How to deal with my bridal party...

mikenberger · October 2014

So I have four girls in my bridal party. My FI and I are paying for the dresses completely. We are also paying for the girls hair and makeup so if they have the shoes they want to wear, pretty much they're out zero cash for their day of attire. I have chosen a line of dresses with multiple styles (v-neck, one shoulder, illusion neckline, strapless etc.) and told them to pick from that and that they will be floor length since the wedding will, hopefully, be outside and May 1 in Iowa will most likely be slightly cooler. 3 of them are throwing fits about them. "I don't want to wear floor length. I want to wear knee length." "I'm going to look like a linebacker in these dresses!" "Not my wedding, but to be honest, I wouldn't have picked these dresses." (that's from my MOH) "Well, it's your wedding not mine, I'll wear whatever." I don't want them to be miserable in their dresses but I'm about at my wits end. I just have no idea how to proceed with them. And I'm not making them wear taffeta or shoulder pads for pity's sake.

Any ideas?

zitiqueen · October 2014

mikenberger said:

So I have four girls in my bridal party. My FI and I are paying for the dresses completely. We are also paying for the girls hair and makeup so if they have the shoes they want to wear, pretty much they're out zero cash for their day of attire. I have chosen a line of dresses with multiple styles (v-neck, one shoulder, illusion neckline, strapless etc.) and told them to pick from that and that they will be floor length since the wedding will, hopefully, be outside and May 1 in Iowa will most likely be slightly cooler. 3 of them are throwing fits about them. "I don't want to wear floor length. I want to wear knee length." "I'm going to look like a linebacker in these dresses!" "Not my wedding, but to be honest, I wouldn't have picked these dresses." (that's from my MOH) "Well, it's your wedding not mine, I'll wear whatever." I don't want them to be miserable in their dresses but I'm about at my wits end. I just have no idea how to proceed with them. And I'm not making them wear taffeta or shoulder pads for pity's sake.

Any ideas?

Did they have any input at all in the dresses before you bought them?

mikenberger · October 2014

zitiqueen said:

mikenberger said:

So I have four girls in my bridal party. My FI and I are paying for the dresses completely. We are also paying for the girls hair and makeup so if they have the shoes they want to wear, pretty much they're out zero cash for their day of attire. I have chosen a line of dresses with multiple styles (v-neck, one shoulder, illusion neckline, strapless etc.) and told them to pick from that and that they will be floor length since the wedding will, hopefully, be outside and May 1 in Iowa will most likely be slightly cooler. 3 of them are throwing fits about them. "I don't want to wear floor length. I want to wear knee length." "I'm going to look like a linebacker in these dresses!" "Not my wedding, but to be honest, I wouldn't have picked these dresses." (that's from my MOH) "Well, it's your wedding not mine, I'll wear whatever." I don't want them to be miserable in their dresses but I'm about at my wits end. I just have no idea how to proceed with them. And I'm not making them wear taffeta or shoulder pads for pity's sake.

Any ideas?

Did they have any input at all in the dresses before you bought them?

Yup, they did. It was between chiffon and bobbinet for fabric and I got a bunch of shrugs. So I made a decision. Now this is where we are.

ETA: I chose bobbinet. This is one of the dresses: http://watters.com/Product/WtooDresses/658I/#cs:32f2d0774f0feeeb2a9087a25bf868c0

southernbelle0915 · October 2014

If the dress is in their budget and they had input on this, I don't know what they're complaining about now. And you're giving them options to choose from! Sorrynotsorry, I'd just shrug off their comments.

Unless someone says "I feel extremely uncomfortable wearing this because XYZ" then you should reconsider. But from what you said, it's simply a style preference.

novella1186 · October 2014

Kind of sounds like they're being brats. That dress is pretty. I'd wear it! And especially since you're paying for it, they're being very rude. Maybe just gently remind them that this is what you had all discussed and agreed on, you're the one paying, it is your wedding, and their rude comments make you feel bad. And then just ignore the crap they say.

esstee33 · October 2014

mikenberger said:

So I have four girls in my bridal party. My FI and I are paying for the dresses completely. We are also paying for the girls hair and makeup so if they have the shoes they want to wear, pretty much they're out zero cash for their day of attire. I have chosen a line of dresses with multiple styles (v-neck, one shoulder, illusion neckline, strapless etc.) and told them to pick from that and that they will be floor length since the wedding will, hopefully, be outside and May 1 in Iowa will most likely be slightly cooler. 3 of them are throwing fits about them. "I don't want to wear floor length. I want to wear knee length." "I'm going to look like a linebacker in these dresses!" "Not my wedding, but to be honest, I wouldn't have picked these dresses." (that's from my MOH) "Well, it's your wedding not mine, I'll wear whatever." I don't want them to be miserable in their dresses but I'm about at my wits end. I just have no idea how to proceed with them. And I'm not making them wear taffeta or shoulder pads for pity's sake.

