.

abbyj700 · September 2014

futurekeach said:

I guess I've always assumed that being a best friend meant not blindly agreeing with everything that friend does. I thought being a friend meant trying to protect them/be honest with them when you see them doing something out of character. I don't consider giving my opinion when asked, judging her.

You don't have to blindly agree with everything, but you also have to remember this guy is going to be with her for life. This is her husband, and you saying anything negative about him or the wedding will impact your relationship with her. Sometimes it's just best to ask some questions, get a feel for how the other person feels, lightly voice your concerns as support rather than trying "to protect" them. She's a grown woman, who obviously doesn't think she needs protection from her future husband. It's all in the delivery of asking, slightly showing concern - but not coming off as trying to be superior and judgmental.

futurekeach · September 2014

And I never said that I was superior or judgmental. I didn't post our conversation, so I don't really know where you're getting that from.

[Deleted User] · September 2014

futurekeach · September 2014

Because I feel like what I initially said is being turned around and shaped to form an assumption.

beethery · September 2014

lacensparkle15 said:

Because I feel like what I initially said is being turned around and shaped to form an assumption.

Welcome to the internet. Your options are to be explicitly clear and still potentially find yourself at the mercy of readers, be totally vague and not get the answers you want, or not post at all.

futurekeach · September 2014

I'm not complaining about that. I'm just explaining that's why I'm defending myself or "have a tone". Either way, I'm done. Sarah helped me with my issue yesterday, and I've been trying to let this die since yesterday afternoon.

[Deleted User] · September 2014

themosthappy91 · September 2014

Honest question- would none of you ladies feel compelled to say something (especially if asked point-blank, but even if not) if you felt your best friend in the entire world was moving uncharacteristically fast in a relationship? I'm all for the idea that every relationship moves at it's own pace, but we have to be able to agree that there is some sort of "norm" for getting engaged that, while it's hard to define precisely, is definitely longer than four months. I really am just curious if all of you absolutely feel you'd never say a word... if I'm being entirely honest, for my very best friend I don't think I could stop myself from at the very least saying something along the lines of "I love you and because of that fact I just have to ask, are you sure you aren't rushing into this? I just want to get your take on why you're moving so fast with this." Does my BFF HAVE to justify her decision to me? Absolutely not... but I would hope she would be willing to talk it out with me, as someone who has loves her and genuinely wants to support her but has some reservations. Maybe I expect too much of my friends... and I wouldn't feel comfortable initiating that convo with just about anyone in the world except my two BFFs and my brother. Just for the record OP, I didn't read a "tone" or an "attitude" in anything you said, things can just get dicey when it comes to the written word so maybe that's why others have perceived your posts differently than I have. But to me you've seemed very reasonable throughout this conversation and I think you also handled things with your friend very reasonably! And PPs have given good advice RE: the bachelorette party.

holyguacamole79 · September 2014

themosthappy91 said:
Honest question- would none of you ladies feel compelled to say something (especially if asked point-blank, but even if not) if you felt your best friend in the entire world was moving uncharacteristically fast in a relationship? I'm all for the idea that every relationship moves at it's own pace, but we have to be able to agree that there is some sort of "norm" for getting engaged that, while it's hard to define precisely, is definitely longer than four months.

I really am just curious if all of you absolutely feel you'd never say a word... if I'm being entirely honest, for my very best friend I don't think I could stop myself from at the very least saying something along the lines of "I love you and because of that fact I just have to ask, are you sure you aren't rushing into this? I just want to get your take on why you're moving so fast with this." Does my BFF HAVE to justify her decision to me? Absolutely not... but I would hope she would be willing to talk it out with me, as someone who has loves her and genuinely wants to support her but has some reservations. Maybe I expect too much of my friends... and I wouldn't feel comfortable initiating that convo with just about anyone in the world except my two BFFs and my brother.

Just for the record OP, I didn't read a "tone" or an "attitude" in anything you said, things can just get dicey when it comes to the written word so maybe that's why others have perceived your posts differently than I have. But to me you've seemed very reasonable throughout this conversation and I think you also handled things with your friend very reasonably! And PPs have given good advice RE: the bachelorette party.

I just had this conversation with my brother earlier this week. He and his girlfriend are talking marriage, and I am definitely concerned for several reasons (too fast is just one of them). He actually told me that he appreciated that I'm looking out for him and that I brought it up.

Inkdancer · September 2014

Oh, I have definitely had that conversation with friends. Unfortunately, it usually does not work.

KatieinBkln · October 2014

Inkdancer said:

Oh, I have definitely had that conversation with friends. Unfortunately, it usually does not work.

This!

