I have a bridesmaids problems...as in I have none.

Re: I have a bridesmaids problems...as in I have none.

• [Deleted User] member

  

  September 2014

  First, don't ask anyone to be a bridesmaid until 6-9 months before your wedding.  So, you have time.

  
  

  Second, call up your "friends" and talk to them.  Do not talk about the wedding.  At all.  Don't mention it.  If they bring it up, change the subject.  Tell them you realize you fell off the planet, feel bad about it, and just want to get back in touch.

  
  

  Third, you don't have to have bridesmaids.  Bridesmaids don't have to be female.  Sides don't have to be even.  Yes, you can ask a newer friend to be a bridesmaid, but don't do it just to have a bridesmaid.  Ask the people (person) you'd call at 3am to help you hide a body; people you couldn't imagine getting married without.

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• holyguacamole79 member

  

  September 2014 edited September 2014

  sarascott2016 said:

  I have always been an introvert and only had a few, close friends. The person I thought was my best friend, 'Leslie', always had an issue with being selfish but had improved over the years. She's actually the one who introduced me to my now fiancee, Clayton, who was also her friend. I had been very busy spending time with Clayton and just started going back to school full time. I hadn't been able to really talk to her or hang out with her for awhile (a month or so), but had planned on doing so soon. Before I could do that, Clayton proposed. I posted the happy news on facebook, and texted her about it later that night.

  
  

  All i got was a 'congrats' an hour later. Nothing else. She never contacted me at all to tell me congratulations, I had to text her and that was all she had to say. As someone who I thought was my best friend for the past 10 years, I thought this hurtful. I could have even understood if she had at least told me she that she was upset or concerned about the engagement, but there was complete silence on her part. Clayton asked her about it a couple days later and she actually started to say how it was my fault for ignoring her (even though she never tried to contact me before this happened), then proceeded to talk shit about me to my fiancee. I ended our friendship that night. I tried to contact my other friend, who had also been mysteriously silent on this matter only to find that she apparently talked to leslie and blocked me off of facebook!  Neither of them apologized for their behavior. If it had just been them having hurt feelings, I could have understood but to act so hateful was completely uncalled for.

  
  

  I was shocked. I considered these people to be my close friends, and thought they would celebrate with me. Or at least be happy for me, seeing as my fiancee was friends with them in college as well. I never imagined this would happen. The result is...I have no bridesmaids.The good thing is my wedding isn't until January 2016 so I have time to make new friends. However, I'm not sure if it would be appropriate or wise to ask a newer friend to be a bridesmaid. Should I just stick with my fiancee's family? Or ask a newer friend to be a bridesmaid? How long into a friendship would it be appropriate to ask that question? Any input would be appreciated!

  Agree with adk.  Just enjoy your engagement for now and find a way to catch up with Leslie.  Do not talk wedding.  Just catch up with her. 
  
  ETA:  Over the next year or so of planning, don't look at potential friends as potential bridesmaids.  Just let things happen and don't let everything become wedding-focused.
  

  
  
  
  
  

  

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• sarascott2016 member

  

  September 2014

  I honestly don't want to be friends with these people. I can't trust someone who is going to talk shit about me to my fiancee. If it was just hurt feelings, I could have reconciled and moved past that. Trying to sabotage with my relationship with my fiance by spreading lies is too much though. Or someone who would just block me and not even try to talk to me about it, forget it. She already made her decision by blocking me. 

  
  

  I do want bridesmaids at my wedding, even if it's just my fiancee's family. I wouldn't ask someone to be a bridesmaid  just for the pictures, I would want them to be someone that I'm good friends with. I'm focusing on my school, if I make new friends, thats great, if not, that's ok too. I just didnt know that if I did end up making some new friends, if it would be ok to ask them that.

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• holyguacamole79 member

  

  September 2014

  sarascott2016 said:

  I honestly don't want to be friends with these people. I can't trust someone who is going to talk shit about me to my fiancee. If it was just hurt feelings, I could have reconciled and moved past that. Trying to sabotage with my relationship with my fiance by spreading lies is too much though. Or someone who would just block me and not even try to talk to me about it, forget it. She already made her decision by blocking me. 

