MOH issues

LittleWohlscheid · September 2014

sarahbear31 said:

LittleWohlscheid said:

@sarahbear31, don't be ridiculous. "Having her back" is supporting the bride emotionally. Clearly OP was feeling insecure and like the MOH was being distant and rude. Maybe she was being rude. We never heard her story. If she was, it could be that she doesn't feel up to any pressure she feels (hosting the shower, etc. Maybe OP was putting pressure on her for other things.) Of course it's not fighting a rival gang- which was a joke that may have been funny if it weren't part of dozens of people being down right obnoxious and rude.

By that point, she needs no further emotional support. She is married. Life is good. Let the MOH enjoy the company of her S/O.

If a bride needs emotional support at her reception, she shouldn't be getting married.

I don't mean emotional support during dinner. The whole reason I said "have her back" was referring to the wedding process and is completely unrelated. You're mixing two different things I was trying to say.

holyguacamole79 · September 2014

@LittleWohlscheid -You initially said this:

Yes, of course the day will be for getting ready and the ceremony and she will be busy, but she can dance the night away with her SO. The dinner should not be a big deal. I've been in two weddings where I sat at the head table and my SO sat at a different table and it was fine. He and I were both happy, neither of us felt like it was rude, and we danced after dinner because it was about the newly-weds and was what they wanted. It's just dinner. It's up to the bride, but the MOH shouldn't feel like it's an attack.

That is where I got the impression that you thought the MOH should "have her back" during dinner.

I have been in a bridal party 3 times. I have been the date of a groomsman twice. All of those times I sat with my date for dinner. I would have been out out had we been separated.

Here's the thing - I got married a year and a half ago. I honestly didn't need anyone to "have my back". My MOH was my sister. The only thing I expected her to do was to show up in her dress and to pose for pictures and be in the ceremony. I'm a grown adult. By the time I got married, I had owned my own house for 7 years, defended myself in a lawsuit, and traveled the world while working for a top 10 Fortune 500 company. I was ready to enter into marriage on my own. Sure my family and friends supported me, but I never felt like anyone needed to "have my back."

When my sister got married, I was one of her MOHs. Again, she never asked me or expected me to "have her back". She was ready for this decision and I was happy for her. There wasn't much that I needed to do.

If a woman can't handle the wedding process on her own, then she needs to reevaluate whether or not she is ready to marry.

LittleWohlscheid · September 2014

@sarahbear31, I'm happy that things have gone so well for you. Honestly. However, this whole issue has been blown out of proportion. Ridiculously so. I appreciate your response being much calmer than the relentless attack that has occurred since I posted my first response, and I wish you didn't seem to think that I'm implying that a bride is incapable of handling things, but I truly do not know how to express what I've said another way. I do not change my stance. I am not sorry for what my opinion is.

This whole thing is pretty absurd and it's made The Knot seem like it hosts an incredibly hostile environment on its boards. I can't explain in a way that will make myself clearer, and I feel like even if I did, no one would listen anyway. Since it's not my wedding or yours, maybe everyone should stop worrying about what I said and just respond to OP, which is the point of the thread.

I'm not trying to be impolite- I'm just thoroughly annoyed and a bit disgusted with how this has gone down (not directly you, but a combination of responses).

holyguacamole79 · September 2014

@LittleWohlscheid, I completely agree that things have been blown out of proportion. The wedding industry leads is to believe that our bridal party should be at our beck and call, which is totally not necessary.

Look at my original reply to the OP. The only thing that you and I may not agree upon is the "head table". As I said, I have been in a bridal party 3 times and have been the date of a GM twice. All 5 of those times, I sat with my husband / date. And that's how it should be. By the time the reception rolls around, the MOHs official "duties" are done. She has finished the pictures and has been in the ceremony. From then on, she is free to do as she pleases.

Here's the thing - the wedding industry leads women to believe that her bridal party has to be at her right hand the during the entire process. This is bullshit. The bridal party should be selected not based on what they can do for her, but what they mean to her.

