Divorced in-laws.. HELP!

Re: Divorced in-laws.. HELP!

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  Maggie0829 member

  

  September 2014

  buhl1sb said:

  I feel very blessed to come from a family full of great marriages, but my FI has not been so lucky..
  
  His parents are divorced and constantly doing little things to poke the fire and start trouble for each other. And of course, my FI is the one in the middle getting the brute of it all! We had both parties finally agree on how to split up the grooms side budget:
  MIL: rehearsal dinner and grooms cake
  FIL: match MIL expenses goes towards alcohol bar tab
  
  Well, the rehearsal dinner invitations come around and of course the invite says "hosted by MIL" nothing about the FIL. Both sides agreed on what they were paying for and FIL didn't help plan anything for the rehearsal dinner, BUT was that little stick in the side necessary, to completely leave him off the invite? I can see both sides, but now we're stuck in an all out battle just 25 days before our wedding!
  
  I have never dealt with divorce before and I really need some suggestions on how other brides out there handled having the family all together on the same day! Did you seat them together, do you keep them as far away as you can, what about for pictures? Any tips at all are more than appreciated! And how do I help out my FI, he feels terrible and can't really chose sides...
  

  Your FI Mom had every right to have the invite say that she and she alone is hosting because that is the truth.  Your FI Father needs to get the fuck over it.

  
  

  As for where you seat them you need to talk to your FI about that and see what he suggests.  

  
  

  And for pictures, they need to learn to act like adults for 10 minutes.

  
  

  At this point your FI needs to stay as far out of the drama as possible.  He should realize that there is no placating either of them and that these little digs (which I don't believe the RD invite was) that they do to each other aren't going to stop just because of a wedding.  Hopefully they can act mature for both your RD and wedding but if they can't then it will just make them look ridiculous not you or your FI.

  
  

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  loveislouder member

  

  September 2014

  My FI's parents went through an especially nasty divorce.  They don't speak, and have asked that they not be seating together.  FIL also asked that their photos be taken separately.
  

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  Knottie76885396 member

  

  September 2014

  I would say there needs be a clear plan of action. Speak with your FI first to make sure he is on board. See if you can sit down together with your FI and go over what is best for everyone. 

  
  

  It would be nice for him to have photos with both parents, but also have some individual shots. Sometimes adults can't be adults, but it would be great to give them a chance to see the bigger picture. Explain that it's about having a nice moment with their son. It needs to come from their son and unfortunately not just you (always difficult when you want to help them).

  
  

  I would suggest seating the parents separately, but again check with them what they would prefer. It sounds like they're in the middle (not horribly nasty to one another, but also not best buds). 

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  primafaba15 member

  

  September 2014 edited September 2014

  You didn't ask specifically about this, but -- once you clarify with FI what the situation actually is and how you're going to treat the separate parents, seat them, etc., make sure to let your key vendors know: DJ, photographer, etc., as well as whoever is performing the ceremony. 

  
  

  My FI's parents have been divorced for years, his relationship with FIL is tenuous and MIL can't stand FIL. We will have to sit them apart and we have had a conversation with each of the important players in full about the situation to avoid slip-ups (for example: we will not have our parents introduced. We will not ask our parents to dance with each other. We will take separate pictures with FIL and MIL. etc.). None of these should be a big deal, but any one of them could spark the conflict that's already brewing under the surface, so we're planning accordingly. (It was not the same situation, but my Dad's parents DO NOT dance for religious reasons and Mom's father was dead, and when my folks got married because they did not realize this was something they had to address with DJ the DJ called the parents out for a parent dance. AWKWARD. After hearing this story, we went all full disclosure with our vendors). 

  
  

  As far as FI: stay out of it yourself and just be there for FI. I let FI be the one to tell MIL what the situation is with FIL (and if we're introducing him, etc.) because I feel I should have no part in feeding the fire . My FI has known very little except divorce in his family and I've known nothing of divorce, so there's been a sharp learning curve for me. What's worked best has just been being supportive, listening to him, letting him talk through the situation with me and absolutely respecting whatever decision he needs to make (i.e., not being like "But he's your father!" at any point). 

  
  

  Also: we have designated the best man as our drama wrangler, and it is one of his duties to quietly intervene if he sees a problem happening. You may or may not need this for your situation depending on how intense it is, but it's given us peace of mind knowing FI won't be standing between his parents on the day trying to calm a fight. 

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