  
  

  I do want bridesmaids at my wedding, even if it's just my fiancee's family. I wouldn't ask someone to be a bridesmaid  just for the pictures, I would want them to be someone that I'm good friends with. I'm focusing on my school, if I make new friends, thats great, if not, that's ok too. I just didnt know that if I did end up making some new friends, if it would be ok to ask them that.

  Sounds like you have a good attitude about it.  Stick around, and congrats!
  

  
  
  
  
  

  

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• larrygaga member

  

  September 2014

  sarascott2016 said:

  I have always been an introvert and only had a few, close friends. The person I thought was my best friend, 'Leslie', always had an issue with being selfish but had improved over the years. She's actually the one who introduced me to my now fiancee, Clayton, who was also her friend. I had been very busy spending time with Clayton and just started going back to school full time. I hadn't been able to really talk to her or hang out with her for awhile (a month or so), but had planned on doing so soon. Before I could do that, Clayton proposed. I posted the happy news on facebook, and texted her about it later that night.

  
  

  All i got was a 'congrats' an hour later. Nothing else. She never contacted me at all to tell me congratulations, I had to text her and that was all she had to say. As someone who I thought was my best friend for the past 10 years, I thought this hurtful. I could have even understood if she had at least told me she that she was upset or concerned about the engagement, but there was complete silence on her part. Clayton asked her about it a couple days later and she actually started to say how it was my fault for ignoring her (even though she never tried to contact me before this happened), then proceeded to talk shit about me to my fiancee. I ended our friendship that night. I tried to contact my other friend, who had also been mysteriously silent on this matter only to find that she apparently talked to leslie and blocked me off of facebook!  Neither of them apologized for their behavior. If it had just been them having hurt feelings, I could have understood but to act so hateful was completely uncalled for.

  
  

  I was shocked. I considered these people to be my close friends, and thought they would celebrate with me. Or at least be happy for me, seeing as my fiancee was friends with them in college as well. I never imagined this would happen. The result is...I have no bridesmaids.The good thing is my wedding isn't until January 2016 so I have time to make new friends. However, I'm not sure if it would be appropriate or wise to ask a newer friend to be a bridesmaid. Should I just stick with my fiancee's family? Or ask a newer friend to be a bridesmaid? How long into a friendship would it be appropriate to ask that question? Any input would be appreciated!

  So you put it on facebook first, texted her and then expected her to do more than text you back?

  
  

  If I found out my best friend was engaged through facebook, then she texted it to me, I probably wouldn't even give her a congrats. I wonder if your friends are hurt that you didn't call them? 

  
  

  
  

  
  

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• LittlePeachBlossom member

  

  September 2014

  I agree with Larrygaga. I'd personally like to hear life-changing events of my closest friends directly rather then from a fb post. I would be hurt and wonder if I didn't meant as much to them as I thought. I waited a few days before announcing it to the world to make sure our nearest and dearest had been informed. After announcing it once and of course changing the status (lol silly but so fun), I haven't mentioned engagement or wedding planning again.

  
  

  I'm on the fence about 'talking shit'. What exactly did she say? If she was just expressing her disappointment, I don't think it's a friendship ending move. If she was totally trashing you and calling you names, that's a different story

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• [Deleted User] member

  

  September 2014

  One... Is your fiance a man or is your fiancee a woman?  Just a tip to use the right spelling of the word depending on the gender of the person you're marrying.

  
  

  Two... End the friendship if you want, but I don't know if I'd let one day of trash talking ruin 10 years of history.  Maybe she was in a bad mood.  Maybe she had the hots for your man and didn't realize it was never going to happen until he popped the question.  Just don't close the door on the friendship yet.  Feel free to ignore that door for a while until you both cool off, but don't slam it shut.