Women need to stop having the idea that they can "demote" or "kick her out of the wedding party" if she doesn't do enough for her. That mindset is selfish and has no place in a friendship.

LittleWohlscheid · September 2014

We do disagree on the head table thing. I don't think it's a necessity that they all be at the same table, I just don't see it as a big deal if that's how the couple wants it. I don't think that makes me rude either, but that's because that's how the weddings I've been in have been and none of the wedding party minded. Different experiences make different opinions, though.

You're right- shows like Bridezilla and the whole industry promote an unhealthy environment for a friendly relationship in that scenario. I think the only reason you should kick someone out is if the relationship has been ruined to that point that you no longer can imagine having them in the party, which is why WPs should be carefully picked, but it does sometimes happen. In this case, if OP thinks there is a problem she should talk to her MOH and try to work it out. The issue may be an actual friendship issue or maybe OP expects too much. I certainly don't advocate removing someone if it can be helped.

zitiqueen · September 2014

Allow me to repeat myself.

IF THE BRIDE NEEDS EMOTIONAL SUPPORT, SHE SHOULD BE GETTING IT FROM HER FI. OR HER THERAPIST.

You know, somebody who is vowing to stand by her side through thick and thin (or have her back, if you will), or somebody she is paying.

Thank you.

LondonLisa · September 2014

As soon as someone says "Who cares about others and their comfort/feelings- it is YOUR day" I immediately see this:

LittleWohlscheid · September 2014

Okay, @zitiqueen and @LondonLisa, you're just beating a dead horse now, not adding anything useful, and I truly don't understand what you're getting from it. I'm done defending it. I don't apologize because I said nothing wrong. You're overreacting and being childish, so find literally anything better to do with your time. You can see my point of view hasn't changed so all your doing is bullying to feel better about yourselves. LondonLisa, that's not what I said. Both of you just stop being obnoxious. I'm sure you're patting yourselves on the back for being clever, but your comments contribute NOTHING of value, which is just stupid. I cannot express how awful and rude and several other words I won't say I think people like you both are. It's done now.

And before you continue to portray yourselves as nasty, awful people anymore, this is only type of head table I've seen. The party does not sit with their SOs at it. That's why I said what I said.:
http://www-static.weddingbee.com/pics/41470/Head_Table.JPG

southernbelle0915 · September 2014

LittleWohlscheid said:

Okay, @zitiqueen and @LondonLisa, you're just beating a dead horse now, not adding anything useful, and I truly don't understand what you're getting from it. I'm done defending it. I don't apologize because I said nothing wrong. You're overreacting and being childish, so find literally anything better to do with your time. You can see my point of view hasn't changed so all your doing is bullying to feel better about yourselves. LondonLisa, that's not what I said. Both of you just stop being obnoxious. I'm sure you're patting yourselves on the back for being clever, but your comments contribute NOTHING of value, which is just stupid. I cannot express how awful and rude and several other words I won't say I think people like you both are. It's done now.
And before you continue to portray yourselves as nasty, awful people anymore, this is only type of head table I've seen. The party does not sit with their SOs at it. That's why I said what I said.:
http://www-static.weddingbee.com/pics/41470/Head_Table.JPG

I find it really funny that you say OTHERS are beating a dead horse and contributing nothing valuable when you keep saying the same thing over and over and over again...

I also find it funny that you complain that people are rude to you and then you turn around and say the highlighted above.

Do you know what hypocrisy is?

LittleWohlscheid · September 2014

@southernbelle0915 Do you honestly not see how many people have not responded to the OP, not said anything constructive to me and have just gone the bitch route? Holy shit. That highlighted portion is in response to people exaggerating, twisting my words, and just trying to make me feel bad about myself. Tell me that's not rude or awful. Tell me that standing up for myself when a dozen people are just trying to be mean and repeat what everyone else has already said is rude. If you can say that, then you need some reevaluation. I'm saying the same things because no one seems to be reading anything since my original post and I feel like even if I were saying the best things ever, at this point no one would listen and would just continue trying to make me feel bad about myself for one paragraph in my original post.

