Wedding Woes

Thinking about canceling the wedding

I'm so over this whole wedding thing that I'm seriously thinking about doing away with the day we have (barely) planned and going to the courthouse.

My mom and I can't seem to agree on anything. From the time of year we picked, to the menu, to the length of the bridesmaids' dresses, she has fought me tooth and nail. We've been engaged for about a year and a month and our wedding is in May. The only thing we have committed to is a photo booth. The church, reception venue, DJ, and dress have all been decided on but we haven't gone through with them. I am always stressed out about finances, and despite the help we're receiving from family, I can't help but feel that the money could be spent more wisely. We're both students and my mom has told me that I shouldn't be taking any classes the semester before the wedding. Every conversation we have is about how unprepared I am, how I need to lose weight so I'm not (as) fat for the wedding, and how her opinions are better than mine. So here's how I broke it down:

Pros to saying "screw the wedding":
+ We save (most of) the money that would have been spent on the wedding day
+ We get married whenever we want, which means we could get married on 12/13/14! (Hey, I like that day! And winter honeymoon/anniversary trips!)
+ ^ This means that we also get tax bennies for 2014 and...
+ ...we would save an extra ~$2500 on tuition (I work for a university and spouses get half off tuition) and additional $ on health insurance
+ I can take classes spring semester and graduate a year earlier than I otherwise would if we were to go through with the wedding
+ Less pressure on me to lose weight for the wedding. I'm so worried that I'm still going to be a "fat bride" and that will preoccupy my thoughts during the wedding day (which means I'd be worrying more about being a disappointment to my family and I wouldn't actually enjoy my wedding day)
+ Less arguments with mom (always a big plus!)

Cons:
- Won't get to celebrate with all of my family and friends (many are out of town and I wouldn't send an invite for people to come visit a courthouse lol)
- Won't get to get married in the Orthodox church, which is gorgeous and has such a beautiful and meaningful ceremony
- I'm afraid we'll regret not having a big celebration
- I'm the only child and my fiancé is the oldest child, so I think the parents will be disappointed if we didn't have a nice wedding

We weren't looking for a super extravagant wedding, but it's going to end up being around $15,000 before the honeymoon. I wasn't one of those girls who dreamt about her wedding as a child, but I made up for it on Pinterest over the past few years. That being said, I don't know how attached I am to this whole wedding thing anyway.

Thoughts, anyone? Sorry for anyone who saw this and thought "TL;DR" - but for those of you who read this, thank you. Any input would be appreciated.
9.13.15 <3

I say "that's what she said" more than any normal person should.

Re: Thinking about canceling the wedding

  • It's a personal decision. You and your fiance have to do what YOU both think is is best.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
  • Agree with AuddieCake - it's yours and your FI decision.  I never understood why we let other people (like moms) dictate so much...  meh - 
  • jacques27jacques27 member
    First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited September 2014
    Again, you and FI need to do what is right for you.  But I do have a couple of things to say.

    1.  I, personally, do not trust the opinions of any person who says that someone else needs to take a break in their education for the purposes of planning a one day party.  I don't care if that person gave birth to me.  The fact of the matter is, it is not uncommon for those people who take breaks (for whatever reason) to not go back to finish.  Either finances turn out differently and they can't afford to, or other life circumstances make them feel like they need to choose another option.  That is ridiculously bad advice you received there.

    1.2  I also don't trust the opinions of any person who feels like they get a say in how another grown person looks.

    2.  I promise you that you can be ok with "giving up" the pinterest dream wedding, especially since it was never of interest to you before.  I think it's one of the hazards of the technology age - we get way more information and we interact with way more people that we tend to get swept up in the ideas more readily and develop almost this hoarding mentality.  And it's not just weddings. 

    For example, many years ago I belonged to a forum that specialized in bath and beauty products, particularly sort of niche and handmade products.  And while I only sort of liked that stuff before and would go to Bath & Body Works every once in awhile, once I started virtually hanging out with this group of women who were all into these much more expensive (and really cute and unique) products and we were talking about them all the time, I found myself getting swept up in needing to get every limited item that came out and buying more so that I don't run out, and essentially hoarding because it was fun and we were talking about it all the time.  Eventually, it hit me that I was spending more than I could really afford if I wanted things like a house and a new car and to pay off my student loans in a timely manner.  And that I had way more of this "stuff" than I really needed or could even use in a reasonable time frame.  So I stopped hanging out there.  And it was really hard.  And I still came back every once in awhile and lurked.  But the longer I was away, the easier it became and I occupied my time with a less expensive and healthier hobby. 

    I feel like Pinterest and weddings is the same - you're hoarding ideas and feeling like you NEED to have it now.  But I promise you, if you start to separate yourself from it, you might miss it at first, but it will get easier and then you can plan something that is exactly what suits your needs without the extra influence or pressure (and who knows - it might end up being exactly the same Pinterest wedding when all is said and done).  But please, don't let thinking that you'll miss out on something influence your decision.
  • Chananigans33 said:
    I'm so over this whole wedding thing that I'm seriously thinking about doing away with the day we have (barely) planned and going to the courthouse.

