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I Wish He Would've Surprised Me

My BF and I have been talking about marriage for a while and seriously talking about it for the past six months. Back in June, he went very traditional and asked my dad for my hand in marriage(so cute, it makes me giggle) and immediately afterwards told me about the conversation he had with my dad. He went to say that he was going to propose on Christmas when all the family is around.

So FML, I've been twiddling my thumbs since June just waiting for Christmas to roll around. Plus, I've told him several times that I'm stuck working Christmas and he doesn't get that hint.

In the mean time, I kind of feel like a jerk. He doesn't make much money, which doesn't bother me one bit, but he is stressing big time over the ring. I started off calm and collected and sent him some pics of some beautiful gem stone rings to show him that a good purchase doesn't have to cost thousands. Then *sigh*, I kept going. I'm obsessed. lol I started looking and every once in a while sending him pics of rings I really like. He'd see the price tag and freak and I'd reassure him that it was just a style idea and that, no, I def was not expecting something that fancy.

So, ya, I wish he would've kept this all a secret and surprised me with a proposal. I wouldn't be sitting here feeling like a crazed dog and I wouldn't be stressing him into one.  I told him it doesn't matter what he gets. I give him ideas, but in the end, I really want something that he picks; it would mean so much more to me. When its all said and done, I'd be happy with a bread bag twist tie.

So...how the f*ck do I take a chill pill without in fact, taking chill pills? I'm already busy...I work full time and I already have three kids. This is always lingering in my mind, no matter what I'm doing. How do I ease this pre-engagement anxiety without losing the excitement? This is probably more of a vent than a dig for advice.

Re: I Wish He Would've Surprised Me

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    First change your sn. It looks suspiciously like a last name and google is not your friend

    Second enjoy what you have now. Dating is still an important stage in your relationship and you will likely never be dating again after the proposal (that's the goal at least!)

    Third stop sending rings. If he really intends on proposing in December he should already have a decent idea on the ring so you are probably just overwhelming him. Plus the ring is less important than the sentiment behind the ring and it's more important to focus on that sentiment. Love is pretty awesome :)

    That should help :)
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    If you stop looking a rings it will help a lot. 


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    Name change done. lol I made this account years ago when I was serious with an ex that wanted to get married more than I did at the time. I never noticed the username since I've been back.

     

    You're right about me overwhelming him; that is definitely what I'm doing.  I let myself get way too fanatic about one thing. We are just both so happy to find each other and make this decision. We are both in our mid-thirties, both have kids, and have both never been married. This is an awesome journey for sure.

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    Blue is right on point. Just stop, breathe, and remember to enjoy your relationship as it is in it's current state. Pick up a hobby, do something new, or hang out with us! We love to talk about random stuff and stop the BSC that sometimes happens. 

    I would stop sending rings, or even looking at rings. It may be tempting, but just stop. He said Christmas, right? Then you have nothing to worry about until then. It's going to be hard, but just think of it that way. Just tell yourself that it won't happen until then, so there's no need to even think about it. Just go with the flow and enjoy life until then.
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    Definitely stop looking at rings.

    If you really don't want him to propose at Christmas, I'd stop dropping hints and actually just tell him.

    I think you'll find that when you get engaged, you'll be happy and excited, even if you knew it was coming. As most of the folks on here know already, my engagement wasn't a surprise at all, and my partner didn't even propose. And lemme tell ya, it was REALLY exciting and fun and wonderful. And surprising our families was a blast.
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    lilacck28lilacck28 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    edited October 2014
    ditto @phira .

    I went ring shopping with then bf. I was there when he bought the setting (we already had the center stone.) I found out when he was picking up the finished ring (by accident, but still.) And I pretty much knew when he was proposing (he got the ring on Wed., he proposed that Saturday. I knew it was going to happen that weekend.) It was still awesome.

    I agree that looking at rings is stressing you out more, and certainly stressing him out. I did that to myself too, and to fiance. I pretty much knew exactly what I wanted, and yet... I became obsessive about every little detail. I'm research oriented. I kind of do that with everything. But, there came a point where I had to tell myself "STOP. You know what you need to know. Now you're just torturing yourself." Don't do that to yourself.

    That said, you should be sure that you ACTUALLY want him to pick the ring out.
    You said you don't mind a bread twist tie, but then you also said "I've sent him a few pictures of rings I actually like" as if you don't really love the less expensive ones you've sent. That's okay, but you need to be honest with yourself and with him. Maybe you want to save up more to buy the ring you want, and get engaged sans ring. Maybe you need to to research a little more to find the affordable version of the look you like. Just be honest, and straightforward (no more "hints", which are probably stressful for him because he's not positive what you want, and doesn't want to misinterpret or make a mistake.)
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    Very similar thing happened to me! I actually walked in on my boyfriend asking my parents last December, he's not very good at secrets haha.

    Afterwards we had a long discussion and decided to wait another year (I don't want to get married until I finish my degree next May). Another year is close around the corner and I'm twiddling my thumbs wondering what is going to happen. He said he stumbled upon the ring and just went with it.  Part of me is disappointed that I didn't get the "traditional" experience  of ring shopping, or at least hinting and the surprise of an engagement.

    But alas, I realized something. This isn't what it is about at all. No ring, no dress, no moment is more important than the man I will be joining my life with. Love is much deeper than these things, it's even deeper than marriage. These are all just superficial labels we connect to as a society. Let him take the lead and relax. Just remind yourself of all of the wonderful reasons you are in love with him, and the peace will come. Once you relax both he and you will have a much more enjoyable experience!

    Enjoy your last few months of being ring-less :) 
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    I was in the same boat at one point. FI and I went ring browsing in August. I accidentally found out that he bought the ring in September (we don't live together yet, but he has me pay bills from his checking account for him... He's not good at that kind of stuff!) Honestly, it was torture for me because I knew he had the ring, but I couldn't say anything. He waited until Christmas Eve to propose!! My advice is to distract yourself. I know it sounds hard, but try not to think about it. Just know that it'll happen when the time is right, and you cannot force it. When it creeps into your mind, squash the thought! FI had my ring 3 months before I received it, and I was still so excited and emotional when he proposed. I don't think that's going to be an issue for you! I thought the same exact thing. 

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