Sarahbear is the only one who has even tried to communicate her disagreement in a polite way and even that took a minute. FFS, I stand by saying you guys are being bitchy. I don't care if you like that or not. Go find someone else to repeatedly attack.

southernbelle0915 · September 2014

LittleWohlscheid said:

@southernbelle0915 Do you honestly not see how many people have not responded to the OP, not said anything constructive to me and have just gone the bitch route? Holy shit. That highlighted portion is in response to people exaggerating, twisting my words, and just trying to make me feel bad about myself. Tell me that's not rude or awful. Tell me that standing up for myself when a dozen people are just trying to be mean and repeat what everyone else has already said is rude. If you can say that, then you need some reevaluation. I'm saying the same things because no one seems to be reading anything since my original post and I feel like even if I were saying the best things ever, at this point no one would listen and would just continue trying to make me feel bad about myself for one paragraph in my original post.
Sarahbear is the only one who has even tried to communicate her disagreement in a polite way and even that took a minute. FFS, I stand by saying you guys are being bitchy. I don't care if you like that or not. Go find someone else to repeatedly attack.

To the bolded - Are you including yourself in those numbers?

Also, didn't you say you were done in your post before this one? Yet you continue to not respond to the OP and make this about you....while condemning others for not responding to the OP. You continue to call everyone bitchy....while saying others were bitchy to you.

Look. This is an online forum. People are allowed to disagree with you. And they're allowed to post however they want without violating the TOS. All online forums are like that. Perhaps the internet is not for you...

LittleWohlscheid · September 2014

@decbridetobe12 OP, I don't think it's rude to seat the WP at a head table if you want one and explain your position. Obviously your friend's feelings are important which is why you should talk it out before taking drastic measure. I may be seen as wrong on here, clearly, but that's my opinion. Hopefully you read the rest of my first post in response to the other things that went down- they seem to be a little more common opinion.

southernbelle0915 · September 2014

LittleWohlscheid said:

@southernbelle0915, Yeah, I got rude. It's hard not to when people are incapable of disagreeing like adults and ignoring what it says in the rules for the forums about remembering the people you're talking to are people too. Aren't you a mod? Isn't that what that crown badge is? But you're only calling me out. Not the people who are saying I have "fucking problems," or are accusing me of trying to get the OP to be mean for my own amusement, or who have only responded with "Fuck this shit," or are contributing to the hostile environment. Huh. Interesting approach.
I said "It's done." As in the no-longer constructive conversation. I'm so incredibly disgusted that not one person has seen the rudeness of anyone else to be a problem and that so few have tried to respond without accusing me of just being a bad person. And I have said multiple times to OP I stand by what I said, and if she reads this I still do.

@decbridetobe12 OP, I don't think it's rude to seat the WP at a head table if you want one and explain your position. Obviously your friend's feelings are important which is why you should talk it out before taking drastic measure. I may be seen as wrong on here, clearly, but that's my opinion. Hopefully you read the rest of my first post in response to the other things that went down- they seem to be a little more common opinion.

If you think the TOS were violated then you can report specific posts by clicking the flag that says "Report" in the lower left of each post. I really think you should also actually read the TOS before you go flag happy.

Also, no one called you a "bad person". In the same way you want people to stop twisting your words, stop twisting others' words.

LittleWohlscheid · September 2014

@southernbelle0915, I edited my post to only address OP because I calmed down (having people call you out so much gets pretty tiring and aggravating) and wanted to focus on the real issue that was asked. I'm not going to report anyone. It's just frustrating having no one mention how other people have chosen to respond when it was just as poorly.

