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RSVP - What?

vh2014vh2014 member
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in Snarky Brides
Ok... let me start by saying I am completely ok with this person not coming to my wedding. My "scratching the head" side eye is only about the RSVP... or lack there of followed by a last minute RSVP.

We worked really hard to get RSVPs from all of our guests.  One couple was a question.  After the deadline we called, texted, and reached out on FB.  I figured they weren't coming but included them in the seating plan anyway.  We are having buffet, the caterer didn't charge me for them and told me not to worry about it, there would be plenty of food if they showed up. We added them to our private FB group for yes's that we are using to keep everyone informed (lots of compliments on that and have been careful not inundate just provide hotel deadlines, shuttle schedules, and now first look at weather) .  They have been all over FB since that group was created.  No response.  So whatever, FI thinks they are coming.  I am thinking probably not... but still accounting for them just in case...

So today the wife posts on the FB page that they aren't going to make it.  Uh.... it's 9 days out, you just got married a couple years ago so you know about caterers and wedding planning and you've planned several big banquets... and you tell me 9 days out?  I think I would have rathered they be a no show.  No harm no foul.. it actually works out better for me as their table was the one table besides one with small kids that had 10 people so I feel better about that, I didn't pay the caterer for them, and I was short 2 premade chair bows somehow and was going to have to make them this weekend.  Much better for me, so not complaining but who doesn't respond to the RSVP (addressed and stamped, very nice non-casual invitaion), phone calls, texts, emails, or FB messages and then just randomly posts to the event wall that they have too much going on and won't make it 9 days before a wedding?  No apology, very cheerful message, but WHAT?

OK.. head scratching now over.  Like I said, works out better for me but just had to share. And yes, I still consider her a friend and that won't change.  I'm sure we'll laugh about it at a later event. 
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Re: RSVP - What?

  • PineapplePopsiclesPineapplePopsicles member
    5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    vh2014 said:
    Ok... let me start by saying I am completely ok with this person not coming to my wedding. My "scratching the head" side eye is only about the RSVP... or lack there of followed by a last minute RSVP.

    We worked really hard to get RSVPs from all of our guests.  One couple was a question.  After the deadline we called, texted, and reached out on FB.  I figured they weren't coming but included them in the seating plan anyway.  We are having buffet, the caterer didn't charge me for them and told me not to worry about it, there would be plenty of food if they showed up. We added them to our private FB group for yes's that we are using to keep everyone informed (lots of compliments on that and have been careful not inundate just provide hotel deadlines, shuttle schedules, and now first look at weather) .  They have been all over FB since that group was created.  No response.  So whatever, FI thinks they are coming.  I am thinking probably not... but still accounting for them just in case...

    So today the wife posts on the FB page that they aren't going to make it.  Uh.... it's 9 days out, you just got married a couple years ago so you know about caterers and wedding planning and you've planned several big banquets... and you tell me 9 days out?  I think I would have rathered they be a no show.  No harm no foul.. it actually works out better for me as their table was the one table besides one with small kids that had 10 people so I feel better about that, I didn't pay the caterer for them, and I was short 2 premade chair bows somehow and was going to have to make them this weekend.  Much better for me, so not complaining but who doesn't respond to the RSVP (addressed and stamped, very nice non-casual invitaion), phone calls, texts, emails, or FB messages and then just randomly posts to the event wall that they have too much going on and won't make it 9 days before a wedding?  No apology, very cheerful message, but WHAT?

    OK.. head scratching now over.  Like I said, works out better for me but just had to share. And yes, I still consider her a friend and that won't change.  I'm sure we'll laugh about it at a later event. 
    Baffling.  I have vowed to be a better guest from now on because I have learned so much in planning my own wedding.  Sheesh, people just don't think sometimes!!
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  • smalfrie19smalfrie19 member
    Combo Breaker First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its
    Sounds like my inlaws. they always seem to have way too much going on to give people common courtesy.
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  • Bubblegum5586Bubblegum5586 member
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    H's aunt and uncle (already famous for their no show ways) were MIA when the RSVPs were due. FIL asked what I was going to do about it and I explained that since we couldn't track them down (and even their own kids wished us luck on that) I said I was counting them as a no.

    5 days before the wedding I get a text from an unknown number saying that it is H's aunt and they do plan on coming. I explained I was sorry but my counts were already in with the caterer but they were welcomed to join us after dinner for dessert and dancing. (I could have added them in still with the caterer but they already no show other cousins weddings and with this over an hour away I figured they would no show and I didn't want to pay the extra money and completely change my seating plan!) and I figured it was time they learned actions of consequences....