Any ideas?

Well, that's the point, right there. It's not their wedding. You're purchasing the dresses AND giving them different options so they have some ability to choose their own dresses, so I think you're being accommodating enough. The dress you linked is gorgeous, so I fail to see the problem, but that's just me. Not everyone has the same taste.

HaileyDancingbear · October 2014

Frankly I wouldn't complain about a FREE dress that comes with a FREE hairstyle and FREE makeup application. Hell, you could put me in a long-sleeved cheetah print nightmare with a bow on the butt and I'd just shrug and say "Well, it's free." ESPECIALLY if I just shrugged at the offer to give my input on the selection. If I'm not offering input when given the chance, then I can't complain.

I think they're being a bit ridiculous. It's one thing to complain about spending money on something you don't want, but when someone gives you something for free and you turn your nose up at it (As long as there is no SIGNIFICANT reason for not liking it, such as it showing more skin than you're comfortable with showing, for example) that's a bit high-maitenance.

Honestly I'd respond to this stuff by shrugging and saying "Well, it's a free dress."

climbingsingle · October 2014

They're acting like dicks. I'm sorry. And that dress is pretty. If it were me and they kept complaining, I'd tell them that their comments were hurting my feelings.

mikenberger · October 2014

ClimbingBrideNY said:

They're acting like dicks. I'm sorry. And that dress is pretty. If it were me and they kept complaining, I'd tell them that their comments were hurting my feelings.

Agreed. They're totally acting like dicks. I'm trying not to be a huge bitch about it but I'm about |-| this close. And it does hurt my feelings. I spent a lot of time and effort into figuring out dresses to try and where to find them, never mind the monetary investment (which honestly, is the least of my concerns and will be my "low blow" if I choose to use it). I have just never had people be so bitchy about something they weren't even buying. I've been a bridesmaid before and paid for my dresses every time. I never complained to the bride. Now my mother.... she's heard a lot about every single dress

slothiegal · October 2014

Ugh, so bratty.

If they don't want to wear the dress, they don't have to walk down the aisle. They had their chance for input, now is not the time to raise a stink.

(Besides, I really, really like that dress.)

climbingsingle · October 2014

mikenberger said:

ClimbingBrideNY said:

They're acting like dicks. I'm sorry. And that dress is pretty. If it were me and they kept complaining, I'd tell them that their comments were hurting my feelings.

Agreed. They're totally acting like dicks. I'm trying not to be a huge bitch about it but I'm about |-| this close. And it does hurt my feelings. I spent a lot of time and effort into figuring out dresses to try and where to find them, never mind the monetary investment (which honestly, is the least of my concerns and will be my "low blow" if I choose to use it). I have just never had people be so bitchy about something they weren't even buying. I've been a bridesmaid before and paid for my dresses every time. I never complained to the bride. Now my mother.... she's heard a lot about every single dress

I'm with you, girl. I've been in quite a few weddings. I had to pay for the dress and alterations and shoes all myself for every single one. And some of them were pretty ugly. I not once ever said anything to the bride.

Maggie0829 · October 2014

I will also agree with PP that your BMs are being bratty bitches. Seriously, it isn't like you pulled a dress out of your ass and told them all they were wearing a hooped skirt, ruffled cover, puffy sleeved disaster with a matching hat. You had discussions with them and then made a final decision since, you know, you are paying for the dresses. And the dress you chose, i would so wear that. It is really pretty and it is FREE. That alone makes it that much better of a dress.

I am sorry they are being brats. Just ignore their complaints and keep saying 'okay but this is the dress that we are going with.'

levioosa · October 2014

HaileyDancingbear said:

Frankly I wouldn't complain about a FREE dress that comes with a FREE hairstyle and FREE makeup application. Hell, you could put me in a long-sleeved cheetah print nightmare with a bow on the butt and I'd just shrug and say "Well, it's free." ESPECIALLY if I just shrugged at the offer to give my input on the selection. If I'm not offering input when given the chance, then I can't complain.

I think they're being a bit ridiculous. It's one thing to complain about spending money on something you don't want, but when someone gives you something for free and you turn your nose up at it (As long as there is no SIGNIFICANT reason for not liking it, such as it showing more skin than you're comfortable with showing, for example) that's a bit high-maitenance.