I'm not twisting words- I've had someone accuse me of getting someone to do a mean thing for my own enjoyment (that could probably be paraphrased as "bad person"), say I was mean, trying to get people to treat friends like dirt...it's intent is to say that I said a bad thing with malicious intent and typically that can be summed to "bad person." That's not twisting words, and seems like you're just trying to continue to say I am the only one doing anything bad based on the principle of it. Maybe that's not true, but that's certainly how it seems form here. Listen, I really am done on this thread though. Feel free to PM me if you think it's necessary and I will happily discuss it further if it's polite.

PrettyGirlLost · September 2014

LittleWohlscheid said:

I'm on your side, OP. I don't know who made all of these stupid etiquette rules, but I personally think if you want her to sit at the head table and have her SO eat at a different table, that's fine. It's not "incredibly rude." It's 45 minutes of the entire night. WRONG!!!!! It's not 45minutes, it's hours upon hours. When you are in the wedding party you are typically doing wedding shit with the bride and groom all damn day- hair and make up, "getting ready," ceremony, pictures, sitting at the head table with them. After already spending the entire day with the Bride, wedding party members would really much prefer being able to sit and eat with their SO whom they haven't seen all fucking day! If the Bride gets to eat with her SO, why can't everyone else? She can be with him later that evening because it's your day. *Gag* It ceases to be your day when you invite other people to participate in it. It's not about her SO and it's not like she won't be able to see him all day. Have you ever been in a wedding? No, you don't get to see your SO all day because from the morning on you are with the bride, typically. One meal without him is not going to kill your relationship with her or her's with her SO. It's rude as fuck to sit and eat dinner with your new husband, and force your WP to eat away from their SO's. It's also stupid as fuck. The Bride and Groom typically are seated for no more than 10mins, then they are off talking to people, taking pictures, etc. Meanwhile the Wedding Party is stuck sitting up at the head table, awkwardly eating dinner in front of everyone.

As for the bachelorette party, you are justified in being hurt, but maybe she was embarrassed and that's why she hasn't talked about it. You're right to have been upset, but I wouldn't dwell on it.
With the bridal shower and her behavior in general, have a sincere conversation and ask her what's going on. She's the MOH and needs to have your back. If it turns out you're worried over nothing, move past it, but if she gets bitchy about it- I say ask her to step down. NO NO NO! Recognizing it's your day and making simple requests ("please don't serve this food I don't like," "are you sure you're up for being my MOH?") does not make you a bridezilla.

Don't ignore it if you think there's a real issue. Have an adult conversation. Maybe she's not feeling up to being a MOH after all, or maybe she feels you're putting a little too much pressure on her. You won't know till you talk.

southernbelle0915 · September 2014

LittleWohlscheid said:

@southernbelle0915, I edited my post to only address OP because I calmed down (having people call you out so much gets pretty tiring and aggravating) and wanted to focus on the real issue that was asked. I'm not going to report anyone. It's just frustrating having no one mention how other people have chosen to respond when it was just as poorly.
I'm not twisting words- I've had someone accuse me of getting someone to do a mean thing for my own enjoyment (that could probably be paraphrased as "bad person"), say I was mean, trying to get people to treat friends like dirt...it's intent is to say that I said a bad thing with malicious intent and typically that can be summed to "bad person." That's not twisting words, and seems like you're just trying to continue to say I am the only one doing anything bad based on the principle of it. Maybe that's not true, but that's certainly how it seems form here. Listen, I really am done on this thread though. Feel free to PM me if you think it's necessary and I will happily discuss it further if it's polite.

levioosa · September 2014

OP, don't stress out about it. Don't ask her to step down. Work on your friendship first. I'm sure she feels bad about the bachelorette party.

As to the other nonsense on this post, it is rude to separate SO's from the Bridal party. It is also rude not to invite SO's to the wedding. Your bridal party has been with you all day. Let them eat their damn dinner with their date.

Just because you "get one day" does not mean you get to trample all over the people you supposedly care about and be as rude as possible. Your wedding is not a get out of jail free card to treat your guests like crap. Your reception is a thank you to your guests. You should be hosting them properly.

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