No kids - except for you

Re: No kids - except for you

• Maggie0829 member

  

  September 2014

  Barbara83 said:

  We are planning on not inviting children to our wedding with the exception of our own children, who will be the flower girl and ring bearer. However I would really like to invite the children of my closest cousin who live across the country. I have a really small family (just my parents, an aunt, uncle, and 3 cousins) and never see them because of the distance. My cousin has 4 young children (aged 2-9) and I’d love to see them all at my wedding. Is it an etiquette no no for me to include her children but no one else’s? She has expressed to me when we first got engaged that she can’t wait to visit us so I’m pretty sure she’s planning on coming. I’m not sure if she would bring her husband and all 4 kids though as in the past when our grandparents have died she only came herself with her youngest child. If she only brings her youngest, who is 1 month younger than my daughter, should I include her daughter to be another flower girl or incorporate her in the wedding party somehow? My main worry is that other guests will be upset that she was allowed to bring children and they were not. Also, should I tell her that I’m not inviting kids except for hers? I really want them to come but not feel awkward. Thanks for the advice!

  You can invite whoever you wish and that goes for children as well.  But you should and can expect hurt feelings from others who have kids but weren't invited.  This is why we suggest inviting in circles, so like if you invited only family to bring their children but not friends then that would be okay and possibly prevent any issues.

  
  

  But in the end, you can invite just her kids and no one else's.  That is not against etiquette, but you just need to be prepared that people may get their feelings hurt over it.

  
  

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• LondonLisa member

  

  September 2014

  Barbara83 said:

  We are planning on not inviting children to our wedding with the exception of our own children, who will be the flower girl and ring bearer. However I would really like to invite the children of my closest cousin who live across the country. I have a really small family (just my parents, an aunt, uncle, and 3 cousins) and never see them because of the distance. My cousin has 4 young children (aged 2-9) and I’d love to see them all at my wedding. Is it an etiquette no no for me to include her children but no one else’s? She has expressed to me when we first got engaged that she can’t wait to visit us so I’m pretty sure she’s planning on coming. I’m not sure if she would bring her husband and all 4 kids though as in the past when our grandparents have died she only came herself with her youngest child. If she only brings her youngest, who is 1 month younger than my daughter, should I include her daughter to be another flower girl or incorporate her in the wedding party somehow? My main worry is that other guests will be upset that she was allowed to bring children and they were not. Also, should I tell her that I’m not inviting kids except for hers? I really want them to come but not feel awkward. Thanks for the advice!

  It is fine to invite whomever you would like, including children. However, the easiest way to get around hurt feelings is to invite in clear circles, like children of family only (1st cousins/siblings etc). Are there any other children in Fi or your family? There will inevitably be some hurt feelings, but those people need to get over it. 

  
  

  Also, I don't see why you would put a child you have never met in your wedding. That seems strange to me. 

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• southernbelle0915 mod

  

  September 2014

  Etiquette wise, you're in the clear. But this may cause hurt feelings, especially since your family and wedding is so small. 

  
  

  I would re-think this strictly from a family politics perspective. It may be wise to have just adults at the wedding and then go out to brunch with this family during their visit if you want to spend time with the kids.

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• [Deleted User] member

  

  September 2014

  LondonLisa said:

  Barbara83 said:

  We are planning on not inviting children to our wedding with the exception of our own children, who will be the flower girl and ring bearer. However I would really like to invite the children of my closest cousin who live across the country. I have a really small family (just my parents, an aunt, uncle, and 3 cousins) and never see them because of the distance. My cousin has 4 young children (aged 2-9) and I’d love to see them all at my wedding. Is it an etiquette no no for me to include her children but no one else’s? She has expressed to me when we first got engaged that she can’t wait to visit us so I’m pretty sure she’s planning on coming. I’m not sure if she would bring her husband and all 4 kids though as in the past when our grandparents have died she only came herself with her youngest child. If she only brings her youngest, who is 1 month younger than my daughter, should I include her daughter to be another flower girl or incorporate her in the wedding party somehow? My main worry is that other guests will be upset that she was allowed to bring children and they were not. Also, should I tell her that I’m not inviting kids except for hers? I really want them to come but not feel awkward. Thanks for the advice!

  It is fine to invite whomever you would like, including children. However, the easiest way to get around hurt feelings is to invite in clear circles, like children of family only (1st cousins/siblings etc). Are there any other children in Fi or your family? There will inevitably be some hurt feelings, but those people need to get over it. 

  
  

  Also, I don't see why you would put a child you have never met in your wedding. That seems strange to me. 

  I agree, but think that your Circle of invited children can be smaller.  You say you have 4 cousins?  The circle can be the children of all four invited cousins, but you don't have to invite any other children, including the children of your fiance's cousins.  Though, you don't have to invite anyone you don't want to.  