However, I think sometimes (very rarely, but sometimes) it is worth it to hurt a friend's feelings if you think she's getting herself into an abusive or otherwise horrible situation. You still have to tread lightly, because ideally you don't want your last-ditch effort to help her to end up alienating her from you. It's a tough row to hoe, and no one wants to be the bad guy who "called it" when a relationship doesn't last or work. I think the only way you can really do it is to express concern about the hastiness/relationship itself without ever saying anything that might cast aspersions on the boyfriend/fiance himself. If your friend thinks you are making concerning choices, that is one thing (and it's hard enough to deal with). But if you think she thinks your FI is a dick? That's harder to bounce back from.

(Just for the record I'm not saying the OP did any of these things! Just my general take on how to have the Tough Conversation about things that look to be moving too fast.)

southernbelle0915 · October 2014

OP the whole thing is quoted, so no reason to DD (dirty delete). Plus, the change in discussion title to "." is pretty much a bat signal for people to come see what you wrote - which, again, was quoted.

Anyway... If my friend got engaged after 4 months and she asked me point blank what I thought, I'd probably tell her. The key is delivery. Only you know what was said and, most importantly, HOW it was said. So as you try to discern why she's pissed, reflect on that.

On the flip side, she sounds like a brat. The silent treatment? Really? Anyone who issues the silent treatment over someone saying "I'm sorry, I can't afford to attend this party" is not mature enough to get married. Plain and simple.

So yea, I'd probably share your same concerns.

chibiyui · October 2014

princessleia22 · October 2014

First, the delete was pointless, since it was quoted. And the only reason I came to this thread in the first place was the "." title... that is usually a big sign for an interesting thread with a lot of drama.

But, I can somewhat relate to your situation, so hopefully my story can help. I got married after being with DH for 5 years. We had a 2 year engagement. So we took our time a bit. My sister met a guy 1 year before my wedding. The relationship was long distance and they got engaged 8 months after they met. Then they planned the wedding for 8 months later (2 months after my wedding). So, they had only known each other 16 months, all of it from different states via phone and seeing each other on occasional weekends. There were several reasons that I was hesitant about her getting married to the guy so quickly. But, for a day or two, I was a bit frustrated (I wouldn't say I was quite upset or hurt) that she was planning her wedding so close to mine. But, there was a bit of a "stealing my thunder" moment, but after a day or two it passed and I was thrilled for her (even though I still had concerns about her rushing).

Then I got into the thinking about what her wedding meant to me financially. All my available money was budgeted for my wedding. So, paying for what I needed for her wedding, meant taking from my budget. And her wedding was across country from me, so that meant travel expenses, on top of dress. I was MOH, and wouldn't dream of turning her down. I did have to cut back some of my budget to pay for expenses and attend her wedding (nothing major though), which was okay because it was for my sister. But, there were limits to what I was willing to do. I didn't attend her bachelor party, which was thrown by other BM's, because it was OOT for me. I told her that I would love to be there, but had too many expenses with my wedding right now, so it just wasn't feasible... but definitely send me lots of photos! She was very understanding.

We did have a honest conversation about how I felt about her wedding. She was concerned that I thought she was stealing my thunder. I told her that it irked me for a day or so, especially thinking about finances for both, but then I realized that we could both have amazing weddings and could have a lot of fun planning our big days together. And that it would all work out.

And we had the conversation about me thinking she was rushing a bit. That one is very dependent on how you approach and word the conversation. I wasn't there for yours, so I don't know how it went. But, even with the best choice of words and tone of voice, it's hard to hear without feeling attacked. People tend to have blinders on when they are in love and any negative comment can feel like an attack. And she may be getting the same negative comments from others... I know my sister was. She was feeling attacked from all sides and really just wanted someone to be on her side. And of course she was well aware of the reasons everyone was concerned. But, she knew what was right for her. So, I tried to listen more than talk during that conversation. And instead of me telling her why she shouldn't get married, I let her tell me why she should. And why she wanted to do it so soon. And it was helpful for me to hear her side of it... and although I still had concerns, it helped calm my fears some and allowed me to be more supportive of her. So, maybe that's what you need to do.

First, I'd make sure she knows, very clearly, that all your disposable money is budgeted and tied up for your upcoming wedding. So, as much as you would love to fully participate and you want to support her for her big day, you will have some financial limitations. And it's okay to not go to the bachelor party. Maybe plan a day/night out, in your town, around the time of her b-party, even if it's just the two of you. Then, listen to her. Ask her how she feels about the wedding, her relationship, etc. and let her know that you are on her side. She probably just wants her friend to be excited for her, not feel like her friend is negative about the wedding. And listening to her side may help you get more on her side of it, even if it doesn't quell all your concerns. And once you voice the negative concerns, it's hard to get past that and for her to feel that her friend is supportive. But, listening to her reasons can help her feel like you are on her side.

And since you do already have some wedding planning experience under your belt, offer to help her plan. And you can work on some planning stuff together. Bounce ideas off each other. Go to bridal shows together or do cake tasting together. My sister picked out her wedding gown and BM dress for my wedding on the same day. You can both plan together and still have your own awesome weddings.