    My mom and I can't seem to agree on anything. From the time of year we picked, to the menu, to the length of the bridesmaids' dresses, she has fought me tooth and nail. We've been engaged for about a year and a month and our wedding is in May. The only thing we have committed to is a photo booth. The church, reception venue, DJ, and dress have all been decided on but we haven't gone through with them. I am always stressed out about finances, and despite the help we're receiving from family, I can't help but feel that the money could be spent more wisely. We're both students and my mom has told me that I shouldn't be taking any classes the semester before the wedding. Every conversation we have is about how unprepared I am, how I need to lose weight so I'm not (as) fat for the wedding, and how her opinions are better than mine. So here's how I broke it down:

    Pros to saying "screw the wedding":
    + We save (most of) the money that would have been spent on the wedding day
    + We get married whenever we want, which means we could get married on 12/13/14! (Hey, I like that day! And winter honeymoon/anniversary trips!)
    + ^ This means that we also get tax bennies for 2014 and...
    + ...we would save an extra ~$2500 on tuition (I work for a university and spouses get half off tuition) and additional $ on health insurance
    + I can take classes spring semester and graduate a year earlier than I otherwise would if we were to go through with the wedding
    + Less pressure on me to lose weight for the wedding. I'm so worried that I'm still going to be a "fat bride" and that will preoccupy my thoughts during the wedding day (which means I'd be worrying more about being a disappointment to my family and I wouldn't actually enjoy my wedding day)
    + Less arguments with mom (always a big plus!)

    Cons:
    - Won't get to celebrate with all of my family and friends (many are out of town and I wouldn't send an invite for people to come visit a courthouse lol)
    - Won't get to get married in the Orthodox church, which is gorgeous and has such a beautiful and meaningful ceremony
    - I'm afraid we'll regret not having a big celebration
    - I'm the only child and my fiancé is the oldest child, so I think the parents will be disappointed if we didn't have a nice wedding

    We weren't looking for a super extravagant wedding, but it's going to end up being around $15,000 before the honeymoon. I wasn't one of those girls who dreamt about her wedding as a child, but I made up for it on Pinterest over the past few years. That being said, I don't know how attached I am to this whole wedding thing anyway.

    Thoughts, anyone? Sorry for anyone who saw this and thought "TL;DR" - but for those of you who read this, thank you. Any input would be appreciated.
    My takeaway is that you sound a bit young for marriage, if your mom's opinions are driving your planning to this extent--especially if you keep finding yourself doing things you'd rather not, in order to placate her.  Maybe give it a few years and work on becoming more emotionally independent before you take on marriage.
  • At the end of the day, you do what you and your fiance want. End of story.
  • man, i can't believe no one said, "who's paying?" it's like i don't know who the rameys are anymore!
    image
  • Thank you all for the replies! And several of you are so right - it SHOULD be about what my FI and I want. There are just so many people in the equation and we want to appease everyone as much as possible. (If our parents aren't happy, ain't nobody happy!)

    jacques27 - I can't say I disagree with you on any of your points. While I'm hardly obsessed with Pinterest (thank goodness!), it was the only thing that made me actually excited about the wedding planning process. The only place where I could go and feel energized about getting ideas, whether they would come to fruition or not. The only thing I would regret with certainty is not celebrating the wedding day the way we wanted to. (Then again, that goes back to the question of wtf DO we want lol.) Seriously though, thank you for sharing your story and opinions! 

    Heffalump - I appreciate the feedback, however my desire to achieve harmony with my mother is hardly a sign of immaturity. (To address the age factor: I'm 26, own my own home, have 2 college degrees, and am currently a graduate student while working full-time.) Everyone has a different relationship with their family; as an only child raised by a single mother, she and I are very close in some aspects and I have a lot of respect for her. She is my only family within a 750-mile radius. It's not so much a lack of emotional independence as it is a desire to make her happy. She's just very stubborn so it takes quite a bit of conceding to do that. :)
    9.13.15 <3

    I say "that's what she said" more than any normal person should.
  • hmonkey said:
    man, i can't believe no one said, "who's paying?" it's like i don't know who the rameys are anymore!
    ^ Should've included that detail, sorry! Mom is paying for most, but FI and I are also paying a good amount. I'm assuming the ratio will work out to be 65/35 or so.
    9.13.15 <3

    I say "that's what she said" more than any normal person should.
  • hmonkey said:
    man, i can't believe no one said, "who's paying?" it's like i don't know who the rameys are anymore!
    ^ Should've included that detail, sorry! Mom is paying for most, but FI and I are also paying a good amount. I'm assuming the ratio will work out to be 65/35 or so.
    Then like it or not, your mother gets a big say in your plans.  If you want to call the shots, be prepared to pay your own way.

