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Stepparent in Wedding Program

cosenti7cosenti7 member
First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
My parents are divorced and my father married the woman he left my mom for 10 years ago. I get along with Stepmom fine, we just aren't close.

We haven't printed out our programs yet, but the proof reads:

Parents of Bride
Mom's name
Dad's name

Parents of Groom
Mom and Dad's name

My Dadzilla has been up in arms about including his wife in every aspect possible and I'm trying to be understanding and sensitive, but UGHHHH. He loves being the center of attention and he's annoyed that his wife isn't included on the program now too. She had no part in raising me and I feel weird acting like she's my "parent."

Any suggestions on how to change the program to accommodate Dadzilla's wants without it being weird? Should I do away with the program altogether? I'm so embarrassed of this by back and forth with my father. And I don't want my mom to feel alone and single. My FI has been so understanding but even his patience with Dadzilla is growing thin.
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Re: Stepparent in Wedding Program

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    photokittyphotokitty mod
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited September 2014
    Personally I think programs are a waste of paper. So I would skip them.

    If you print them I agree with your dad that his wife should be included. She is the other half of the social unit. Since they are married I would include her. You might not like it or agree, but you are slighting his wife. You called her your stepmom, and she is. 

    Your mom knows she is single. Seeing it in writing isn't going to make her feel any different about it.

    Like I said, I'd save the trees and skip it.
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

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    holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    cosenti7 said:
    My parents are divorced and my father married the woman he left my mom for 10 years ago. I get along with Stepmom fine, we just aren't close.

    We haven't printed out our programs yet, but the proof reads:

    Parents of Bride
    Mom's name
    Dad's name

    Parents of Groom
    Mom and Dad's name

    My Dadzilla has been up in arms about including his wife in every aspect possible and I'm trying to be understanding and sensitive, but UGHHHH. He loves being the center of attention and he's annoyed that his wife isn't included on the program now too. She had no part in raising me and I feel weird acting like she's my "parent."

    Any suggestions on how to change the program to accommodate Dadzilla's wants without it being weird? Should I do away with the program altogether? I'm so embarrassed of this by back and forth with my father. And I don't want my mom to feel alone and single. My FI has been so understanding but even his patience with Dadzilla is growing thin.

    It's just a name on a program, which will probably end up in the trash by the end of the reception. Just make Dadzilla happy on this one.




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    cosenti7cosenti7 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    Thanks ladies! I still might skip it, like you both said.

    But if we still go with it, should it say:

    Mom's name
    Dad and Stepmom's name

    or
    Mom's Name
    Mr and Mrs. Dad's Name
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    photokittyphotokitty mod
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    cosenti7 said:
    Thanks ladies! I still might skip it, like you both said.

    But if we still go with it, should it say:

    Mom's name
    Dad and Stepmom's name

    or
    Mom's Name
    Mr and Mrs. Dad's Name
    Depends how you are writing the groom's parents' names. Apply the same style to your dad & stepmom as you do the groom's parents.

    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

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    theartistformerlyknownastheartistformerlyknownas member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    I don't think it's absolutely necessary, but I wouldn't die on that hill. 

    My programs listed:

    Her Family:
    Mom Lastname and Stepdad Lastname, mother and step-father of the bride
    Dad and Stepmom Lastname, father and step-mother of the bride

    His Family:
    MIL and SFIL Lastname, mother and step-father of the groom
    Grandma Lastname, Grandpa and Grandma Lastname, grandparents of the groom

    So it didn't just say "Parents" since not all of them were, we got to include the grandparents, and point out which people were steps so there wasn't any confusion or hard feelings. Plus not having a special Grandparents section made me feel a little better about not having any living grandparents to list.
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    image
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    cafarriecafarrie member
    First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    She's not your parent, I definitely don't think you have to include her and I definitely would not.  But if it's not that big of a deal I really like the way @lolo883 listed family instead of parents. 
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    southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    I don't think you need to include her. The section title is "Parents of the Bride". She's not your parent - she's your dad's wife. If she had raised you, I might have a different answer but she didn't. 