  
  

  Three... I understand wanting bridesmaids, but just remember you don't NEED them.  All you need to get married is your fiance and maybe an officiant.  Everything else is icing.  So, like I said, wait until your wedding is 9 months away, then think about who you would call to help you hide a body.  If it's your mom, ask her to be your bridesmaid, if it's your male cousin, ask him to be your bridesman, if it's your fiance's sister, ask her.

  
  

  Four... Like a PP said, go out and make more friends, but don't go out looking for a bridesmaid.  Look for friends, people to grab coffee with, people to catch a movie with when your fiance isn't available.  Join a club, host dinner parties, grab drinks with co-workers after work.

  
  

  Enjoy wedding planning, but don't stress the small stuff.

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• sarascott2016 member

  

  September 2014

  I texted her right after I had made the status change. I didn't call her because she was at baseball game so she wouldn't have even able to talk about it anyway. When I talked to her about it, she told me she wasn't upset about that but because I had been 'ignoring' her up until that point. (Even though she hadn't tried to contact me during that time period) if it had just been that, we could have worked it out. I get that I'm not perfect, and I was ready to make an apology for not being as present. But then she started actively saying anything she could to try to make problems between my fiancé and i. She completely threw me under the bus and even made up lies about me.

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• sarascott2016 member

  

  September 2014

  Thanks for the great advice everyone. I agree that there are more important things to focus on right now. I understand that her feelings were hurt and she may have been lashing not, but I'm just not sure I could ever fully trust her again knowing that she could try to damage my relationship with my fiancé/husband. Thanks for the tip on the spelling too, I didn't know what the difference was before.

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• sarascott2016 member

  

  September 2014 edited September 2014

  That was my point- she was upset that I didn't contact her but she never once tried to get ahold of me during that time. I don't think that it was only my responsibility to make a first move either. I was also busy going back to school. I thought she would have understood that my life was kind of crazy at that point and given me a little while to adjust.

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• zitiqueen member

  

  September 2014 edited September 2014

  So the responsibility for keeping the friendship alive rests squarely on her shoulders?

  
  

  She was hurt because you dumped her for your BF. She lashed out. Both of you need to apologize to each other, get over it and move on.

  
  

  How old are you and your friend?

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• EllieAugust member

  

  September 2014

  I will say this:  You have plenty of time between now and the wedding to cultivate new friendships, and maybe they will bridesmaids, maybe they will just be good friends. However, I would say that my best girlfriends are super important to me.  I would never be able to go a month without talking to them.  And they were my first phone calls when I got engaged. (He surprised me on a walk at the beach before dinner with my family so I got to tell them in person)  They were my rocks during the engagement, wedding, and now.  My husband is amazing and I love him.  But there are things that only a wine night with the girls can handle.  

  
  

  If they hurt your feelings and you don't want to be friends with them, that's fine.  (Her feelings may have been hurt too, and she may have talked behind your back to lash out) But I would recommend that for new friends, you make an effort to spend time with them outside of your relationship with your FH.  Make time for your friends.  I know it is easy to get caught up with a relationship, but friends are important.  

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• jackannlu member

  

  September 2014

  This happened to me with a few of my best friends from high school. My take on it: people change, and when they do people can grow apart and friendships evolve. If you had told me in high school that I wouldn't be close with my best friends in 10 years, I would've called bullshit. But when people start to work, start families, get engaged, are in grad school, etc. its just not so easy to do everything you used to do before.

  And while good friendships will grow and adapt to all the life changes, it definitely won't be the same as it was and both of you have to be okay with that. It seems to me that your friend wasn't okay with it and expected you to put all the work into maintaining a close friendship. But it's not all her fault... no one likes to feel abandoned, especially for a boyfriend. Now you said you started school, which is a valid excuse for not having time, but that you were busy spending time with Clayton is not. Maybe putting her in your BP would be a way of mending your friendship since she was your best friend for 10 years, if that's what you want to do.

