the right decision at the time and not something you should regret later on.

    </div>
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  • kaitlyn&henrykaitlyn&henry member
    First Comment
    I had people in my wedding party that im no longer close with...but when i got married and during that time i was. Relationships are dynamic and they are bound to evolve and change. Personally, all that matters is that you had who you felt closest to up there next to you supporting you and your marriage at that time. I have friends now i wouldl love to have been a BM but we werent as close then...you just have to look at the here and now and accept that youll look back aand not regret asking or not asking her to be a part of your wedding.
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  • MsRo1976MsRo1976
    First Comment
    I think you should ask her. Since my parents are paying a significant portion of my wedding, they are forcing me to have my sisters as my MOH and bridesmaid... the reality of it is that 1 sister lives 2000 miles away, and the other sister is unemployed and lives in my parents house with her daughter. I know neither of them will contribute anything to my wedding or planning (and I honestly have no idea why they want to be in my wedding). My "real" wedding party is my 4 closest friends- who I have only known for a few years, but these are the girls that I regularly see (not together though, they don't really know each other) and spend time with, and these are 4 girls that love me (and I love them) and will do everything they can to make this whole planning experience the best possible. 2 are married and have been through this. One is unemployed and is having a great time doing research on vendors and putting colors together, and one of them has an amazong sense of style. the married ones are both great planners and have started planning stuff out already. Since I am having a JEwish wedding, I am not having readings but I will be getting them all thank you gifts as well as covering their hotel rooms as a thank you for doing so much for me. I feel very lucky to have them all to help and support me. 
    I guess what I am saying is that if you can ask her, then do it- you defintiely won't regret it. 
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  • mbcdefgmbcdefg member
    5 Love Its First Comment Combo Breaker
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_official-bridesmaid-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:35577b78-a644-4a9f-b853-4f5c14016f0ePost:37812e23-54a5-4afa-a527-d92691717c2d">Re: "official" bridesmaid - or not?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I have the same issue... my sister lives out of state and my FSIL lives 5 hours away. Those would be my first choices for my MOH but they live to far. What I did was kindly let them know the only reason they werent my MOH was because they lived far and it would be too stressful on them. So I chose a friend that lived close and so far it is working out just fine. I as well will be married NOV 2012. GL
    Posted by Mrsviau[/QUOTE]

    Who the hell are you to decide what is and is not "too stressful" for your friends?

    That's really, REALLY insulting to your friends, to tell them that they can't be Maid of Honor because they aren't available to come running at the drop of a hat. The MOH should be your closest friend(s), not the person who is most available to help. I'm surprised neither of them smacked you in the mouth when you dropped this bomb on them.
    image
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  • mbcdefgmbcdefg member
    5 Love Its First Comment Combo Breaker
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_official-bridesmaid-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:35577b78-a644-4a9f-b853-4f5c14016f0ePost:b0d38976-e6ff-4b87-8fc5-746e19c9b0f3">Re: "official" bridesmaid - or not?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think you should ask her. Since my parents are paying a significant portion of my wedding, they are forcing me to have my sisters as my MOH and bridesmaid... the reality of it is that 1 sister lives 2000 miles away, and the other sister is unemployed and lives in my parents house with her daughter. <strong>I know neither of them will contribute anything to my wedding or planning (and I honestly have no idea why they want to be in my wedding).</strong> My "real" wedding party is my 4 closest friends- who I have only known for a few years, but these are the girls that I regularly see (not together though, they don't really know each other) and spend time with, and these are 4 girls that love me (and I love them) and will do everything they can to make this whole planning experience the best possible. 2 are married and have been through this. One is unemployed and is having a great time doing research on vendors and putting colors together, and one of them has an amazong sense of style. the married ones are both great planners and have started planning stuff out already. Since I am having a JEwish wedding, I am not having readings but I will be getting them all thank you gifts as well as covering their hotel rooms as a thank you for doing so much for me. I feel very lucky to have them all to help and support me.  I guess what I am saying is that if you can ask her, then do it- you defintiely won't regret it. 
    Posted by MsRo1976[/QUOTE]

    And while we're on this topic, why should it be THEIR responsibility to contribute anything to YOUR wedding and YOUR plans? They're not the ones who decided to get married and throw a wedding!
    image
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  • almost-a-bridealmost-a-bride member
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_official-bridesmaid-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:35577b78-a644-4a9f-b853-4f5c14016f0ePost:37812e23-54a5-4afa-a527-d92691717c2d">Re: "official" bridesmaid - or not?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I have the same issue... my sister lives out of state and my FSIL lives 5 hours away. Those would be my first choices for my MOH but they live to far. What I did was kindly let them know the only reason they werent my MOH was because they lived far and it would be too stressful on them. So I chose a friend that lived close and so far it is working out just fine. I as well will be married NOV 2012. GL
    Posted by Mrsviau[/QUOTE]

    I dont understand why you MOH would have to live close to you?
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  • SunshineShadesSunshineShades member
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_official-bridesmaid-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:35577b78-a644-4a9f-b853-4f5c14016f0ePost:d69cbd9f-7966-4387-a27b-d054144bfcbe">Re: "official" bridesmaid - or not?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: "official" bridesmaid - or not? : I dont understand why you MOH would have to live close to you?
    Posted by almost-a-bride[/QUOTE]

    Agreed. Our wedding party consists of my sister.. who lives 5 hours away. And FIs brother.... who lives 1.5 hours away and doesnt drive.
    Neither of them are involved in wedding planning. I call my sister and ask her advice if I need it, she came down in the summer to pick out her dress and will come down in March for her fitting and my shower.... that is all, that is all I did for her wedding too and I was her only attendant.
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  • mrszeno34mrszeno34
    First Comment
    Everyone - except for the one friend i wrote the original post about - in my wedding party, and my mother, are 500 miles away.  I send them lots of emails with pics - what about this hairdo, what about this for a favor - and almost like they are right here!  except for the days when they are sick of my wedding nonsense and don't respond, but that's ok too!
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  • lela1208lela1208
    First Comment
    i think its only right to have her in the wedding. im almost having the same issue with friends and it is hard to trust people now a dasy. you wonder why are they really helping out now? but why not? go for it. ask away. and good luck on ur wedding! :)
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