    From what I recall, your mom is sensitive about this. So if you end up deciding to include your stepmom, I would call the section "Bride's Family". I know it's a minute detail, but "Parents" carries more weight than "Family" (which is more all inslusive) IMHO.
    *********************************************************************************

    image
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    jenijoykjenijoyk member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    Ugh. I would totally say, "Sorry Dadzilla - not happening."
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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    sarahbear31 said:
    cosenti7 said:
    My parents are divorced and my father married the woman he left my mom for 10 years ago. I get along with Stepmom fine, we just aren't close.

    We haven't printed out our programs yet, but the proof reads:

    Parents of Bride
    Mom's name
    Dad's name

    Parents of Groom
    Mom and Dad's name

    My Dadzilla has been up in arms about including his wife in every aspect possible and I'm trying to be understanding and sensitive, but UGHHHH. He loves being the center of attention and he's annoyed that his wife isn't included on the program now too. She had no part in raising me and I feel weird acting like she's my "parent."

    Any suggestions on how to change the program to accommodate Dadzilla's wants without it being weird? Should I do away with the program altogether? I'm so embarrassed of this by back and forth with my father. And I don't want my mom to feel alone and single. My FI has been so understanding but even his patience with Dadzilla is growing thin.

    It's just a name on a program, which will probably end up in the trash by the end of the reception. Just make Dadzilla happy on this one.
    Kind of depends on how many other hoops the OP has to jump through to make Dadzilla happy.  If there are only a few, then I'd agree with you, but if there are a whole ton, I'd tell him, "Dad, I'm already jumping through a lot of other hoops for you about this, and it's at my expense because Mom is giving me a hard time about accommodating you.  So this time, I'm sorry, but although she is your wife, she is not my mother and played no role in bringing me up, and I am not listing her on the program as one of my 'parents.'"
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    cosenti7cosenti7 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper

    southernbelle0915 said:
    I don't think you need to include her. The section title is "Parents of the Bride". She's not your parent - she's your dad's wife. If she had raised you, I might have a different answer but she didn't. 

    From what I recall, your mom is sensitive about this. So if you end up deciding to include your stepmom, I would call the section "Bride's Family". I know it's a minute detail, but "Parents" carries more weight than "Family" (which is more all inslusive) IMHO.
    Exactly. 100% agree. It feels phony to act like she is a parent. I love the idea of renaming the section to Bride's family. Thanks.
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    cosenti7cosenti7 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    Jen4948 said:
    sarahbear31 said:
    cosenti7 said:
    My parents are divorced and my father married the woman he left my mom for 10 years ago. I get along with Stepmom fine, we just aren't close.

    We haven't printed out our programs yet, but the proof reads:

    Parents of Bride
    Mom's name
    Dad's name

    Parents of Groom
    Mom and Dad's name

    My Dadzilla has been up in arms about including his wife in every aspect possible and I'm trying to be understanding and sensitive, but UGHHHH. He loves being the center of attention and he's annoyed that his wife isn't included on the program now too. She had no part in raising me and I feel weird acting like she's my "parent."

    Any suggestions on how to change the program to accommodate Dadzilla's wants without it being weird? Should I do away with the program altogether? I'm so embarrassed of this by back and forth with my father. And I don't want my mom to feel alone and single. My FI has been so understanding but even his patience with Dadzilla is growing thin.

    It's just a name on a program, which will probably end up in the trash by the end of the reception. Just make Dadzilla happy on this one.
    Kind of depends on how many other hoops the OP has to jump through to make Dadzilla happy.  If there are only a few, then I'd agree with you, but if there are a whole ton, I'd tell him, "Dad, I'm already jumping through a lot of other hoops for you about this, and it's at my expense because Mom is giving me a hard time about accommodating you.  So this time, I'm sorry, but although she is your wife, she is not my mother and played no role in bringing me up, and I am not listing her on the program as one of my 'parents.'"
    I'm a people-pleaser and I want everyone to be happy as possible with the uncomfortable family dynamic. Dadzilla just wants a say in everything at the last minute. Guest lists, seating charts, fancy entrances, menu options, bar options, just things FI and I have already discussed.

    I tried to make appropriate choices when it came to honoring my stepmom (which ppl will judge me for, since she's the reason my parent's marriage ended 10 years ago) but it wasn't enough for Dad.
     
