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Fiancee Uncomfortable with IL budget talk

Knottie30996828Knottie30996828 member
in Budget Weddings Forum
My mom is a wedding florist and has a lot of experience working with brides and planning weddings in general. She wants to get the ball rolling and sit down with me, my fiancee and my dad (my parents are divorced) to talk about money they've saved and budget talk. My fiancee feels very uncomfortable talking about money with my parents. My fiancee and I are fully committed to the fact that we are going to be paying for the majority of our own wedding costs and my parents are comfortable with that too but are excited to contribute what they can. Any suggestions how I can ease the stress of money talk so that everyone is comfortable at our "budget meeting"? Thanks for your help!
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Re: Fiancee Uncomfortable with IL budget talk

  • CMGragainCMGragain member
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    edited September 2014
    Knottie30996828 said:
    My mom is a wedding florist and has a lot of experience working with brides and planning weddings in general. She wants to get the ball rolling and sit down with me, my fiancee and my dad (my parents are divorced) to talk about money they've saved and budget talk. My fiancee feels very uncomfortable talking about money with my parents. My fiancee and I are fully committed to the fact that we are going to be paying for the majority of our own wedding costs and my parents are comfortable with that too but are excited to contribute what they can. Any suggestions how I can ease the stress of money talk so that everyone is comfortable at our "budget meeting"? Thanks for your help!
    No.  Money is a difficult subject to discuss at any time.  Your FI's feeling do him credit.
    It will be easiest if your parents have a plan of just how much they plan to contribute to your wedding budget.  It would also be good if they can write you a check that you deposit in your wedding account at this time.  There have been many letters about parents who wanted to give $$ help, but never came through.  Don't count on the money until it is in your account.
    You need to be flexible about your wedding plans.  You can have a beautiful wedding on a budget, but it may not meet your vision.  Planning a wedding is a dose of real life.  Don't do any planning until your budget is set!
    Do remember that money often comes with strings attached, and if you accept money from your parents, they will get a say in your plans.
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  • kvrunskvruns member
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    Does your FI have to b there for the money talk?  My parents are making a contribution to the wedding expenses and my FI didn't even ask the amount or want to be involved - he said it was between my parents and I.  His theory (which I agree with) is that we are planning a wedding that we can afford ourselves.  Any money contributed by parents is a welcome gift but it is between the parent/child but won't change any plans.  Obviously he will know how much since we will be paying for the balance but he didn't want to base anything off of that.

    One thing that my mom said was helpful is that I had been giving her ideas of places we were looking at, and she had been looking too online which gave a good idea on potential prices for venues and catering.  She said that was very helpful to them in deciding how much they wanted tocontribute since she had a better idea of how much certain things cost.  Could you and your FI sit down (if you haven’t already) and sketch out ideas for what you want, include his in put on things too, and that way he is part of the convo in the sense that he contributed to the overall vision but the actual money talk is between you and your parents only.


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  • Liatris2010Liatris2010 mod
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    I don't understand why he has to be there if he is uncomfortable.
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
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    If your FI is uncomfortable the she doesn't have to be there.  Now if your parents were paying for the entire wedding then I could see her having to be there to discuss budget and talk with them about what plans you and she were thinking and what your parents were thinking.  But since your parents are only going to be giving you a partial sum then I don't understand why a full out budget talk needs to happen.  If your parents want to give you, say $5K, for the wedding why do they need to know your overall budget if you and your FI are going to be paying the remainder?  Your parents have every right to want a say in how their money is spent but they do not need to know how much you and your FI are going to be spending in total for this wedding.

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  • RebeccaFlowerRebeccaFlower member
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    I was uncomfortable talking to my ILs about wedding money. They gave us a figure and we told them what we were using it for, but they didn't need to know how much we spent on other things, etc. Money talks are awkward. I suggest wine be present. 
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  • wandajune6wandajune6 member
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    It all depends on family dynamics. FI is ok talking finances with my parents in the context if the wedding but nothing else. He's ok with me talking to them about money because he knows that I will always keep his best interests in mind.

    We don't talk money with his family. FI has told me not to do it and the one time I slipped up (wedding talk with FSIL, a BM), I learned my lesson. (I love her to pieces but she had a PPD a few months before I met FI that was filled with every etiquette SNAFU imaginable. Our priorities are very different in how we allocate our budgets.)

    I think you need to think through your family dynamics and how your FI sees them. You might have very different perspectives.
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  • bahamabride2015bahamabride2015 member
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    My parents just said while I was visiting them (without FI) a couple months ago "we are giving you X for the wedding, we gave the same amount to your sister as well"  

    I don' t necessarily think it needs to be a discussion.  I would recommend they discuss it amongst themselves and just let you know when they come up with what they are comfortable contributing. 
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  • southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
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    Why does there need to be a sit-down discussion? If your parents want to offer to do your flowers or contribute a set amount of money or whatever else, they can just offer. Whether it's on a walk, over dinner, or on the phone. 

    And just so YOU know, you don't have to accept. Maybe your fiancee doesn't want to accept their money or help. Maybe she has a florist picked out and doesn't want to use your mom. Those who pay get a say and maybe she doesn't want to get into that with your family. I sure wouldn't have with my ILs.

    The two of you  need to be on the same page before either of you talk to your parents.
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