    As for "my desire to achieve harmony with my mother is hardly a sign of immaturity," no, obviously it's not.  Doing dumb things just because your mother said so (taking the semester before the wedding off, for example), however, is a sign of immaturity.
  • @heffalump

    do you remember the girl who QUIT HER JOB to plan her wedding? ai yi yi.
    image
  • hmonkey said:
    @heffalump

    do you remember the girl who QUIT HER JOB to plan her wedding? ai yi yi.
    I do not.  What then, was she planning to become a SAHW?  I hope so, because if she planned to return to work after the wedding, it's hard to imagine interviewing someone like that:

    Me:  "So, Brunhilda, why did you leave your previous job?"
    Brunhilda [twirling hair]:  "Because choosing flowers was like, totes time-consuming, and I hardly had any time left over to update my Pinterest boards!"
    Me:  "We'll be in touch..."  [knocks over chair in haste to leave]
  • rooz103rooz103 member
    First Comment 5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited September 2014
    OP, your mom and my mom sound like they've been conspiring together. My mom was actually angry at me for not quitting (one of my) jobs the month before the wedding. I've been planning my exit from the company for over a year, and have a resignation date of 1/1/15 (wedding is 1/3/15), but she was adamant that I take all of December off. She's worried that I'll be so stressed because of the wedding that my health will suffer. I just grin and tell her that I'm not as delicate as she thinks and that I'll be tapering my work load if I get overwhelmed. _______________________________________________________ Mom also likes to toss in comments about losing weight, which is...helpful. The thing is, my mom's always been really concerned about weight, and these comments aren't anything new; I wonder if this kind of talk from your mom is really surprising to you, or if it's something that she's suddenly started harping on. Also, since you're an only child, I'm going to guess that she's struggling with some internal stuff about having her only daughter get married. Micromanaging/telling you you're not ready might be her way of coping (poorly) with the fact that you're an adult. That's what happened with my BFF when she got married (only daughter of a widow). _____________________________________________________________ Maybe you need to have a convo with your mom about how the weight and immaturity comments are hurtful, and you can see if there are things that have been (unintentionally) hurtful to her as well. Worst case scenario, you talk things out like two adults and you get things off your chest. edit: paragraphs were there, I promise.
  • At the end of the day, it's about you and FI committing to eachother.  If you want to scrap it and start over, that's something only the TWO of you can decide.  First, change your date to the 12-13-14 that you want, period, dot, end of discussion!!!  Otherwise 5-10-15 is going to be another "fun" date for remembering...

    Something tells me there's more reason that your (single) Mom wants things to be more about her than meets the eye here.  My guess is she wants the very best for you, and these opinions are what she's pushing to make it so (otherwise they were things she is trying to live vicariously through you on) find out the reason and ask yourself "is this worth getting worked up over, or can I delegate this detail to her to accomplish without your interaction so you don't have to stress about it???"...  Delegating is the fastest way to reduce the stress on you!  Her little girl is officially growing up, and to her this may be her sendoff.  Talking and confronting the issue is far better for both of you than letting it fester until it eventually blows up in your faces at the least appropriate moment. 

    I've said it before, I'll say it again, people plan funerals in the span of a week, some in as little as three days.  Many of the vendors are the same (though some aren't), you'll still have everything that's important to you even if you end up on short notice...

    Next the "fat shaming" - whomever did that - tell them to go suck lemons!(it's a good diuretic!)  But seriously, be comfortable in your own skin.  If you feel happy/confident in your dress, that's all that matters.  If your dress for some reason doesn't fit, or makes you feel less than excited, that's what alterations and/or buying off the rack are for.  It is possible to walk in to a David's and say "I have $$$ and need a dress for Friday" and walk out with something that you can feel good in that makes you look like a hotie.  Then sell the other dress on ebay! or Craigslist.  Taking a hit is far better than walking down the aisle in something you hate wearing (hindsight 20/20)...  If you want to get toned up before your wedding on 12-13-14, you've got time to do so and look pretty darn good though your dress might not fit (I have a ton of bodybuilder friends - it's all about focus and commitment!)..  Toning is different from weight loss - never forget that!

  • From an outsiders opinion and after reading your pros and cons lists. The December wedding looks like a great idea, ONLY if you are ok with foregoing the large celebration.

    I loved the wedding we had (about $15k-$18K) I stretched every dollar to make it the most that I could. But I WANTED a big celebration. I have been to so many big fun weddings so I knew that is what I wanted (H could have cared less either way).

    But it would have been nice to save all the money and put it towards our future which it sounds like all the decisions that go into the December wedding are thinking of your future (money/taxes, school/graduation, less stress).
    image


    Anniversary
  • It seriously concerns me that your mom is pressuring you 
    1- to take time off your education and 
    2- lose weight. 

    *Especially* the first one- that should never be the case. Though my perspective is warped from being raise two teachers, I cannot wrap my head around a parent discouraging education. 

    The weight, I hope that this is not a one-sided pressure that you don't want at all but nonetheless her role should be in supporting you to lose the weight you want to lose, not pressuring you to. 

    It's up to you to decide if your desire to call off the formal wedding is more just from stress or from your true desire, but if you do keep your wedding plans it sounds like its time for an important conversation with your mom. 
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