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XP: Same-sex marriage--two ceremonies

twojunebridestwojunebrides member
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in Wedding Vows & Ceremony Discussions
Okay.  This is a bit of a long question.

FI and I met at college in a state that does not have marriage equality.  We currently live in that same state.  We decided to have our wedding on campus at the college we met at---knowing that we wouldn't be able to have a legal ceremony there.  But it is what we consider home, near our guests, has meaning to us... And we absolutely love both or ceremony and reception venue.  

Anyway, a neighboring state does have marriage equality.  And we intend on making our marriage legal by traveling across the state line to sign our liscence and say whatever legal things need to be said.  The state line is literally 3 miles from our venue.  We would have gotten married across the state boarder if there was a venue that could fit our needs.  There is not.  So now, we have this situation.  

The legal part of our day is very important to me and FI, but so is the ceremony we will be having on our college campus.  We will need to bring our witnesses, officiant, and I would like to bring our photographer.  I guess anyone else isn't necessary.  We had originally discussed having immediate family (FI mom and dad, and three brothers, my mom and stepdad and three brothers, and FI's grandmother.)  We didn't think this was too much.. but we met with our officiant and she seemed to think it was a bad idea and said that it would be a shame for us to drag all these people across the boarder for a two-minute ordeal.  

It feels like SO much more than that to me though.  And I tried to talk to my mom about it, but she keeps saying that she only cares about my "real" ceremony... meaning the one on campus.  Yes, that one is important to me, but the legal one is too. 

I guess I just dont' know what to do.  I hate that I can't just have the legal shit happen at our ceremony.  It seems like nobody besides FI and I even care about the legal part.. so maybe I shouldn't make a big deal about it.  

Help.  What do you think? 
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Re: XP: Same-sex marriage--two ceremonies

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    Knottie98468679Knottie98468679 member
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    I am also in a same sex relationship. Thankfully we live in a state that now allows same sex marriage, but just recently. When we were planning on having a big ceremony that wasn't legal we were really focusing on that one and not the legal one. I think the ceremony with friends and family is the most important one. For us anyway. We have a guest list of 338 people, all of whom support and love us. We were going to have very few, maybe just the people that stand with us as witnesses, be there. To me, that's just the piece of paper. It's important for equal rights of course, but what's in your heart and your family being there is what's important.
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    artbyallieartbyallie mod
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    Well, your mom is wrong in that the 'real' ceremony is the legal one. But since you are in a situation where you are not afforded equal rights, it is perfectly acceptable to have two. What is the timing going to be like? And the actual driving distance? Plus, keep in mind your legal tying of the knot does not have to be 2 minutes. I'm sure you can find a (second) officiant in the neighboring state to perform a more personalized ceremony.
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    [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
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    twojunebrides said:
    Okay.  This is a bit of a long question.

    FI and I met at college in a state that does not have marriage equality.  We currently live in that same state.  We decided to have our wedding on campus at the college we met at---knowing that we wouldn't be able to have a legal ceremony there.  But it is what we consider home, near our guests, has meaning to us... And we absolutely love both or ceremony and reception venue.  

    Anyway, a neighboring state does have marriage equality.  And we intend on making our marriage legal by traveling across the state line to sign our liscence and say whatever legal things need to be said.  The state line is literally 3 miles from our venue.  We would have gotten married across the state boarder if there was a venue that could fit our needs.  There is not.  So now, we have this situation.  

    The legal part of our day is very important to me and FI, but so is the ceremony we will be having on our college campus.  We will need to bring our witnesses, officiant, and I would like to bring our photographer.  I guess anyone else isn't necessary.  We had originally discussed having immediate family (FI mom and dad, and three brothers, my mom and stepdad and three brothers, and FI's grandmother.)  We didn't think this was too much.. but we met with our officiant and she seemed to think it was a bad idea and said that it would be a shame for us to drag all these people across the boarder for a two-minute ordeal.  

    It feels like SO much more than that to me though.  And I tried to talk to my mom about it, but she keeps saying that she only cares about my "real" ceremony... meaning the one on campus.  Yes, that one is important to me, but the legal one is too. 

    I guess I just dont' know what to do.  I hate that I can't just have the legal shit happen at our ceremony.  It seems like nobody besides FI and I even care about the legal part.. so maybe I shouldn't make a big deal about it.  

    Help.  What do you think? 
    I completely understand that both the campus ceremony and the legal ceremony are important to you and your fiance. It boggles my mind that your officiant would call the legal ceremony a "two-minute ordeal". If you and your fiance would like to invite your immediate family (or anyone else), then you should. 

    (On another note, I'm so happy for your and fiance that the people in your life don't question the validity of your campus ceremony. I agree with you, however, that "legal marriage" remains important symbolically and because of associated rights and privileges.)