    Who would have thought with 2 weeks to go, my dad would be the stress factor. I feel like telling him "This would have been helpful 2 months ago!"

    Thanks to everyone's advice on here! I feel a lot better actually.
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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited September 2014
    cosenti7 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    sarahbear31 said:
    cosenti7 said:
    My parents are divorced and my father married the woman he left my mom for 10 years ago. I get along with Stepmom fine, we just aren't close.

    We haven't printed out our programs yet, but the proof reads:

    Parents of Bride
    Mom's name
    Dad's name

    Parents of Groom
    Mom and Dad's name

    My Dadzilla has been up in arms about including his wife in every aspect possible and I'm trying to be understanding and sensitive, but UGHHHH. He loves being the center of attention and he's annoyed that his wife isn't included on the program now too. She had no part in raising me and I feel weird acting like she's my "parent."

    Any suggestions on how to change the program to accommodate Dadzilla's wants without it being weird? Should I do away with the program altogether? I'm so embarrassed of this by back and forth with my father. And I don't want my mom to feel alone and single. My FI has been so understanding but even his patience with Dadzilla is growing thin.

    It's just a name on a program, which will probably end up in the trash by the end of the reception. Just make Dadzilla happy on this one.
    Kind of depends on how many other hoops the OP has to jump through to make Dadzilla happy.  If there are only a few, then I'd agree with you, but if there are a whole ton, I'd tell him, "Dad, I'm already jumping through a lot of other hoops for you about this, and it's at my expense because Mom is giving me a hard time about accommodating you.  So this time, I'm sorry, but although she is your wife, she is not my mother and played no role in bringing me up, and I am not listing her on the program as one of my 'parents.'"
    I'm a people-pleaser and I want everyone to be happy as possible with the uncomfortable family dynamic. Dadzilla just wants a say in everything at the last minute. Guest lists, seating charts, fancy entrances, menu options, bar options, just things FI and I have already discussed.

    I tried to make appropriate choices when it came to honoring my stepmom (which ppl will judge me for, since she's the reason my parent's marriage ended 10 years ago) but it wasn't enough for Dad.
     
    Who would have thought with 2 weeks to go, my dad would be the stress factor. I feel like telling him "This would have been helpful 2 months ago!"

    Thanks to everyone's advice on here! I feel a lot better actually.
    Trying to please everyone is going to cause you unnecessary stress.

    Your best course of action is to decide on some definite boundaries and then enforce those boundaries.  If what your dad wants is, according to those boundaries, no big deal, then I'd let it go, but if it does cross those boundaries, then telling him no, even if it displeases him, ultimately establishes you as an adult and makes clear that those demands are not okay and it's inappropriate for him to push them.  He may well give you some pushback, but giving in to him all the time is only going to establish you as a permanent pushover and will let him think he can cross you with impunity whenever he feels like it.

    Also, keep in mind that this is also your FI's wedding.  What if your father is crossing him too?  Shouldn't his feelings and wishes be taken into consideration?
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    cosenti7cosenti7 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper

    NYCMercedes said:
    cosenti7 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    sarahbear31 said:
    cosenti7 said:
    My parents are divorced and my father married the woman he left my mom for 10 years ago. I get along with Stepmom fine, we just aren't close.

    We haven't printed out our programs yet, but the proof reads:

    Parents of Bride
    Mom's name
    Dad's name

    Parents of Groom
    Mom and Dad's name

    My Dadzilla has been up in arms about including his wife in every aspect possible and I'm trying to be understanding and sensitive, but UGHHHH. He loves being the center of attention and he's annoyed that his wife isn't included on the program now too. She had no part in raising me and I feel weird acting like she's my "parent."

    Any suggestions on how to change the program to accommodate Dadzilla's wants without it being weird? Should I do away with the program altogether? I'm so embarrassed of this by back and forth with my father. And I don't want my mom to feel alone and single. My FI has been so understanding but even his patience with Dadzilla is growing thin.