  
  

  And you certainly don't need to take any advice from me.  I'm considering starting some family drama by not inviting 4 of my cousins, but inviting all the rest.  And if my aunt decides she's insulted that I'm not inviting her four grown children, she doesn't have to come either.

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• theartistformerlyknownas member

  

  September 2014

  Definitely don't put someone in the wedding just to give her an excuse to be there.

  
  

  You can invite whomever you want, but I definitely agree that it'll be less potential for drama to invite all of your first cousins' children.

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• jenijoyk member

  

  September 2014

  Before inviting in circles, I would call your cousin and ask what her plans are for her kids. We stressed over the kids issue; there were a few that we wanted there, but felt obligated to invite in circles. Turns out the parents of the kids we actually like didn't want to bring their kids anyway, and the other kids in the "circle" all said yes. So it defeated the whole purpose, and now kids I don't know and don't really like will be there. Whoops!

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• [Deleted User] member

  

  September 2014

  jenijoyk said:

  Before inviting in circles, I would call your cousin and ask what her plans are for her kids. We stressed over the kids issue; there were a few that we wanted there, but felt obligated to invite in circles. Turns out the parents of the kids we actually like didn't want to bring their kids anyway, and the other kids in the "circle" all said yes. So it defeated the whole purpose, and now kids I don't know and don't really like will be there. Whoops!

  Yes, this might just work.  "Hey, Cousin Mary, I'm working on the guest list for my wedding.  Would you prefer to come alone, come with your husband, or bring the whole family?  I totally want to see you and your kids, but I'm trying to figure out which other kids to invite so they won't be the only ones.  But if you weren't planning on bringing them, I just won't worry about it.  Whaddya say?"

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• [Deleted User] member

  

  September 2014

  Thanks!! I only have 3 cousins and she is the only one who has kids. My FI has a gigantic family. He has 34 cousins he is inviting and if we allowed their kids to come that would be too much. That is a good idea maybe I will talk to her about it first. Maybe she prefers to not even bring her children.

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• MegEn1 member

  

  September 2014

  One of the other bits of feedback I've gotten from TK regarding bringing kids is that if you exclude some children from the invitation, it may sway the parents' decision to attend. If they already have to fly, take off work, get a hotel, rent a car, buy a gift, AND get a sitter? Some Knotties have said that they would decline. For that reason I'm trying to treat kids as SOs - if you have 'em, they get invited.
  
  It's driving my FMIL insane because she's much more 'invite in circles' type. I'm not as worried about being offensive here and more worried about making it as easy as possible on my guests. It least it gives them the choice.
  

  
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• jenijoyk member

  

  September 2014

  adk19 said:

  jenijoyk said:

  Before inviting in circles, I would call your cousin and ask what her plans are for her kids. We stressed over the kids issue; there were a few that we wanted there, but felt obligated to invite in circles. Turns out the parents of the kids we actually like didn't want to bring their kids anyway, and the other kids in the "circle" all said yes. So it defeated the whole purpose, and now kids I don't know and don't really like will be there. Whoops!

  Yes, this might just work.  "Hey, Cousin Mary, I'm working on the guest list for my wedding.  Would you prefer to come alone, come with your husband, or bring the whole family?  I totally want to see you and your kids, but I'm trying to figure out which other kids to invite so they won't be the only ones.  But if you weren't planning on bringing them, I just won't worry about it.  Whaddya say?"

  
  Totally! I sooooo wish we had done this! Haha. Oh well. I have learned so many lessons for my next wedding. (Kidding.)

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• huskypuppy14 member

  

  October 2014

  Barbara83 said:

  Thanks!! I only have 3 cousins and she is the only one who has kids. My FI has a gigantic family. He has 34 cousins he is inviting and if we allowed their kids to come that would be too much. That is a good idea maybe I will talk to her about it first. Maybe she prefers to not even bring her children.

  It's fine to only invite just the one cousin's children because the other people in their circle don't have children. (It would have been fine even if the other's did have children, but this makes it easier).

  
  

  34 cousins on your FI side, yikes! It sounds like your side is much smaller anyway. Your cousins are not the same circle as your FI cousins so it's fine if you don't include the 34 cousin's children. That's way too much IMO. And if people have a problem because there are 6 children at your wedding that's their problem, not yours.

  
  

  I could never have had a child free wedding because I'm the oldest of the grandchildren on my Mom's side, and some of my 1st cousin's are under 18. And it would not have gone over well if I had excluded them (nor did I want to).

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

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• theartistformerlyknownas member

  

  October 2014

  Barbara83 said:

  Thanks!! I only have 3 cousins and she is the only one who has kids. My FI has a gigantic family. He has 34 cousins he is inviting and if we allowed their kids to come that would be too much. That is a good idea maybe I will talk to her about it first. Maybe she prefers to not even bring her children.

  Yuuuup. I have 5 cousins with kids, and they all happen to live out of state. DH has 31, and they're all local. My cousins' kids got invited, his did not. Only 2 of the families ended up bringing the kids. Worked out totally fine.

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