    Well Aunt told Uncle who told FIL who told MIL that they REALLY REALLY REALLY wanted to come and if we could make that happen. MIL called me 4 days before the wedding (who is such a peacekeeper and just wants everyone happy). So now I am more annoyed that they tried to go around me since I said no.... but hey guess what it comes back to me because I'm planning this party! MIL says that she doesn't think Grammy can come now anyways (fell earlier that week) and that she will be too excited to eat anyways so that's 2 plates right there and we can just pull some chairs up for them! I already knew of some "yes's" that turned into last minute "no's" so I knew there would be enough food and without grammy coming (which was a table of 9) I could now add another chair and accommodate them.

    They actually came and looked like they had a great time. I am glad it worked out but it was just beyond frustrating dealing that that crap DAYS before the wedding. These are grown adults (that have had their daughters recently married) grow up and be considerate!
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  • goldchocobo.defunct635829490514903826goldchocobo.defunct635829490514903826 member
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    I think people really worry that you will be ridiculously disappointed if they decline, so just don't respond and hope it goes away, then it catches up with them and they have to fess up.

    I anticipate this for one or two of my guests, but I have been trying to be open with them and say "You wanna go, cool, if not, lemme know." 
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  • NymeruNymeru member
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    I hate it when people are rude like that. I had a couple of people text my BMs the night before the wedding to tell them that they wouldn't be coming to the wedding. No reason. No contacting me. I was seriously like wtf? And the next day I had people who weren't even invited just waltz on in and sit down at tables like they belonged there. So much for my well-planned seating chart. Turns out the wives of our musician decided that they should be included in the wedding too and they flat-out refused to leave.
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  • steph861steph861 member
    First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    Nymeru said:
    I hate it when people are rude like that. I had a couple of people text my BMs the night before the wedding to tell them that they wouldn't be coming to the wedding. No reason. No contacting me. I was seriously like wtf? And the next day I had people who weren't even invited just waltz on in and sit down at tables like they belonged there. So much for my well-planned seating chart. Turns out the wives of our musician decided that they should be included in the wedding too and they flat-out refused to leave.
    Ugh, I hope the musicians didn't expect a big tip after that (I'm assuming they told their wives they could come). I know it's just a day and in the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter, but damnit, that would piss me off.
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  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 member
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    Nymeru said:
    I hate it when people are rude like that. I had a couple of people text my BMs the night before the wedding to tell them that they wouldn't be coming to the wedding. No reason. No contacting me. I was seriously like wtf? And the next day I had people who weren't even invited just waltz on in and sit down at tables like they belonged there. So much for my well-planned seating chart. Turns out the wives of our musician decided that they should be included in the wedding too and they flat-out refused to leave.
    I hope you didn't tip your musicians and gave them a terrible review. Who do those wives think they are?

    What do you mean they refused to leave. Couldn't someone at the venue have done something? You should have said those people are not our guests, they should not be partaking in the food and drink. 
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  • NymeruNymeru member
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    We rented out the hall and ran everything ourselves, so there were no staff members to handle the situation.  We finally gave up arguing with them because it was causing a scene and I didn't want anything to get ugly.  The musicians and their wives were local, so it made things that much more awkward.  They hadn't been invited by their husbands, they just decided to show.  Eventually the musicians were able to get their wives to agree to sit at the vendor table, but they were unhappy about moving because they couldn't "see" very well.  Like I cared at all about what they wanted...
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  • banana468banana468 member
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    I think it's time for some lovely reviews of those musicians.     
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  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 member
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    Yes, a review like: don't hire these guys unless you want their wives to show up and refuse to leave.

     Maybe next time they won't bite the hand that feeds them.
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  • dinnerparty3dinnerparty3 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment
    vh2014 said:
    Ok... let me start by saying I am completely ok with this person not coming to my wedding. My "scratching the head" side eye is only about the RSVP... or lack there of followed by a last minute RSVP.

    We worked really hard to get RSVPs from all of our guests.  One couple was a question.  After the deadline we called, texted, and reached out on FB.  I figured they weren't coming but included them in the seating plan anyway.  We are having buffet, the caterer didn't charge me for them and told me not to worry about it, there would be plenty of food if they showed up. We added them to our private FB group for yes's that we are using to keep everyone informed (lots of compliments on that and have been careful not inundate just provide hotel deadlines, shuttle schedules, and now first look at weather) .  They have been all over FB since that group was created.  No response.  So whatever, FI thinks they are coming.  I am thinking probably not... but still accounting for them just in case...