Honestly I'd respond to this stuff by shrugging and saying "Well, it's a free dress."

Ditto this. They're being bratty and they need to suck it up. They didn't give you any input originally, and they're not paying and then they give you shit about it? No thanks. So sorrynotsorry girls, it's what you're wearing.

novella1186 · October 2014

ClimbingBrideNY said:

mikenberger said:

ClimbingBrideNY said:

They're acting like dicks. I'm sorry. And that dress is pretty. If it were me and they kept complaining, I'd tell them that their comments were hurting my feelings.

Agreed. They're totally acting like dicks. I'm trying not to be a huge bitch about it but I'm about |-| this close. And it does hurt my feelings. I spent a lot of time and effort into figuring out dresses to try and where to find them, never mind the monetary investment (which honestly, is the least of my concerns and will be my "low blow" if I choose to use it). I have just never had people be so bitchy about something they weren't even buying. I've been a bridesmaid before and paid for my dresses every time. I never complained to the bride. Now my mother.... she's heard a lot about every single dress

I'm with you, girl. I've been in quite a few weddings. I had to pay for the dress and alterations and shoes all myself for every single one. And some of them were pretty ugly. I not once ever said anything to the bride.

Ditto to this. I hated the dress I had to wear for my friends wedding, and had to pay for all of it myself. And it was pretty pricey (she did not ask any of our budgets before she chose it either). But I kept my mouth shut and pretended the dress was great. It was HER wedding, and I wanted to be there for her. My opinion of the dress and what I wore in general were totally irrelevant.

ETF: words

sarawifenow · October 2014

I am sorry that your BMs are being such brats. That dress is very pretty. Next time someone complains, send them the following picture and say that this is the alternative:

ETF: Typo. Say not said. I swear I can form correct sentences.

levioosa · October 2014

SaraBrideSoon said:

I am sorry that your BMs are being such brats. That dress is very pretty. Next time someone complains, send them the following picture and said that this is the alternative:

Um, is that the BRIDE to the left? Does that even qualify as a dress?

cafarrie · October 2014

Since you're paying, at this point I would just have them get measured, you pick a dress, and then just purchase them. If they don't want to wear it they're not in the wedding. We say this all the time about people wanting input on wedding stuff: no pay - no say.

sarawifenow · October 2014

levioosa said:

SaraBrideSoon said:

I am sorry that your BMs are being such brats. That dress is very pretty. Next time someone complains, send them the following picture and said that this is the alternative:

Um, is that the BRIDE to the left? Does that even qualify as a dress?

I think the chick in the belly shirt is helping the bride off the floor?

rooz103 · October 2014

HaileyDancingbear said:

Frankly I wouldn't complain about a FREE dress that comes with a FREE hairstyle and FREE makeup application. Hell, you could put me in a long-sleeved cheetah print nightmare with a bow on the butt and I'd just shrug and say "Well, it's free." ESPECIALLY if I just shrugged at the offer to give my input on the selection. If I'm not offering input when given the chance, then I can't complain.

I think they're being a bit ridiculous. It's one thing to complain about spending money on something you don't want, but when someone gives you something for free and you turn your nose up at it (As long as there is no SIGNIFICANT reason for not liking it, such as it showing more skin than you're comfortable with showing, for example) that's a bit high-maitenance.

Honestly I'd respond to this stuff by shrugging and saying "Well, it's a free dress."

Sorry, couldn't find one with butt bow. Maybe it'll come out in the fall 2015 collection.

levioosa · October 2014

SaraBrideSoon said:

levioosa said:

SaraBrideSoon said:

I am sorry that your BMs are being such brats. That dress is very pretty. Next time someone complains, send them the following picture and said that this is the alternative:

Um, is that the BRIDE to the left? Does that even qualify as a dress?

I think the chick in the belly shirt is helping the bride off the floor?

Or it's actually one of @Photokitty 's new Pnina dresses.

artbyallie · October 2014

Hell, I'll be in your wedding. Gorgeous dress and no doubt not cheap. Unless you just chose an awful color, and it doesn't sound like they have a problem with the color. I agree with southernbelle. The only thing that sounds specific is the linebacker complaint and frankly, assuming one doesn't already look like a linebacker in general, the ability to choose a neckline ought to be able to negate that. I have proportionally broad shoulders and I'd wear the one you posted or anything similar.

Jen4948 · October 2014

I'd tell them, "Ladies, as the dress chosen was one that you all had input on, came in multiple styles that you could take your choice from, and selected with your budgets in mind, I find your negative commentary hurtful and I am not willing to listen to any more of it." Then bean-dip them or otherwise end the conversation if anyone tries to bring it up again.