  But if you don't, remember BM are not a necessity. I have plenty of friends I could ask, and me and FI have decided to not have a BP. I would suggest not putting just anyone in your wedding just to have a BP... they're supposed to be people who mean a lot to you.

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• atlastmrsg member

  

  September 2014

  1) It's fiance.  Fiancee=the female one who's about to get married.  You're the fiancee, he's the fiance.

  
  

  2) Maybe you're really young, but even younger generations need to learn that life happens away from their iphone/ipad/laptop/etc.  You can't expect these people to lavish congratulations on you when your only real contact with them is Facebook.  After my husband proposed, we called our families and the people who were meaningful to us before we posted it on FB.  We CALLED them.  Not texted.

  
  

  3) Once you learn how to be a good friend--doing things like taking interest in someone's life, calling them, seeing them in person...then you can evaluate whether they are bridesmaid material.  If you don't have these people in your life, perhaps this is a good wake up call for you.  Before you say "well, I'm busy/my friends didn't take me out to lunch/whine/whine/etc." that doesn't give you the out to not treat them how a good friend would.  There are plenty of people on this board who are busy--as in they're raising a family, going to school, getting married, and more.  They manage to care.  Start fresh with some new people who you think you'd like to get to know and do it right.  But don't do it for the sake of having bridesmaids.

  
  

  4) Not every wedding is the traditional set up where there is a bride and a bunch of girls around her that are approximately her age.  Some brides have one attendant--that's what I did.  Instead of trying to pick between a lot of sorority sisters or friends, which could've caused hurt feelings, I picked the one person who is my person.  My she-soulmate.  My husband's younger brother stood with him.  Some brides have their mom as their MOH.  Some don't have anyone.  Some have a brother.  Evaluate who's close to you, not who "looks" like a bridesmaid.

  
  

  5) This has a long time to work itself out.  If you really love your friend, take her to lunch, apologize for not taking an active interest in her life, and discuss how you two can repair the friendship.  Start over and do it right.  Wine often helps lubricate these discussions.

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• sarascott2016 member

  

  September 2014

  1. That's already been pointed out to me. 2. I understand where people are coming from, and where that was a lapse of judgement on my part. Like I said, I texted her immediately after, not called because I knew she was at a game and would not be able to answer. 3. I am a good friend. I have bent over backwards for this girl to accommodate her schedule whenever we made plans. I have always texted and called her regularly. This was the one time where I didn't because I was still learning how to manage my time with full time school, full time work, plus my relationship and my family. It was hypocritical for her to get upset about this because she has often fallen off the face of the earth for months at a time when she is in a relationship. She put her relationship in front of our friendship many times too. For instance, just a couple months ago we had planned to go to a concert. She canceled last minute for a 'work meeting' which I later found out was actually a vacation weekend with her boyfriend. I understand that the past month, I wasn't the perfect friend. After all the shit she's pulled on me, I thought she could cut me a break one time. I was ready to talk to her and apologize to her for not managing my time well. I didn't get a chance to do that because she decided to attack me and spread vicious lies. I have been a good friend. I forgave her and moved on when she hurt me before because we'd been friends for so long and she meant a lot to me. Trying to damage my relationship with my fiancé was the last straw. I will never be able to trust her or be friends with her again.

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• AddieCake member

  

  September 2014 edited September 2014

  I, too, am wondering how old you all are. Blocking you on FB suddenly for no apparent reason seems very immature to me. Yes, if you meet friends at school you can ask them to be bridesmaids. You can ask anyone you want to be bridesmaids.

  What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14

  

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• mrsmagicgeek member

  

  September 2014

  Can I just say how much I hate Facebook? I mean, I use it to catch up with family who lives far away, but the ones who update their status with every single thing they do drive me nuts. Putting it all out there is just weird. I also can't imagine fighting with someone over Facebook, or announcing major life events there without calling my nearest and dearest first. Just weird.

  

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• schellzinator member

  

  September 2014

  @mrsmagicgeek - I was thinking the same thing! 

  

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