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    bridesontherunbridesontherun member
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    I too live in a state where my upcoming marriage is illegal. We decided not to have a ceremony with our friends and family, as we've been together for 12 years. Instead we are taking our two witnesses and a small group of close family with us to our wedding out of state and doing more of a destination wedding. So far none of our choices resemble yours, except we too have a wonderful amount of people that love and support us. I guess my point of sharing is, I feel your pain. My next point is, there is no etiquette when something is illegal. So go with your feelings, and how you best want to celebrate your day.

    my feelings on the legal aspect is that it simply is a piece of paper that does not define my relationship. We are obtaining it for the legal protections and benefits that come with it, absolutely nothing relating to love or commitment. We already have the love and commitment, whether our state recognizes that or not. That said... It's still something denied to people, which makes it special, and to be coveted. That you want your family to be there to witness the signing of your legal document is important and should not be dismissed. Take them - it's 3 miles more for two minutes. It will make it more special for you and your fiancée.

    When we were discussing options relating to our marriage, I vetoed the courthouse as an option. It already felt like we were sneaking off to get married - well, because we had to. I didn't want to make it feel any more "shotgun" than it already felt. So we ended up renting a house that we could fill with all our friends and family we invited, and will be married in the backyard surrounded by our closest loved ones.

    The harder decision was how to celebrate with our friends and family back home.... We ended up with a bonfire that perfectly captured who we are. Our Maids of Honors threw us an excellent party with friends and family and s'mores. A friend brought in a lantern that we lit, and made a wish as it filled with gas and sent into the atmosphere. That was the "ceremony" our friends were a part of, and it was perfectly beautiful.

    I am curious to know if at your college campus are you doing the whole wedding thing - walking down an isle, saying vows, ect in front of your friends and family? Are you also doing this on the same day as you legally sign the certificate? Are you saying vows when you sign the certificate too? If the officiant is thinking it's only 2 minutes, then I assume you're not doing vows at the signing. Still I say bring them. I find our family is more invested in our wedding happening than we are... It means a lot for them that we too get legal recognition.

    I wish you two the best in whatever you decide!
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    twojunebridestwojunebrides member
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    @bridesontherun, thanks for your input.  It's interesting to hear how others are going about this.  Your celebrations sound very fun!  

    We are doing to whole wedding thing at our college campus.... there is a "chapel" (they call it a spiritual center) on campus that is absolutely beautiful.  We are still working on the walking down the isle thing, but we will be doing vows, exchange of rings, wedding party in front of our friends and family.  We weren't planning on doing vows at the legal thing.  

    I think we've decided to just bring our witnesses and our parents to our legal thing.  We've had conversations with our parents and my mom did a complete 180.  She said that if it's important to me, than it's important to her.  She's great.  And FI's parents are cool too.  

    I think I just had a stressful few days.  We had done a lot of our planning with jus the two of us and then we spent a weekend with our families and had a LOT of opinions thrown our way.

    Thanks for all the help! 
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    wrigleyvillewrigleyville member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    Fingers crossed it will be legal before you get married and you won't have to worry about any of this. :)
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    mrs4everhartmrs4everhart member
    First Comment First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer
    I'm sure you've already looked in to this and depending on the rules of the state that same-sex marriage is legal my idea may not be possible.

    But, is it possible (again, if it's legal) to retrieve the license from the legal state, bring it to the ceremony, sign it there (assuming the officiant (if required) is in proper standing to sign it) then file it the following week day back in the state the marriage is legal?

    That would at least possibly help mitigate the need to make a separate trip if it could work.


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    twojunebridestwojunebrides member
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    wrigleyville said:
    Fingers crossed it will be legal before you get married and you won't have to worry about any of this. :)
    I know!!!  With Montana this past week (kind of out of the blue...)  I have high hopes for my state.  But I'm in the bible belt, so I'm trying to stay realistic.  


    mrs4everhart said:
    I'm sure you've already looked in to this and depending on the rules of the state that same-sex marriage is legal my idea may not be possible.

    But, is it possible (again, if it's legal) to retrieve the license from the legal state, bring it to the ceremony, sign it there (assuming the officiant (if required) is in proper standing to sign it) then file it the following week day back in the state the marriage is legal?

    That would at least possibly help mitigate the need to make a separate trip if it could work.


    The certificate must be signed in that state.  We thought about this and looked into it, but thanks for the suggestion! 

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    mrs4everhartmrs4everhart member
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    twojunebrides said:
    wrigleyville said:
    Fingers crossed it will be legal before you get married and you won't have to worry about any of this. :)
    I know!!!  With Montana this past week (kind of out of the blue...)  I have high hopes for my state.  But I'm in the bible belt, so I'm trying to stay realistic.  


    mrs4everhart said:
    I'm sure you've already looked in to this and depending on the rules of the state that same-sex marriage is legal my idea may not be possible.

    But, is it possible (again, if it's legal) to retrieve the license from the legal state, bring it to the ceremony, sign it there (assuming the officiant (if required) is in proper standing to sign it) then file it the following week day back in the state the marriage is legal?

    That would at least possibly help mitigate the need to make a separate trip if it could work.


    The certificate must be signed in that state.  We thought about this and looked into it, but thanks for the suggestion! 

    You're very welcome. I kind of figured you had researched that option already, but sometimes the most obvious, direct options get lost on the best of us when planning something with so many details! Best of luck with your wedding, glad your family is onboard with why certain aspects are so important to you and are making efforts to be there for you both! 
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