Lizzieyounce · October 2014

That dress is gorgeous! I'd have worn that to get married in! (mine was a second wedding and on the casual side)

Heck, I may order that in black just to have for formal occasions. (minus the ribbon)

Viczaesar · October 2014

HaileyDancingbear said:

Frankly I wouldn't complain about a FREE dress that comes with a FREE hairstyle and FREE makeup application. Hell, you could put me in a long-sleeved cheetah print nightmare with a bow on the butt and I'd just shrug and say "Well, it's free." ESPECIALLY if I just shrugged at the offer to give my input on the selection. If I'm not offering input when given the chance, then I can't complain.

I think they're being a bit ridiculous. It's one thing to complain about spending money on something you don't want, but when someone gives you something for free and you turn your nose up at it (As long as there is no SIGNIFICANT reason for not liking it, such as it showing more skin than you're comfortable with showing, for example) that's a bit high-maitenance.

Honestly I'd respond to this stuff by shrugging and saying "Well, it's a free dress."

I'd complain. I am not putting something on my body that I'm uncomfortable wearing, regardless of how much it cost me (or rather didn't cost). I wouldn't be a passive aggressive bitch about it, but I would say that I was not comfortable and would not be wearing that.

Bubblegum5586 · October 2014

Very pretty dress! You sound like a very generous and thoughful friend!

Sometimes I wish we could pair up the bratty bridesmaids with some of the bratty brides and see how that goes!

Liatris2010 · October 2014

I think the linebacker comment is silly because they have a variety of necklines to choose from. If you can't find one that doesn't make your look like a linebacker, maybe it is less about the dress and more about how you see yourself, so I'd ignore that.

The length is a little more valid. Why not just let them choose their own lengths? If they choose short and are cold, they have no one to blame but themselves. Not your problem.

knottie75e99fe4be548d97 · October 2014

What a bummer that you're paying and they're being rude. I didn't like two of the dresses I had to wear, but didn't say anything to the bride because MY opinion doesn't really matter on HER wedding day. I did openly tell my sister what I thought of her dress selection (because we say it like it is with one another) and in that case, I liked the dress, but thought they should be short. She heard me out, said she wanted long, and that was that. Not only are the dresses free to your BM, but they are given a choice - what selfish brats! The only thing I could offer would be to let them spend their time to select what they want and then show you (and if you like it, you could agree to go that route - if not, stick with your pick), but that's only if you're a really nice person.

graciegra · October 2014

So... I feel like you did everything 100% right and your friends are being kind of bratty, but... they are your friends and aren't happy. Not saying you have to be a push over. Not saying you have to change anything. What I'm saying is, decide if this *is* super important to you or if there is a change you can make. They are unhappy with long? Are you tied to the idea of long? If not, say, "I thought it may keep you a little warmer, but would you go with this style if it was knee length?" For the one who said "I'll look like a linebacker" she's probably not super happy with her body overall. Ask her more about styles she's comfortable in. Can you let them all know you don't have more time to look into dressed but give them some time (2 weeks?) to give you options/feedback? None of things you *need* to do, but personally I know I'd completely complain to this board/my fiancé about my friends behavior if they acted like yours but I'd probably also try to figure out a way to make them happier about the dress choice. If for no other reason than I want the people who are hanging out with me while I get ready for my wedding to be super excited for me, not slightly resentful.

lc07 · October 2014

While I think the dress you chose is pretty, I'm not a fan of choosing outfits for the wedding party. I think it's inane.

peachy13 · October 2014

Echoing PPs, your bridal party is being rude and ungrateful! Clearly they have never been in a wedding before and don't know that usually a) the dress is atrocious which yours is not, b) dresses can cost a lot, c) alterations can cost a lot, d) hair and makeup can definitely cost a lot, and most importantly e) they're not supposed to say anything about it to the bride.

You can let them know that. Tell that normally, the bride and groom doesn't pay for everything for the bridesmaids and that you're just trying to make things easier on them. You picked a dress you thought was pretty and think everyone will look really good in.

lovesclimbing · October 2014

SaraBrideSoon said:

levioosa said:

SaraBrideSoon said:

I am sorry that your BMs are being such brats. That dress is very pretty. Next time someone complains, send them the following picture and said that this is the alternative:

Um, is that the BRIDE to the left? Does that even qualify as a dress?

I think the chick in the belly shirt is helping the bride off the floor?

There is just so much wrong with this sentence. I'm laughing my head off.

How to deal with my bridal party...

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