    So today the wife posts on the FB page that they aren't going to make it.  Uh.... it's 9 days out, you just got married a couple years ago so you know about caterers and wedding planning and you've planned several big banquets... and you tell me 9 days out?  I think I would have rathered they be a no show.  No harm no foul.. it actually works out better for me as their table was the one table besides one with small kids that had 10 people so I feel better about that, I didn't pay the caterer for them, and I was short 2 premade chair bows somehow and was going to have to make them this weekend.  Much better for me, so not complaining but who doesn't respond to the RSVP (addressed and stamped, very nice non-casual invitaion), phone calls, texts, emails, or FB messages and then just randomly posts to the event wall that they have too much going on and won't make it 9 days before a wedding?  No apology, very cheerful message, but WHAT?

    OK.. head scratching now over.  Like I said, works out better for me but just had to share. And yes, I still consider her a friend and that won't change.  I'm sure we'll laugh about it at a later event. 
    ugh...so annoying! It really just blows my mind how people who have had their own wedding could be so inconsiderate! I know I let people we didn't hear from that we would mark them as a "no" 
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  • christinethebean88christinethebean88 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    I have a feeling we're going to be in this same situation.  Our RSVP date has come and gone and we've received every single one from my family, but there are about 20 that we haven't received from my FI's family.  We've tried contacting them through phone, e-mail, even FB but we've gotten no response.  Apparently my FMIL has been in contact with some of them and they are being super flaky about it.  They keep saying "maybe" and making up ridiculously stupid excuses why they can't commit.  I'm at the point where we are about to call them (or have FMIL call them since they apparently answer her calls) and just inform them that we are marking them down as a "no".  I just don't get it, do people not understand how RSVP's work?  Do they think we put "Your response is kindly requested by..." just for shits and giggles?
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  • aeryfaeryaeryfaery member
    5 Love Its First Comment First Anniversary
    I don't understand.

    A couple that didn't bother RSVPing or bothering to respond in any form, despite multiple attempts on your part to get a firm answer...so you put them down as a "yes"?

    And you're annoyed because they finally said no?

    Ok.
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  • goldchocobo.defunct635829490514903826goldchocobo.defunct635829490514903826 member
    First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    My FI has a Polish relative that hasn't RSVP'd yet and my FMIL says to him yesterday "In Poland it is so RUDE to ask outright if she will be attending.  You can lead up and say things like "Oh you'll love Gold's dress when you see it!!" but you can't outright say "Yo, you RSVPin' or not??"  

    Is this even true?  Are there any Polish people that can verify that this is a thing?  How does anyone get plate counts if this is a custom?  Or is this bull and FMIL won't admit she lost this woman's number?
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  • zitiqueenzitiqueen member
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    goldchocobo said:
    My FI has a Polish relative that hasn't RSVP'd yet and my FMIL says to him yesterday "In Poland it is so RUDE to ask outright if she will be attending.  You can lead up and say things like "Oh you'll love Gold's dress when you see it!!" but you can't outright say "Yo, you RSVPin' or not??"  

    Is this even true?  Are there any Polish people that can verify that this is a thing?  How does anyone get plate counts if this is a custom?  Or is this bull and FMIL won't admit she lost this woman's number?
    Does this woman live in Poland, and are you getting married in Poland?
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  • goldchocobo.defunct635829490514903826goldchocobo.defunct635829490514903826 member
    First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    I don't want to thread jack...  No this woman is of Polish decent living in Canada and has lived in Canada for many years ( like 20ish years).  We're Canadian and the wedding is in Canada.
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  • zitiqueenzitiqueen member
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    I'm pretty sure that in Canada it's not considered rude to ask people if they're attending. Your FMIL is nuts. Tell your H to get on the phone and ask Canadian relative of Polish descent if she's coming or not.
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  • goldchocobo.defunct635829490514903826goldchocobo.defunct635829490514903826 member
    First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    Oh for sure.  We're in Canada and Canadians want numbers by the deadline.
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  • zitiqueenzitiqueen member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    Then your H needs to call his relative and ask if she's coming to the wedding or not. He needs to leave his mother out of this discussion entirely.
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  • goldchocobo.defunct635829490514903826goldchocobo.defunct635829490514903826 member
    First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    zitiqueen said:
    Then your H needs to call his relative and ask if she's coming to the wedding or not. He needs to leave his mother out of this discussion entirely.
    Done and done. FMIL loves to butt in and 'help'.  FI has been a champ working around her helpfulness so far.  
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  • afaber24afaber24 member
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    That is pretty ridiculous OP!