    It's just a name on a program, which will probably end up in the trash by the end of the reception. Just make Dadzilla happy on this one.
    Kind of depends on how many other hoops the OP has to jump through to make Dadzilla happy.  If there are only a few, then I'd agree with you, but if there are a whole ton, I'd tell him, "Dad, I'm already jumping through a lot of other hoops for you about this, and it's at my expense because Mom is giving me a hard time about accommodating you.  So this time, I'm sorry, but although she is your wife, she is not my mother and played no role in bringing me up, and I am not listing her on the program as one of my 'parents.'"
    I'm a people-pleaser and I want everyone to be happy as possible with the uncomfortable family dynamic. Dadzilla just wants a say in everything at the last minute. Guest lists, seating charts, fancy entrances, menu options, bar options, just things FI and I have already discussed.

    I tried to make appropriate choices when it came to honoring my stepmom (which ppl will judge me for, since she's the reason my parent's marriage ended 10 years ago) but it wasn't enough for Dad.
     
    Who would have thought with 2 weeks to go, my dad would be the stress factor. I feel like telling him "This would have been helpful 2 months ago!"

    Thanks to everyone's advice on here! I feel a lot better actually.

    I take it dad's paying, which is why he's so involved in all of the above? 

    Btw, your dad is the reason your parent's marriage ended. 
    Dad gave us our wedding present early, so correct, but FI and I are paying for most. He's very concerned for how he and his wife will be perceived, because he wasn't this interested last year.

    And, totally right. His decision.
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    southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    cosenti7 said:

    NYCMercedes said:
    I take it dad's paying, which is why he's so involved in all of the above? 

    Btw, your dad is the reason your parent's marriage ended. 
    Dad gave us our wedding present early, so correct, but FI and I are paying for most. He's very concerned for how he and his wife will be perceived, because he wasn't this interested last year.

    And, totally right. His decision.
    Money as a wedding gift is different than paying for the wedding. If he said "this is your wedding gift" it's much different than "Here's some money that I want you to use toward paying for your wedding."

    One has strings and one doesn't.
    *********************************************************************************

    image
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    cosenti7cosenti7 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper

    southernbelle0915 said:
    cosenti7 said:

    NYCMercedes said:
    I take it dad's paying, which is why he's so involved in all of the above? 

    Btw, your dad is the reason your parent's marriage ended. 
    Dad gave us our wedding present early, so correct, but FI and I are paying for most. He's very concerned for how he and his wife will be perceived, because he wasn't this interested last year.

    And, totally right. His decision.
    Money as a wedding gift is different than paying for the wedding. If he said "this is your wedding gift" it's much different than "Here's some money that I want you to use toward paying for your wedding."

    One has strings and one doesn't.
    It was more of a "This is your wedding gift. I'm giving it to you now so you can use it for your wedding."

    Alas, strings.

    It just baffles me that it didn't occur to him to before. Now we are two weeks out and he wants to go over everything again. Woof.
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    cosenti7cosenti7 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    martha1818 said:
     


    I tried to make appropriate choices when it came to honoring my stepmom (which ppl will judge me for, since she's the reason my parent's marriage ended 10 years ago) but it wasn't enough for Dad.

    With all due respect, it was your father and not this woman who ended your parents' marriage. She was not married to your mother; your father was.
    cosenti7 said:

    Dad gave us our wedding present early, so correct, but FI and I are paying for most. He's very concerned for how he and his wife will be perceived, because he wasn't this interested last year.

    And, totally right. His decision.
    These are his own concerns to bear as an adult. His concerns should not be your problem/stress. As long as you are hosting them properly and respecting their relationship as a social unit (ie all the usual trappings such as inviting them both on the invite, seating them together, inviting both to the RD), anything else that is for parents only and not his wife (ie program listings) he needs to respect. If he doesn't like it, that's not your problem. Just because someone is paying for a portion of the wedding doesn't mean they get to walk over you and have the final say.
    Definitely. I learned a ton lurking on this board. :-D
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    JaxInBlueJaxInBlue member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    Years ago, I saw a late-in-life step-parent listed a the program like this:
    Parents of the Bride
    Ms. Jane Smith
    Mr. John Jones, accompanied by Mrs. Susan Jones

    I'm not 100% sure I like the phrasing but I can see how it might be a good political solution for some families.

    I also like the idea of listing them as Mr. and Mrs. Dad's Name, as long as you can be consistent on your FIs side.  It covers your bases without having to technically name your step-parent.
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