    We had a couple that H works with never respond. He followed up via phone and email. Finally, the couple said they were coming and were "Very Excited". That day, they texted another one of H's colleagues that they weren't coming because....."They didn't have anything to wear". OMG! The worst! They still haven't apologized or even let H know. Irks me to no end!

    We had a few no shows and all the others were super apologetic and let us know what was going on as soon as they could. These two though! UGH! And they were local to the wedding!
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  • goldchocobo.defunct635829490514903826goldchocobo.defunct635829490514903826 member
    First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    @afaber, are those the guests who had their house burn down?
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  • afaber24afaber24 member
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    Yes, three months before the wedding. I felt pretty bad right after, but since we still haven't heard a word from them. I don't feel as bad.
    It's not even the crappy reason they gave that irks me anymore. It's more that they never said sorry or contacted us.
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  • goldchocobo.defunct635829490514903826goldchocobo.defunct635829490514903826 member
    First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    afaber24 said:
    Yes, three months before the wedding. I felt pretty bad right after, but since we still haven't heard a word from them. I don't feel as bad.
    It's not even the crappy reason they gave that irks me anymore. It's more that they never said sorry or contacted us.
    They just completely fell off the radar?  That's nuts.  
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  • afaber24afaber24 member
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    Right! The guy and H work for the same company but not in the same building, so they have corresponded via work emails, but no word about the wedding. For the other couple no show's we had: 1 sent a nice gift, 1 sent a card, 1 sent a facebook message, and 1 took us out for dinner + gave a gift! And those people all had legit reasons. People obviously realize its not too to say yes and then not show up. At this point, I hope we don't see them. Just not sure how I'll hide my discontent.
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  • ssammiissammii member
    First Comment 5 Love Its
    goldchocobo said:
    My FI has a Polish relative that hasn't RSVP'd yet and my FMIL says to him yesterday "In Poland it is so RUDE to ask outright if she will be attending.  You can lead up and say things like "Oh you'll love Gold's dress when you see it!!" but you can't outright say "Yo, you RSVPin' or not??"  

    Is this even true?  Are there any Polish people that can verify that this is a thing?  How does anyone get plate counts if this is a custom?  Or is this bull and FMIL won't admit she lost

    We are Polish and any party we've hosted had a regrets only RSVP for this reason: usually with Polish weddings/parties, the hosts assume everyone can come, unless they specifically say they cannot. It's assumed you will be there for your brother's/cousin's/neighbor's/random friend from 2nd grade's wedding unless you reach out and say that you can't make it.

    As far as food goes, they serve dinner the whole night in Poland. Plus, a lot of weddings are two days long, with another hosted party the day after. So the plate count thing is not really needed. There is vodka on every table (replaced as needed) as well as a bar, so again the per person count doesn't "matter". I'm not sure how they pay for these venues, but I'm assuming it may be a base rate + consumption thing rather than all in advance.

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  • goldchocobo.defunct635829490514903826goldchocobo.defunct635829490514903826 member
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    Yes but you still say you can't make it.  You don't just not say anything.

    She sent her reply card back as a decline yesterday so it was a lot of speculation for nothing.  FI is sad she declined, but she might be moving back to Poland soon so maybe that's why.
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  • vh2014vh2014 member
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    aeryfaery said:
    I don't understand.

    A couple that didn't bother RSVPing or bothering to respond in any form, despite multiple attempts on your part to get a firm answer...so you put them down as a "yes"?

    And you're annoyed because they finally said no?

    Ok.
    I didn't want to run out of food or chairs so I counted them "in case".  I wasn't annoyed, just baffled that they suddenly chose to respond 9 days out. One of those whacked things.  I was prepared for a no show, but thought it odd that she decided to post that she wasn't coming so close.  But who knows... maybe they just didn't make up their mind until then.  

    What I was annoyed about was someone adding an extra guest last minute... that I had to figure out and then day of they took it upon themselves to change their own table... but that's a whole different story.  And while it briefly annoyed me, it didn't ruin anything for me and gave H and I something else to roll our eyes and laugh at. 

    As others have said... in the end all that mattered was marrying him and sharing the day with people we cared about and who cared about us. (even the moderately annoying ones)
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  • crwassoncrwasson member
    First Comment Name Dropper
    People do crazy stuff with RSVPs.  My fiance's Aunt and cousins have literally refused to send in the RSVP cards.  They said "we aren't going to send in the RSVP card but we're all coming."  

    Yeah, no.  I need the cards with the names of exactly who is coming because knowing them, there will be extras who were not invited.  
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